Yesterday's Feelings

December started and the snow had long-ago begun to fly at John and Eric's. I laughed as I stood outside with Dani and Eli in the driveway. Dani was trying to catch snowflakes on her tongue and Eli was marveling at the white stuff that had piled up all around him. The season was well underway in places here and there.

"Look sissy, Just like in New York." She giggled and laughed as she twirled in the snow, eventually falling to make a snow angel.

Eli looked up at me as he tried to stuff a handful of snow in his mouth, "Ari. Ari."

"Oh, you silly." I said, picking up Eli as he spit out some of the snow. I didn't think he really knew what to do with it just yet. He was only four, so he was still learning what to do with it. I brushed the snow that feel from his mouth of one of Eric's old Jacket's I had dug out of his closet. There was a perk, at least, to staying here so often; I could just get away with wearing Eric's clothes, especially his outerwear. The other perk is that it smelled like him however, it only made me miss him more.

I looked up as I heard a car coming down the snow-covered road. It wasn't exactly a popular road and it could only mean one thing. "Honey, come here and play in the yard." I said to Danielle, making her get out of the driveway as the truck slowed to a crawl with it's dark tinted windows before it pulled in to the drive.

I held on to Eli as he looked at the truck and started squaling, "Yeah buddy, who's in the truck?" I asked to him, even though I knew he couldn't exactly tell me.

Dani by now was stnading beside Eli and I, looking at the truck. She tugged on the jacket I was wearing, "Is it Eric?" She asked, looking up at me.

The driver's side door opened and I could see a head on the other side, one that was blonde and dreadlocked. "Nope. It's John." I said softly.

Dani made a beeline around the other side of the truck, "John!" She shouted, practically glomming on to the older before I could even catch her.

"Dani, hon.." I said carefully going after her with Eli on my hip. We rounded the truck and I could see Dani hugging his legs. I sighed a little and just let her be with him. She missed him like crazy. He was like a surrogate father to her. 'Sorry' I mouthed to him.

John looked at me and looked at her. He just laughed a little and picked her up, "Hey princess." He said, groaning, "You're so much bigger than the last time I saw you." he said, causing her to giggle. He closed the door behind him and headed for the house, Dani with him.

I sighed and bit my lip as I looked at Eli. I wasn't sure how to make of him just being like that. Especially since we really hadn't talked since our big blowout. I didn't even know if he's talked to Eric since I had admitted (and then Eric) that I was in love with him and if he had, had Eric told him. It was nerve-wracking.

Sure enough, once inside, John let Dani down though she didn't venture far from his side. "Where were you?" She asked looking up innocently at John.

John smiled as he knelt down some. I put Eli down, who immediately ran over and glombed on to John's other side, opposite Dani. "Up. Up." He requested.

John laughed, looking at Dani as he held his nephew close to him. "I was out working for a while. Have you been doing good in school?" John asked my sister, who immediately nodded. "Tell you what princess, I brought you back something but it's out in my duffel. I'll bring it in later for you ok?"

I laughed and shook my head as Dani went wild once John said he had a gift for her. "Come on, why don't we get you out of those wet clothes and we'll go put on Anastasia and you can take a quick nap." I said, ushering Dani to the spare room and set up the movie to watch on the portable player I packed around for her.

By the time I returned upstairs, John himself was just coming down the stairs. "Hey." I said, looking at the older. "Did you.."

"I put Eli down for a nap, changed him." He said, looking me over as I was in one of Eric's shirts.
"Thanks." I said quietly, watching him, tucking my hands in my pockets. "You look tired. You should go rest up and I'll go get your gear bag out of the truck." I offered as John got to the bottom of the stairs.

John chuckled as he approached me, his fingers touching the bottom of Eric's shirt that I was wearing. "I'm fine." he insisted. His eyes looked so sad. He looked so heartbroken. A different change from the look he'd had that morning in the kitchen.

I couldn't help but look up at him. I felt this.. pang of guilt, maybe a bit of hurt too. Maybe I finally understood how he felt that morning, seeing me emerge all rumpled and wrinkled in my work clothes out of Eric's room. "Look." I bit my lip and I looked up in to John's blue eyes, "Look, I.." I started, but the words. I had always been a decent master of, seemed to fail me. ".. Eric and I.." I started again but the words just stopped.

John sighed as he looked at me, "Come on." John said, leading us back outside, "Come on, sit." He said, ushering me in to a seat by the fire pit as he started to build a fire.

All I could do was follow and sit and watch. It reminded me of the first time, the first night I had ever spent at John's house. Eric hadn't moved in and he just had a bunch of roommates to help pay the bills. I laughed a little, John looked over at me.

"What?" He asked, smiling some.

I shook my head and smiled, "Nothing, just thinking about how nothing and everything has changed."

John nodded a little as the fire began to burn and sat next to me, "What's that mean?" He asked.

I shrugged a little and looked at him, "You know, the first time I was ever here was because of Eric." I said quietly, looking at John.

"And you're still here because of him." John said, shaking his head, "Just under some different circumstances."

I leaned against the older Jackson brother and sighed, "You were right that day in the kitchen. Even if you said it in anger, in spite. You were still right." I admitted.

John put his arm around me and sighed, "I know, I'm sorry I said it. I mean," he paused, "I said it for all the wrong reasons and I shouldn't have. But I know you've always loved him, even if you said you were over him."

I shook my head, "No, You had every right to say it. You were hurt." I said, "I wish you'd move on John. I'm really not all that special. Not at all." I said.

John smiled, "Yeah, you are. Eric thinks so. I think so. Eli knows so."

I snorted at the Eli part of his sentence. Eli was a toddler, no way he could know so now. Well, at least he couldn't say so just yet. "Why'd you ask me to marry you anyhow?" I asked, looking up at John tiredly. "If you knew that I was always in love with your brother, even if I couldn't outright admit it or thought I wasn't, if you knew, what made you ask me to marry you anyhow?" I couldn't help but pose the question, especially if John knew.

John let out a sigh as his gaze turned from me to the fire, "Because you're an amazingly talented, hard-working woman who I wanted nothing more than to make happy, or at least spend the rest of my life trying to make happy." John admitted, turning back to me.

I frowned a little and pushed one of his dreadlocks out of his face. "John, You made me happy, so don't think for a minute that you didn't." I said some, sitting up and leaning less against John.

"But," He said, watching me because the honest truth was, there was always a 'But' in these types of situations.

"But," I bit my lip, "You said, you said you wanted me gone and I took it to heart and maybe that's my fault, for thinking you didn't want me around. Then, you were distant, I didn't know what was going on." I frowned, maybe I had rushed the breakup with John. Too bad there was no going back now, "I was happy with you. But suddenly it's like I wasn't. Like, I was so complacent with just being here and waiting around for you." i nibbled on my lip, "I felt like I needed more than that."

John simply nodded as he let me speak my peace. He just let the sound of the night surround us, crickets, the rushing of the river behind us, plus the crackle of the fire. It was just nice to enjoy the quiet that surrounded us. A whole five minutes or so passed before John even spoke again, "I hate to point this out, but isn't that what you're doing with Eric. Just, sitting around here being complacent and waiting around." John said, his voice quiet, "I thought you wanted more than that." He paused, "You deserve more than that."

It was an all too true statement. I guess in a sense, I was in-fact doing the same exact thing, only I thought I wasn't. I was still working in the same firm, the one I wanted to leave behind. John always was and always would be the only person to make me think, really think, about where I was at and what I was doing. The truth was, he was absolutely right. I'd drop Eli at daycare, Dani at school, go to work, go pick up Eli and Dani, come back to the Jackson house, Dinner, put the kids down to bed.

In the in-between, maybe Eric would call or skype, and those because the moments, the minutes, the seconds, however long the call or the Skype was, were really the moments I was waiting around for. To hear his voice, that was what was holding me over, but the winter was long. Winter would stretch to Spring, then to other commitments. I hated to think that at some point, who knows when, when the minutes or seconds long, calls or Skypes wouldn't be enough anymore.

Then what happens when it's not enough anymore?

Eric and John had their lives. The questions was, where was mine?