Desperately Reaching for Something in the Dark

I groaned when the alarm went off.

A part of me was completely dreading today, but the other part of me was so excited I felt like I couldn’t contain it. Today was the day that I could finally see, for myself, how Alex acted with Charlie.

I turned and looked at the clock—9:30. I slipped out of the bed, careful not to wake up Charlie because she had trouble going back to bed when I came in the room after Alex left last night.

She told me about how ‘daddy and I played barbies for a long time, mommy!’ and ‘he made me a grilled cheese!’. I was happy with how quickly she attached to Alex, but it made me wonder how bad she’d react when I had to tell her that we’d be going back home soon and wouldn’t be around daddy all the time.

I pushed that thought to the back of my head and softly walked downstairs, making sure to not wake my parents. It was Saturday, the only day of the week where they were both off, and I wanted to let them sleep in and wake up whenever they wanted. So I began making breakfast. Pancakes were Charlie’s favorite, and after I gathered all the ingredients and stirred them together, I poured two small sized circles and two medium sized ones into a pan. I flipped the pancakes when they started bubbling on the top and when they were finished, I sat them on two plates—the smaller ones for Charlie, the bigger ones for me—and sat them on the table.

I pushed the door to my old bedroom open and gently tapped her shoulder. She stirred and turned on her side. Just like her father, I thought to myself. I let out a small chuckle before picking her up and kissing her forehead.

“Time to wake up, baby girl. I made you pancakes.”

Her eyes shot open. “Pancakes?”

I nodded. “Yep.”

She wiggled out of my grasp and ran the stairs. I followed her and when I got down to the dining room, she climbed on the chair and was already eating.

When we were finished, I grabbed both the plates and rinsed them in the sink. I heard the TV turn on and she turned it to SpongeBob Squarepants. She sang along with the theme song in her baby voice, so I grabbed my phone and videotaped her doing it. It was too precious to pass up.

--

It was currently 1:30 and I was putting a change of clothes in the bag I was taking to Alex’s for our daughter. It was a bright, sunny Baltimore summer day, so I figured she’d wanna go outside and play—maybe ask us to take her to the park.

My phone vibrated from the bedside table. It was from Alex.

Alex: Hey, I hope you don’t mind, but Rachel doesn’t have anywhere to go. Would it be alright if she tagged along?

I sighed. Did I want to meet his new girlfriend? Sure. Did I want to please him so he didn’t hate me? Yes. Did I want his new girlfriend around our daughter? Not exactly.

Aria: I thought today was gonna be about you, me and Charlie.

Alex: You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ll have her find something to do. Still coming?

I nodded even though he couldn’t see me. Bad habit of mine.

Aria: Yeah, I’ll call when your meeting’s over.

I tossed my phone on the bed and walked to the small closet, searching for something to wear today because I was still in my pajamas and we were leaving in a half hour. It was Summertime, but a little chilly out, so I grabbed a pair of jeans, a sweatshirt, white undershirt and quickly changed into them, tossing my pajamas into the dirty laundry hamper downstairs by the washer and dryer.

I met my parents in the living room, sitting down on the couch and grabbing Charlie, bringing her to sit on my lap. I bounced her up and down on my knee, causing her to laugh.

“So, you’re spending the day with Alex, right?” My mother asked.

Charlie interjected with a: “Daddy!”

I kissed her cheek. “Yes, daddy,” I laughed, “but yeah, we are.” I grabbed my phone from my pocket and looked at the time—2 o’clock on the dot. “Hold her, I’m gonna go call him.”

I walked into the kitchen, dialing his number, bringing it up to my ear and waiting for him to answer. After three rings, he picked up.

“Hey,” he said.

“Is your meeting over?” I asked, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge and taking a drink.

“Yeah, I just got in my car and I’m driving over to my house. Meet me there?”

“Alright, sounds good. I’ll see you in about 10 minutes?”

“Yeah.” He agreed. “We’ll go to the park or something.”

“She’ll love that,” I chuckled, glancing over at her as she made a funny face at something my mom said.

I hung up the phone after saying bye, and picked up the bag, calling Charlie over and walking to the door. “Come on, babe! We gotta go see daddy!”

I buckled her into the car seat and got in the driver’s seat, putting the key in the ignition and starting it. As I drove, I watched Charlie from the rear-view mirror dancing to ‘Mean’ by Taylor Swift as it played through the speakers.

I took the familiar turn on the road Alex and Rian lived on, and pulled into their driveway behind his black Audi. He was leaning on the side of it, looking down at his phone as I pulled Charlie out, allowing her to run over to him.

She tugged on his pants, making him turn his attention from his phone to our daughter. His face lit up when he saw her down there, and bent down to pick her up. I grabbed the bag from the floorboard and went over to where they were.

“How’s my little girl doing today?”

“Good!” He smiled. “Can we go to the park now?!”
W
We both laughed, looking over at each other. He smiled at me, and I sent one back. It was nice being civil with Alex, since I thought he’d hate me once I told him. But it was the opposite. We seemed to just… fall back to the way we were before we started dating.

“Do you care if we go now?”

I shrugged. “If you want to.”

We got back in my car and Alex gave directions to the nearest park. I parked and grabbed her bag while Alex got Charlie out of her car seat and she stood between the two of us, holding one of our hands each and walking over towards the swings.

Alex and I took turns pushing her on the swing, her laughter filling the empty park. She kept on yelling ‘I wanna go higher!’ and ‘Push harder, mommy!’ because I was always afraid she’d fall out. It was a pain whenever she got hurt—she always busted into hysterics, crying loudly, sobbing uncontrollably and screaming.

“So,” Alex said, pushing her once again, “how’s your life back in California?”

“It’s good. My roommate watches Charlie for me when I have to go to the daycare.”

“You work at a daycare?”

I laughed. “I own it.”

--

We stayed at the park about two hours longer, letting Charlie play and run around, not caring if she got dirty or not since I remembered to bring a change of clothes. Alex and I were sitting on a bench while she tried climbing up a slide.

I sighed. If only we could stay this way forever.

His phone started going off, breaking the silence that we were currently locked in, and causing me to jump.

“Hello?” He asked into the phone. “Hey, y—yeah, I’m at the park with a friend.” He brought his hand up to scratch his neck. “Yes, Rachel, I’ll be home soon.” He sighed. “I know. Okay, yeah, love you, too. Bye.”

My heart sunk a little when he said he loved her. Even though we haven’t been together for 3 years, that doesn’t mean that we weren’t in love when I made the decision to leave.

“What’s up?” I asked him.

He sighed. “Is it awkward to talk about my girlfriend with my ex?” He awkwardly laughed.

“I—I guess it’ll be weird, but if you need someone to talk to, I’ll be here. Okay?” He nodded. “Anyway, it’s time for us to leave. It’s almost 5 and we haven’t had dinner yet.”

He nodded again. “Rachel wants me home, claiming ‘I haven’t spent enough time with her’ even though I went on that trip to Pittsburgh with her like, three days ago.”

“Girlfriends,” I playfully scoffed, “so clingy, right?”

He laughed. “You weren’t.”