The Kind of Hoax That Leaves a Lump in Your Throat

Obviously I didn’t go back to sleep once josh had left, and when it was an appropriate time to get up I did. But josh still wasn’t back yet. I tugged on some clothes and went out looking for him.

I checked the normal places like the pub or the café but he was nowhere to be found. I tried calling him but it just went straight to answer phone and after about an hour and a half of randomly wandering I went back home.

As I opened the door I found two suitcases by the door. I dismissed it by thinking they were josh’s from last night, but then it struck me that I never saw them this morning as I left.

I heard someone at the top of the stairs and when I looked up, josh was walking down with another case in his hand. He walked over to me and put it with the others before looking at me, a small frown playing on his lips.

“What’s going on?” I questioned and he took hold of my hand lightly. He took in a short breath though his nose and let it out slowly before answering.

“Im gonna move in with dan for a bit”

What?

Move in with dan, but why, I thought we were fixing things?

“I don’t understand” I finally managed to get out.

“I went to see some people this morning, they told me to make things right between us and I think this will. You were right Vi, this isn’t gonna get fixed with a simple sorry, this needs time and we need to work at it. We need to start over and I don’t think it’s gonna work as well if we still live together. It’s only temporary I promise”

“But I don’t want you to go, I only just got you back” I said, my voice cracking at the end. He pulled me into his chest and I held on to him with all that I had.

“You’ll thank me one day Vi I promise” he whispered into my hair. I pulled back to look at him, tears threatening to fall, but I managed to keep them inside my eyes.

“Please josh” I begged and he kissed my forehead.

“This will be good for us, you’ll see” he whispered and then a car horn went off outside. “Must be dan” he mused and let go of me before picking up two bags and opening the door. I begrudgingly picked up the other one and followed him out to the car.

“Thanks” he said quietly as I shoved the last one in. He shut the boot and then turned to me. “I know this is gonna be hard, but no pain no gain right” he said with a small smile and I couldn’t help but smile back. “I love you violet. This isn’t the end of us, it’s the beginning” he seemed so optimistic, like he knew this was gonna work and I guess I had to trust him.

“Im sorry”

“What for?”

“For making you move out of your flat so now you have to live with dan”

“I heard that” dan said and I couldn’t help but smile.

“It’s gonna be fine, and I wanted to move in with you so you have nothing to be sorry for”

“So is this goodbye then?”

He shook his head with a sad smile and cupped my face. “No, this is see you later” he bent down slowly and pressed his lips to mine. I could taste his sadness and his regret, but I could also taste his hopefulness. I held onto him for as long as I could, not knowing the next time I’d be able to be this close to him.

“Next time we see each other, we’ll start again”

“What like we don’t know each other?”

“Yeah” he smiled and then kissed my forehead. “Honestly we have such a confusing relationship I think we just need to wipe the slate clean” he said looking into my eyes, willing me to understand. I nodded ever so slightly and a small smile spread to his lips. “Sonnies’ inside he’ll keep you company” he whispered and let go of me. He jumped into Dan’s car. I stood on the pavement and watched them drive away.

Once they were out of sight I went back inside and sure enough Sonnie was in the lounge. Once he saw me he opened up his arms and I fell into them.

I was determined not to cry though and I held my ground. He rubbed my back comfortingly and rested his cheek on my forehead. “Are you alright?” he whispered and I nodded lightly.

“I’m a little tired”

“Go to sleep love, I’ll stay with you” he said and kissed my forehead.

I closed my eyes and within the next few minutes I felt myself drift off into unconsciousness.

When I woke up a few hours later I felt a new pair of arms wrapped around me. I moved slightly and looked up to see sonnies place taken over by liana. She smiled at me lightly, but it was a sad one.

“He’s gone” I croaked out and the flood gates opened.

She held me closers and then I felt another presence on the opposite side of me. They held me too, and from what I could make out, and by the smell of the aftershave they usually wore, it was Freddy.

Even with two of my best friends next to me, I felt more alone than ever. It felt like I’d finally hit rock bottom. Guess now the only way is up.