I Lost It

The season was over- but I didn’t care.

We didn’t make the playoffs again, for my second season on the team- but I didn’t care about that either.

For once in my life, hockey didn’t matter. Nothing about hockey mattered ever since she left.

To be honest, I was happy we didn’t make the playoffs. That is sooner that I can just leave- the better. All I wanted to do was leave- Leave this Town… Leave this State… Leave this Country.

I didn’t want to be here if I couldn’t be here with her.

I cannot remember ever being this reckless, but her leaving she did that to me. She kept me grounded when she was with me, but now she wasn’t there to do it.

~~~

So there I was, packing some stuff to head back up to Canada for the offseason.

I started with my clothes, because I decided to take some shirts and stuff up with me for the drive and all. I didn’t need a lot so I figured this would be quick and painless.

On the other hand, everything I pulled out brought a memory with it… of her.

No matter what I went to pack or what I went to do, she was there. Everything reminded me of her. I couldn’t get her off of my mind.

~~~

FLASHBACK

The game had ended, a 4-3 win over the Capitals. I had 2 assists, but overall I didn’t think it was a good game for anyone, me included.

After we got done with the media and all of our stuff was loaded, we headed into the busses on our way to the airport.

After a quick hour flight and a 10 minute drive back to the RBC Center, I got in my car and drove home. I couldn’t wait to see my girl. Really see her… FaceTime while I am on the road doesn’t actually count.

I parked and ran into the elevator and to my apartment, quietly but quickly opening the door.

The apartment was dark, as expected, and I walked down the hall, dropping my bags, and went over to the bed. No one was there.

Had I missed her on the couch?

I walked back out there… not there. I turned the lights on now and pulled my phone out of my pocket to call her.

It rang and rang… nothing.

By the time it got to voicemail, I had been ready to hang up. I sent her a text asking her where she was and put the phone on the counter behind me.

I walked over to the refrigerator, pulled out a water and walked back over to the counter to grab my phone.

That is when it caught my eye. A note…

Jeff-
Above all, I need you to know that I love you and I always will. No matter what happens to wither of us, you will always be a true friend to me and the genuinely nicest person that I have ever met. With that being said, I don’t think that it is right for me to stick around and make you raise my child with me. I know that we are young and you have your entire life and career in front of you, and I am not going to be the person to take it away right before everyone’s eyes. This is very hard for me to do, but it might make you happier to know that Luke and I have worked things out with seeing and paying for the baby and are hoping that it will all work out so that this baby will have as normal a life as possible. Please don’t call me or text me and try to guilt me into coming back. As much as I want to and as much as my heart is telling me I should, I can’t take your life away from you like that.
I will love you forever,
Katie

Never once had I actually experienced a feeling like this. With everything that I have ever been through, I have never felt like my life was being torn apart by one small thing. Never have I let one person ruin turn my life upside-down like that for any reason.

~~~

After I thought back to that time, I went into my texts to send her a message. The last one that I had sent her was from that night, 3 months ago.

I know you said not to call or text you, but you knew that wasn’t going to happen. I don’t know if you understand the way that I feel about you. I love you so much, Kate, and you are the most important thing in the world to me. If you truly think that I do not want to be a part of that baby’s life, you are wrong. I do want to be a part of his or her life, but most of all I want to be a part of yours. I will take anything you have coming with you, as long as I can have you. You said that you don’t want to be the one to take it all away from me… my life and my career… You are my life, and without you, I don’t want to play hockey. Without you, I don’t want to do anything. You are all I want, and I though you knew and understood that. As for the thing with Luke, yes, that is great that you guys have come up with a way to work this out, but when the baby is with you, I want it to be with us… you and me. We were supposed to be a family, and I wanted that for us. Please don’t do this to me, don’t do this to us, because a love like this is rare and we should hang on to it. I love you. No matter what.