I Wanna Be Somebody

River

When I’d came out of the worst of my high, we’d arrived at the venue. So I didn’t hit the banks of an all-time-low, I popped another dose of Ritalin and made my way into the venue. I had to avoid Jess at all costs. The anxiety of her catching me and taking away what kept me on the cliff of sanity was making me twitchy. Every little sound rocketed like gun fire in my skull, but I pressed on.

Sound checks were going on and I took the time to socialize with other members of the tour – those not of my own band who may not be able to tell I was high as a goddamn kite.

Because it felt amazing and I didn’t want it to ever end. The euphoria and the sudden confidence that came with all of it like waves of warm water on an otherwise cold and destitute body.

Elize was checking herself out in the mirror, hands on her hips and turning on her heel to see how the letter pants shaped her backside. Her long, brown hair whipped over one shoulder to the other and she smiled in self-satisfaction.

“Looking good, Ryd,” I said with a smirk. “Wish I had an ass like yours to fill those pants.”

Elize gigged. “You already have everything else. It wouldn’t be fair if you had the ass too.”

I rolled my eyes and made my way into the rest of the green room, looking about. “Where’s everyone else?”

“Getting ready for sound check,” said Elize, picking up a brush to run through her hair. Then, her eyes glinted. “Unless you’re specifically asking about Jake.”

I quirked an eyebrow at her as I took some of her perfume off the table, sniffing at it. “Why would I be asking about Jake?”

“You know he’s super into you, right?” she asked and then scoffed when I looked at her blankly. “Tell me you’re joking.”

“I guess I kinda knew,” I said. “He’s not really the king of subtle advancements.”

“Well…let me just say if you and Isaac don’t work out, Jake’s first in line.” Elize looked at herself in the mirror again and straightened out the tight fitting top she wore. She smiled at me from her reflection. “You two would be super cute together, if I can say so. I mean, you and Isaac are too, but Jake’s one of my best friends so…I’m rooting for him.”

As she’d been talking, the reality that Isaac and I were not together anymore loomed over me like those dark rain clouds. The room seemed to grow darker and ringing started in my ears. Without Isaac, there was no sun. I couldn’t live without a source of light or else I’d stumble in the darkness.

“I…I gotta go,” I said suddenly, dropping the perfume bottle on the table and hurrying out of the room.

I had to find another sun.

I approached the stage, dodging roadies as they wheeled equipment around. Some of them said hi to me, I think. I don’t really remember much besides having to find the sun. A sun. Any light. The darkness was creeping down the hall after me, it’s long taloned hands threatening to grab and tear me apart.

When I turned a corner towards the main stage, I about ran into another sun.

“Whoa there, Riv,” Jake chuckled, grabbing me by my arms and helping me keep my balance. His touch was like fire, warm and welcome against the cold. “What’s the hurry?”

“N-nothing,” I said, regaining my voice as those behind me faded away to mere hisses and then silence. “I, uh…I was just looking for…you,” I said.

“For me?” Jake asked. “What’s up?”

“Nothing really,” I said. “I’m just…” I wracked my brain for an excuse, but nothing came tumbling out of the thought box. “Just wanted to see how the tour’s going for you guys.”

“Good,” Jake answered slowly, not completely convinced. “We’re all playing pretty well, I think. How about for you?”

“It’s…going,” I admitted, trying to force a smile.

The confusion grew to some sort of pity on his face. “I saw,” he said. “In the parking lot. You and Isaac having trouble?”

I swallowed. The ringing again. “Yeah. Yeah, we are. Unfortunately, I guess.”

Jake nodded slowly, a similar glint to what Elize had shown me sparking in his eyes. Except this was more than mischief. There was a hunger. A hunger I’d seen in the past. A hunger I should avoid.

But the light was there too. And I was hungry for the light.

“Very unfortunate,” he purred and stepped closer to me. The space where alarms usually sounded when someone intercepted in had been breached, but there were no alarms. Calm silence except for my heart thumping in my ears. “If you ask me, Isaac doesn’t know what he has. He really should hang onto. Tightly.”

I felt a smile form on face, the corners of my lips hurting from the almost manic grin. “He doesn’t,” I said, not really sure what I was answering to. “But you seem like a man who does.”

Jake’s eyebrows shot up in surprise and he licked at his bottom lip absently as he leaned in even closer. “River Young, if I didn’t know you any better, I’d say you were flirting with me.”

At that moment, I faintly heard footsteps behind us. Jake’s eyes diverted from me to what was behind me and I turned my head slightly to see what looked like Isaac several feet behind us. Then, he – or whoever it was – continued without a word. By the smirk on Jake’s face, it had to be Isaac.

Good.

There was only numbness and heat. The heat was radiating off that man in front of me and I wanted more of it. I could only bat my lashes, then because something in me still wanted to pull me out of this situation and back to Isaac.

But Isaac really didn’t want me, not like how I was.

Jake didn’t care if I was the most fucked up chick in the city. He was thinking between his legs and I was banking on that to help me get the light.

“River!” Jess’ voice barked at me and I looked to see her stomping over to us.

She was clearly pissed and I could only imagine what about. Her temper…it was a burning inferno all on its own. It’d get her in trouble, it had gotten her into trouble. I didn’t need her keeping me from my light.

Jake turned his smile onto her.

“I suggest you make yourself scare,” she growled, crossing her arms over her chest. She thought she was such a bad bitch.

Jake’s smile fell. “R-right. I need to go find Elize and Andy.” At the thought of him leaving, I wanted to grab his hand and make him stay, but I thought that would only keep him away with Jess breathing down my neck. Then, Jake smiled at me again. Warmth. “Catch you later, River.”

“Bye, Jake,” I said, making sure to heighten my voice like the boys liked. “I’ll talk to you later.” Even added a wink. A suggestion of something else later. Maybe. If he brought the light.

As soon as Jake was gone, the onslaught started. “What the fuck is your problem?”

I rolled my eyes and turned to glare at Jess. “I was having a conversation, one that you so rudely interrupted. I should be the one asking you what your problem is,” I defended.

“My problem is that you're more worried about Jake than you are the fact that Isaac is furious at you,” she snapped.

The ringing was back and I felt my skin impeded by thousands of little ants. I hid the discomfort behind a laugh. This bitch thought she could take Isaac’s side and keep me in the darkness. “Oh, I get it. I’m guessing he sent you here to rain on my parade?”

Jess looked like I’d back handed her. Then, she peered closer at me and I tried to hold her gaze, thinking to myself nothing wrong. Nothing to hide. “Are you okay?” she asked. Her eyes scanned over my face, looking for a telltale sign. “Have you been drinking?”

My face hardened, jaw clenching. “No, I haven’t been drinking. Jesus, what is with the third degree?”

"Just checking," she hissed and gritted her teeth.

I rolled my eyes again. Impatient to get away from the inferno. The temper. "I'm fine."

She scoffed at me, looking like she’d just eaten a lemon. She wasn’t getting her way and we just couldn’t have that. "Whatever, Riv. Just be ready for the show tonight."

"Fine."

"Fine," she said and turned away, marching back down the hallway and out of sight.

I felt my high dropping, like the ground was opening up to swallow me. I hurried out of the venue and to the bus, somehow reaching from a point A to B without really knowing how. But my hand was digging through my bag for the pills and I was scarfing them down like a starving beggar.

I pocketed the bottle and unsteadily made my way back into the venue. My steps increased in speed when I was certain the sun was right over me, trying to sear off my skin and show all the bugs crawling on the rotting corpse underneath.

-

I’d teleported again.

I remember gulping down pills, needing a mind-numbing end to it all. The next I was hugging a toilet. Upchucking burning acid, shooting up my throat and pouring down my tongue. Searing everything it touched.

Flames licked against my skin. My skin soaked in artic water. The bones underneath shook and quaked. The edges of sight black.

Hot tears streamed down my cheeks as nothing came up the next time. My body folded in on itself, stomach thrashing around inside as it tried to force its own way up my throat.

Finally, it ceased. For a moment. I pressed my cheek against the cold surface of the toilet seat and let out a long breath. I felt my insides turning in circles, unsure of what was back and which was front.

I hated overdosing.

The thought was so certain, so casual, I almost laughed.

It wasn’t the first time, you stupid bitch.

It wasn’t going to be the last either.

Clearly, I wasn’t going to die. I couldn’t when I was still straddling consciousness and laughing about O.D.’ing.

But then I begin to drift again. My body lifting off the floor, head angled to drown in the toilet water –

A pounding came, jerking me awake. Loud and richotting through the expanse that was not earth nor heaven. Possibly hell…because it was hot.

Not hot enough.

“River?” The voice came from deep water, gargled and muddled. Deep and rising high on the end like all questions do.

My cheek pressed against the ivory was numb. How did I get here?

“River? Are you okay? River!”

“W-who…” I coughed, more and more. More and more. More and more. Until I was dry heaving over the toilet again, willing anything to come up. But just like everything in my life, it didn’t go how I wanted. All the muscles in my body clenching and releasing. Willing. Wanting so form of release.

Tears welled from my eyes. Poured free.

When I was able to speak again: “w-who…is it?”

“It’s Simone.”

“Oh…hey,” I mumbled out. “I…uh…I’m really sick.”

“We’ve been looking everywhere for you,” said Simone. “I’d go get Jess, but…they had to go out on stage.”

“They’re playing…without me?”

“They had to, Riv. It was time for them to go on.”

“I-I get it,” I managed to run a hand through my hair and get it out of my face. “I-I just…I’m not feeling too hot.”

“Do you want me to go get Isaac?”

“N-no!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah…just…when M.M. is off, let them know where I am…”

“What about Tygo?”

“Definitley not…” He would know for certain my sickness stemmed from utter stupidity.

“Just…just wait.”

“River, you’re worrying me –”

“Water,” I said quickly. “Just…water, please.”

I must have blacked out again because Simone was nudging me, holding a water bottle in front of my face. I clumsily fumbled for the bottle and managed to get some of it in parched mouth, sour with vomit. The rest I think fell into the toilet.

Simone said something else, but my head smacked against the toilet seat again and it was black and shaky.

“River…”

“Mmm?”

“Come on, kærlighed…”

Kris, my Danish angel.

His hands pulled me from my slouched position against the toilet, arms sliding underneath me. I felt light and heavy, like a sack of rocks on helium. I laid my head on his shoulder and let my mind drift again.

“The concert…”

“All good,” he said and held me closer. “Everything is fine.”

“I…don’t feel…fine.”

I was drifting off again and couldn’t focus on what Kris was saying. His words spun and swirled and I tried to catch them like they were rapid butterflies.

But I couldn’t.

All I could do was sink deeper into his embrace and let everything finally slip away.