Status: In progress. Updates when I get the chance.
Cross My Heart
I Will Run To You
Josh’s sisters were staying in the city for a few more days after Josh was found. I was surprised by the way he completely changed around them. He was still crazy Josh, but unlike with our friends he wasn’t constantly talking.
Also when we were with our friends Josh was almost always holding my hand or touching me in some way – not around his sisters. I think he was slightly intimidated by them.
The more I got to know them, the more I realized how them and Josh were related. They were like four copies of the same person with different features.
I mean, obviously there were some differences between each Ramsay – i.e. Josh’s hate for babies vs. his sisters not wanting to wait to be moms.
They were all nuts and I loved them. And they seemed to love me to. They pretty much accepted me as part of the Ramsay clan. I was waiting for one of them to corner me and ask me a bunch of embarrassing questions about me and Josh. I suspected Shawn, seeing as she was the oldest. So obviously, I tried to avoid being alone in a room with her.
Of course that was damn near impossible. It left me a lot of times making some random excuse to go home. Adam wasn’t even most of the time over those three days.
One day, Josh and I were over at my house. Just hanging out in my room listening to a new CD I had bought with my employee discount.
“So what do you think of them?” Josh asked, spinning in my epicly awesome spinny office chair I had placed in my room specifically for spinny and getting so dizzy I fell down. I sat cross legged in the middle of my bed, twirling the CD case around.
“I love them.” I said. “They’re like copies of you with bigger chests.” I laughed to myself; Josh raised an eye brow at me.
“They are nothing like me.” He said flatly. “I mean, I love them and all but they’re all mush and…girlish. They always ask me questions like ‘if I have a giiiiiiiiirlfriend’ and if I do ‘is she cuuuute!?’” Josh mimicked.
“Nice choice in words.” I said just as flatly, sad that Josh couldn’t see how lucky he was to have sisters that cared. I missed My Josh. My older brother Josh. Joshua Lionel Hansen. That little boy who slapped a kid silly for walking me home one day.
“Did I say something?” Josh asked, placing his foot on the ground to stop his spinning. “You look upset.” He sat down next to me on the bed.
“Josh you don’t know how lucky you are…” I felt a tear slip from one eye, Josh whipped it away. “You have a mom and dad. Three sisters…They all love you so much Josh.” I let my head hang down.
“Phoenix you have people who love you.” Josh said, cupping my chin in his hand and forcing me to look at him, he held his other up. “I love you. Adam loves you. Lisa loves you.” Josh ticked off three fingers. “Shaun loves you even if she doesn’t act like it.” Another finger. “Even Matt loves you.”
“Matt always acts all awkward around me. Like he doesn’t want to offend me or something…”
“Matt is just a major awkward turtle. He’s never comfortable.” Josh held up his hand, all five fingers held down in a fist. “Right there, five people who love you. More, I should count for five because I’m awesome.” Josh laughed at his own egocentric joke. I couldn’t help but join him. “You laughed I win.” Josh said, capturing my mouth in a kiss before I could protest.
“You do not win.” I said, pushing Josh back. “Answer one more question and you are free to kiss me as you please.”
Josh gave me a look. A look that said he was going to agree but wasn’t going to be happy about it. “Fine. Shoot.” He leaned against my head board and crossed his arms.
“Why won’t you touch me around your sisters?” I asked. Josh raised an eye brow. “I mean like, hold my hand. Or do that cute thing you do when you run up behind me and hug my waist…”
“Because my sisters think I’m a baby. They say I’m too young to be in love. I don’t want to get another lecture about it, so I stay away from you when they’re around…which reminds me, I haven’t kissed you as I wish in four long days.” Josh said, dragging out the last words.
“Muffin.” I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
Josh pouted, giving me to puppy dog eyes. I rolled my eyes and crawled over to him. I straddled his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck, sealing our conversation with a kiss.
“I missed you.” Josh whispered when I pulled away for air. He started kissing down my neck and to my shoulder.
“How can you miss me if I was right there the whole time?” I asked.
“I couldn’t hold you.” Josh spoke like it was the simplest thing in the world. Josh wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed his forehead against mine. “I feel like I’m addicted to you.” Josh said, playing with the hem of my Blink182 shirt. “Four days without your touch and it feels like I’ve been denied a shot of heroin or something.”
The way he added the ‘or something’ gave me the chills. Like it couldn’t just be left at the drug reference. “I’m so scared of losing you baby.” Josh whispered. “I’d be so lost…”
“You got by without me before.” I said, feeling scared. It was a very real possibility that I would be taken out of this home when Lisa passed away. If Adam continued drinking, I might be gone even before then. People from the adoption agency still stopped by every once and a while to see how I was doing.
“Before I didn’t know what it was like to have someone to love.” Josh spoke softly. “Now that I know I don’t want to let it go…Think of it like…like…like how you couldn’t live without Green Day. You did once, a long time ago. But now that you have them you can’t let them go that easily.”
I guess I understood Josh’s point. I nodded. “Josh…you need to know that once Lisa…d-dies…there’s a 90% chance they’ll take me.” I choked. I felt hot tears sliding down my face.
Josh didn’t say a word. He just continued fiddling with the hem of my shirt, staring into my eyes. Soon I couldn’t take it, I looked down. I couldn’t look into his eyes and see the sorrow he was hiding. He didn’t want to cry in front of me.
“I’d follow you.” He whispered.
“Huh?” I had become lost in a trance watching Josh’s fingers twist the black fabric of my shirt.
“If you left. I’d follow you. I’ll follow you across the world until I can’t stand on my own.” (“I will run to you till I can’t stand on my own anymore”)
“Josh you can’t just do that!” I sat back on his legs. “You have to stay with your family even if I do leave. Your only 17.”
“I never said I was smart, just in love with you, Phoenix.” Josh said, kissing me again.
“Wait, what about Ramsay’s Fiction?” I pushed Josh back again.
“What about it?”
“If you left, what would happen? You’d give up on your dreams.”
“My dreams all involve you.” Josh stopped playing with my shirt and slipped his hand under it, gliding it up my stomach as he kissed me again.
“Josh I’m serious. You can’t just follow me.” I pushed him back again. He still kept one hand under my shirt, the other rested on my thigh.
“Sure I can.” He protested, this time not leaning in for another kiss.
“Josh, Vancouver is your home. It’s where you belong. Where you’re going to be who you’re supposed to be.” I reached up and rested a hand on his face. “Baby this is where you’re gonna make it big.” Josh sighed and kissed me again. This time I didn’t break away.
Soon enough our clothes were on the floor. After the deed was done I lay in Josh’s arms with my eyes closed.“Please don’t ever leave me Phoenix.” Josh whispered.
“I’ll try.”
Also when we were with our friends Josh was almost always holding my hand or touching me in some way – not around his sisters. I think he was slightly intimidated by them.
The more I got to know them, the more I realized how them and Josh were related. They were like four copies of the same person with different features.
I mean, obviously there were some differences between each Ramsay – i.e. Josh’s hate for babies vs. his sisters not wanting to wait to be moms.
They were all nuts and I loved them. And they seemed to love me to. They pretty much accepted me as part of the Ramsay clan. I was waiting for one of them to corner me and ask me a bunch of embarrassing questions about me and Josh. I suspected Shawn, seeing as she was the oldest. So obviously, I tried to avoid being alone in a room with her.
Of course that was damn near impossible. It left me a lot of times making some random excuse to go home. Adam wasn’t even most of the time over those three days.
One day, Josh and I were over at my house. Just hanging out in my room listening to a new CD I had bought with my employee discount.
“So what do you think of them?” Josh asked, spinning in my epicly awesome spinny office chair I had placed in my room specifically for spinny and getting so dizzy I fell down. I sat cross legged in the middle of my bed, twirling the CD case around.
“I love them.” I said. “They’re like copies of you with bigger chests.” I laughed to myself; Josh raised an eye brow at me.
“They are nothing like me.” He said flatly. “I mean, I love them and all but they’re all mush and…girlish. They always ask me questions like ‘if I have a giiiiiiiiirlfriend’ and if I do ‘is she cuuuute!?’” Josh mimicked.
“Nice choice in words.” I said just as flatly, sad that Josh couldn’t see how lucky he was to have sisters that cared. I missed My Josh. My older brother Josh. Joshua Lionel Hansen. That little boy who slapped a kid silly for walking me home one day.
“Did I say something?” Josh asked, placing his foot on the ground to stop his spinning. “You look upset.” He sat down next to me on the bed.
“Josh you don’t know how lucky you are…” I felt a tear slip from one eye, Josh whipped it away. “You have a mom and dad. Three sisters…They all love you so much Josh.” I let my head hang down.
“Phoenix you have people who love you.” Josh said, cupping my chin in his hand and forcing me to look at him, he held his other up. “I love you. Adam loves you. Lisa loves you.” Josh ticked off three fingers. “Shaun loves you even if she doesn’t act like it.” Another finger. “Even Matt loves you.”
“Matt always acts all awkward around me. Like he doesn’t want to offend me or something…”
“Matt is just a major awkward turtle. He’s never comfortable.” Josh held up his hand, all five fingers held down in a fist. “Right there, five people who love you. More, I should count for five because I’m awesome.” Josh laughed at his own egocentric joke. I couldn’t help but join him. “You laughed I win.” Josh said, capturing my mouth in a kiss before I could protest.
“You do not win.” I said, pushing Josh back. “Answer one more question and you are free to kiss me as you please.”
Josh gave me a look. A look that said he was going to agree but wasn’t going to be happy about it. “Fine. Shoot.” He leaned against my head board and crossed his arms.
“Why won’t you touch me around your sisters?” I asked. Josh raised an eye brow. “I mean like, hold my hand. Or do that cute thing you do when you run up behind me and hug my waist…”
“Because my sisters think I’m a baby. They say I’m too young to be in love. I don’t want to get another lecture about it, so I stay away from you when they’re around…which reminds me, I haven’t kissed you as I wish in four long days.” Josh said, dragging out the last words.
“Muffin.” I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
Josh pouted, giving me to puppy dog eyes. I rolled my eyes and crawled over to him. I straddled his lap and wrapped my arms around his neck, sealing our conversation with a kiss.
“I missed you.” Josh whispered when I pulled away for air. He started kissing down my neck and to my shoulder.
“How can you miss me if I was right there the whole time?” I asked.
“I couldn’t hold you.” Josh spoke like it was the simplest thing in the world. Josh wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed his forehead against mine. “I feel like I’m addicted to you.” Josh said, playing with the hem of my Blink182 shirt. “Four days without your touch and it feels like I’ve been denied a shot of heroin or something.”
The way he added the ‘or something’ gave me the chills. Like it couldn’t just be left at the drug reference. “I’m so scared of losing you baby.” Josh whispered. “I’d be so lost…”
“You got by without me before.” I said, feeling scared. It was a very real possibility that I would be taken out of this home when Lisa passed away. If Adam continued drinking, I might be gone even before then. People from the adoption agency still stopped by every once and a while to see how I was doing.
“Before I didn’t know what it was like to have someone to love.” Josh spoke softly. “Now that I know I don’t want to let it go…Think of it like…like…like how you couldn’t live without Green Day. You did once, a long time ago. But now that you have them you can’t let them go that easily.”
I guess I understood Josh’s point. I nodded. “Josh…you need to know that once Lisa…d-dies…there’s a 90% chance they’ll take me.” I choked. I felt hot tears sliding down my face.
Josh didn’t say a word. He just continued fiddling with the hem of my shirt, staring into my eyes. Soon I couldn’t take it, I looked down. I couldn’t look into his eyes and see the sorrow he was hiding. He didn’t want to cry in front of me.
“I’d follow you.” He whispered.
“Huh?” I had become lost in a trance watching Josh’s fingers twist the black fabric of my shirt.
“If you left. I’d follow you. I’ll follow you across the world until I can’t stand on my own.” (“I will run to you till I can’t stand on my own anymore”)
“Josh you can’t just do that!” I sat back on his legs. “You have to stay with your family even if I do leave. Your only 17.”
“I never said I was smart, just in love with you, Phoenix.” Josh said, kissing me again.
“Wait, what about Ramsay’s Fiction?” I pushed Josh back again.
“What about it?”
“If you left, what would happen? You’d give up on your dreams.”
“My dreams all involve you.” Josh stopped playing with my shirt and slipped his hand under it, gliding it up my stomach as he kissed me again.
“Josh I’m serious. You can’t just follow me.” I pushed him back again. He still kept one hand under my shirt, the other rested on my thigh.
“Sure I can.” He protested, this time not leaning in for another kiss.
“Josh, Vancouver is your home. It’s where you belong. Where you’re going to be who you’re supposed to be.” I reached up and rested a hand on his face. “Baby this is where you’re gonna make it big.” Josh sighed and kissed me again. This time I didn’t break away.
Soon enough our clothes were on the floor. After the deed was done I lay in Josh’s arms with my eyes closed.“Please don’t ever leave me Phoenix.” Josh whispered.
“I’ll try.”
♠ ♠ ♠
Cross My Heart