Homophobe

"Ash..."

At the sound of my name, my breath immediately hitched in my throat. His dark eyes bore into mine, entrancing me entirely, denying me the ability to look away. I couldn't even blink as I felt his breath caress my skin, the inches between us daunting and growing lesser by the second, only heartbeats between us. Behind my rib cage I could feel my heart thundering against the bone, thudding in my ears, loud.

And then he kissed me. Chase Evans kissed me.

All coherent thought completely disappeared as his lips collided with mine, the palms of his hands migrating from my cheeks to the nape of my neck. I froze. Shock consumed me whole. My best friend was kissing me.

Chase Evans was kissing me.

And Jesus fucking Christ it was amazing. Leaning into the kiss, I relished in the sensation of his tongue running over my bottom lip and his freezing touch on my burning skin. The touch I'd been craving for years.

I couldn't deny my cheeks flaring up as we both fell onto the couch I'd been sitting on, our kissing becoming more eager and passionate as he drew me in even closer. When he finally pulled away for air, receiving an annoyed whine I'd never admit to, his breathing was short, eyes drowning in pure desire and racking me up and down deliciously. His hands reached and threw off his shirt, revealing the toned soccer player body underneath, and I grinned.

This didn't quell my lust at all as he leaned back down and our mouths met again in a sloppy kiss, his cold hands reaching under my shirt and causing shivers to dance down my spine. His lips moved across my jawline until I felt his tongue rub along the shell of my ear, nibbling on it softly and issuing a pleased sigh passed my lips.

When he grabbed the fabric of my shirt, I helped him almost tear it off and felt myself begin to grow as his knee rubbed against my already semi-hard dick. His mouth lowered and I involuntarily gasped as his teeth clamped down on the flesh of my neck. For a moment I tightened my grip on him, but felt a wave of pleasure as his tongue ran over the tender spot afterward.

Lower and lower his kisses migrated until he was at the waistband of my pants. I felt myself swallow hard as our eyes met. His grin widened, teetering on devilish, as he parted his lips to say something.

"Ash, darling, dinner is ready!"

I blinked. Hearing the knock on the door, I feebly tried to calm down my uneven breathing and thudding heartbeat. My eyes were met with the scenery of my room. Alone.

With a hard gulp, I stared down at my hand in my boxers and could feel my cheeks burn up to the temperature of the sun.

"Coming mom, I'll be there in a minute!" I reassured her, my voice cracking a little near the middle.

When I heard her retreating footsteps, I finally released the groan pressing against the sides my throat and slipped my hand from the waistband of my boxers. Flipping onto my stomach, I buried my head into the pillow.

Saying I was eternally fucked would be the understatement of the century.

***

In the most un-Hannah Montana way- nobody was perfect. For the most part we all had our flaws, those embarrassing little defects that tainted our journey to pure awesomeness. That was what made us humans, anyways. It was what made us, well, us.
 
I wasn't any exception to that rule and neither was my best friend Chase.
 
It wasn't really a hard question to why I always kept him around (or maybe he was keeping me around, but either way we were almost always together). Always an all around good time, the first one to crack a joke and the first to make you laugh, it made it hard to not want to be his friend.

Easy on the eyes too, if we were being honest. From an entirely objective point of view, of course.
 
People just gravitated towards him. Most of the time I was glad that we’d been close since childhood because who knew if he’d barely give me the time of day otherwise. For the most part, it didn't seem like our personalities would mesh as well as they did, but it was that sort of thing when you're a kid where none of that matters except who could build the best sandcastle.

And not to brag or anything, but I made the best fucking sandcastles ever, even the Queen wouldn't mind living inside.
 
But flaws were sort of an inevitable with the human condition and Chase, well, he had his little annoying tendencies just like the best of them. And then there was that one that wasn't really that little and a lot more than annoying. It wasn't something easily ignored, to be honest, but he was my best friend for better or for worse.

I was supposed to hold my tongue about these things, right?

“What a bunch of faggots.”
 
I forced a somewhat smile as I nodded my head, averting my eyes to the lockers beside us, restraining my irritated sigh. The halls were generally empty since we were late to class as per usual, but there were a few stragglers like us, thankfully none that had heard him. With my hands in my pockets, ambling beside Chase, I looked to who he was talking about.

It was Trent and Jack, the token gay couple at our school, and from a glance I saw them peck. To me, it was pretty adorable, but I could only imagine the thoughts that were running through Chase's mind and had been since they'd both come out as a couple weeks before. Involuntarily I felt a little flare of jealousy ignite in my stomach.

It wasn't that I was in love with either of them- I had a little someone else hovering in the back of my mind- but to be that open about it was something I knew I could never do. If only I could lean over and just...
 
“No one wants to watch a couple of flamers butt-fucking each other after lunch,” he scoffed while making a face, looking after towards me with a grin. "I feel like I'm getting herpes just be being near them."
 
I knew he wanted me to laugh and join in on the ridicule party. Laugh along with him- right? That's what friends were supposed to do.

“Hmm, yeah,” I mumbled, rather unconvincingly.
 
It wasn’t hard to tell what that one big thing was.
 
Chase eyed me for a moment, narrowed eyes suspicious, as I pushed open the door into the next hallway. For a moment it looked as if he were about to say something- and trust Chase to speak his mind- but was cut off by the booming voice of one River Bearings.
 
“Hey guys! What’s up?” The deafening words of River echoed through my ears, followed by the mop of blond hair almost crashing between and swinging an arm around both of us. “What’s the word?”
 
Sometimes I wondered if he was trying for ironic or if he just unintentionally sounded like a middle aged man trying to blend in with street youths.

No longer the victim to Chase’s stare, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. While I had full confidence in my lying skills, as I’d been fooling him for so long anyways, it still had me a little on edge whenever he gave me that unsure look. I guessed as of late, I’d been growing tired of it all, and that was dangerous enough as it was.
 
I wasn’t going to ruin all of that over some stupid feelings. It was just me. They’d go away, sooner or later, I’d find a nice girl. It was just a stupid phase. Just stupid.
 
“Nothing,” Chase replied innocently. “We’re probably just gonna chill at my house tonight, right Ash?”
 
I looked over at him, absorbing his light hair and dark eyes that I’d grown familiar with, and nodded my head. “Yeah, I’m down for that.”
 
River snickered. “Well am I invited to this circle jerk or what?”
 
Chase’s face immediately darkened, something other’s wouldn’t notice but I’d learned even the slightest shifts in his mood. He shrugged off River’s arm and coughed as if he hadn’t been expecting that, looking away. “That’s fucking gay, man.”
 
The blond apparently hadn’t picked up on his tone and continued grinning broadly, still holding tightly onto me. “It’s okay, I’ll just take Ash and we’ll have our own little party,” he said without lessening his hold on me at all and laughing carelessly at the suggestion in his words.
 
I swallowed, throwing a panicky glance at my friend. He only glared. It wasn’t as if everyone knew about his little dislike for those who played for the queer club, he’d made a few comments and earned a few stares and since then it seemed I was the only one who he ever vented to. I wasn’t sure if I was happy or not about that, really. That he could confide in me.
 
“Whatever, anyways, I’m off, I’ll be seeing you guys!” River yelled in my ear, chuckling before releasing his grip on me. A quick wave and then he vanished around the corner.
 
A sigh escaped my lips as I scratched the back of my head, feeling the tips of my ears burn and avoiding Chase’s gaze. I could almost feel his dark coffee eyes boring into my skin, gouging my reaction, and I rasberried my lips out of nervous habit.
 
“You shouldn’t let everyone take advantage of you like that.”
 
I laughed, tinged with hints of the anxiety I couldn’t suppress. “It’s just a joke,” I shakily reassured him.
 
I met his eyes and his face was completely serious, but finally his features softened and his signature smile curved on his lips. “Am I going to have to beat the shit out of the kids like when we were in third grade again?”
 
Scoffing, I crossed my arms over my chest, and sent a glare his way, but as always there was no real heart behind it. Even though I tried, he only laughed at my pathetic attempts.
 
“I can take care of myself fine, thanks,” I insisted, which came out more like a grumble.
 
“You’re still a little wuss no matter how tall you get,” he chuckled while ruffling my hair like he always did when he was teasing me, flashing me his mischievous grin.
 
I swatted his hands away blindly, grunting in disapproval and ducking my head. I hoped he couldn’t see the glowing red of my cheeks that always made an appearance whenever he did that, no matter how much I complained that I hated it, I couldn't say that I really did.
 
It was one of those things that I kept sacred to myself. Just the little things like that, normally most people would just overlook it, but it was what mostly finalized my decision to keep quiet about my stupid feelings. It’d been Chase and I since the second grade, the two of us were always together that most people just assumed we were a package deal- either the both of us or none.
 
I couldn’t imagine him not being there, and whenever I tried my stomach would knot so intricately that I'd instantly ditch the idea. It was a warning. Don’t tell, my reason would scream at me, it’ll ruin everything. And it would, I could fantasize about some perfect fairy tale ending but this was my life and like hell was I going to be trying on glass heels or pumpkin carriages anytime soon.
 
The little things were what kept me happy. Mostly because they were all I had.
 
I couldn’t say when, but one day during the course of puberty, I became intensely aware of Chase. And not in the way that I would’ve liked. We’d been in his room, sprawled out on the floor, and he’d prattle on about this girl he had is eye on. Her hair, her skin, the way her body moved and how he couldn’t keep his eyes off her, like magnets. And yet, all I could think about then was the way his golden hair would catch a ray of sun and shine, looking unbearably run-my-fingers through it smooth. Or the tan he’d gained after playing soccer in the sun for so long, visible when he’d pull off his shirt in front of me in one fluid motion, revealing what was much pleasing to the eye.
 
It wasn't like I could ignore what was pretty much screaming for my attention.
 
I knew. I could ignore it, shove it down my stomach and try to forget, but I knew. I’d watched TV. You didn’t think that way about your best friend.
 
Ignorance wasn't a bliss I was entitled to.

It wasn’t too soon long after, when I’d casually brought it up in a sense where I knew he’d never make the connection, when he revealed his true feelings, and I swallowed mine. I knew I’d rather have at least some sort of him than nothing at all.

Which is why I kept quiet, about everything. Mum was the word. My lips were sealed.
 
I had a gay crush on my homophobic best friend and he'd never, ever know.