Take My Hand And Never Be Afraid Again

Elena’s P.O.V

I love fire. The way it dances almost peacefully, whilst burning anything in its path. In a matter of seconds, a small glowing flame can evolve into an uncontrollable beast. When you flick a lighter, the fire is tamed and calm, but it’s almost like you can hear it screaming; screaming to be free. Its funny how something so innocent and harmless can turn quickly into your worst nightmare, and burn you alive with a blink of an eye.

Tragic; yet beautiful.

I watched through open and scared eyes as Franks bed slowly fell apart, the fire was eating its way through and turning the ends to charcoal. It didn’t feel like I was just watching his bed burn though, it felt like I was watching Frank burn.
I wanted to run forward to save him but I was scared, rooted on the spot. Something that seemed so exciting before, now felt like a dagger staking into my heart, bringing back everything I had ever felt about Frank.

I can’t hate Frank, no matter how hard I try. I don’t think any of us do. It’s just easier to lie and say you hate somebody; then admit that you miss the person who made you cry yourself to sleep. I closed my eyes and went back to the day I had first thought of Frank, as my guardian angel.

I gripped the razor blade tightly and drew it over my skin like a violin bow, watching the blood pour down my arm is the most beautiful thing.
I feel like I’m suffocating. Like somebody’s cut off my air supply and I can’t breathe.
That’s all cutting is; breathing.
I lay down in the bathtub, enjoying the bliss feeling of freedom, as I struck the blade across again. The blood ran down the bathtub now and I couldn’t help but stare in wonder.

Tragic; yet beautiful.

“Elena?”
Shit I forgot to lock the door. I shoved my arm behind my back and looked up at Frank. His face was unreadable, and I crossed my bloodied fingers, praying that he hadn’t seen. The last thing I wanted was Frank’s sympathy, or worse, his disappointment.
“Frank, what are you doing here?” I asked, trying to keep my voice normal.
“Elena, what have you done?” he asked softly whilst walking over and sitting beside me in the bath. He took my arm out from behind my back and padded it with toilet paper, wiping away the blood. I started crying into his shoulder.
“I’m so sorry Frank” was all I could muster through my sobs.
“Elena don’t be sorry, just please tell me why. Why do you want to hurt yourself?” he took my bloodied arm and kissed each and every scar. I wanted to tell him, I wanted to open my soul to him and tell him everything. But words were just meaningless.
Right now; anything he could have said, I would have done. If he asked me to jump off a bridge, I’d be off that bridge faster than you could blink. I didn’t want Frank to think I’m crazy, I didn’t want him to leave me; I needed him to understand.
“Cutting is like breathing...I feel like it’s the only thing keeping me sane. It’s the only thing pulling me out of my dark thoughts, even for just a few minutes, to remind me that I am alive and that I can feel. It’s comforting to have some type of pain that isn’t in your head... it’s refreshing.” I concluded staring down at my nails; I was too scared to look up at his face, because if Frank thought I was crazy, I don’t know what I would do.
He looked into my eyes, and in this moment I knew he understood, he didn’t need to say anything. It was written in his eyes; suddenly I didn’t feel so alone.

“I know what this feels like Elena, but you have to promise me that you’ll never cut yourself ever again. I’ll always be here whenever you wanna talk okay, I never wanna see you hurt yourself again because you’re so fucking perfect. I need you more than you know and I’ll never fucking leave you. Ever. Pinkie promise, no more cutting”, he said holding out his pinkie. I nodded and curled my little pinkie around his, and couldn’t help but laugh, this was just so Frank.

‘I’ll never fucking leave you’. Those few words alone meant more to me than he would ever know. I wonder if he even remembers saying that. Then again, I wondered if he’d care. Why did I believe him? He saved me, and then left me. He was my light in the dark, and now I was alone.
“Elena, you okay?” asked Mikey, his face was filled with concern and he moved his fingers up to my face and wiped a tear of my cheek. His touch sent shocks through my body and I shivered. I hadn’t even realised I was crying.
“Yeah, I’m fine Mike’s, sorry I’m just being stupid”, I said wiping my eyes with the back of my palm. My eye makeup was most definitely ruined, but suddenly all I wanted was to get as far away from that fire as possible.
“Can we go back inside now, please, it’s getting cold” I said, forcing myself one last look at the fire before heading back to the house.

Gerard had his arms wrapped around Fanny; she looked like she was crying. Why the fuck was she crying? She didn’t even know Frank; I had a sudden urge to smack her in the face. What the fuck was wrong with me? Fanny was my friend; I guess I wasn’t used to having another girl in the group. I was used to it just being me and my boys. I couldn’t help but glare at her though, she has no fucking idea what Frank meant to us, and I don’t want her making moves on Gerard; when it was obvious she was obsessed with Frank. I hate girls that use boys as if they’re just pawns in their little games.
“Is Fanny crying?” whispered Mikey behind me.
“Yup, why the fuck is she crying? We should have never brought her here; she’s just making moves on Gerard. She doesn’t even know Frank, she just has some weird little crush on him”. I said, my voice slowly getting louder. I was getting pissed off, I could feel it, I wasn’t really angry at Fanny though. I was angry at Frank, he had abandoned me, and I needed to blame it on someone.
“Okay come on Elena, let’s just go inside and get something to eat”, he grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the house.
I think he knew I was about to say something because he was almost dragging me through the door, but I was resisting him. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing anymore, everything pissed me off, and I was terrified of losing my friends. They were all I had left, if I upset them and they left me, I wouldn’t be able to make it anymore.
I just wanted someone to feel the pain I was feeling.
“Fanny why the fuck are you crying?” I yelled at her, she turned to face me surprised. Mikey tried to pull me inside but I pushed him away. I didn’t know what I was doing, nothing made sense, my vision was blurry and I wanted to puke.
Fanny looked scared and she started to stutter
“I-uh I –uh um”
“What Fanny?! Spit it out! What the fuck could you possibly have to cry about?” I was getting louder and I could feel tears streaking down my face. I wanted her to stop crying and fucking fight back, because then maybe I wouldn’t feel so guilty.
“Elena stop it please ju-” Mikey pleaded
“No you stop it! Am I the only one her who feels empty now that Frank is gone!? And then this little bitch is sitting there crying, even though she has no fucking idea what it’s like to pour you’re fucking heart out to someone only to have them turn their fucking back on you! And I just- I-I..”
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to hurt anybody but this had just burst out of me, I was so full of anger before; but now all I wanted to do was fall to the ground and cry myself to sleep.
They were all looking at me speechless, even Mikey looked scared, and in this moment I knew I had blown it.
I had once again hurt the people I love and fucked everything up.
So I did the only thing I was good at; I ran. I turned around and ran. I didn’t know where I was going but I wanted to get as far away from them as possible.
And suddenly I realized my feet were running towards the person who had always made everything better, the person I suddenly wanted to forgive. Because I couldn’t live without Frank, I was stupid thinking I could.
He was my best friend and I needed him.

I, will not look away this time
Take all these cuts, and make them shine
And all this pain I’ve held inside
So I can find my way home again
I will not look away this time
Take all these cuts, and make them shine
Don’t want to be perfect, just alright...