Said Without a Sound

“I wrote a song about you today,” I told Tom, guitar in hand as I sat down on the grass before his tombstone. “I know you were always complaining about how annoying my voice was, but you know what, I’m going to sing it for you, alright? Here it goes…”

I felt so much better after writing this song, and even better after playing it for Tom today. I had a bit of a breakdown the first time we rehearsed it as a band, but my friends helped me through it. Today, though, I just needed some time to clear my head.

“You sing wonderfully.”

I nearly snapped my high E string clean off at the sound of Gwen’s voice. I turned around to see her standing beside me, in her usual jeans, ballet flats, and a thin shirt. “H-How long have you been standing there?”

“Only since you started to sing the…I think it was the first chorus,” Gwen said as she sat down as well.

I laughed nervously. Gwen was the first living person to hear that song. “So…what did you think?”

Gwen inhaled deeply before exhaling sharply. “…It makes me want to cry.”

I laughed softly. “Please don’t cry. I’d hate to see that.”

“That song…you wrote it?”

“Uh, yeah…I-I wrote it about Tom…”

Gwen rested her head on my shoulder. “I know how you feel.”

Such a simple, yet comforting phrase. I knew Gwen meant every word of it, too. Everyone else only wished they could say that to me. I sighed and closed my eyes, resting my head on top of hers again/ “Gwen, why are you always gone before I know it?”

Gwen sighed and straightened up so she wasn’t touching me anymore. “I try not to stay here too long. You shouldn’t, either. This is no place for the living, Lex.”

I swallowed hard. “What… What makes you say that?” Gwen’s eyes were once again on the lake. “What are you looking at?” I asked curiously, narrowing my eyes at the lake.

“…Lex, I want to tell you about Daniel.”

I blinked and stopped slouching immediately. “I’m listening.”

Gwen exhaled slowly, hugging her legs to her chest. “I was fifteen when he was seventeen, but we’d been going out for a little over a year by then.”

It…shouldn’t have irritated me to hear that Gwen had a boyfriend. I had a girlfriend. Oh, yeah, I had a girlfriend. She was worried sick about me all the time but I just never could talk to her about Tom like I could talk to Gwen about Tom. I trusted Gwen so easily, I know, but it felt like the right thing to do. Lisa was lovely, but Gwen was like a kindred soul. And Gwen, not Lisa, was who I needed right now.

“It was a cold December night, when…um, I don’t know if you want to hear this…” Gwen trailed off, sounding…almost nervous.

“Gwen…I told you about how I found my brother’s body. I think you can tell me anything. And you’d better tell me everything.” Gwen was still so indecisive. “Gwen, I’m not going to judge you. You know that, right?”

“You really want to know what happened to Daniel?” I nodded vigorously. Gwen leaned forward so that her hair fell into a red curtain between us. “Y-Yeah…So…Uh…We…Daniel…I-I… Um, so, Daniel and I wanted to have sex.”

I figured it would be something along those lines. I had to bite my tongue, though, so she would continue with her story. I couldn’t believe he would want that from her, especially she was so young. Damn, if I was him, I…I would…

“He snuck over to my house one night because my parents weren’t home. He had the condom and everything. We were naked and he just got inside of me. He didn’t do anything more than that, though, because I told him it hurt. He was waiting for me to get used to him, but then we heard my parents coming, since my room is right above our garage. Daniel just grabbed his clothes and ran off. I tried to get him to hide inside my closet or something because it was so cold out, but he was climbing out my window before I could stop him.”

Gwen paused to look up at nothing in general, her eyes blank as they stared into space. “He was found under a bridge, dead, the next morning. I knew the bridge. He was trying to run home, but it was dark and he didn’t bring his fucking shoes, so he sprained his ankle and slipped down under the bridge. He couldn’t move, so he froze to death there, Lex. He fucking froze to death, and it’s all my fucking fault,” Gwen choked out, the tears falling freely now.

“Gwen,” I tried to say, but she was crying too hard.

“My fault, it’s my fault!” Gwen whispered, her voice heightened in her distress. “I practically killed him! My boyfriend, Lex! If I’d just gotten him to stay inside and hide somewhere…No, if I just told him I didn’t want to have sex –“

“Gwen, stop. It’s not your fault. You listen to me, Gwen. It’s not your fault. C’mere,” I said firmly, pulling her slight frame into my arms. “...I used to think that, too, you know...I used to think that I was the one that pushed Tom to suicide.”

“Don’t think that,” Gwen said instantly, which made me smile.

I hugged her tightly, comfortingly kissing the top of her head. “You should take your own advice.”