Buttercup
Are You Smoking A Joint?
I leaned against the wall of the venue as the opening band pounded away inside the walls. The air outside was fresh and smelled like night. I could hear cars rushing by and the city lights pushed through my closed eyelids. I sighed loudly and ran my hands over my face. I opened my eyes to see Craig walking towards me.
“Hey man, you doing alright?” He asked.
I laughed in his direction, not to be an asshole. But I just laughed. I laughed because everything was falling down around me and no, I wasn’t fucking alright. But Craig was one of my best friends and he was checking up on me, like he always does.
I nodded. “Yeah I think I’ll be alright.”
As I brought my cigarette up to my mouth, Craig was quick to pluck it from between my fingers. He threw it on the ground and crushed it with the heel of his shoe. “Thought you were going to quit smoking, dude.”
“I thought you were going to quit acting like my big brother.” I snapped.
Craig laughed at me. “You know, Matt. It’s no wonder you and Emily didn’t work out. Whenever you’re having a shit time, you treat everyone else like they’re a bunch of assholes.”
“And she treated me so well.”
“I didn’t say that, Matt.” He paused. “But seriously, you need to learn how to treat people. I’m getting really sick of being your punching bag when you get pissed.”
I didn’t say anything. I just reached into my pocket for another cigarette and lit it. Craig made a sound of disgust and walked away from me, kicking rocks into the street. I inhaled on the cigarette and blew out a long stream of smoke, but it wasn’t making me feel any better. It never did.
My entire body was tense. I was so fucking angry that I wanted to just hit everything. I wanted to beat the living fuck out of something. I bit down on the filter of my cigarette and closed my eyes again. I didn’t want to deal with feeling like shit anymore.
I jumped as I heard a pair of feet scuffing on the sidewalk. I opened my eyes to see a girl coming towards me. A small one. With a tiny waist and a big chest. She had skinny arms, covered in tattoos. She walked up to me and smiled at me. I could see the goose bumps forming on her skin, courtesy of the light above us. And the X’s on her hands, courtesy of the venue bouncers.
“You got a lighter?”
That’s what came out of her mouth. What I heard was “Are you alright?”
I nodded. “Yep.”
She stood there for a few seconds and I wanted to snap at her. To tell her to get the fuck away from me.
“Can I use it?” She asked, pulling a joint from behind her ear.
“Oh.” I said, reaching into my pocket. “Did you ask me for a lighter?”
She nodded, smirking as she took the lighter from between my fingers. “What’d you think I asked you?”
“I don’t know.”
I dropped my butt on the ground and stomped on it.
“Then why did you answer me?”
I looked down at her. She was a good three or four inches shorter than me. “I thought you asked if I was playing tonight.” I paused. “Are you smoking a joint?”
She nodded, holding in her smoke and then letting it go. “Want some?”
I shook my head. “I’m cool.”
She took in another drag and held onto it, then let it flow out of her nose. “It’s fucking gorgeous out here tonight.”
She smiled, blowing smoke from her nose. She had a bleach blonde Mohawk, spiked up messily. She had dark green eyes that were huge and alluring, full eyelashes surrounding them. She had on a lot of make-up, but just eye make-up. When she smiled, you could see her two straight rows of bleached white teeth. And she had a septum ring hanging from her nose. I couldn’t tell if she was a fan that wasn’t overly excited to meet me, or if she just didn’t know who the fuck I was.
I turned to walk away from her without saying another word.
“Hey!” She yelled after me.
I turned around. “Yeah?”
“You gonna pick up those butts or you just gonna leave them there?” She asked.
I stammered, reaching down to pick them up. “Uh…”
“I wouldn’t mind if you left them there any other night. But it’s my night on butt duty.” She paused. “And we’re out of gloves.”
“You work here?”
She nodded, blowing out more smoke and putting her cigarette out on the sole of her shoe. “Yeah.”
“Don’t you have to be 21?”
She shrugged. “Probably. My boyfriend owns the place.”
“That’s gotta be nice.”
“It would be if I could break up with him without losing my job.” She laughed.
That same laugh that I’d laughed when Craig asked me when I was alright. The same laugh that Craig had when I’d snapped at him.
That laugh when it’s not really funny, but it’s so fucked up and so wrong that you’re forced to find some humor in it. That hopeless laugh that really hurts.
“Hey man, you doing alright?” He asked.
I laughed in his direction, not to be an asshole. But I just laughed. I laughed because everything was falling down around me and no, I wasn’t fucking alright. But Craig was one of my best friends and he was checking up on me, like he always does.
I nodded. “Yeah I think I’ll be alright.”
As I brought my cigarette up to my mouth, Craig was quick to pluck it from between my fingers. He threw it on the ground and crushed it with the heel of his shoe. “Thought you were going to quit smoking, dude.”
“I thought you were going to quit acting like my big brother.” I snapped.
Craig laughed at me. “You know, Matt. It’s no wonder you and Emily didn’t work out. Whenever you’re having a shit time, you treat everyone else like they’re a bunch of assholes.”
“And she treated me so well.”
“I didn’t say that, Matt.” He paused. “But seriously, you need to learn how to treat people. I’m getting really sick of being your punching bag when you get pissed.”
I didn’t say anything. I just reached into my pocket for another cigarette and lit it. Craig made a sound of disgust and walked away from me, kicking rocks into the street. I inhaled on the cigarette and blew out a long stream of smoke, but it wasn’t making me feel any better. It never did.
My entire body was tense. I was so fucking angry that I wanted to just hit everything. I wanted to beat the living fuck out of something. I bit down on the filter of my cigarette and closed my eyes again. I didn’t want to deal with feeling like shit anymore.
I jumped as I heard a pair of feet scuffing on the sidewalk. I opened my eyes to see a girl coming towards me. A small one. With a tiny waist and a big chest. She had skinny arms, covered in tattoos. She walked up to me and smiled at me. I could see the goose bumps forming on her skin, courtesy of the light above us. And the X’s on her hands, courtesy of the venue bouncers.
“You got a lighter?”
That’s what came out of her mouth. What I heard was “Are you alright?”
I nodded. “Yep.”
She stood there for a few seconds and I wanted to snap at her. To tell her to get the fuck away from me.
“Can I use it?” She asked, pulling a joint from behind her ear.
“Oh.” I said, reaching into my pocket. “Did you ask me for a lighter?”
She nodded, smirking as she took the lighter from between my fingers. “What’d you think I asked you?”
“I don’t know.”
I dropped my butt on the ground and stomped on it.
“Then why did you answer me?”
I looked down at her. She was a good three or four inches shorter than me. “I thought you asked if I was playing tonight.” I paused. “Are you smoking a joint?”
She nodded, holding in her smoke and then letting it go. “Want some?”
I shook my head. “I’m cool.”
She took in another drag and held onto it, then let it flow out of her nose. “It’s fucking gorgeous out here tonight.”
She smiled, blowing smoke from her nose. She had a bleach blonde Mohawk, spiked up messily. She had dark green eyes that were huge and alluring, full eyelashes surrounding them. She had on a lot of make-up, but just eye make-up. When she smiled, you could see her two straight rows of bleached white teeth. And she had a septum ring hanging from her nose. I couldn’t tell if she was a fan that wasn’t overly excited to meet me, or if she just didn’t know who the fuck I was.
I turned to walk away from her without saying another word.
“Hey!” She yelled after me.
I turned around. “Yeah?”
“You gonna pick up those butts or you just gonna leave them there?” She asked.
I stammered, reaching down to pick them up. “Uh…”
“I wouldn’t mind if you left them there any other night. But it’s my night on butt duty.” She paused. “And we’re out of gloves.”
“You work here?”
She nodded, blowing out more smoke and putting her cigarette out on the sole of her shoe. “Yeah.”
“Don’t you have to be 21?”
She shrugged. “Probably. My boyfriend owns the place.”
“That’s gotta be nice.”
“It would be if I could break up with him without losing my job.” She laughed.
That same laugh that I’d laughed when Craig asked me when I was alright. The same laugh that Craig had when I’d snapped at him.
That laugh when it’s not really funny, but it’s so fucked up and so wrong that you’re forced to find some humor in it. That hopeless laugh that really hurts.
♠ ♠ ♠
I love Matt Good and girls with mohawks. And I had an idea in the middle of the night.