I Can't Not Love You

[Jack]

I walked onto the bus quietly, looking around. We had just finished playing our last show and instead of going out to celebrate with the others, I had decided to come back to the bus for some alone time. Everyone had been suffocating me lately since the incident with Alex and I needed some time to breathe.

I had been avoiding Alex, which is really hard to do when you live together on a tour bus. Fortunately, everyone else had been helping me keep my distance from him. They also kept hovering over me though, which was becoming annoying. Just because I’m heartbroken doesn’t mean I’m incapable of doing things on my own.

Okay, so maybe that’s not true – for the first few days I had refused to leave my bunk with the exception of playing shows and using the bathroom.

I sighed and pulled my sweaty shirt over my head, tossing it into my bag and searching for a clean one. I finally found a clean shirt and put it on, frowning as I heard the door open and shut from up front. I had been hoping to be alone for the night. Hopefully someone had just come onto the bus to grab something and leave again.

I walked up front and my eyes widened when I saw Alex kicking his shoes off. I turned around quickly, heading toward the back again.

“Jack, wait! I know you saw me!” Alex called out. I heard him trip over something as he ran after me.

“Go away, Alex. I don’t want to talk to you,” I said shortly, walking into the back lounge. Alex grabbed my shoulder and I spun around, glaring at him, “Seriously. Fuck off.”

“I’m not leaving this bus until things are settled between us,” Alex said, shutting the door behind him.

“You might not be, but I am,” I muttered, trying to push past him to get to the door. He pushed me back and I fought to get past him for a minute before finally giving up. He was stronger than me. I scowled and crossed my arms. “I hope you realize that as soon as the others come onto the bus, they’re going to yank you away from me.”

“Nope. Rian’s keeping everyone busy for a while,” Alex said with a shrug.

“Well, what do you want? You gonna fuck me and leave again?” I asked harshly.

Alex sighed heavily, “Look, Jack, I’m really sorry about everything. I’m sorry I used you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I just... I thought you were okay with what was going on.”

“Why the hell would I be okay with being your fuck buddy?” I snapped, feeling tears starting to form in my eyes. Dammit. I hadn’t cried in a few days and had wanted to keep it that way.

“I... I don’t know. I guess I didn’t understand what you wanted from me. To be fair, you were perfectly fine with the sex.”

“I thought you knew what I wanted. That’s why I didn’t say anything,” I said, my voice cracking slightly. I sat down on the couch, trying to control my tears and not burst out crying.

“Will you please tell me the truth? I want to know why you’re so upset over this whole thing. It can’t just be because I stopped having sex with you,” Alex said softly, sitting beside me. That pushed me over the edge and I started crying. “Please. I hate seeing you so upset.”

“I-I can’t tell you. You’ll hate me,” I whimpered.

“Jack... Danny told me that you love me. He was pissed about me hurting you and told me that was why you were so upset,” Alex said hesitantly. “Is that why?”

My eyes widened in shock, and I started sobbing even harder. No. I couldn’t believe that Danny actually told him. I told him not to tell anyone ever.

“No, don’t cry, please. Aw, I didn’t know you’d get so upset over that,” Alex said, and I could hear the concern in his voice. “Shh, calm down.”

He hugged me close to him, not letting me pull away even if I tried. I chose to sob into his chest instead. I finally managed to slow down my crying, and I whimpered and pulled away from him.

“Listen to me, okay? I... I like you too, Jack,” he began, and I scowled at him.

“Yeah, right. Fuck you. I don’t want you taking pity on me,” I said, turning away from him and wiping my eyes.

“No, I’m being honest, I swear. Without you around me in the past two weeks I’ve been feeling totally empty and lost. I realized it was because I was missing my Jack,” Alex said softly.

I felt my heart skip a beat. His Jack. I turned back to him slowly, glancing up at him. “Continue.”

“I know it was horrible to cross that friendship boundary like we did. It was wrong. After that first drunken night of sex I should have stopped and thought about the situation, but I didn’t. I was thinking with my dick instead of my head,” he admitted, reaching out and taking my hand gently. This time I didn’t try to pull away. “I mean, maybe it was all just a sign that we both needed to take a good look at what was going on and realize that we both like each other.”

“Alex, are you being completely serious? I really don’t think I can take any more heartbreak,” I said weakly.

“I’m serious, I promise. And Jack... I love you too,” Alex said nervously. “It sounds cheesy, but you complete me. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you. Not having you around for the past week or two made me realize how much I need you in my life. You’re perfect and funny and crazy and a little dorky, just like me. You’re so much more than a friend to me, I love you.”

A grin spread across my face slowly at his words, unable to contain my happiness. “Really? You love me?”

“Yeah, I do,” Alex chuckled, smiling. “I really hope you can forgive me for all the shit I’ve done. I’m so sorry.”

“I forgive you,” I said shyly, still smiling.

He squeezed my hand, “Good. Well, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d actually like to give dating a shot... you’d be a perfect boyfriend. What do you think?”

I squealed and tackled Alex in a hug, knocking him backwards onto the couch with me lying on top of him. “Yes, of course I want to be your boyfriend!”

Alex laughed and leaned in to kiss me softly. When we finally broke apart, he smiled up at me, “You know, I still haven’t heard you say that you love me.”

I smiled and leaned my forehead against his, “I love you, Alex Gaskarth. I love you so fucking much.”