Status: Live
Holding Hands Won't Be Enough
Chapter 83: Arrabbiata
“Apology arrabbiata?” Ville said nervously, holding a brown paper bag from her favourite Italian restaurant up in front of him. She looked at him blankly, not really knowing what to say. Him turning up was the last thing she could have imagined, let alone turning up with an apology. She set her pen down on her pile of paper work and anxiously placed her hands in her lap, she could form no words because she had none left, he had exhausted her. “Milly,” he began, his voice soft and pleading, “I’m sorry about this morning. About the last few weeks, months even. I don’t know why I’ve been how I’ve been. And I don’t know how you can still love me with how I’ve been. But I want to be better.” Milly listened, gripping and twisting her index finger as she did so, trying not to allow herself to be upset. “I’ve been a selfish bastard.”
“A selfish drunk bastard.” she said barely above a whisper.
“Yes.” he agreed sternly. “You don’t deserve that.”
“No…”
“You deserve the entire world for what you do for me, for us. I’ve never had to be the person who waits at home before, I’ve never not had something to focus on. You’re my only constant and it’s just felt like I’ve not been enough and I understand you’re not choosing anything over anything else. It’s temporary and it’s life, and it’s our life. But still, this pathetic part of my soul screams to me that it is you choosing over me.” he sighed, defeatedly.
“I don’t do it to deserve anything Ville.” she began, “And, do you not think that there aren't stages in our lives where I feel the same as you are feeling? The months upon months at a time that you are away from me, having my only contact with you being through a screen? You don’t know the nights that I’ve sat alone after speaking to you, knowing you were out partying, and cried praying that you didn’t meet someone who spoke to your heart stronger than I did. Not because I don’t trust you, but because that same part of my soul that you have, is screaming at me that I’m not enough.” she spoke passionately, jabbing at her chest with her finger emphatically as she spoke, “But I get on with it because I know that it’s just another part of life - our life - that has to be navigated. I’ve not known anything but that life with you. And no matter where in the world you are taken, or for how long, I always know that you will come home and when you do I will always be waiting, because I love you. That’s how I deal with it. By loving you. If I let my fears lead my actions Ville, we wouldn’t have even gotten together. I could sit there and tell myself all night and day that you were choosing music, touring, the band, the guys, partying over me, I could drive myself crazy, easily - because I feel that inside of me - but I don’t, because I won’t let it, because that fear and that jealousy pales in comparison to my love for you. Do you understand?” he nodded. His heart guiltily in his stomach. He clenched his lips together and exhaled through his nose. He didn’t understand how he was so lucky to have her.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, I don’t need you to be sorry. I just need you to be there.” she said, tapping her head, “We work for our future, for our lives to be better, for our future children’s lives to be better… You call me on the road and sound like a reanimated corpse you’re so tired, begging for it to be over so you can come home to me, but you persevere because it’s your job. I haven’t slept longer than four hours in two months and I never see you I’m so busy - I would trade it all in a heartbeat to be with you every second of the day if I didn’t know that it was building towards a perfect life for our family.” she sighed, “I know we love each other. But we also love our work… I understand that need for balance. You need to.”
“How are you so strong?” he asked seriously. “How am I the one you love? I’m all fucked up because I miss you and you’re right fucking here… You’re always right here for me and our life and I’m losing control of it because I'm scared. I’m pathetic.”
“You’re not pathetic.” she countered, getting up and walking over to him, taking the bag and setting it perilously on her desk, “And I’m not strong.” she added, standing directly infant of him, looking straight into his sad eyes, “I’m just in love… with you.” she shrugged. “No matter how much of a piece of shit you can be.” she laughed gently, “You could murder my whole family and I would still love you until my dying day. Maybe I’m a fool, I don’t know. I don’t really know how to explain it.”
“Really?” she nodded.
“But please don’t, murder my whole family.” he laughed, his shoulders instantly relaxing, the torment of his mind quiet for the first time in weeks.
“I don’t deserve you.”
“No, you don’t.” she smiled, “But you have me anyway. Remember that.”
“I love you.” she placed her hands on his chest and kissed his neck.
“Then come back to me. I need you.” he wrapped his arms around her, his hand cradling her head, her hair between his fingers, pleading with himself that he could get past this.
“A selfish drunk bastard.” she said barely above a whisper.
“Yes.” he agreed sternly. “You don’t deserve that.”
“No…”
“You deserve the entire world for what you do for me, for us. I’ve never had to be the person who waits at home before, I’ve never not had something to focus on. You’re my only constant and it’s just felt like I’ve not been enough and I understand you’re not choosing anything over anything else. It’s temporary and it’s life, and it’s our life. But still, this pathetic part of my soul screams to me that it is you choosing over me.” he sighed, defeatedly.
“I don’t do it to deserve anything Ville.” she began, “And, do you not think that there aren't stages in our lives where I feel the same as you are feeling? The months upon months at a time that you are away from me, having my only contact with you being through a screen? You don’t know the nights that I’ve sat alone after speaking to you, knowing you were out partying, and cried praying that you didn’t meet someone who spoke to your heart stronger than I did. Not because I don’t trust you, but because that same part of my soul that you have, is screaming at me that I’m not enough.” she spoke passionately, jabbing at her chest with her finger emphatically as she spoke, “But I get on with it because I know that it’s just another part of life - our life - that has to be navigated. I’ve not known anything but that life with you. And no matter where in the world you are taken, or for how long, I always know that you will come home and when you do I will always be waiting, because I love you. That’s how I deal with it. By loving you. If I let my fears lead my actions Ville, we wouldn’t have even gotten together. I could sit there and tell myself all night and day that you were choosing music, touring, the band, the guys, partying over me, I could drive myself crazy, easily - because I feel that inside of me - but I don’t, because I won’t let it, because that fear and that jealousy pales in comparison to my love for you. Do you understand?” he nodded. His heart guiltily in his stomach. He clenched his lips together and exhaled through his nose. He didn’t understand how he was so lucky to have her.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, I don’t need you to be sorry. I just need you to be there.” she said, tapping her head, “We work for our future, for our lives to be better, for our future children’s lives to be better… You call me on the road and sound like a reanimated corpse you’re so tired, begging for it to be over so you can come home to me, but you persevere because it’s your job. I haven’t slept longer than four hours in two months and I never see you I’m so busy - I would trade it all in a heartbeat to be with you every second of the day if I didn’t know that it was building towards a perfect life for our family.” she sighed, “I know we love each other. But we also love our work… I understand that need for balance. You need to.”
“How are you so strong?” he asked seriously. “How am I the one you love? I’m all fucked up because I miss you and you’re right fucking here… You’re always right here for me and our life and I’m losing control of it because I'm scared. I’m pathetic.”
“You’re not pathetic.” she countered, getting up and walking over to him, taking the bag and setting it perilously on her desk, “And I’m not strong.” she added, standing directly infant of him, looking straight into his sad eyes, “I’m just in love… with you.” she shrugged. “No matter how much of a piece of shit you can be.” she laughed gently, “You could murder my whole family and I would still love you until my dying day. Maybe I’m a fool, I don’t know. I don’t really know how to explain it.”
“Really?” she nodded.
“But please don’t, murder my whole family.” he laughed, his shoulders instantly relaxing, the torment of his mind quiet for the first time in weeks.
“I don’t deserve you.”
“No, you don’t.” she smiled, “But you have me anyway. Remember that.”
“I love you.” she placed her hands on his chest and kissed his neck.
“Then come back to me. I need you.” he wrapped his arms around her, his hand cradling her head, her hair between his fingers, pleading with himself that he could get past this.