Cross My Heart

I found myself sitting in a little coffee shop with Shaun for hours. I wanted to know her story, where she had been these ten years, what was Val like, so on so forth. But she demanded mine first.
“Um…well…right before I left Josh gave me this.” I held the ring out to her. She immediately grabbed my hand and started examining it.
“Are we thinking of the same cheap Josh here? Or do you have two?” She turned my hand over and over looking at it.
I laughed. “Yeah, same Josh. I don’t know how he saved up enough to get it…but it’s a promise ring. Along with that he gave me a heroin addiction. Gotta love the boy.” I said sarcastically. “So I moved to Calgary and made my way there trafficking for a friend. Did pretty much nothing but smoke heroin. And then came back here a few months ago. Josh found me a month ago and is helping me get clean without rehab.”
“Wouldn’t rehab only help at this point?” Shaun seemed genuinely worried.
I shrugged. “I guess, but I really hate doctors. And support groups. And everything. I’d rather talk it out with Josh if I need to. I trust him, I don’t trust strangers.”
And so I forced Shaun to tell me everything about Val.
“She looks so much like Matt…she is getting into music a lot to. She doesn’t do well in school, but makes up for it in talent.”
“And does she know about Matt?”
Shaun shook her head. “She goes by his last name, and actually loves Marianas Trench, but hasn’t put two and two together yet. I don’t think she ever will. It’s a common last name.” I nodded along to that and tried to fit myself into her situation…I would give my kid Josh’s last name. It was common enough, despite the different spelling.
“So I take it your unemployed right now?” Shaun asked after we talked about mindless little things for about two more hours after.
“Yeah well, kinda still deep in recovery. Had I been in rehab chances are I’d still be stuck in my room. Josh just trusts me.”
“Well, when you need a job you can come work for me…I mean, if you want.” She said, scribbling something on a napkin with a pen she seemed to pull from thin air. “I really need some extra help.”
“Um…” I took the napkin she gave me and checked the ten digits written. “I’ll really have to talk it over with Josh…defiantly not right now…” I chewed my lip. “Like I said, I’m going at an unbelievable rate already…maybe in a couple more months.”
“Oh of course.” Shaun seemed appalled I would even think she meant now. “Just keep it for when you do need a job.”
As if on cue, Josh’s phone rang. I pried it from my pocket. I looked at the little screen. The caller ID just displayed a number. I didn’t know to answer it or not.
Like, Josh was famous now. This could be anyone. What would I do if it was like, Chad Kroeger? Oh yeah Chad this is just Josh’s crazy heroin addict girlfriend. No.
But what if it was Josh? Then I would need to answer. It was late, he was probably starting to wonder where I was.
Just in time for the last ring, I answered it. “Uh…hello?” I said in an unsure voice. “Mr. Josh Ramsay’s phone.” I added for good measure so no one would assume they got a wrong number and hang up.
“Hey.” Josh’s familiar voice answered. I let out a slight sigh, relived I wasn’t about to deal with someone important. “What’s up?”
“Oh, hey Josh.” I wagged my eye brows at Shaun. “I’m just with Shaun, you want me back.” Shaun looked intrigued with the phone call.
“It’s okay; I was just checking up…I was getting worried.” I let out an exasperated sigh from Josh’s answer. I was more putting on a show for Shaun than anything.
“I’m not five.” I complained. I was just teasing him.
“I know, I know. I’m just all alone at the studio now…my mind was wandering…” I knew where his mind went, and now I really wanted to go back to the studio and be with him. Shaun had lost it for me.
“Josh. I’m fine. I’ll start walking back-“ I started to stand.
“I can give you a ride.” Shaun offered. “As long as Matt isn’t there.”
“Shaun will give me a ride to the studio…is Matt there?”
“No, he left a few hours ago. I’m alone.”
“I’ll be there in ten.”
Shaun stood with me and we made our way out to her car. We drove in relative silence, apart from me giving her directions.
When we reached the studio, I promised to call her and ran quickly inside. I peeked my head inside the control room Josh had been in earlier.
He sat with his back to me, staring at a computer screen and sipping away at a bottle of coke zero.
“Honey, I’m home!” I decided to make an entrance.
Josh spun around quickly and jumped off his chair, lifting me up in a hug. “Whoa, whoa, I need air.” I said, holding back giggles.
“What? I missed you. Is that allowed?” Josh placed me back on my feet and smiled at me.
“I was only gone for a couple hours, what’s going to happen when you have to go away to a show for a few days? What about tours!? Oh how will you live!?” I said sarcastically.
“Yeah about that…” Josh tucked a stray lock of pitch black hair behind my ear. “Uh…we have a show in Sarnia in a few days…we’re playing Bayfest…and playing a couple of the new songs to…”
“Ooh what ones?” I asked, excited for Josh. I wasn’t sure why he was easing into the topic.
“Haven’t Had Enough and By Now.” Josh played with a lock of my hair. “But uh…we’re gonna be gone for three days…and um…do you want to come with us?”
I thought about it for a few seconds. “Not really. I don’t like travelling much.”
Josh chewed on his bottom lip and stared at me. I sighed, realizing what he was getting at. “I’m coming weather I want to or not, aren’t I?”
Josh nodded slowly. “It won’t be that bad.” He promised, giving me a soft kiss on the lips. “We’re all taking a plane there and back, and it’s only three days.”
“Three days of following you like a silent tail. That I can promise you.” I laughed a little bit at my own mental image.
“That’s okay.” Josh smiled and kissed me again. “Now. You’re going to hate me, but I have to stick around here for another hour or two editing. I’m not coming in tomorrow we have to pack, and we take off for Sarnia the day after.” Josh informed me, stepping back towards his chair. “Want me to call you a cab or something?”
“No, I can just hang out here.” I lay down on the couch, closing my eyes and listening to Josh click and type away at whatever it is he was doing.
I slowly felt myself drift into sleep.
What I saw there wasn’t pleasant. I was walking down Acadia road how it was ten years ago. I was simply walking under the street lights, taking in the cold night air.
I came across my house. I just stood and looked at it for a bit. It looked exactly the same. Not a dead flower out of place. I could see the light on in my little basement window.
I crept up closer to it and looked down into it. Inside my room I could see a man sitting on my bed. Even back turned I recognised Adam. The rest of the room was bare. The setting seemed to be right after I’d moved out.
I watched as Adam stood. He walked robotically around the bed and toward the window. He simply stared out, right at me. I could see my own present day reflection in the window as well.
“Johanna!” A familiar voice called a name I was trying to forget about. My eyes broke away from Adam in the window.
Staggering down the middle of the street was Scooter. He was obviously drunk, and chances were he was high to.
“Johanna you came back!” There was a huge smile on his face. He looked like a five year old on Christmas morning, running down the steps to find Santa had been generous this year.
Slowly, I watched as his smile fell into something more broken. Like that same child had opened all his presents onto to find coal. Not angry, just devastated.
I didn’t know what the issue was until I felt familiar arms wrap around my waist.
“Josh…no.” I tried to pry my way free from him, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough.
Every cell in my body screamed at me to run to Scooter. “Josh let go of me!” It was like he was made of stone, I couldn’t make him move. I kicked and scratched at him and nothing.
I needed to get to Scooter. I don’t know why, I just did. I felt like if I didn’t something terrible would happen.
“Shh, Phoenix calm down.” Josh whispered in my ear and held me tighter. “I’ll be over in a minute.”
I turned to look at him and was surprised to see the boy with dirty blonde hair I had dated in high school. He pressed a kiss to my forehead and I spun back around as fast as I could, trying to break free again.
Before I could do anything, a semi came flying down the road at a completely illegal speed. Drunk and high, Scooter didn’t see it coming. As the semi crashed into him, he burst into a black dust.
“No!” I screamed, kicking at Josh even harder. “Scooter!” I felt hot tears stinging my cheeks.
A hand rested on my shoulder. I looked up to see Adam standing beside Josh. “He’s gone.” Josh told Adam, who simply nodded.