Fuer Immer Allein
Ich Bin Fuer Immer Allein
12-9-2011
I wish I knew why I was upset today. Maybe it was last night when I started to think about Ria being back in Germany while I’m here in Los Angeles. I was doing such a good job of keeping this from my thoughts; I swear it’s been months since I felt this way. But sooner or later I always come back to this single sentence.
I am forever alone.
The first time I knew that I’d be alone forever was after I lost my virginity. Not even a week later, she broke up with me for an older boy and it hurt a lot. Men will never admit this but we also feel a bond with the first woman we have sex with. So you can imagine how I felt when this girl, who could’ve very well been my first “love,” tells me that she’d rather be with a 15 year old.
From then on I only used woman for sex. I didn’t want to go through a relationship, get those feelings I had once before, and then end up hurt. Getting hurt once was enough for me and I told myself that I’d never be the one getting hurt again; it’d always be the girl.
Tokio Hotel’s success not only helped feed my ego, but helped me hurt women. So many of the one night stands thought they could change my ways by sleeping with me. They were so wrong! Sure, I cared about them before and during the sex. But afterwards, they were only another notch on my bedpost as Bill likes to put it. I kept breaking hearts for nearly five years until I started to grow up.
Chantelle Paige and I met one night at a restaurant in LA. Her smile was so beautiful that it broke my walls down in seconds. We went on a few dates and of course photographers were always waiting for us with their cameras ready. I didn’t care about them or what the fans were saying for once; I just cared that I was starting to believe in love again.
Too bad that didn’t last long. Out of the blue, she stopped calling me or texting me back. I guess she didn’t need me anymore now that she gained more fans. Stupid bitch. Am I still bitter that she used me to gain more popularity? Fuck yes I am. I let a woman bring down my walls and what does she do!? She shows me exactly what I’ve known all along: I should never trust anyone.
Sometimes I feel bad that two women had to ruin the chances of others to be with me. But how can I trust that future girlfriends won’t use me for my fame? They always say, “I don’t care about your fame as long as I’m with you!” I wish I could believe them.
“Why not date a fan?”
Sure, they understand that my band always will come first. However I have yet to meet a fan that doesn’t cry or shriek at the sight of me. I’m sure they are out there, but it would be nice to meet a few girls that just act like I am a normal person.
But that’s just it! To them, I’m not a normal person; to them, I am TOM KAULITZ FROM TOKIO HOTEL! Sorry to let you down, but I’m a very different person when I’m not on stage or in front of cameras.
The Real Tom:
-I never put that much thought into what I’m going to wear for the day.
-I’m extremely jealous.
-I don’t like to shave unless my facial hair gets too long.
-When in a relationship, I love it when the girl gets jealous once in a while. So sometimes I will flirt with someone else in front of her to get a reaction.
-I don’t love my brother as much as I say I do. He annoys me a lot.
-If I let you into my life, that means I care about you.
-I hate when people assume they know how I feel.
-I like to be alone when I’m upset. It’s not fair to take out my shitty mood on the people around me.
-I hate almost every nickname anyone has ever called me. Why can’t people just stick with “Tom”?
-I wish my schedule wasn’t so busy so I could spend time with my dogs and do the things I WANT to do; not what I HAVE to do.
The only person besides my family and band mates that know the Real Tom is Ria. When she and I met, we instantly became best friends. To tell the truth, we still are just best friends; she’s not my girlfriend. But can I ever help myself when I’m around a beautiful woman? We have kissed and things a few times throughout our friendship. I can safely tell you that I’m not in love with her though.
When I do think about how I’ll know when I’m in love, I imagine it as being something great. I imagine that I’ll lose my breath and train of thought when I look into her eyes. I imagine that all of those cheesy love songs I always hear will suddenly make sense to me and make me think of her. I imagine that we’ll be able to read each other better than anyone else. I imagine that if we get into any fights, it won’t last more than a day because we can’t stand to be mad at each other for that long. I imagine that when I’m with her I’ll feel like nothing can bring me down and I’ll feel whole.
I saw how the fans reacted to the most recent pictures of Ria and I. I’m not sure if they mean to, but they’re keeping me from something I really wish I could have. I know I haven’t had an interview to clear up that I’m just friends with her, but now she definitely doesn’t want to be my girlfriend.
And what girl would? What woman would want to have thousands of girls threaten her life? What girl would want fans of her boyfriend to act happy for her, when they actually hate her? Who would want to date someone that’s at a constant risk of getting molested by his fans? Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who has fans that stalk him? Probably no one.
But I hope there is a woman out there willing to give me a shot. I hope there’s a girl willing to look past Tom Kaulitz from Tokio Hotel in order to get to know the Real Tom. I also hope that my fans will genuinely accept this girl when she walks into my life. I know; that’s asking a bit too much but I really hope they will because my fans do mean a lot to me.
So mystery girl, if you’re out there, just know that I’m here waiting for you. I’ll probably be waiting the rest of my life for you because the chances of us meeting are one in a billion. Please hurry though. I know I say I’ll be fine with being forever alone, but I won’t. I’ll act like I’m fine in front of everyone, but I really won’t be alright.
Zoom dich zu mir; ich zoom mich zu dir.
Liebe,
the Real Tom.
I wish I knew why I was upset today. Maybe it was last night when I started to think about Ria being back in Germany while I’m here in Los Angeles. I was doing such a good job of keeping this from my thoughts; I swear it’s been months since I felt this way. But sooner or later I always come back to this single sentence.
I am forever alone.
The first time I knew that I’d be alone forever was after I lost my virginity. Not even a week later, she broke up with me for an older boy and it hurt a lot. Men will never admit this but we also feel a bond with the first woman we have sex with. So you can imagine how I felt when this girl, who could’ve very well been my first “love,” tells me that she’d rather be with a 15 year old.
From then on I only used woman for sex. I didn’t want to go through a relationship, get those feelings I had once before, and then end up hurt. Getting hurt once was enough for me and I told myself that I’d never be the one getting hurt again; it’d always be the girl.
Tokio Hotel’s success not only helped feed my ego, but helped me hurt women. So many of the one night stands thought they could change my ways by sleeping with me. They were so wrong! Sure, I cared about them before and during the sex. But afterwards, they were only another notch on my bedpost as Bill likes to put it. I kept breaking hearts for nearly five years until I started to grow up.
Chantelle Paige and I met one night at a restaurant in LA. Her smile was so beautiful that it broke my walls down in seconds. We went on a few dates and of course photographers were always waiting for us with their cameras ready. I didn’t care about them or what the fans were saying for once; I just cared that I was starting to believe in love again.
Too bad that didn’t last long. Out of the blue, she stopped calling me or texting me back. I guess she didn’t need me anymore now that she gained more fans. Stupid bitch. Am I still bitter that she used me to gain more popularity? Fuck yes I am. I let a woman bring down my walls and what does she do!? She shows me exactly what I’ve known all along: I should never trust anyone.
Sometimes I feel bad that two women had to ruin the chances of others to be with me. But how can I trust that future girlfriends won’t use me for my fame? They always say, “I don’t care about your fame as long as I’m with you!” I wish I could believe them.
“Why not date a fan?”
Sure, they understand that my band always will come first. However I have yet to meet a fan that doesn’t cry or shriek at the sight of me. I’m sure they are out there, but it would be nice to meet a few girls that just act like I am a normal person.
But that’s just it! To them, I’m not a normal person; to them, I am TOM KAULITZ FROM TOKIO HOTEL! Sorry to let you down, but I’m a very different person when I’m not on stage or in front of cameras.
The Real Tom:
-I never put that much thought into what I’m going to wear for the day.
-I’m extremely jealous.
-I don’t like to shave unless my facial hair gets too long.
-When in a relationship, I love it when the girl gets jealous once in a while. So sometimes I will flirt with someone else in front of her to get a reaction.
-I don’t love my brother as much as I say I do. He annoys me a lot.
-If I let you into my life, that means I care about you.
-I hate when people assume they know how I feel.
-I like to be alone when I’m upset. It’s not fair to take out my shitty mood on the people around me.
-I hate almost every nickname anyone has ever called me. Why can’t people just stick with “Tom”?
-I wish my schedule wasn’t so busy so I could spend time with my dogs and do the things I WANT to do; not what I HAVE to do.
The only person besides my family and band mates that know the Real Tom is Ria. When she and I met, we instantly became best friends. To tell the truth, we still are just best friends; she’s not my girlfriend. But can I ever help myself when I’m around a beautiful woman? We have kissed and things a few times throughout our friendship. I can safely tell you that I’m not in love with her though.
When I do think about how I’ll know when I’m in love, I imagine it as being something great. I imagine that I’ll lose my breath and train of thought when I look into her eyes. I imagine that all of those cheesy love songs I always hear will suddenly make sense to me and make me think of her. I imagine that we’ll be able to read each other better than anyone else. I imagine that if we get into any fights, it won’t last more than a day because we can’t stand to be mad at each other for that long. I imagine that when I’m with her I’ll feel like nothing can bring me down and I’ll feel whole.
I saw how the fans reacted to the most recent pictures of Ria and I. I’m not sure if they mean to, but they’re keeping me from something I really wish I could have. I know I haven’t had an interview to clear up that I’m just friends with her, but now she definitely doesn’t want to be my girlfriend.
And what girl would? What woman would want to have thousands of girls threaten her life? What girl would want fans of her boyfriend to act happy for her, when they actually hate her? Who would want to date someone that’s at a constant risk of getting molested by his fans? Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who has fans that stalk him? Probably no one.
But I hope there is a woman out there willing to give me a shot. I hope there’s a girl willing to look past Tom Kaulitz from Tokio Hotel in order to get to know the Real Tom. I also hope that my fans will genuinely accept this girl when she walks into my life. I know; that’s asking a bit too much but I really hope they will because my fans do mean a lot to me.
So mystery girl, if you’re out there, just know that I’m here waiting for you. I’ll probably be waiting the rest of my life for you because the chances of us meeting are one in a billion. Please hurry though. I know I say I’ll be fine with being forever alone, but I won’t. I’ll act like I’m fine in front of everyone, but I really won’t be alright.
Zoom dich zu mir; ich zoom mich zu dir.
Liebe,
the Real Tom.