The Kind of Hoax That Leaves a Lump in Your Throat

I quickly excused myself and ran out of the door to see where josh was, but he was nowhere in sight. I considered going back inside but wasn’t in the mood now so I went home.

Josh and I never fought. Like never. The only time I remember even getting close to a fight with him was when I was with Sonnie and he told me not to talk to josh. He got angry with me, but we made up right away.

But this? This was something different.

I could hear him snoring as soon as I opened the door and I followed the sound to see him passed out on the sofa. I inwardly sighed before going upstairs and getting ready for bed.

I was so confused it was unreal. I felt like I wanted to cry and I felt a tiny bit guilty, but I had no idea why. I mean I hadn’t done anything wrong so why should I feel guilty?

I slipped into bed and tried to sleep, but I could still hear josh downstairs and I was too sad to sleep. My eyes began to sting and I could feel the tears now falling from my eyes. I tried not to make to much noise and wake people up so I buried my face in the pillow to quieten my sobs.

Why did he think that about me? I mean what had I done that was so bad that he thought I would throw myself around? I wouldn’t even try because I know I would make an absolute fool of myself, and I had josh anyway so why would I even want too?

I looked at the clock to see it was now 2 in the morning which brought fresh tears to my eyes. I just wanted to sleep, but clearly tonight just wasn’t my night. I crawled out of bed and silently went down the stairs. I did a 180 and went into the kitchen, and when I turned the light on, josh’s snoring stopped.

I couldn’t care less if I woke him up to be honest.

There’s a mirror in the kitchen. Heaven knows why, I think liana put it there. I glance in it as I walked by and caught sight of my bright red puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. I tried wiping then to make it go away, but there was no hiding it. I looked like I’d been punched in both eyes.

I filled the kettle up and made quick cup of tea before sitting at the table. When I was about half way through when he wave of exhaustion took over me. I extended my arm onto the table and rested my head on it.

I was so tired, like stupidly tired. Well physically anyway. I don’t think I could open my eyes even if I wanted to, or just move in general for that fact. But my brain was doing overtime. Just ticking away and thinking stupid thoughts. I just couldn’t slip into unconsciousness.

I felt a presence beside me but I couldn’t sit up. I was too tired. I then felt a hand on my side and then they moved to rub my back slightly.

“violet love, are you awake” I heard josh say.

What was he doing?

I turned my head to the side he was, and he was crouched down so we were at eye level. His hair was a mess and he was squinting as his eyes adjusted to the light, but as soon as he caught sight of me, they widened. I sniffed a little and sat up, facing forward and away from him, but he kept his hand on me.

“Cant sleep?” he asked and I just nodded.

Maybe he was so drunk he couldn’t remember what he’d said, but I wasn’t going to remind him. I could feel his rubbing circles into my back. He then took hold of my chin lightly and made me look at him.

“Im so sorry vi, I don’t know what came over me” he whispered and I shut my eyes slowly and breathed in. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I am sorry” he sighed finally. I could still smell the alcohol on him, but he had sobered up a bit.

“I just-” I started but it came out as a chocked sob. Josh looked he was about to cry himself because of how upset I was but he just let me calm down and finish. “I just don’t understand what I did” I managed to get out before I started crying hysterically.

He jumped up and pulled me with him, before taking my seat and sitting me on his lap. He wrapped his arms around me as I cried into his shoulder and held onto his shirt for dear life. He kept whispering he was sorry into my hair which only made me cry even harder. He rocked me back and forth slowly and I clamed down a little while after. I wiped my eyes and he pulled back to look at me.

“vi im so sorry. Please just ignore what I said”

Little problem. I couldn’t ignore it; I mean what were we if we didn’t have honesty?

“josh I can’t. You couldn’t have just said it for no reason you must have been thinking it. And don’t lie to me. if you have a problem just tell me.”

He started right into my eyes, and I stared back, searching for anything that might explain what was happening, but I came up short. He blinked slowly and then sighed before speaking.

“¬I just got jealous okay? When im on tour all these people get to see you everyday and I don’t. Its not fair. When we were away from each other for all that time, I guess you could say I wasn’t exactly the same person. I missed you; I missed you more than ive ever missed anyone. I mean I was so close to coming home. You remember that day I called you from Boston?”

Well how could I forget? It was about 3 in the morning and he told me he knew I would be awake and he wanted to hear my voice. I could tell there was something more, but no matter how much I pressed him he wouldn’t give in and told me everything was fine.

“truth is I just wanted you to tell me to come home. You know, give me a reason to actually do it. I would have left right away”

“but aren’t you glad you stayed? I mean you would have kicked yourself if you would have left, I know you would”

“if it meant I got to see you then I wouldn’t”

“Yeah well I would have” I retorted and he smiled before looking right into my eyes.

“I love you so much Vi and I can’t help but think you deserve so much more than me. You need someone who’s here all the time and who can look after you.”

“Josh” I groaned and made him look at me. “Yeah, we’re not perfect but I wouldn’t have this any other way. I can look after myself.”

“I guess I just think you’d be better with someone different. I wouldn’t blame you if there was someone else”

“But why, I mean, I thought we were okay? And I mean I was fine whilst you were away.

“Love, you didn’t sleep the whole time”

“Well I’ll be better next time”

“That’s the problem vi, there shouldn’t have to be a next time. I should be here 24/7”

“Well your not josh. But that’s ok. I love you and im not gonna let something so small and stupid as you being away lot tear us apart.”

He sighed and looked at me like he wanted to protest, but I saw the defeat in his eyes.

“I just worry about you”

“I worry about you too. But we just need to learn to live with this. You’re not getting out of us easy” I smiled and he kissed my forehead.

“I love you violet. I’ll make this up to you I promise”

“Don’t be stupid josh; you don’t need to make anything up to me”

“But I feel so bad”

“Well then why did you say it?”

“I guess I was just looking for someone else to blame. I shouldn’t have done it, im sorry. I don’t think for one second you would do that to me, I trust you 100%. Im so sorry vi. It’s just; I guess you could say I’m a little insecure. Ive been burned before.”

“you mean Hanna…?”

“yeah, that’s why I get so worried about things like this. I mean when she did it the first time she promised to never do it again but she still did”

“well I’m not Hanna. You can trust me josh”

“I know I can, im so sorry violet”

“It’s over now. Lets just move on yeah?” I said, and yawned uncontrollably at the end.

“Come on you, let’s go to bed” he sighed and lifted me up in his arms before carrying me to bed. After laying me down, he crawled in next to me and left a kiss on my temple. “I love you” he whispered before burring his head in my neck.

“I love you too.”