Amor Vincit Omnia

Trying to explain what he meant to me,
was simply impossible.
He was more than I could've ever wished for and
he didn't even know about it.

He was the light when I was lost in the dark.
Because of him, I always found my way back
to the happy part of life when I didn't
know how to get there anymore.

But lately, he was the reason why I was in the
dark so much. I didn't want to be around him anymore
but on the other hand, I craved his company.

I was stuck with myself and my feelings.
Trying to understand them wasn't working so
I didn't know how to deal with life.

I tried to reason with the little voice inside my head,
trying to convince myself to just tell him and spit it out.
But the little voice always won, telling me that either
he or I was going to get hurt in the process.

So I kept my mouth shut.

"Hey Liz, want some more pizza?"
Zacky asked.

"Nah, I'm good, thanks."
I said, smiling at Zacky,

"But you only had half a pizza!"
he said, going for slice 8.

"I know, I'm not that hungry. Plus, you guys are
animals when it comes to eating."
I said, and laughed at Zacky fake-angry expression.

"Don't deny it, Zack. You know it's true."
I said, throwing him a napkin.
I pointed at my chin and he understood, wiping his chin
with the napkin.

"It still hurts when you say stuff like that."
he said, smiling.

"Well, too bad. You know you love me."
Standing up, I kissed his cheek and walked over to his kitchen
where Brian and Matt were standing, trying to bring everyone
beer or other drinks.

"So hey, how about I help you guys out?"
I said, shrugging and leaning against the counter.

"No, Liz. We can handle it."
Matt said, trying to hold everything in his arms and hands.
Brian was grabbing some stuff too and I silently counted
in my head from 10 to 1.

I was hardly at 5 and everything fell on the floor.
I started laughing at their expressions and shook my head.

"I love you guys but seriously. Next time, take my help okay?"
I pulled out some cloths and started wiping some liquid off the floor.
There was no way to see what it was but it smelled like beer.

"Yeah, yeah. We're big boys, Liz."
Brian said, picking up the stuff from the floor.

"Even big boys like you need help sometimes."
I said, grabbing his fedora and putting on my head.

"You're gonna need help if you don't give me back my fedora."
Brian said, standing up with his signature smirk.

"Ohh I'm scared now."
But I grabbed the fedora and put it on his head.
"It looks better on you, anyway. Sexy motherfucker."

Brian laughed and shook his head.
"Tell me something I don't know!"

Then he walked off, balancing everything in his hands.
Matt was still on the floor, also cleaning up the mess they made.

"Gates! Get your ass in here and help me clean!"
he yelled, shaking his head.

"Sometimes you guys totally forget I'm here, too."
I sat down on my knees and started picking things up from the floor.

"Of course we don't forget you're here.
It's just that you didn't make a mess of this place. Bri and I did
so you don't have to help."
Matt said, looking at me.

Insert wobbly legs here.

I stared at him for a few seconds before my head caught up with me.
"Right! Right, yeah well. I don't mind."

I continued to clean until Brian came into the kitchen.

"Hey, give me that. You don't have to clean our shit up."
Brian said, pulling me up and grabbing everything from my hands.

"God, you guys sound alike. I told Matt just now, I don't mind."
I said, trying to grab everythng back.

"But I mind. So get your cute little ass in there and
have fun with Zack and Johnny."
Brian said, pushing me towards the door and softly smacking
my ass.

"Gah, fine. By the way, if you don't want me to jump you,
don't do stuff like that, okay?"
I said, walking through the door.

"You and Haner again?"
Johnny asked, with his mouth full of pizza.

"Ah well. You know us."
I said, sitting down inbetween Johnny and Zacky.

"You guys should have sex and get it over with."
Zacky said, smirking.

"It's not like that. We just say stuff, it doesn't mean
we want anything to happen. And in case you've
forgotten, he has a girlfriend."
I said, rolling my eyes at the upteenth time that
they started this with me.

"Still."
Zacky said.

"Great comeback, Vengeance."
I replied, stretching myself out.

"Dude, I'm the master of great comebacks."
he said, while spitting some pizza out.

I started laughing and right then, Matt and Brian
came through the door with the rest of the things.

"What did you do now, Johnny?"
Brian asked, smirking.

Matt just looked at me and smiled.

"I didn't do anything. Zacky said something and pretty much
barfed up his whole pizza."
Johnny said, while taking a beer.

"I did not, it was a teeny tiny bit of pizza!"
Zacky responded and I started laughing again.

This was one of the better times with the guys.
But they were soon to be interrupted.

The doorbell rang and my eyes flew to Matt.
He stood up and walked over to the door and my mood sank
immediately.

I heard a few female voices and knew enough.
Yawning, I stood up.

"I'm gonna go now, I've haven't had alot of sleep the
past few nights so I'm gonna take a nap at home."
I said, grabbing my coat and pulling on my Vans.

"Aww, the girls are just here."
Zacky said, fake pouting.

"Like you won't have fun without me.
I'll see you guys soon."
I said, ruffling his hair.

I heard him mumble something and I smiled.

"Bye guys."
I said, waving slightly and walking out the backdoor.

Matt's new girlfriend was going to be there and they looked
annoyingly happy.
I wanted Matt to be happy, I really wanted to.
I just wouldn't be around to watch, simply because it
hurt too much to stick around.

Sitting down at the beach, I put on my sunglasses and
tried to relax.

"I thought you were going to take a nap."
I heard behind me.
Recognizing the voice, I didn't bother to turn around.

"I will. I just need to get some stuff sorted out and the beach
always calms me down."
I said, looking at Brian as he sat down.

"What stuff?"
He asked, drawing something in the sand.

"You know what stuff. Aren't you supposed to be in there?
Isn't Michelle waiting for you?"
I asked, turning my gaze to the water.

"Yeah, she's there. I felt like taking a walk."
he said, staring at the ocean as well.

"Relationship trouble?"
I asked, worried about my friend.

"Yeah, we're.. Stuck. I don't know how I feel about her
anymore. And she feels the same but you know. About me."
he responded, drawing again.

"You should just talk. You guys are awesome together,
you shouldn't let your love go to waste."
I said, resting my head on his shoulder.

"I know. We'll be okay. How about you? Are you gonna be
okay?"
he asked, his head resting on mine.

"In time, probably. Yeah. I mean, there's nothing
I can do about it."
I replied, closing my eyes and enjoying the moment.

"If you told him how you felt.."
Brian started but I shook my head.

"I can't, Bri. You were there when he told us
about her. He was glowing with pride."
I sighed.

"He was happy, yeah. But that doesn't mean a thing."
he responded.

"It means everything. I won't be the one to put an
end to his happiness by telling him how I feel."
I said, sitting up straight and standing up again.

"That's not what I meant."
Brian said, looking up.

"Then what did you mean?"
I asked, crossing my arms.

"If you tell him, you'll be happy again.
Doesn't that count for something? By just telling him,
you don't ruin his happiness, it's going to be his
choice. You can't make it for him."
Brian said, holding my face in his hands.

"But what if he doesn't want anything to do with
me anymore?"
I asked, scared of losing Matt.

"You'll never lose him, even if you wanted to.
We all love you too much."
he said, smiling and pulling me in for a hug.

"I love you too, Bri."
I said, buring my face in his neck.
"Hm."

"Hm?"
he questioned.

"You smell nice."
I said, pulling back from the hug.

"Don't I always?"
he responded, smirking.

"Not when you worked out or something.
You stink so bad after that."
I said, laughing at his face.

"You wanna come to Matt's place and tell him?"
he asked then.

"Erm.. I don't know if I have the courage yet.
Telling someone you love them is a pretty big deal.
Especially when it's Matt."
I said, sighing.

"You what?"
I heard behind me.

I turned around and my eyes went big and my mouth fell open.
"Matt."

"You what?"
he repeated, looking confused.

"I.."
I started but turned around to face Brian.

"Did you know he was there?"
I asked.

"I saw him coming but I didn't know you were gonna
say what you were saying last. I'm sorry."
he looked sincere, so I nodded.

"What am I gonna do?"
I whispered.

"You're gonna be honest. It's all you can do."
Brian said.
He kissed my head and then left Matt and me alone.

"Again. You what?"
Matt asked, his voice sounding closer to me, now.

I turned around and saw he had walked up to me.
Swallowing, I felt my body starting to shake because of
how nervous I was.

"That kinda depends on what you've heard."
I said, with a small voice, facing my feet.

"You love me?"
he asked, frowning.

"Well, yeah. I love all of you guys."
I said, hoping he would buy it.

"That's not what you meant just now."
he said, shaking his head, stepping closer.

I took a step back, not wanting to feel the tension between us.
Sighing, I faced the ocean again and just decided to follow
Brian's advice.

"I'm going to be honest. But let me finish before
you start talking, okay?"
I asked, looking at him and taking in a deep breath
when I saw him nodding.

"The past few months, I've been getting a certain
feeling when I'm around you. I didn't really know what
that was until you came home with news about a
girlfriend. I felt jealousy that night and I knew I loved
you as more than a friend. I decided not to tell
anyone because I know how everyone can talk too
much. But then Brian figured it out somehow and he
has been nagging me about telling you. I didn't really
want you to know because I see how happy you are with her
and I don't want to be the one who caused trouble between
you two. If there even will be trouble because of me. I highly
doubt it but I can't know in advance, right?"
I said, finally turning my gaze on Matt.

He had his hands in his pockets and he was staring at the
ocean, before his gaze was on me.

"I just thought you should know. Brian was right. Who'd
have thought?"
I said, smiling to myself.
"So.. Why aren't you inside with the rest?"
I asked then.

"Oh, I felt like going out and Mia left already so.."
he said, his voice dying at the end.

"Right."
I said, nodding.
"Well, I think I'm going to dig a hole and bury myself
in it now. I'll talk to you later."

I wanted to walk away but felt a pair of hands on my shoulders.

"Don't leave."
Matt said, wrapping his arms around me from behind.

"I have to. I've been shaking because I was that nervous.
I'm gonna take a long hot shower at home."
I said, closing my eyes and using all my willpower to
keep standing.

Everything in me screamed to lean
back against Matt and enjoy the moment.
But I knew that if I'd do that, it would only make it harder
to leave.

"You can take a shower at my place?"
he offered, and I shivered at his voice close to my ears.

"Matt, I don't know if that's such a good idea."
I said, gently breaking myself loose from his embrace.

A hurt look crossed his face.

"See, this is exactly why I didn't want to tell you.
I knew one of us was going to get hurt and the
hurting has already begun."
I said, kicking the sand.

"I just don't understand why you're so distant all
of a sudden."
Matt said, shrugging.

"I'm pushing you away so I can get over you, Matt."
I said, sighing and facing him.
"I can't get over you when I see you everyday."

"Well, that's fucked. Please, just please. Come with me
and we'll talk after you've had your shower."
he said, grabbing my hands in his.

"I don't know.."
I said, looking at our hands together.

"Please, Liv?"
he asked with pleading eyes.

"Gah, fine. Fine. I'll come."
I said, feeling weak.

He smiled, what made me roll my eyes.
"No fair."

"What isn't?"
he asked.

"You're showing off your dimples. You know
I am a sucker for those."
I said, as we started walking towards his house.

He laughed and I smiled, shaking my head.

When we arrived at his house, no one was there anymore.
I sighed and walked upstairs.

"Take as long as you need."
Matt said, taking off his jacket.

I nodded.
"Thanks."