Smile Like Ritalin

The walls were white, the floor was white, the ceiling was white, the dresses the ‘nurses’ wore were white. Everything was white. Too white. I always hated the colour white.
“Miss Cleering?” One of the ‘nurses’ asked me. I preferred to think of them as wardens. “Would you like to come out for lunch today?”
I had been stuck in this rehabilitation center for about three months now. I hadn’t left my room once, I never felt like socializing with other druggies.
“No.” I answered rudely. “Get out of my room.”
“Miss Cleering, Dr. Rayn wants you to socialize.” The ‘nurse’ told me. “You’ve been staying in here for three months.”
“Don’t call me ‘miss Cleering’.” I snapped at her. “My name is MJ.”
The ‘nurse’ sighed. “MJ, you have to come eat with the rest of the patients. Doctors’ orders.”
I didn’t want to, but I obeyed. I followed her down the sterile white hallways, mumbling to myself. “This is all fucking Josh’s fault. Fucking bastard.” I mumbled. The ‘nurse’ didn’t even flinch.
She led me to a large cafeteria like room. Pointing me off towards a line of up zombie like people, she disappeared into the crowd.
Moving like the other zombies, I collected a tray and a bowl of whatever mystery soup they served me.
Head down, I made my way to an empty table. Doctor wanted me to socialize? Hell no. Last time I trusted someone they landed me here.
I slowly ate my soup. It tasted oddly chicken-ish, with a little bit of carrot. I didn’t know what to think other than I wanted to be high.
“M-Mary Jane?” A voice stuttered over my name.
I looked up from my bowl into a pair of familiar crystal blue eyes. His black hair was longer, falling into them. He was even skinnier, and he looked like a lost, scared boy who had been through hell. Good. He deserved hell.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” I asked him, making it clear how much I did not want to see him let alone have a conversation with him.
“Here was in at this table? Here was in rehab? Or here as in the great question of why we walk this earth?” A small smile played at his lips.
“Fuck off.” I looked back into my soup.
“MJ listen, I’m sorry.” Josh sat down on the bench opposite me.
“I said, fuck off.”
“Please, MJ.” Josh grabbed my hand from across the table. I threw it off.
“Don’t touch me.” I warned him. “You got me drunk. You took my virginity. Got me addicted to your stupid drugs, and let me to handle it all on my own.” I stood up from the table. “Why should I accept your apology when you landed me in this place?”
“Because…I didn’t know what I was doing when I did it.” Josh didn’t even try to stand up with me. “I know, I ruined your life. I deserve to burn in hell.” He folded his arms on the table and rested his forehead on them.
I almost felt…sorry for him. He was so broken…No. No, no, no, no. I was not going to hear him out. He put me here. I couldn’t get out and it was his entire fault.
“I’m…I’m glad you’re in here…getting better…you are worth so much more than the drugs…” His voice was barely audible. “I barely even know you, MJ, but I know you are so amazing. You’re honest, you’re adventurous.” I heard a smile in Josh’s voice. “You just don’t know when to say no.”
“So is that why you fucked me and dumped me?” I turned back to face him.
“MJ, at that point everything I did was controlled by drugs.” Josh ran a hand through his hair. “I really am sorry I did that to you, I never wanted to. I’m not that kind of guy.”
“What kind of guy are you, Josh? To end up addicted to drugs anyways?” I sat down across from him again. Something about Josh…I wanted to be mad at him, so much. I wanted to feel so angry it would tear me up from the inside. I wanted to hate him for the rest of my life and never forgive him.
But I couldn’t. I felt that slipping. He really was sorry. He didn’t want this for me as much as he didn’t want it for himself. We were just two lost teenagers, burdened by depression and society. We didn’t know what to do.
Josh looked up and me sitting across from him.
I sighed. “I’m sorry to, Josh. For blaming you.” I half smiled at him. “We were both lost. But…I guess now we’re finding ourselves, eh?” I laughed a little bit. A dry, humourless laugh.
“Shit way to do it.” Josh full out smiled at me, I laughed for real this time. “So…friends?” Josh held his hand out to me curiously.
“Friends.” I confirmed, shaking his oversized hand. It was ridiculous. I was a small person - barely standing five feet tall. Josh’s hand completely engulfed mine.
“You have tiny hands.” He laughed.
“No, you just have fucking huge hands.” I laughed along with him.
“I come from a long line of musicians.” He explained, taking a sip from the Coke he had been carrying around.
“Such as?” I wanted to get to know him. Something about him made me happy. Now a days, if something made me happy, I held on tight and I didn’t let go.
“No one really famous…not that big of a deal…my dad co-owns Little Mountain records…” My mouth dropped open. Josh’s smile grew slightly evil. “My mom was a backup singer of Lenard Cohen.” My mouth fell open even wider. Josh let out a laugh.
“Your family is ridiculous.” I laughed along with him.
“What about yours?” Josh asked me. “Any siblings? What do your parents do?”
“Fight a lot.” I stirred my spoon around my soup, my appetite lost. I sighed. “My dad is a mechanic and my mom works at an insurance broker. I have a two year old little brother named Weston. That’s it. We’re not very exciting.”
“Well at least they’re there, right?” Josh smiled. “Better than being all alone.”
“Sometimes…” This was pretty much my hugest secret I was spilling right now. To a guy I barely knew…but, really, I felt like I knew him pretty well. For all we’d been through together in such a short time. This guy was my first kiss. The first guy I slept with (and only, too.) He offered me my first drink and my first high. He was the first guy who ever even showed an interest in me. I felt some sort of connection to him.
“Sometimes I do feel alone. I don’t have any friends. I used to have this one…she took me to the party I met you at…left me there when she saw me with you. Decided I was a lost cause because of you.” I looked up. “Not that I blame you.”
“You’re not alone, MJ.” Josh reached across the table and took my hand in his. “You never will be again. I promise.”