You're Pretty From Afar

“Lily!” I heard Josh call after me, I should’ve known he would follow me.

I had no idea where I was, I just knew I was in an empty field, it was pitch black and I had no idea where I was going.

I ran so fast I fell down and twisted my ankle on a rock, “Fuck,” I shouted fairly loudly and now Josh was heading towards me. The pain was excruciating and I couldn’t even begin to try and stand on it.

“What happened? Are you okay?” he looked down at me panting out of breath.

“I’m fine,” I strongly stated.

“You don’t look it, here let me help you,” Josh extended out his arm to me.

I left his arm hanging, “I’m fine Josh, I can do it myself.”

“Really Lily? I’m trying to help you, at least accept that. I don’t know how much more I can take of you making me feel like this. I made a mistake, a huge, fucking, mistake that I will never forgive myself for and I lost you. The best thing that’s ever happened to me and I lost it. I know it was all my fault and I know that it was me who destroyed us and no one else, don’t you think I tell myself that every day? But you punishing me, you torturing me cannot make me feel any worse than I already do so I’m not going to sit back and let it happen anymore. I lost you Lily, isn’t that punishment enough?”

I stared blankly at Josh, for a single moment I actually understood what he was saying and I actually felt sorry for him. But I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t allow him to just say things and change my mind about how I feel about him. Yes I still loved him but things could never be the same again, could they?

Josh extended his arm out to me once more but this time I placed my hand in his as he tried to help me up. Josh held my side as I struggled to stand on my feet but I eventually was able to meet his eye level. We stood in silence with one another, my eyes locked with his- I was so confused, I didn’t know what to think anymore, I wanted to be with him but I had convinced myself one hundred times over it was the wrong thing to do.

Josh’s misty, blue eyes looked deep into my hazel coloured ones, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking, it was such a shit situation. I suddenly realised Josh was still holding my hand and gripping my torso, the heat from his hand getting hotter and hotter on my skin. The Josh I was staring at was the one I loved, he was looking at me like he always had, like he loved me more than anything; but there was something else, he looked so hurt and heartbroken and I couldn’t stand it. I knew I was the reason for this, it was his own fault but I was practically torturing him and torturing myself in the process. Josh took a step closer to me so our faces were now inches apart and I could feel his warm breath on my cheek. Josh slowly inched his face to mine and pulled me closer into him. He pressed his lips onto mine softly and raised his hand to my cheek holding me in place gently- even though I knew it was coming, the kiss still took me by surprise. I didn’t know how to react at first but I loosened up and let Josh kiss me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he took this as a sign to pull me in closer and kiss me harder.

Josh’s tongue entered my mouth and his tongue ran along my teeth, I combed my fingers through his hair- I had forgotten what it was like kissing Josh and it just seemed to be a thousand times better than I remembered. It was as if I could physically feel the spark between us reigniting, Josh had always been a good kisser but this time it just felt different, it felt amazing. I could feel myself getting hotter, I wanted Josh so badly. The next thing I knew Josh pulled me down on top of him on the floor and slid his hands underneath my vest top. I gasped at how cold his hands were but I let him continue up to my chest.

It all happened so fast and suddenly Josh and I were half naked, lying on the grass, fuck knows where we were and I had a feeling things weren’t slowing down anytime soon.

“Josh we can’t do this here,” I tried to ease away from him.

Josh stopped barely stopped kissing my neck, “Of course we can, I know you want to just as much as I do,” he replied, muffled into my neck.

That got me, it always did and he knew it. I couldn’t resist it when he nibbled and sucked the sweet spot on my neck, it made me so hot for him. He unclasped my bra just as I reached down his boxers and felt him- fuck I wanted him. Next, his hands slipped down to my panties and he hooked his fingers around them smoothly pulling them down. His hands felt so soft against my thighs and made my whole body tingle. Once he had stripped me down he hovered over me and then thrust into me making me gasp with pleasure. It felt so fucking good being with Josh again, I looked straight into his eyes and he knew instantly how I felt about him; that the feelings I had for him never went away and were just shadowed by what he did but none of that mattered right now, I just wanted to be with him in every single way possible.

***

I woke up next to Josh’s body, wrapped in his hoody whilst the rest of our clothes where spread out everywhere and I suddenly realised we were lying naked, in a field after just sleeping with each other- classy. Josh’s arms were wrapped protectively around my waist as my leg lay on top of him and my head nuzzled into his neck. The sun shone down on his face, his mouth hung open so cutely and his morning stubble looked adorable. I didn’t want him to wake up because I knew that this would be over and we’d have to go on like nothing had happened, Holly was back at the bus and it was wrong of us to do this- it was history repeating itself, except this time I was that girl in the photo.

Laying here was perfect and I didn’t want it to stop, I wanted to stay like this forever where things were so much easier. However, Josh slowly began to open his eyes and his face lit up when he saw me and he smiled at me sweetly.

“Hey you,” he said huskily but unable to refrain from grinning at me.

“Hey,” I whispered nervously before he kissed me longingly on the lips.

Josh smiled at me reassuringly before he checked the time on his watch, “Shit! I better get off to soundcheck, we can talk later okay?”

I simply nodded whilst biting my lip, I was so confused about what had happened and I didn’t know how long I could take of not knowing where we stood.

Josh pulled me in tighter to him after he got dressed and placed a kiss on top of my head.

“We’ll talk later, I promise,” he smiled and I then watched him walk away, back towards the bus. I suddenly remembered that it wasn’t going to be as simple as I had hoped. Josh was with Holly which made things a billion times more complicated. I felt like such a horrible person; we should’ve waited, we should’ve talked about things first before we went behind Holly’s back, as much as I didn’t really like her it wasn’t fair.

I wrapped Josh’s hoody around me, found a nice spot where I could see the stage and sat down in the sun, hugging my knees and smelling Josh’s hoody making me want him with me. I sat praying that everyone would work out but somehow I had a feeling, like always, that just wouldn’t happen.