Just Like Heaven

I thought about Mikey for the entire night. I was fearful of what he might tell me. I didn't have a solid idea of what it could be and it gnawed at my brain.

I put Noah to sleep in my bed and paced as I cleaned up his toys. I jumped slightly when my phone rang. I pulled it from my pocket and answered it; "Mikey?"

"Yeah, M, it's me. Is Noah sleeping?"

He sounded so tired.

"Yeah... Did you perform tonight? You sound tired."

"No, I'm just exhausted."

"What's wrong?" 

He sighed, "I don't know if I can do it anymore." He spoke quietly.

"Do what?" 

"I'm fucking tired, Morgan." Mikey sounded desperate. 

"You can talk to me." I offered softly, "Or you can talk to Gerard. What're you tired of?"

"I hate being away. I don't know if I can do it."

I hated to be the one to be pushy about his medication.

"Mikey, are you still on your medication?" I hated to say these words.

"Yeah." He struggled to say.

I knew he was lying.

"Mikey, don't lie to me. I want to help you get better."

"I haven't, alright. I haven't."

"How long?"

"A while."

"Mike, you can't do that. You can't just--"

He cut me off, "I thought I was better."

"You are, you just need a little help to get you through." 

He was silent a moment.

"Do you think I'm crazy?" Mikey asked softy.

"No! No, I don't think you're crazy." I told him earnestly, "Why would you think that?"

"I think I am." He muttered.

"Mikey," I started cautiously, "Do you need a break?"

Again, he was silent.

"Maybe." He mumbled.

"Talk to Gerard, talk to--"

He stopped me, "I can't do that. I just got back."

"You shouldn't lose yourself over it. If you need a break, tell them. They'll understand."

I stressed this because I care about him. I didn't want him to fall off any edge. I wanted him to be happy and healthy.

"I can't do that to the guys." Again, he mumbled.

"Mike--"

"I'll talk to you, M. I'm gonna start taking my pills again."

"You promise me?"

He sighed deeply into the phone, "I promise."

I wasn't convinced, "I will call Gerard." I warned.

"Don't do that. I will never forgive you."

I frowned, "Mikey, c'mon--"

"I can handle it, Morgan!" He shouted.

There was the silence again. I chewed at my lip.

"I love you, Mikey. I only want you to be happy."

"I love you, too."

"Please, talk to someone if you won't talk to me."

"Yeah, okay."

He wasn't being honest with me. He was just appeasing me. I frowned to myself.

"Please?" I begged one final time.

"Don't call Gerard." He stated.

"I won't if you talk to him."

"I will, M."

"Thank you," I half believed him.

"Kiss Noah for me."

"I will." I didn't want to hang up, but he had to rest, "Rest for me?"

"Anything else?" He gave a soft laugh.

"Just those two things."

"I will, Morgan."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

After another share of I Love You, I hung up with him. I had hoped that he would listen to me and talk to his brother. He needed to talk to someone if he wouldn't talk to me.


I had tried to call Mikey several times over the next few days; it was only short phone calls. He was real busy, and I couldn't ask how he was feeling. If I did, I got the usual; "I'm fine." It had annoyed me, but it was nice to hear his voice.

Noah was handling his absence pretty well. He drew a lot, I think it was to keep his mind off of it. He drew pictures for when Mikey came home. 

The days of my family coming to visit had approaching quickly, and before I knew it, they were here. I had picked them up, and Max and Noah had become attached at the hip. My mom tended to Noah's wounds, she knew a lot about injuries than myself so I had let her change his bandages for me.

Brendan was his usual self; making fun of me and asking about Mikey. I had wanted to confide in my mom and him about Mikey's behavior, but I felt that I was betraying Mikey in a way. I couldn't just let it go about that he was feeling the way he was. It was our business, and no one could help, but us. Everything else would be gossip; that never helped anyone.

I enjoyed their stay, just as Noah did, but I really couldn't wait to have Mikey home instead. He was the one I wanted to be with more than anything. I was worried about him, I missed him, and Noah missed him. If he wasn't feeling like taking on the world, I would gladly let him come back into ours and hide. Mikey deserves to live under a rock for a little bit.

When my family finally left, it was just Noah and I again. The two of us relished in the silence; sleeping all day and watching cartoons and going to the park when we felt like it. His hand was healing nicely too, he was a lot more active and kept me on my toes a lot.

When Mikey called again; when he finally had some time too really talk, we used Skype so he could talk to Noah. That was the big thing; Noah and Mikey would spend about two hours every other day talking and showing pictures to one another. Mikey looked generally happier, but I could sense that it wasn't as real as I wanted it to be.

I couldn't wait for him to get home.