You're Pretty From Afar

“Oi Lils, get in here,” I heard Max call from Dan’s kitchen.

I hung my coat up and walked in to the kitchen to find Dan, Max, Matt, Josh and Mia scattered about the kitchen which was covered in food for this afternoon’s barbecue.

“What is going on?” I laughed.

“It’s not funny Lily, we seriously need your help! Dan has no idea how his barbecue works, Matt doesn’t even know how to use a microwave, Josh keeps eating all the food and Mia isn’t helping with her pointing out everything we need to do!” Max stressed.

I couldn’t help but laugh again, “Okay calm down Max, it’s not a big deal. We just need to get organised- which is why I’m here,” I smiled, “I’ll go and help Dan figure out the barbecue, Matt can get out the sausages and burgers from the packets and prep them, Josh can prepare the salads because we know he won’t eat them and you and Mia can get the garden ready for everyone, okay?”

“Okay,” Max reassured himself, “let’s go!”

I stepped outside with Dan as we walked towards the barbecue, “That was pretty impressive!” Dan raised his eyebrow at me smirking.

“I know,” I grinned sweetly.

“So where do we start?” he asked as he leant over the barbecue.

I scotched Dan over so I could get a look at it, “How do you not know how to use your own barbecue?” I asked.

“I’m sorry I didn’t go to barbecuing school,” Dan mocked sarcastically earning a sticking out of the tongue from me.

Whilst Dan was on his knees trying to figure out how to use the bloody thing Josh came out and stood laughing at him, “If you’re not going to contribute positively I think you should get back to your salad prep,” Dan said, struggling.

“Actually I came here to ask if you guys wanted any drinks,” Josh said, not taking his eyes from Dan.

“A beer would be great thanks mate,” Dan replied, less stressed.

“Yup, do you want anything Lily?” Josh turned to ask me smiling.

I was shocked by Josh’s courtesy and politeness, “Um, can I just get a coke please?” I smiled timidly. I must’ve been the first time I had spoken to Josh without yelling at him.

“Coming right up,” he said cheerfully and walked back into the house.

“How are things between you two?” Dan interrupted my thoughts about how much things had changed.

“Um, okay I suppose. We’re not fighting every time we meet which is good but I don’t really know what I’m feeling at the moment, I’m so confused about everything.”

“Do you still love him?” Dan asked candidly, turning from the barbecue to look into my eyes with honesty.

“Yeah and the worst part is I don’t think that’s ever going to change,” I said solemnly.

“I know it’s hard Lils but it has been for him too, I just think the best thing for the both of you now is to move on and accept the way things worked out,” he smiled weakly.

“Hmm… yeah,” I murmured.

“Here you go Dan,” Josh handed Dan a beer, “and here’s your coke,” he smiled.

“What are you doing in a band? You’d make a fantastic waiter,” I grinned, not realising that this was the most laidback conversation I’d had with him in a while.

“Well if it doesn’t work out at least I can sleep at night knowing I have a back-up plan,” he laughed before walking back into the house. I turned back to face Dan who smiled at me once again weakly.

“What?” I asked forcefully.

“Nothing,” he responded, but I could tell he was thinking something.

By four o’clock we had all finished setting up and most people had arrived, I was topping up my drink when Elissa, Josh’s sister, walked into Dan’s Kitchen. Elissa and I had been really close whilst Josh and I were together, even now we still stayed friends and met up for a coffee once in a while which was nice. She was such an easy person to get on with, I was able to tell her anything and I knew she wouldn’t tell Josh even if she was his sister.

“Hey hun, you alright?” she smiled, putting ice into her drink.

I perched on the counter and took a swig of my drink, “Yeah, I’m alright,” I said unconvincingly.

“Now say it like you mean it,” she smiled, “what’s up?”

I looked up from my drink and sighed, “I sound like a fucking broken record but I just don’t know what to do, a part of me wants him back so much but the other part just won’t let me get past everything that-“ Max came running into the kitchen already buzzing off the alcohol he had drunk.

“Hey ladies,” he grinned, swinging his arm around Elissa’s shoulder.

Elissa laughed, “Hey Max, had a bit to drink have we?”

“Actually Josh went out on his way to pick up Holly to get some more, I need one now though,” Max whined but his face suddenly dropped when he looked at me. Both him and Elissa stood there awkwardly and gave each other a knowing look. I guessed it was something to do with this Holly girl and I just thought I’d come right out with what I was thinking.

“Josh has a new girlfriend?” I said confidently but inside I could feel my heart sink and my body want to collapse on itself. I had to pretend it didn’t bother me but I wasn’t great at doing so.

Elissa looked sympathetically towards me knowing that I wasn’t okay seeing as I was half way through spilling my guts to her, “Um yeah, sorry I didn’t really know how to tell you. They only made It official a few days ago and I don’t think it’s very serious at the moment, I just didn’t want to upset you.”

“Me? I’m fine honestly, I’m happy for him. At least we can all move on now,” I flashed a fake smile.

“Sorry Lils, I didn’t mean for you to find out from me like that,” Max walked over to hug me.

“Honestly Max, I’m fine about it. Josh and I were over a long time ago. I’m just going to go to the bathroom,” I managed to speak, controlling my emotions before exiting the kitchen and running out the front door. I couldn’t stay there and wait for Josh to come home with his new girlfriend, I wouldn’t be able to stand back and watch him with another girl. Knowing that he cheated on me was bad enough but actually being there, seeing them hold hands, kiss and be happy with one another would have crushed me. It should’ve been me; it was me, until everything fucked up.

I ran home and collapsed onto the bed and started crying uncontrollably, I couldn’t stop picturing Josh with another girl, the image I had created in my mind was just replaying over and over, I couldn’t take it.

I must’ve fallen asleep because I was woken by Mia climbing into my bed with me, “What are you doing?” I muffled into the pillow.

“You left early and I wanted to see if you were okay,” she smiled weakly once I looked at her, “I also bumped into Elissa and Max.”

“I’m fine, whatever they said it doesn’t matter, I’m okay,” I smiled.

“If you’re so fine, why do you have mascara running down your face?” she raised an eyebrow, “I’m sorry you found out about Josh and Holly like that, I was going to tell you when I knew it was serious, I didn’t want to upset you over nothing,” she looked apologetically at me.

“It’s not your fault… is it serious then?” I asked not actually wanting to know the answer.

“I don’t know at the moment, in all honesty I think he does really like her but I don’t know if he wants to be with her. No one at the moment really knows what is going on,” Mia comforted me.

“Oh,” was all I say, I didn’t really know what to think.

“But I do have some good news for you,” Mia smiled, “the boys have asked us to go help out with them on Warped Tour with merch and that kind of stuff, what d’ya think?”
I immediately thought it was the stupidest idea I had ever heard of. I would have to spend over a month on a bus with Josh and I was guessing that Holly would join us at some point so that made my decision a definite, “Are you being serious?” I sat up, “I can’t spend that long on a bus with him, it would be horrible! And what about when his girlfriend came, how awkward would that be?”

“Lily calm down, you wouldn’t have to speak to him if you didn’t want to. The guys would do their own thing, they would be rehearsing, doing press and hanging out with other bands, it really wouldn’t be that big of a deal. And as for Holly, I doubt she’d come out for long, she goes to uni so she won’t have that much time off. Please come Lily, it will be fun! We always talked about going on tour with them, and they all want you to come, please, please, please,” Mia pleaded with her puppy dog eyes.

I sighed heavily knowing that she would win me over at some point, “I’ll think about it.”

“Yay! We’re going to America, YAY!” Mia squealed with excited.

I rolled my eyes, “I didn’t say yes yet.”

“You will.”