You Started A Fire and Left Me Like This

Time is said to heal all wounds, and yet after five years the wounds I have still seem to be raw and bloody. I had expected that after I left that things would get easier and that the memories would start to fade. But anytime that I find myself with a moment of peace the flashbacks start. It’s always the same memories too: Andrew and I in bed discussing the future, arguing about football teams on the bus, using him for support in the shower, gripping his hand so hard his skin was starting to turn white when the doctor gave us the news…

My wounds still bleed more than I’d like to admit. They’ve bled on my new relationship more than once, and yet my Thomas doesn’t seem to mind. He stays strong and steady by my side, dealing with the feelings of regret and self-loathing that fill me. He has demons too. Shrapnel in his legs from an IED* overseas, haunting memories of holding his best friend as he took his last breath, dreams that cause him to wake up screaming.

We're both broken, and yet somehow we complete each other.

Had I taken the day off like I had planned to, I never would have met him. Never before have I been so happy I didn't take a personal day. We've been together for three years. Fourteen months however were spent with him in Afghanistan and me putting together care packages with the FRG** and trying my hardest to ignore the current events on the news. When he came home with a Purple Heart he swore that when his contract was up he was done, he couldn't deploy again and leave me.

Tonight however was girl’s night. A few other NCO’s*** wives had dragged me out to The Viper Room with promises of free drinks and paying my cover. Although a night out dancing to some DJ wasn’t exactly my idea of an enjoyable night out, but Tom had insisted that it would be good for me to get out and have a good time. I begged to differ, but he won this round.

After standing outside in the warm LA night for forty-five minutes and almost not being let in when we finally got to the front of line, we finally found ourselves pushing our way into the club.

At my side Avery, just back from her honeymoon, was going on and on about how much she loved her husband and that she couldn’t wait for him to go to the promotion board and make Staff Sergeant like Thomas. Don’t get me wrong, Avery was a sweet girl but at only twenty she was very naive and it made dealing with her a tad difficult sometimes. Now was in fact one of those times, which was why all of my replies lacked any real substance. But she didn’t seem to mind because she continued on with her meaningless blather about her husband and how nice she found the base housing to be.

The other woman that had promised me a good time tonight was Nicole, a Sergeant First Class who was married to a Master Sergeant with two kids. It wasn’t very often that she got a night out on the town, which was why she didn’t want to spend it with just Avery. And I could completely understand at this point. Nicole rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest, she was already starting to get fed up with Avery and the night had just started. Clearly it was time to find the bar...

I continued to ignore Avery as we maneuvered around the groups of people who lined the walls. Grumbling to myself about the ridiculous amount of people already in the club I reminded myself what a stupid idea this had been and made a mental note to share with Thomas what a miserable time I was having. As I internally began to prepare my text message I thought I heard someone call my name over the music. However neither Avery or Nicole were looking at me, so I brushed off the thought and followed Nicole and Avery further into the club.

That was when I noticed him.

My mouth went dry and my heart seemed to stop working. Every bone in my body told me to about face and retreat from the direct fire that I was about to receive, but I was rooted to the floor. Andy must have recognized me too because the arm he had slung around some other woman fell.

“Andrew?” Not even able to help myself I gaped at the man before me. It felt like everything was happening in slow motion as he approached me in a cautious manner.

Five years hadn’t done much to change Andy, actually he was as handsome as ever. His once long hair had been chopped off, but the new length gave him a more serious appearance. There were definitely more tattoos on his body than there had been a few years ago. I wanted so badly to get close enough to really inspect them, to trace my fingertips along the lines, and to learn the stories behind each and everyone of them. But that was no longer my place...

“Ella, oh my god is that really you?” I couldn’t help but smirk as Andrew pushed his way past my friends. It was clear, especially in Nicole’s situation as a higher ranking NCO, that they weren’t use to such rude gestures.

“Andy…” A million thoughts and hypothetical scenarios of how this would play out flashed in my mind as I struggled to find the right words to say. “It’s been a while…” I didn’t know what to say. What could I say? We hadn’t exactly left on a good note. It didn’t help that neither Nicole or Avery knew of my sordid past.

“Five years…” Andy’s voice was thick with emotion, which against my better judgment caused my heart to ache.

“I’m so sorry.” What else could I say? When I left I removed all connections with him, I had decided that if I was going to leave I had to completely erase him from my life and vise versa. Not even realizing what I was doing because it was simply a habit, I reached out for Andy’s hand and took it. A strange mix of nostalgia and longing filled me when our hands touched.

“You didn’t even say goodbye. I hoped that you would come back like we had talked about, but you never did...” From the corner of my eye I could see the woman Andrew was with giving me a dirty look, but I ignored her and the pang of guilt that hit me as he spoke.

“This isn’t the place to discuss this.” Hesitantly I glanced around the room at my friends before reaching into my bag and extracting the Sharpie I always seemed to carry with me.
“Let’s go out for coffee or something one day, okay? We can talk things over.” I don’t know what compelled me to do this but I quickly scribbled my new number on the top of his hand.

“Yeah…” The girl at his side was even less impressed that he had gotten the number of some girl who to her was a stranger. I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of her… But I had to remind myself of the ring on my left hand and remember that I let Andrew go five years ago.

“Text me sometime.” Giving Andy’s hand one last squeeze I smiled at the man who I had once known.

Our attentions were quickly pulled elsewhere and Andy lead out of the club and back out of my life as Nicole pushed me in the direction of the bar. Fuck did I need a drink.

“Since when do you know rockstars?” Avery asked as she wiggled her way next to me at the packed bar.

I sighed and pressed myself closer to the bar, hoping that the sight of my cleavage would flag down a bartender. “There’s a lot of my past you don’t know, Avery.”

It was a glorious moment when the bartender finally slid up to us and took our orders. Avery laid a twenty on the bar when our drinks were handed over to us. “How do you know him then?” Nicole finally said after taking a healthy sip of her drink.

“I knew him a long time ago, before he was considered famous.” Taking my own healthy sip of the Jager Bomb I had ordered I hoped that tonight wouldn’t turn into a rehash of my past. “Can we not talk about the stupid shit I did as a teenager, please? This is supposed to be a fun night.”

Nicole chuckled around the rim of her glass and shrugged. “Fine, for tonight we won’t talk about what just went down. Tomorrow is a different story.”

I groaned. “Fine. But there will be very few gory details.”

“Bullshit there will be!” Avery cried as she threw back a shot of vodka she had ordered.

“I think that’s already going to your head.” Elbowing her in the side only earned me a roll of her eyes.

“Come on, let’s go dance!” Before either of us could say a word we were being pulled onto the floor.

I was thankful that Avery had decided we should dance, it gave me a little time to dissect what had just happened. My thoughts were a mess as were my emotions. Had I done the right thing by giving Andy my phone number? For the last five years I had been doing everything to keep my distance from him and yet by giving him my cell number and permission to text me I had only set myself up for further heartbreak.

God am I an idiot. Thomas would kill me if he knew what I had just done. Hopefully Avery and Nicole wouldn’t say a word to him… If Andy really did end up texting me, could I really bring myself to make plans and meet up with him? I had said I would. Honestly I don’t think my heart could take a face to face sit down with him. I can barely talk to Tom about what happened without breaking down, so I can only imagine how emotional I would be if I talked with Andy about the events that took place years ago. Fuck.

What am I going to do?

***

The sound of my phone vibrating on my nightstand is ultimately what woke me up. Although the sounds of Thomas getting ready for the day were moderately annoying but I was use to those and normally would have slept through them. I groaned and blindly reached for my phone. I could hear Tom laughing under his breath at me, but I ignored him as I opened one eye and read my notification screen.

I haven’t slept all night because I’ve been thinking about you, the baby, and the past. There are so many things I want to say to you, so many questions I need to ask. We need to meet up. When are you free?

My heart leapt into my throat and suddenly I was very awake and very hung over. Cursing under my breath I tossed my phone back down onto the side table and held my pounding head.

“Did someone not drink any water and have something to eat last night?” The laughter in Thomas’ voice wasn’t hard to miss.

“Possibly.” I covered my face with a pillow and willed the pounding in my head to go away.

“Aren’t you glad you went out?” Tom came to sit on the edge of the bed next to me, his work worn hands came to rest on my back.

“No.” I groaned as he began to lovingly rub my back. “I’m hungover. If I hadn’t gone out I wouldn’t feel horrible.”

“If you hadn’t exceeded your three drink maximum you wouldn’t be hungover.” He corrected.

“Shut up.”

“Of course dear.” Snickering he pressed a gentle kiss to the back of my neck. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Tommy.” From under the pillow I could hear Tom huff. He had never been a fan of being called Tommy, and yet I often did it as a term of endearment. Honestly, other than his mom I’m pretty sure I’m the only one allowed to call him Tommy.

“Who’s texting you this early?”

It was obvious that I couldn’t tell Tom about running into Andy at the club and giving him my new number, because that would cause a huge fight. And I wasn’t really in the correct state for what would be a monumental fight. So thinking fast I shrugged from my place under the pillow. “I ran into an old friend from high school.”

“Oh very nice.” He hummed while moving up to work on my shoulders.

“For the most part.” I pushed myself up to meet his touch. “Her and I weren’t really friends, but it was nice to see a familiar face. She wants to meet up for coffee one day when I’m free.”

“And I’m sure you’re just thrilled about this.” Thomas tugged the pillow away from me.

“Very much so.” My body protested as I rolled over to face my fiancee.

Despite how horrible I felt I smiled at him. Even with the Army’s nerdy looking physical fitness uniform on he was still incredibly handsome. I sat up slowly and reached out to wrap my arms around him. When I finally was able to use him for support like I had hundreds of times before I let out a sigh of content.

I placed my hands gently on his cheeks and pressed a kiss to the tip of his nose. “Have a good day, babe.”

Thomas chuckled and kissed my forehead. “I’ll try. We’ve got a company run today so I can’t promise that today will be good.”

“Oh boy have fun, I’ll make sure to have dinner on the table and my body ready when you get home.”

“I sense the sarcasm, but at least having your body ready is an excellent idea.”

“Fine, I will be draped in a provocative manner ready to give you pleasure when you get home.” Holding me closer to his body Tom pressed a line of kisses down the length of my neck. I gasped quietly, but I knew he had heard me.

“If I wasn’t under such a time crunch I’d say let’s do it now.” I swatted at his chest, but secretly wished that he did have the time. Maybe a proper fucking would help clear all the thoughts of Andy that my mind was cluttered with.

“What time do you have to be in front of the company?” Even though I was severly hung over I ignored all the protests of my body and leaned in to kiss him seductively.

“Eight-fifteen.” He groaned.

Glancing over at the digital clock on his side of the bed I smirk. “It’s six-ten now Sergeant. How about we conduct a little physical training of our own? We’ve got the time.”