Desperately Reaching for Something in the Dark

Let’s just say the rest of the dinner was awkward and tension-filled to say the least. Every once in a while, Jack or someone else would try and bring up a topic to discuss, but that was quickly shot down when no one else tried to add anything. The only time someone said something was when our waitress came and asked us how our food was or if we needed refills on our drinks.

Once everyone finished and our plates were taken away and we were given the bill, everyone split the bill up—Rian and Cass together, Zack and Emily, Matt and Vinny paid for their part separately, and I was about to pull out a $20 when Alex stopped me, saying “I got it” and paying for my meal along with his and Rachel’s.

That earned me a glare from said girl. I’m pretty sure she pieced everything together and realized that my daughter was Alex’s as well… or else there would be no reason for her to look at me that way.

I was the last one to leave the restaurant, and when I walked through the big, wooden doors, I heard arguing.

“Why didn’t you tell me you have a fucking baby, Alex?! A child?!” I cringed at the tone of her voice. She was pissed. Beyond pissed actually, she seemed livid.

I didn’t want to hear their talking so I quickly got in my car and drove away as fast as I could.


I knew that as soon as we exited the restaurant that Rachel was going to flip. She was obviously bottling everything up during the rest of the dinner and to be honest… I was terrified of what she’d say.

We said our goodbyes to everyone else and headed over to my car.

“Why didn’t you tell me you have a fucking baby, Alex?!” A child?!” She yelled.

I gulped. “B—because, well, I—I uh, I just found out?”

“How’d you just find out?”

“She kept her a secret.” I said, not wanting to tell her who the mother of my child was. Even though I’m pretty sure she figured it out on her own after I bought Aria’s dinner and that we were talking about Charlie in the first place.

“You can say it was Aria, Alex, I know her kid is yours.” She said through gritted teeth. “I’m not stupid.”

“Nobody said you were.” I muttered, looking around the parking lot. I was looking at anything because I didn’t want to look at Rach’s eyes.

“Look at me, Alex.” I swallowed and turned my gaze to meet hers. Her expression was softer than it was when we walked out here. “W—why didn’t she tell you? I mean, that’s kinda selfish, don’t you think? I mean, you have a kid and she kept that from you!”

I ran a hand through my hair. “I’ve known Aria for years, Rach, and she told me why she kept it from me and I understand why.”

“Who cares about how long you’ve known her, Alex.” She continued, “Honestly, it was a pretty low decision on her part. I don’t like her.”

“Rach…”

“I mean, I know you dated, obviously, why else would you have a baby? Unless it was a one-night stand type of deal, but I doubt that was the reason.” She rambled. “What happened? She found out she was pregnant and left you?!” I nodded. “That’s horrible, Alex! Why aren’t you pissed at her?”

I looked around the parking lot once more to see if she was anywhere around. I didn’t want her hearing this conversation. “I was pretty pissed at first, yeah, but I can’t be mad at her.”

“If I were you, I’d be pissed!”

“Yeah?” I questioned, taking a step forward. “Well, you’re not me and you know nothing about how I feel about Aria, so don’t say you don’t like her because before you found out I had a kid you seemed to like her!”

“At least now I know she’s a liar and a bitch.”

“You know what? That’s it, me and you,” I motioned to the space between us, “we’re done. Get your shit out of my house and just… leave.”

I saw tears well up in her eyes, but I didn’t care anymore. “But I have nowhere else to go!”

“I don’t care.” I replied.

“Can you at least drive me ho—to your house so I can get my things?” She asked. I nodded.

The drive to Rian and my house was very, very awkward. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. When we got to our house, she got out of my car before I shut the engine off and went inside.

I stayed in my car for a minute, just thinking and taking everything in. I knew that whenever Rachel found out she’d be angry, but I didn’t think she’d take it that far. She didn’t even know Aria on a personal level and had no right to say that about her, right? Yeah, I thought to myself, assuring myself that what I was doing was the right decision.

What felt like hours later, when in reality it was only about an hour, Rachel came downstairs with two suitcases and a bag. Her mascara ran down her face and her eyes and cheeks were blotchy. She’d obviously been crying the whole time.

“Just tell me one thing,” she said as she turned to face me after she passed where I was standing in the living room, “when we were in the parking lot you said ‘how I feel about her’… how exactly do you feel about Aria?”

“To be honest, I don’t exactly know right now,” I told her, “but I loved her when we were together 3 years ago and there I’ll always have some type of feelings towards her because of that. These types of feelings just don’t dissipate, you know? They’re always there.”

She nodded. “I get it. But, Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“I hope everything works out for you. Even if you and Aria don’t get back together, I hope you find someone that’s really good for you.”

“Thank you.” I smiled at her and she sent me one back before walking through the front door, shutting it behind her.

I went into the kitchen and popped open a beer and sat down on the couch. I didn’t bother turning on the TV because I knew I wouldn’t pay attention to whatever was playing, so I just stared at the beige wall behind the television.

I took a swig from the bottle and sat deeper into the soft cushions of the couch. I kept taking small drinks until the bottle was empty and I placed it on the edge of the coffee table, propping my feet up on it and sighing to myself.

Just then, the front door opened and Rian and Cass walked in, their smiles evident and their laughter filling the room. Once they saw me and my expression, they stopped laughing and came to sit on each side of me.

“What’s up, bro?” Rian asked as he sat down.

I shook my head. “Nothing.”

“Something is obviously wrong, Alex,” Cassadee chimed in, “we’re your friends, just tell us and we can try to help you out.”

“Rachel and I broke up.” Their audible gasps caused me to scoff. “I don’t need your help, either. It was just a break-up.”

“We can sense something deeper, but we won’t push it. Just… find someone you can talk to, okay? Don’t hold all these emotions in.” Cass said, patting my shoulder before her and Rian stood up, going up the stairs, leaving me all alone to drown in my thoughts.

--


When I got home, my parents informed me that they had already put Charlie to bed and I thanked them before going to our bedroom and quietly grabbing a pair of pajama shorts and an old t-shirt of Alex’s that I’ve had since we dated, which is still too big for me, and went into the bathroom to change.

After I put on the t-shirt I heard my phone go off from the side table by the bed. Luckily, Charlie was a heavy sleeper just like me so she didn’t even move when my phone began ringing.

I ran over to the table and picked it up; furrowing my eyebrows when I saw it was Alex calling me.

“Hello?” I asked as I went back into the bathroom, shutting the door and sitting on the edge of the bathtub.

“Hey, I uh—I don’t know if you heard Rachel’s and my conversation in the parking lot…” He trailed off and I waited to see if he was going to continue before I spoke but he didn’t.

“I didn’t stay.”

“Oh, okay.” There was an audible sigh from him and I wondered what was going on.

“Alex, what’s going on? Did something happen?”

“Yeah,” I could hear the scratching sound that indicated that he was nodding, “I uh, I broke up with Rachel tonight.”

I was so shocked I almost dropped my phone and fell back into the tub. I was speechless. It made me wonder what they talked about to make him dump her.

“Aria? You still there?”

“Y—yeah, I’m here.” I took in a deep breath. “Why’d you break up? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Is it awkward to talk about these kinds of things with your ex?” He nervously laughed. I could picture him running a hand through his hair. “She just said some things that pissed me off, that’s all.”

“You sure?”

“Definitely. I just have one question for you.”

“Go ahead.”

“Is there… I don’t know, any way I could come to your parents house and stay there? I just—Rian and Cassadee are worried and bugging me about why I broke up with her and I just don’t wanna be here right now.” He said. “I could always go to my parent’s house but I don’t wanna explain it to them, they really liked her.”

I gulped. “I’m sure my parent’s won’t care. Go ahead and come over.”

“Thank you so much, Ar. I really owe you for this.”

After telling my mom and dad that Alex was coming over to stay the night because of personal problems, they went to sleep. 10 minutes after that, I heard the sound of a car door shutting, so I went over to the front door and opened it before he could knock.

When he saw me, he sent me a small smile and walked inside. “Thanks for this.”

“It’s not a problem, really.”

“So…” He turned to face me. “Where do I sleep?”

I laughed and lead him to the guest bedroom that was right next to where Charlie and I slept. Once he tossed the bag he brought with him onto the bed, he walked over to me and pulled me into his chest, putting his arms around my waist as I did the same to him.

We stayed in that position for a few minutes before he pulled away. The warmness I had received from his body was now gone in an instant.

“Goodnight, Alex.”

“Night, Ar.”

Needless to say, even though he was in the room next to me, that night, I had the best sleep I’ve had since I came to Baltimore.