I'm Anything You Want Me To Be.

I found a way to cheer myself up.

I cried for hours, and I bet I was making a scene for all the by-passers in that cemetery.

But after my outburst, I found that there was one way to make myself feel better.

And there was one person to call, one number to dial, two people to see.

“I don’t wanna talk about it, Halvo.” I say as he hands Jay over.

“You obviously don’t..” Halvo agrees.

“Jay, I missed you!” I say as I squeeze him in my arms. Pulling back, I kiss his cheek saying “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“Love you, ma,” Jay giggles.

I have Jay seated on my lap. Looking at him now makes me realize how much I’ve missed him.

But right now, all he does is remind me of John.

It’s not like I’ve been away from John for too long already, but I do already miss him. I know for myself that there are conversations we are due to have, and being with Jay now makes me feel like I’m somehow ready.

“I thought you were in studio.” Halvo then says.

“Dani wanted to take a break, I went with her.” I shrug.

“So where is she?” he asks.

“Home.” I answer with an unenthusiastic tone.

“Why did you call me?”

“I wanted to see this handsome little fella,” I say, my expression lighting up as I tickle Jay. I found another excuse. Besides, just ‘I needed a ride home,’ is kind of rude.

Jay laughs and turns around, burying himself in my arms.

Halvo smiles, watching our reunion. Then he shakes his head, “I mean why did you call me?”

“Because you’re my friend and I love you and I know you missed me too?” I try to keep the atmosphere between us as airy as possible. If anything, I don’t want a meeting with Halvo to cause me stress right now.

“Oh, you know it.” Halvo grins. “I missed you so.” He leans over the table, giving me a kiss on my cheek. “Justin and Andrew are gonna be so jealous when they find out where I am,”

I laugh. “Don’t boast about it,”

He laughs along, toying with his hair as he pulls back and says “Nick’s been.. Uhm,” after the mirth drains from our company.

Now, I’m not so sure if I even want to hear what Halvo’s got to say about Nick.

The slight mention of his name now makes me hurt; It’s agonizing remembering my last moment with him.. So heated, yet he was so cold.

I know he had every right to be mad, get all peeved.. But he labeled himself my best friend, and I expected more from him. I thought he, of everyone, wouldn’t give up on me. But he did it. He did it, and it hurt me, because he promised he would never.

I swallow the lump that’s beginning to form in my throat and just hope Halvo will get on with it.

And he does. “Nick’s been pretty.. Distracted,”

“Distracted?”

“Lately, he’s been so.. Absent.”

“Why the choice of words, Halvo?”

“Because there’s no other way to put it?” He raises an eyebrow at himself, his response sounding more like another question.

I look down at Jay’s head of tousled hair. Not looking directly at my conversational partner, I get the nerve to ask “Is he missing me?”

“How long have you and Dani been on break?”

“Like, half a week or something, why?” I try to keep my tone as casual as possible.

“And John’s already missing you,”

“What?” I get him to shake that off. “We’re talking about Nick here,”

“Then nope, Nick’s not missing you—”

“That’s not true!” I immediately argue.

How on Earth could Nick not be missing me? I now realize the only way to avoid missing him was to just steer clear of the thought of him, keep him out of my head.. And now he isn’t even missing me one bit?

“He hasn’t mentioned missing you,” Halvo explains. “He hasn’t said a single word about you since tour ended.”

“He’s that mad at me?”

“Look, I don’t want to upset you,”

“Then why am I on the edge of crying now,” I spit weakly as my voice begins to crack and the battle between me and my tears commence.

“Please don’t cry,”

“But you’re making me!” I whine.

“Iann,”

“Halvo,”

“Okay, there was this one time Nick did talk.”

“What did he say?” I ask, this time completely aware that what I hear next can and most probably will just hurt me.

“He said you’re better off with John.” Halvo quickly answers.

My tears cease at this. “Wh.. What?”

“You’re better off with John,” he simply repeats.

“What are you talking about?”

“Look, when we found out about you and John, we figured it was only a matter of time till—”

“Till what?!”

“Till you.. Well.. Till you..”

“Till I what?!”

“Choose John.”

“What,”

“We all kind of knew that—”

“That what?!”

“That you were going to fall for John.” Halvo finally says. “And Nick knew you were going to choose John.”

“What?!”

“Iann—”

“What," I sputter, getting quite annoyed of the growing number of times Halvo is making me say it. "So now I just pick between John and Nick, what kind of a person do you think I am?!”

“Iann, I am not saying anything like that—”

“Then what are you saying?!”

“That we knew you’d choose John over Nick!”

“I never picked anybody over anybody! Nick let me go and John stayed with me, was there much of a choice?!”

Halvo gets up. “Come on, let me just take you home.”

“Fine,” I bring Jay up with me as I get on my feet.

That was the entire reason I called Halvo up in the first place. Then he showed up with Jay and..

“I’m sorry for being an asshole. ” he says as we start driving off.

I say it back.

Jay had fallen asleep during the drive.

While Halvo and me, well.. We're still pretty much not over that little argument that literally sparked out of nowhere.

When we get to my house, I undo my seat belt and carry Jay off.

“Dani took my keys,” I mutter to Halvo after he follows me out his car.

“Ring the bell, knock on the door, throw a fit,” he suggests in reply.

I roll my eyes but then do start to consider taking his suggestion. “You can go home,”

“Nope, I can’t leave till I’m a hundred percent sure you are safe within the confinement of your own home.” Halvo says. “That would make me a douche.”

“Aw.” I pretend to be touched, half-smiling for a second. Then I let my expression fall. “Seriously, go home.”

Halvo shakes his head, refusing my refusal. He runs to our front door and starts banging his fists on it. “Daniella, open the fucking door!”

“Halvo, it’s, like, ten in the evening!” I tell him off as I pull him away from our porch, however, not failing to recognize the humor in what he's doing.

He does step back. But then he picks a rock up from the grass and throws it at a window with aimlessness. “Dani, open the door for your fucking sister—”

The way he says her name fills me with fear.

“Halvo, did you know Dani?”

Halvo retreats from his fit. “Huh?”

“When exactly did you meet Dani,”

“What kind of a question is that?”

“Did you know her before you met me,”

“No?”

Why does he sound unsure?

“I mean.. I guess I kinda knew her..”

“What do you mean kinda,” My eyebrows narrow at him.

“I knew Garrett was dating her. Other than that, I couldn’t care any less.” Halvo casually elaborates. “Why?”

“If I find out you’re lying to me right now, Halvo—”

“You think I’m lying to you?” He now looks extremely offended. His mood literally spills on the grass we’re standing on. “You think I would lie to you, Iann?”

“I don’t know what to think,” I say instead of apologizing. But really, I don’t.

What if Halvo did know Dani? What if he knows what happened between John and Dani and isn't even telling me?

“You know, you tire me sometimes.” he says quietly. I can tell that he’s trying not to sound all.. Hasty. Oh, what’s the term..

“What?”

“It’s so hard to put up with your shit sometimes, you know that?” Hurt.

“What are you saying,”

“I’m so glad John’s found you.” he just replies.

I cannot think of anything to say back to him now. I don’t even know what he is talking about anymore, and I'm done trying.

“Look, I’ll go home,” Halvo mumbles as he backs away from me. “I hope Dani opens the door soon,”

“Just go.” I mutter.

Within seconds, it’s become clear to me.

Halvo is mad, and he just said it.. He’s tired of my shit.

I said, to Dani, I am done being a distraction.

And Halvo doesn’t need a distraction like me either.

“Good night, Eric.”

“Now you’re mad at me?!” he suddenly rages.

“I didn’t say anything—”

“Yes, you did! You just called me Eric, we both know what that means.”

Maybe I did feel.. Infuriated. I do call him 'Eric' when I was dead serious, and maybe even angry. But I don't need a fight with him like this. There is no valid reason to carry on this argument.

I turn my back on him. “Just go home, Eric.”

“Maybe I will!” he huffs.

There goes Strike 2.

I sigh when I hear his car drive off, realizing this is the second time someone’s getting away from me in a car today.

But it’s not so bad this time..

Now I’m actually home, not stranded in the cemetery. And I have my perfect, beautiful, wonderful son, with me, my perfect, beautiful, wonderful Jay.

I gently adjust Jay’s weight on one of my arms so I can just take the key I always hid in the fern by the porch. I retrieve my house key, shove it in the keyhole of the front door, then let Jay and me in.

I would yell ‘Dani, I’m home, you fucking bitch, thanks for leaving me in the cemetery!’ as a greeting, but Jay’s asleep and I don’t want to wake him up.

So instead, I just go on to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water.

After quenching my thirst, I head up to our rooms to check if Dani decided to just go to bed.

But when I get up to the hall, there isn’t any trace of her left.

She’s missing.

“Not again,” I groan.

Her room is empty, but nothing’s been moved. Things are exactly where and how we left them; Her bed is still messed up, her floor is still untidy, her suitcase is still out of place.

I put Jay down on my bed for a second so I could panic and get frantic without causing Jay some disturbance.

What if Dani ran away again? Or what if she never even made it home?!

What if something happened to her?! This is my fucking fault!

“Crap, fuck, shit, crap, fuck, shit,” I mutter to myself over and over as the situation sinks in to me.

I welcome again that feeling I got when I woke up today, that worry and anxiety over Dani, and..

Now, I can't believe I didn't even notice her car wasn't in the driveway.

This time, I let impulse take over me once again. I know I should never, but in a case like right now wherein I absolutely don’t know what to do, it’s better than nothing.

Before I know it, I’ve snatched my phone out of my pocket, dialing Dani’s number. It being busy, I don’t waste time before attempting to call someone else: Garrett. But the line is busy as well.

I try to tell myself to calm down because now I am completely blank and frozen and stupid. There is no point in freaking out. Not now, damn it. Not now.

But my tears start spilling over and my breaths get all quick and heavy, and I just get out of the room before I wake Jay up.

I plump down on the edge of Dani’s bed, very insistent to myself on just calming the fuck down.

But I can’t.

If anything, and I mean anything bad happens to Dani, it’s going to be my fault.

I cannot even stop myself from thinking of the worst case scenario.

Dani could have easily run out of breath, I have her inhaler. She could have easily crashed her car, and I was supposed to be driving. And she could have so fucking easily hurt herself, and I was not there to stop her.

I am praying that she sent Garrett a 911 text, he would respond quickly to that. And I am praying she can stay composed. I am praying she meant it when she said that she knew how to take care of herself.

I take my phone again and thank God I put one special number on speed dial.

One ring.

Two rings.

Thee..

Four—

“Iann!”

I start to sob more, now just incredibly happy to hear his voice.

“Iann, where are you?”

I shake my head, losing all ability to speak. Maybe I shouldn’t have called.

“Iann, please talk to me. I need to know you’re fine.”

“But I’m not,” I mutter. “I’m sorry for calling, I just.. I don’t know what to do.. Dani’s missing and—”

“She’s fine.”

“What?”

“Garrett is on the phone with her right now. She sent a nine-one-one text and—”

“Where is she?”

“Garrett didn’t say. But he says she’s alright,”

“She better be,”

“Let’s trust Garrett, okay?”

“Okay,”

“Listen, I need you to stop crying. Please.”

“John.. I..”

“Daniella is okay. Garrett knows what he’s doing. Please, just..”

“John—”

“I love you.”

If that couldn’t calm me down, I don't know what else could.

John stays on the phone with me until I regain composure. He tells me that Garrett called Dani the second the 911 text came.

Garrett and Dani have been on the phone with each other for hours. He said she called him so she could stay as collected as possible, before she even started crying. She realized her inhaler wasn’t with her so she kept her cool by getting Garrett to talk to her.

“Dani said you two fought.” John says.

“Yeah.” I mumble.

“Are you okay?”

“Better than I was when you answered the phone.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” I answer instantly.

Of course, I didn’t want to talk about it.

How was I supposed to tell him anyway? I bet John would understand if I tell her that Dani called him one big fucking douche. But he wouldn’t take it if I tell him that Dani told me not to be in love with him. Because I already am.

“Are you sure?”

“Maybe some other time,” I suggest, not meaning it at all. “Is Garrett there?”

“He’s in his room.”

“Is he still talking to Dani?”

“I think so.”

“Can I ask you for a favor?”

“Anything.”

“Tell Garrett to..” I sniff, still hungover from the tears. “Tell Dani to come home.”