Cross My Heart

Josh stared back at me. His expression the same perfect shock as mine. He looked kind of different than the glossy CD programmes. His hair was fluffy from sleep and a faded green not the deep blue I had imagined. He wore a faded AC/DC shirt and grey sweat pants. His bright red converse stood out incredibly.
“H-hi Josh.” I broke the silence, cradling my CDs and pop in my arms. “L-long t-time no talk-k.”
“No kidding.” He stared at me “You look really different.” I noticed a glint of silver on his tongue.
“So do you…” We stared at each other in silence for a minute. “Well um…it was really nice seeing you Josh.” I said and attempted to walk around him. WTF JO-…PHOENIX!? THAT’S JOSH THERE AND YOUR WALKING AWAY!? My mind screamed at me.
“Phoenix.” Josh grabbed my arm. “Um…I’m off to Toronto right now but uh…call me.” He took a sharpie from his sweat pants pocket and wrote a number on my arm. “Maybe we could get some coffee or something when I get back.”
“Ya. Maybe.” I shoved my way out of the store.
*
Did Josh want to get back together with me? But why? I was nothing like I was in high school. Back then I had bright red hair, making my emerald green eyes stand out behind the glasses that seemed to complete my face. My skin was as if it glowed with how happy I was living in Vancouver. I was that perfect not-skinny-not-fat kind of curvy. And yeah, I was a comfortable C cup.
I was also clean. I was sober. I thought things through and wanted my life to go well.
Now? My hair was flat black with a choppy hair cut Trish had given me six months ago before I moved. It was already so long it nearly hid my eyes. I had lost my glasses long ago, but I didn’t really need them anymore. I sort of grew out of the half-blindness. I still had a lot of troubles with sight, but I could see well enough to get me through the day. My skin was sunk in and I was so skinny my bones poked out. I had shrunk down to a small B.
And of course, I was high and possibly drunk 75% of the time. In my defense it was Josh’s fault.
And then what about Amanda? What if Josh did want to get back together…he’s with Amanda. Or at least was in 2009. (Author: I’m writing this in the tense of about the summer or right before the summer before Ever After was released. Simply because that’s when I had the idea and it works around a song on the album ;) look forward to that) I didn’t want to deal with her jealousy again. And I wasn’t about to steal Josh from her.
But what if he just wanted to catch up? Be friends, see where I’d been. I could understand that. He did say I was his first love and probably has a lot of questions.
Yeah, that was probably it. Josh wouldn’t still be interested in me. The world was his oyster now.
“Earth to Johanna!” I was snapped from my walking day dream when someone flailed they’re hands in my face.
I looked ahead, my ‘boss’/friend Scooter stood in front of me. His chocolate brown eyes were ringed with red, and his black hair was curly and messy falling over his forehead.
“Oh…hi Scooter…” I said.
“Where were you? Narnia?” He asked, laughing.
“Yeah pretty much.”
“So did you get the money?” He asked. I sort of worked for Scooter, selling drugs for him and such. In exchange he gave me my free fixes.
“Uh…ya. Here.” I took about 300 dollars from my back pocket.
Scooter flipped through the money quickly. “Good job.” He smiled. “And for you.” He slipped something into my pocket.
I didn’t say anything. My mind was a thousand miles away still. I wasn’t even high.
“Seriously, Joh, are you okay?” He asked. Scooter had some weird crush on me. He always had. He had offered for me to live with him, which I quickly declined. But I still crashed there a lot.
“Ya…just a lot on my mind.” As I said the words, it started to rain. Slowly at first, then more and more drops pelted our heads.
“C’mon, you can crash at my place until it stops raining.”
*
JOSH’S POV
I tried to block out the shrieking voice of the devil spawn in the seat behind me. I tried to block out Matt blabbering about something Jessica said to him.
I just tried to hold that picture of Phoenix in my head. She looked scared. Terrified, really. Like she thought I was going to do something to her.
And she looked so different. The glasses gone, piercings, dyed hair, and I swore to god that tattoo on her neck said Fix Me.
She dropped a bunch of CDs. I never got a good look at which CDs they were, but why was the carrying around CDs at three AM?
“Josh? Jooooosh?” Matt waved his arm in front of my face.
“What!?” I snapped at him.
“Did you hear what I said?”
“No. I’m not paying any attention to you.” I gave him a sarcastic smile.
“Well, Jess was talking to Manda…and she said Manda was talking about you…”
“Mhmm…” Yesterday I would have been so eager to know what my ex-girlfriend was saying. Yesterday I still had feelings for Amanda McEwan. Yesterday I thought Phoenix was either never coming home, or dead.
Matt looked at me funny. “You okay man?” He asked.
“I saw Phoenix this morning.” I told him. “Gave her my number and she ran off. Seemed in a big hurry.” I said it nonchalantly, but Matt sure didn’t answer that way.
“Phoenix as in Hanson!?” I nodded my reply, ran my hand through my hair and sighed. “Holy fucking mother of god.” Matt fell back into his seat.
The kid behind us was really starting to give me a head ache. We had about another hour left of flight, and the kid hadn’t shut up yet.
I snapped. “Could you get that thing to shut the fuck up please lady!?” I spun around and nearly yelled at the chick with the kid behind me. The kid screamed louder.
“That was rude!” She exclaimed back to me.
“You’re fucking accident is what’s rude here, lady.” Okay now that was mean, Josh. “Get it to shut the fuck up.” I turned around dramatically.
Nope, that kid was going to keep on screaming.
I clenched my teeth and rubbed my temples, as if I could simply block out the ear splitting whine.
Matt spoke up. “Do you think she’s still on drugs? You said you got her pretty hooked…”
“I don’t know. She didn’t look high. And I said I didn’t know if I got her hooked. She tried it; never know if she kept going.” I shrugged. “I don’t wanna talk about it.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out my iPod. Putting my headphones in dramatically, I turned it on full blast and let it shuffle.
“Lately
I’ve been living in my head
The rest of me is dead
I’m dying for truth.” I knew the Foo Fighters song was loud enough that people around me could hear it, I didn’t care. I leaned back in the seat and closed my eyes.
*
The rest of our three day venture in Toronto was terrible. Phoenix was the only thing on my mind. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat. I messed up the lyrics to Celebrity Status on stage. My banter was lacking jokes.
The guys noticed, but didn’t say anything. My best guess was that Matt told them about what happened and they thought I wouldn’t want to talk. They knew me to well.
The flight back was similar. Screaming devil spawn, and a blazing head ache.
It was high noon when we landed back in beautiful BC. The airport was filled with people. I imagined every one of their chatty heads exploding and smiled to myself.
I nearly fell asleep at the wheel driving back home.
Dragged myself into the elevator and almost passed out there.
Fumbled with the keys to my apartment.
Fell down in the kitchen trying to open a coke zero.
Spent the night on the floor.
*
I opened one eye. The light spilling through from window in the living room made me guess it was about noon.
I had been woken up by my phone buzzing in my pocket. Yawning, I pried it from my to-tight skinny jeans and answered.
“Hello?” I said, mid yawn.
“I-I’m sorry…did I wake you up?” Phoenix. Even after years I still recognized her voice.
“No, no. I was just…okay yeah you woke me up.” I laughed. “Morning Phoenix.”
“It’s two in the afternoon Josh.” Holy shit…I slept for about 14 hours…
“Well then…” I yawned again. Using my free hand I grabbed the counter and pulled myself up from the floor.
“Uh…you said something about meeting for coffee the other day so…uh…”
“Oh right…ya…How bout in an hour?”
“Sounds good.”
I gave her directions to the closest Starbucks to my apartment and hung up. “Fuck.” I mumbled to myself, looking at my reflection in the stainless steel of my fridge. My hair was all over the place, bags and shadows under my eyes.
For a guy, I cared too much about my appearance.
Over the next hour I managed to change into decent clothes and have a shower. Not in that order.
I walked towards Starbucks with a million things wizzing through my brain. Did Phoenix know about MT? Was she a fan?
I needed a smoke. Reaching into the pocket of the jacket I wore I pulled out my lighter and a smoke from the pack. The one bad habit I hadn’t managed to kick yet.
As I was about to light the smoke, someone grabbed my arm and pulled me into an ally.