You're Pretty From Afar

It was Mia’s birthday and Max and I had organised a dinner to celebrate with everyone then moving on to a club. Unfortunately, I had somehow ended up sitting opposite Josh and not Mia, which I wasn’t so pleased about- anyone but Josh would’ve been fine. After our fight at Reading last week, we hadn’t spoken and all we exchanged were unpleasant looks which just bought back the anger I had towards him.

Throughout the meal I could feel Josh glaring at me, what the hell was his problem? I noticed Max whisper something to him and I guessed he told him to cut it out because he didn’t look at me again until we had finished.

“Excuse me everyone,” Max stood up, gathering everyone’s attention, “oi, Flint listen up! I’m not really good with this sort of thing, I just wanted to say happy birthday to my gorgeous girl here and that I hope she gets all she’s ever wanted this year,” he smiled down at a blushing Mia beside him, “and let her know that I love her more than anything,” Max leant down to kiss her on the lips whilst the rest of the party cheered loudly, yelling happy birthday and whistling.

“And now we can all go and celebrate in style and party!” Max finished, necking his drink back, “I love you,” he whispered to Mia. I was happy for them but that moment reminded me of what I had lost and I felt my heart ache just a little more; I looked up from the couple, Josh was staring at me intently and for that moment we locked eyes, his filled with remorse and mine full of nostalgia. Regrettably, I was the first one to look away, which led Josh to get up and go stand outside and wait for everyone- he couldn’t just act his age for once could he?

I held back behind the crowd as we all made our way towards the club around the corner, my partying mood had suddenly died and I wanted to go home but it was Mia’s birthday so I just had to get over myself and cheer up.

“Mia, we need to talk,” I heard from behind me.

I sighed heavily, not turning around to look at him, “No Josh, we’ve done enough talking and I’m sick of it!”

Josh felt the need to come and walk beside me, what was he doing? “Me too, I just think we need to be mature and at least be friends for everyone else’s sake,” he said looking at the floor.

I couldn’t believe my ears, “You have got to be kidding me right? There is no way Josh that I would ever consider being friends with you after what you did- not for my sake and certainly not for anyone else’s!”

“If you’re going to act like a five year old be my guest but don’t say I didn’t try- I was just trying to make everyone around us feel slightly comfortable because at the moment they can’t stand to be around us,” Josh lectured.

“You’re the one that made things this way and you were the one who cheated on me and you were the one glaring at me across the table tonight so I think they call it pot calling kettle black,” I hissed, trying to deter any attention we were attracting.

“Fine, have it your way,” he said bluntly and walked away, ahead of me.

Did he really expect us to be friends? I wouldn’t be friends with him if he was the last person on earth, no matter how I may or may not feel about him, I could never go back there.

***
Ever since Josh and I argued at Mia’s birthday things had changed. He no longer glared at me from across the room or made snide comments whenever he felt the need, in fact he was doing everything but. For example, when Dan had a few people round the other day I arrived the same time as Josh did and he acted as if everything was hunky dory, he held the door open for me first and actually smiled at me. Also, when I was at the pub with Matt, Dan and Josh, he went and bought me a drink voluntarily, smiling at me perfectly as our hands came in contact when he handed it to me. I didn’t know what to think, was he just putting on a front for everyone else or was he genuinely over us? When I began to think of this possibility I felt my heart sink, I didn’t want Josh to get over me, not really. I knew I still loved him, that much was true, and him acting like this just made me want him back in spite of everything he had done. I didn’t want Josh to be over us, I wanted him to fight for us, to want to be still want to be together but I guess he just gave up.

“Hey chicken,” Mia said collapsing next to me on the sofa, “What you thinking about?” she smiled.

“Do you think Josh is over me?” I asked directly.

Mia looked straight at me and hesitated before saying anything, “I don’t think he’s fully over you, I don’t think he ever will be, just like you won’t ever be over him. However, I do think that he is trying his hardest to move on with his life and you should let him do that.”

I looked down at my hands in my lap, “I don’t want him to move on Mia, I love him, I want him to fight for me,” I bit my lip to stop the tears.

“You don’t think he fought for you? Lily, he tried so hard to try and get you to talk to him, to try and get you to give him another chance but you wouldn’t even listen. And now, just as he is trying to move on, you decide you want him back?”

Mia’s words hit me straight in the chest- it was true though. I had been so angry with him that by the time I had calmed down it was too late, he had already given up with me and just didn’t care anymore.

I began to cry into Mia’s shoulder, “He hurt me Mia, he hurt me so fucking much I just didn’t know what to do! And now it’s too late because he doesn’t love me anymore and I know that I will never love anyone as much as I love him. It just hurts so much, everything’s just so messed up!” I wept.

“I’m sorry Lils,” she comforted me, “you’re going to be okay though, I promise.”