The Kind of Hoax That Leaves a Lump in Your Throat

Hospitals are the worst.

I hate them, I hate them, I hate them.

But I guess it couldn’t be helped, so currently josh and I were sat in the waiting room and he held my hand as I fidgeted. I wasn’t nervous, it was just a check up, but I always felt on edge in these places. Plus they were always running late.

“Violet?” a woman called and I looked up to see a woman standing in the doorway of Dr. Robertson’s room. She ushered me in, and I grabbed josh’s hand before walking inside. We sat down and the lady took a seat in his usual chair.

“Hello violet, my name is Dr. Nash and im one of Dr. Robertson’s assistants. Unfortunately he’s away this week so you’ve got me instead.” She smiled warmly and I couldn’t help but trust her instantly. She just had that way about her. “So it was about 6 months ago he last saw you, how have things been?”

“Good I guess, I mean ive been taking the medication and it works most of the time”

“Most of the time?”

“Yeah well um…”

Ok so this is the apart where I needed to tell her about when josh went on tour and I didn’t sleep the whole time. But that would mean admitting to this woman I have known for about a minutes about mine and josh’s sleeping arrangements. Knowing me I’d blush and make a huge fool out of myself. Oh well, it had to be done I guess.

“Well you see my boyfriend is in a band and they tour a lot. They just got back from one like a week ago. Anyway the point is that I didn’t sleep the whole time he was away. I took the medication everyday but it just didn’t seem to want to work”

“Okay” she mused and scribbled stuff down. “I take it when he’s home you sleep in the same bed?” she said not even looking up.

“Um yeah” I managed to get out and I could feel the heat rising in my face. Josh squeezed my hand I looked at him. He looked at me in confusion but there was a smile there, clearly he was finding all of this hysterical.

“Ok and how long was he gone for?”

“3 months. It was in America. I mean it was okay for the first two weeks or so and then it just went down hill form there. I even wore the special pyjamas and nothing worked.” I admitted.

She smiled lightly at that and wrote that down. “Did you do anything else to try and help?”

“Well in the last few weeks I slept on the sofa because it’s smaller and I could stay on my side better”

“Did that help?”

“Yeah, but we have the most uncomfortable sofa in the world so not for long”

She laughed lightly at that and then looked up. “And would you say you were more worried or upset than usual around thins time?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well 3 months is a long time, and America is a long way away, you must have been a little bit anxious. I know I would have been”

“Well yeah, I mean I missed him a lot and I guess you could say I was worried him being all the way over there and not knowing what he was doing” I said feeling like an utter sap for being so girly and sensitive. Especially with josh sitting right next to me. I sighed quietly and I felt josh run his thumb across my fingers.

“Its ok violet” Dr. Nash said sympathetically. “I know this must be hard for you to talk about but sometimes it better to get things out in the open. Plus it might help us work out what’s going wrong with you”

“you know vi” josh suddenly piped up from next to for the first time since we came in here, “I’d never do anything to hurt you or anything” he said looking slightly hurt, “you can trust me you know”

“I know I can, I didn’t mean it in that way, it’s just…”

“Just what?” he prompted

“Im just worried because you’re so far away and I can’t see you. I mean what if something happened and I couldn’t get to you. Or if something happened here and you couldn’t get to me?”

“Vi” he sighed and put his arm around me. Even though we were in front of Dr. Nash I didn’t care, I let him hold me and took comfort in the warmth of his body.

“I get it im being stupid, and worrying over nothing, I just… I don’t know I think up stupid possibilities and then I can’t stop thinking and they get worse and worse and I know I should stop but I can’t.”

“This could be due to the tablets” Dr. Nash suddenly piped up. “A common symptom is paranoia, which could be what’s fuelling all these feelings and questions. If we don’t knock this on the head now these a possibility that it could develop into more serious things”

“Like what?” I asked, suddenly my blood turning to ice.

“I don’t want to worry you with things that might not happen violet”

“But even so they still might happen, I’d rather know now”

“Ok” she breathed and then looked at me seriously. “I don’t what you getting all worried cause it very unlike it will happen but paranoia may often lead to things like depression and schizophrenia. But as I said before this is very unlikely”

“Is there anything we can do to stop it?” josh asked worriedly and I felt my heart squeeze at how worried he was over me. I felt bad instantly.

“Well there is medication we can give you violet, but I always like to think of medication as a last resort. So maybe with you, you could start with what I like to call “thought therapy”, which is pretty much you just thinking happy things” she smiled. “I know it doesn’t seem like much, but the brain does react to happy thoughts”

We were in there for about another 10 minutes before she let us go. I got a new prescription and we collected it before exiting the hospital and quickly hopping on a train home. There was hardly anyone on the train so we could speak and not worry about who was listening.

“So you feeling better about everything?” he asked me, enlacing out hands.

“Yeah, im sorry if any of that came across weird in there. I do trust you josh, I trust you with everything I have, I just worry”

“I know I know” he whispered and kissed my forehead. “I worry too I get it”

“Im such a mess”

“Its ok love, we’re in this together, so we’re both a mess. Anyway let’s just forget about it. They guys are waiting for us at the pub and I feel like getting properly fucked”

“Does that mean I’ll have to look after you?” I smiled and he nodded biting his lip.

“Don’t deny, you love looking after me” he chuckled, and then we exited the train. “Hey im kinda hungry, you wanna get something to eat before we meet them?”

My stomach answered for me by growling loudly, and he laughed and pulled me into the nearest restaurant that happened to be the little Italian he took me to the pervious week.

We sat down and about five minutes later my phone began to buzz. I pulled it out to see a text from Zahra.

I see you ;)

I looked up in confusion, and a few tabled behind josh sat Zahra. As soon as she saw me looking she waved and I waved back. Josh turned to see who I was waving too and Oakley turned to and the four of us waved to each other. It must have looked kinda strange.

Josh and I ate quickly because we were already late and on the way out I quickly told Zahra I’d ring her later.

Te pub wasn’t too far away and thankfully on a Monday night I was hoping it wouldn’t be to busy. My prayers must have been answered because the only real amount of noise was coming from our table. We walked in and as soon as we got in sight the table erupted into cheers.

“Where have you two been?” max asked as we approached. I sat down but just quickly excused to go and grab some drinks.

“I had a hospital appointment and then we just grabbed some food” I explained, but max’s eyes went wide.

“Hospital appointment? Vi I didn’t know you were up the duff”

“Whoa max no im not pregnant” I laughed and a look of relief washed over his features. “It was just a check up about my sleeping”

“Ah I see, thank fuck for that, I nearly had a heart attack then. Is everything ok?”

“Yeah its fine” I smiled and then josh returned with some drinks. I took a sip and just as I placed the drink down I heard my name being called across the room. I looked up to see Georgina coming out from the loo’s with a massive smile on her face.

I quickly got up and she pulled me into a hug.

“Ahhh I’ve missed you”

“I missed you, too gee”

Without Georgina I don’t think I would have made it though the past few months of josh being away. She was always on the other end of the phone when I needed her, and it was nice to speak to someone who was going through the same things are you are. It had been about two weeks since we last spoke but it felt like a life time. We quickly sat down next to each other and had a good old catch up whilst the boys got steadily more intoxicated.

Josh was chugging it down like water for some reason and was goofing around with the guys so I went and sat at the bar. A few minutes later I felt someone sit next to me and I looked up into a pair of bright blue eyes.

“Tommy” I smiled and he raised his eyebrows in amusement.

“Tommy? I haven’t been called that in years”

“Yeah well get used to it buddy” I winked and carried on drinking.

“Fine, you can call me it but only you” he said bumping his shoulder against mine. “I have a rep to protect; I can’t be seen being called Tommy out in the open”

“Not to be rude Tommy” I said and he grimaced slightly, “but I thought you left like last week”

“We did, but we’re back again. Oli wanted to check up on the store”

“The store?”

“Yeah we run a clothing company and we have a store on Carnaby Street”

“Really? That’s awesome”

“Well remind me to take you one day”

“Oh don’t worry I will” I smiled and he chuckled.

“So why you over here all alone if you don’t mind me asking”

“Oh no reason. It was just kinda loud over there and josh is completely out of it”

Tom looked over to where josh was and shook his head whilst laughing lightly. His phone then began to ring and he quietly excused himself to take the call. Josh then stumbled over and took his spot. He leant his head on the bar and I lightly ran my fingers through his hair.

“I feel great, you know that vi? I feel fucking fantastic” he spoke into the wood and then lifted his head up to look at me. “You’re so beautiful. Why the hell do you waste your time with me, you could do so much better”

“I think someone’s a little drunk”

He tried to hold in a laugh and made a sort of weird snorting sound which made him laugh really loudly. “maybe just a little bit”

“I wondered who was over here making all the noise” I heard a voice say and looked over to see Charlie and Ali standing behind us.

“Charlie!” I smiled and pulled her in for a hug before hugging Ali. “ahh ive miss you guys”

“aw we’ve miss you too” she smiled.

I haven’t seen Charlie in weeks. And Ali in even longer than that. I really needed to make more of an effort with Charlie but with her living with Ali now and uni, plus my work and then josh being thrown into the equation; it didn’t really leave much time.

Josh now had his head back on the bar and Charlie was eyeing him curiously.

“he’s just a little drunk”

“ok” she smiled and then grabbed Ali’s hand. “well we were just on our way out, but we should catch up soon yeah?”

“yeah, just call whenever, im usually free”

Josh looked up now and clocked Charlie. He smiled brightly before fixing his gaze on Ali. “hi” he said loudly and we all laughed but he carried on smiling.

“ok well, I’ll see you two around” Charlie smiled and gave me one last hug before Ali quickly kissed my cheek and the left.

“so do all your friends’ boyfriends kiss you?” josh suddenly asked. I looked over to him quickly and his happy go lucky expression that was on his face a few seconds ago had completely vanished and now he looked slightly angry and focused.

“what?”

“well it’s just that every time I see you with them they’re always all over you, how would you like it if I went around kissing other girls huh?”

“josh you drunk, stop being stupid”

Josh lent into me and put his lips to my ear.

“yeah well maybe if you didn’t throw yourself around so much I wouldn’t have to be like this”

He whispered it so only I could hear, but I could sense the harshness in his words. He swiftly got up from his chair and left slamming the door behind him noisily.

Tom came back inside a few seconds after and sat next to me again.

“Hey what’s up with josh?”

“I have no idea”