We Only Breathe for so Long

“Is she okay?”

“She’s been awfully quiet. You think something’s wrong with her?”

“She seems perfectly normal to me.”

“Guys, I can hear you!” I yelled from the front row seat of John’s white van. That shut up the guys immediately. I mumbled incoherent nonsense as I stared out the window, trying to ignore everyone around me.

We passed by several houses before we turned abruptly left. The houses were spaced farther apart and signs of civilization were slowly diminishing. I let out a sigh and placed my chin under my hands, letting my thoughts get the best of me.

When I got out of Isa’s car I felt sick. The tears dried up on my face and I didn’t have enough time to wipe all of it off. The first step I took inside the O’Callaghan home, I was bombarded with questions as to why I cried. My eyes were red rimmed and my cheeks were puffed out. The guys all came over me, asking me who made me cry and that they were going to kick his butt. Isa was the only one who didn’t make a move on me, watching me from afar. She had a sad look on her face and I knew that she understood the concept of personal space.

I was pretty much a zombie to all of them because of the sudden realization I had. Right now, I was doing my best to avoid each and every one of their questions regarding my emotions. As you can tell from my body language, I made it pretty clear that I didn’t want anyone talking to me. Especially Kennedy. I don’t think I’d want to face him now that I’ve realized how I felt towards him. Oh why did Jordan have to love him too? I mean, there’s nothing wrong with loving him. What’s there not to love? His big toothy smile, his kind heart, his lovely hazel eyes…

I shook my head, trying to push thoughts of him away. I shouldn’t be thinking about him! I promised Jordan that I wouldn’t steal the love of her life. Some people would say that, “She’s already dead, give yourself a break,” but I can’t. I am a woman of my word and it was the least I could do after years and years of her taking care of me.

A breath escaped my lips as I slouched further in my seat, my eyes fixed on the window to my left. The guys started whispering obviously still talking about me but this time I decided to ignore them. John was driving (thank God) and he kept glancing at me but chose not to speak. Good.

I was stuck in the car with the guys for two hours… I think. I wasn’t sure since I spent half of the ride sleeping everything off in hopes that I could forget everything. Unfortunately, reality slaps you in the face once you wake up and everything is still fucked up.

I woke up with a jolt, looking around in a daze when I noticed that the van has stopped moving and we were parked in the middle of nowhere. Trees were lined up on the left and the right and I could see the dirt road up ahead as well as a small cottage. I raised my arms and stretched, my eyebrows scrunched up wondering where we’ll bungee jump in this little place.

I looked around the van and noticed that everyone was gone. Well that wasn’t very nice. They left me alone. I could have been molested! I bit my lip and shook my head. I took out my phone and sent a quick message to Isa, asking them where they were. After that I tucked my phone in my pocket and looked around the place for any sign of life. I opened the door and immediately felt the rush of cool wind against my face, making me shiver slightly.

“Lisette?”

I snapped my head to where the voice came from and saw none other than Kennedy, leaning on the side of the car with a warm smile on his face. He immediately stood up straight and walked over to me. As if on cue, a small smile came to my lips but I quickly covered it with a cough. I shouldn’t even be talking to him. I can’t. I might fall in deeper if I did.

“Yeah?”

“You’re awake.”His hands were shoved in his pockets and his hair was slightly disheveled. Probably from the wind.

I looked at him and just nodded my head. I hopped out of the van and shoved my hands in my pockets, rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet. The sky was clear and blue, not a single cloud. I glanced at the cottage I saw earlier and saw the group sitting down on some of the chairs, others sleeping others talking. I felt Kennedy touch my shoulder and I stiffened, my heart beating rapidly.

“You okay?”

“Yeah definitely. Let’s go!” I replied, much too fast and way too enthusiastically.

I didn’t turn to look at Kennedy’s reaction because I was already brisk walking to where the others were, keeping my eyes on my shoes. I couldn’t believe that I fell for the man my sister loved. Call it cliché but I didn’t know. Fuck. Promises are meant to be broken but this is one I’d like to keep, thank you very much.

The closer I got to the cottage, the more I noticed the small details and the fact that there was something just behind it that perked up my interest. I raised my eyebrows and saw Isa standing in the middle of the porch, arms crossed and eyes dead set on me. I felt my stomach do flips. This cannot be good.

When I was more or less a foot away from her I waved my hand and attempted in greeting her with such fondness, she will melt.

“Isa! Hey!” She cocked her hip and rolled her eyes.

“Did something happen to your wind pipe? Your voice sounds awful.” I stopped in my tracks and cleared my throat before smiling at her. That was very blunt of her to say so.

“I just woke up,” I replied slowly. I glanced at the other guys who were aimlessly talking, making sure that they were avoiding my gaze. So they won’t help me? Okay then.

“Did Kennedy wake you?”

“Uh… I guess you could say that.” Isa sighed.

“Lisette, something is obviously wrong here.” Of course it is! Falling in love with your sister’s first love is wrong!

I snorted and waved it away.

“Nothing is wrong!” I said, going up the porch steps. The guys greeted me and started asking me why I was quiet the whole time. I simply told them I was really tired and that I wasn’t in the mood to talk to them. They also asked why I was crying but I just told them I was PMS-ing, hoping they’d shut up about it. Lucky for me, they did. Isa was the only one who was suspicious about the whole thing. I could feel her gaze penetrating my back while I was talking to the guys.

“Hey Kennedy.” I heard Isa say and that’s when I choked on what I was saying. Garrett gave me a weird look but I just smiled and brushed it off. The guys didn’t seem to notice my reaction and I was grateful for that.

“Kennedy, are we going bungee jumping or not?” John piped. I turned around because I had to, and watched Kennedy. His eyes met mine but I just looked away, afraid that I’d melt under his gaze. Instead of seeing his hazel eyes, I was met with blue orbs that were annoyed at John. I still don’t get their relationship.

“Yeah. I mean,Lisette’s up and she’s the whole reason why we’re here right?” I turned to look at you again. You were expressionless as you said this and now, I wasn’t sure if you were annoyed or just being “a matter of fact”. I crossed my arms and saw the guys shrug.

“Okay then, let’s get going!” Garrett yelled, pumping his fist in the air making him look even more awkward than he already was. Pat started jumping around and he was the first one to bolt inside the cottage followed by Jared, Garrett and John. I was half expecting Kennedy to go and try talk to me but he just gave me one look before disappearing inside the cottage. I should feel relieved that we didn’t have that eye-to-eye thing but my heart squeezed. Was he mad? Oh god. I wasn’t that rude, was I?

“Oohhh, looks like the couple are having a fight,” Isa sang, eyeing me with that knowing look of hers. I just groaned and shook my head.

“We aren’t even together,” I mumbled hand locked on the doorknob. Isa sighed and rolled her eyes.

“Yeah I know. So, do you feel like talking about what happened? Why you were crying and stuff?” It was clear that Isa was worried about me. Her blue eyes showed concern. It baffled me how Isa treated me like a friend she’d known for years. We’ve only spent around a month with each other and I can’t believe that we’ve gotten closer. It was my first time being this close to a girl that wasn’t Jordan.

“I—“ I started but was rudely cut off when the door swung open revealing an uncomfortable Nickelsen boy.

“The guys are waiting for you.” Isa sent me looking saying that we’ll talk about this later but somehow I knew that it won’t happen. I’d be too caught up worrying how I’ll survive bungee jumping.

I shook away thoughts of Jordan’s confession in her journal and focused on what was happening to day. Which is my death. No. I shouldn’t be joking about that. Let’s just say I was going to face one of the things I placed in my bucket list and ugh, why did I even put this there?

Garrett opened the door wider and Isa slipped inside, sending a glare at Garrett’s direction for interrupting us. I chuckled a bit and saw him look at me for answers as to why she did that. I merely shrugged and went inside.

I was expecting the inside of the cottage to be warm and… well, hot. Unfortunately I was wrong and it was cooler than I have expected. The AC was blasting from all four corners of the room causing the hairs on my skin rise up. I gritted my teeth and rubbed my arms, hoping the warmth would come back. The guys seem to be enjoying the cool air by the way they were joking around and laughing like it was no change. I caught a glimpse of Kennedy laughing over some joke one of them said. We had eye contact and I was sure he was just going to look away but instead, he gave me a small smile before talking to John.

So he’s not mad?

“Come on Lisette, the table’s over there.”

I turned to Isa who looped her arm with mine, dragging me to the medium sized mahogany table sitting at the far right side of the room. Potted plants were placed in the room as well, probably to give us more oxygen. If that wasn’t the reason, then the people love plants or they’re just there for decoration.

My feet padded against the cold hardwood floor, creaking with every step I took. I dreaded the fact that I was coming closer and closer to the desk that was going to be my entry for the bungee jumping session. I took a huge gulp of air as I stood behind it, Isa’s arm still looped with mine. To my dismay, (or is it luck?), I stood next to Kennedy. My arm brushed against his and I felt faint electricity shoot up. Static maybe?

I glanced down at my arm and saw Kennedy did as well. Call it cheesy but that’s what exactly happened. You’d be expecting us to smile and greet and do all those couple stuff but before we even had a say, a girl came up behind the counter greeting us with forced enthusiasm.

“Good day! What can I do for you?”Her hair was a mess and her green eyes were dull and void of emotion. The nametag on her shirt read “Emily Hopkins” with a smiley face on the side. It was clear that this girl wouldn’t be smiling any time soon.

“Bungee jumping!” Pat yelled causing the girl to jerk up in surprise. She pursed her lips and eyed Pat carefully.

“Hm, yes of course. Wonderful.” She said, her voice lacking enthusiasm and sincerity.

I rolled my eyes, silently commended Pat for bringing happiness in this lonely store. The grain on the wood captured my interest momentarily as Kennedy and the others talked about the bungee jumping and how it was all going to work. My fingers trailed the wood, amazed at how much care the table was give due to the lustrous shine it gave off.

“Well there’s a harness of course, yes head first.” My head snapped up when she mentioned that because now, I was imagining what was going to happen in the next few minutes or so. I gulped down my saliva and slowly retreated from the desk. None of them seemed to notice.

I made slow, even steps backward when my calves hit the small coffee table in the room. I let out a silent gasp and watched the vase teeter on the table. I immediately held it with my two hands and let out a breath of relief when it stopped moving. If it broke, I wouldn’t know what to do.

“That was a close one!” I looked up and saw Isa, smiling at me thinking that the whole situation was funny. I cocked an eyebrow at her and wondered why she was seating on one of the leather bound sofas instead of standing with the guys near the desk. I set my mouth into a straight line and carefully placed the vase on the table.

“Way to be Captain Obvious,” I said. I brushed off my hands and walked over to her, sitting at her right. Every single one of the guys was huddled up front and we girls decided to just sit and watch their behinds. A cloud of breath escaped my lips as I placed one hand under my chin, slumping at the thought of free falling in the air even if I did have a harness on me.

“So… care to tell me what happened now?” I glanced at Isa and saw her fiddling with her nails, concentrated on them. She turned her head slightly in my direction and caught a glimpse of her pale blue eyes glistening in curiosity. If it weren’t for her eyes, I would have thought that she couldn’t care less but in the time that I have known Isa, she wasn’t like that. She cared. Period.

I let out a sigh and bit the inside of my cheek. It’s better now than never right?

“I made a promise to my sister, Jordan, back in the day.” I stopped and glanced at her. She looked intently at me, listening to every word I said.

“I suppose one would say that I should disregard it since it’s been so long but a promise is a promise and it was the least I could do after all she’d done for me. We did a promise circle, something her friends used to do and in turn, did it with me. She promised me that she would be with me always, and to take care of me.”

“I promised her that I would never hurt her, or steal the love of her life…” I trailed off and sneaked a peed at Isa who was leaning closer to me, her ocean blue eyes fixed on mine.

“And then?” Her voice was as soft as a feather; I even had to strain to hear it. It felt as if we were sharing some of my deepest, darkest, secrets and we had to make sure no one could hear.

“I—“, I stopped and winced. It felt as if someone was squeezing the life out of my heart. I gasped and shook my head. I could feel Isa staring at me, waiting for my answer but I couldn’t spit it out right away. I bit my lip and took a deep breath.

“I actually like—“

“Isa, Lisette, time to go.”

Every muscle, every joint stiffened at the sound of his voice. Why does he always come up in the most inopportune moments?

I turned to him and saw him raising his eyebrow at Isa and me. I forced a smile on my face and nodded before turning back to Isa whose jaw was on the floor. His footsteps receded and I felt my heart squeeze again. Her eyes showed sadness as well as happiness. It was a mixture of different emotions that even I couldn’t quite comprehend.

“You…?”

I forced another smile of my face, urging each and every muscle to show a grin.

“Yeah.”

“And…” At this point, I was getting teary eyed and all sniffly. Curse my emotions.

I gave out a bitter laugh and nodded my head. “Yeah.”

The two of us stared at each other, not daring to move a single inch. It felt as if we were communicating through our silence. She was telling me that it was okay to love him but I was telling her it wasn’t. I didn’t want to break my promise.

“Hey guys! We’re gonna go out now and—woah crap, what happened?”

We broke eye-contact and turned to look at Garrett at the same time. I was sure I was expressionless when I looked at him but my tear ducts were a dead giveaway. Isa didn’t even dare to hide her emotions. She was pissed at Garrett for butting in… I think.

I was about to explain what happened but Isa beat me to it, saying the words I didn’t even think about saying.

“Nothing. Where’re the guys?”

I sniffled and turned away from Garrett, blinking away the tears that would threaten my whole façade. Isa was still sitting on the couch, her legs crossed as she conversed with Garrett. She glanced at me briefly before shooting me an apologetic smile before returning her attention back to Garrett.

“Okay then uh, they’re outside. Waiting.” He motioned to the door with his hands and nodded, looking unsure what to do now.

“We’ll catch up,” Isa told him and he let out a breath I didn’t even know he was holding.

I heard his footsteps recede. The atmosphere became bearable again. It felt weird to discuss about Kennedy when the guys were around. It’s difficult to talk about love and life when the person you’re actually fretting about is in the same room. It doesn’t make any difference when that person’s close friends are in the room as well.

I wiped the last bit of tears I had with the back of my hand and took a deep breath, the air cold and crisp. Isa was now standing in front of me with worried eyes and a scowl painted on her face. I almost laughed at how ridiculous this was. Me, falling in love with my sister’s first love and that stupid promise and being sick, dying—

Not dying. Alive.

My life is one stupid melancholy drama and here I am, being the star of the show.

“I’m fine,” I muttered, fully knowing what Isa was going to ask me. I’m fine. Okay. Peachy maybe? But I’m definitely fine. At least that’s the lie I keep telling myself. God, why am I such a baby crying over this? Over a boy, over a twin, over a life… Ridiculous.

“I’d say, ‘okay’ but I think you and I both know that you’re lying.”

“There’s nothing to it,” I mumbled, already walking away from her. I rubbed my arms feeling the cold air get to me.

“Maybe you’re right, maybe you’re wrong. But there is something I’d like to know… what will you do about this whole mess you’re in?” I turned around and saw her cocking her hip to the side with a curious expression on her face.

What was I going to do?

“I honestly don’t know,” I replied. I heard her sigh but I didn’t bother turning around to see if she followed me outside.

I slid the door open and was instantly met with the cool breeze and the warm sun shining down on us. There were still trees everywhere I looked, shades of green all over the place. The place was huge and I’m not even exaggerating. There were around two hectares of land (as far as I could tell) and every single bit of it was trees, grass, or brown muddy soil. In the middle of it all was a lake, clear and wide as a giant’s mouth. It was like some giant left one big foot print only to be filled with water and fish and viola!, there’s a lake.

“Pretty big isn’t it?” I jumped at the sound of Isa’s voice coming from behind. I turned around abruptly and she was giving me a small smile.

“Took a while for Kennedy to find it but yeah, he did. All—“, Isa snapped her mouth shut and immediately looked away from me. I bit my lip and looked back at what was in front of me. A lake. A never-ending forest of trees. Birds. In all honestly, I didn’t need Isa to know what she was going to say after she stopped talking.

All for you. He did it all for you.

How the hell will that stop my heart from loving him any more? How the hell will that stop me from hating myself by doing so?

“And there’s the pretty big tower where we’ll bungee jump! Excited?” Isa bumped her shoulder to mine and offered me one of her brightest smiles I had ever seen. I guess it was her way to cheer me up a bit. We are here so might as well enjoy ourselves right?

I blinked at her statement and actually chuckled a bit. I laughed. For a girl who’s hurting, this is improvement! A bit.

“Definitely not. I feel like I’m already dying just by looking at that… tower.” I replied, finally looking at the said tower. It was around thirty stories tall made entirely out of wood and metal. From this point of view, it looked as if it was crumbling and me standing on top of that structure would be the cause of its great demise. Maybe this was a bad idea.

“What do you mean this is a bad idea? It’s your bucket list silly, try to live it up!” Isa slapped my back and nudged me forward, motioning for me to go with the guys. Curse my inner voice that was said out loud. I was acutely aware that Kennedy was somewhere there but I can’t really avoid him forever, can I? (Yes, I can.)

My feet, which were thankfully clad with sneakers, dragged my unwilling body to the group, which was situated right under the tower’s pointy roof, which was waiting for us. Isa linked her arm around mine, probably for support. If she wasn’t there, my legs would have already turned jell-o and this trip would have been for nothing.

My throat suddenly became the Sahara desert as I took in the sight in front of me. One big tower. One big lake. One group of guys who would witness me scream around. The end of my social life (as if I ever had one). God, help me.

“We’re here!” Isa enthusiastically announced which, of course, caught all of the guys’ attention. I didn’t mind their prying eyes but yeah, one pair bothered me exceptionally.

I dug my shoe around the soil and looked around, trying to calm myself. Whether it was Kennedy’s gaze on me or the fact that I was going to bungee jump, my heart wouldn’t cease its fast-paced beat.

“Great, then, who goes first?” Jared piped up. Now that was a very good question.

“Since this is Lisette’s bucket list, how ‘bout her?” I half choked on my saliva and looked up, looking for the source of that voice. To my surprise, and dismay, it was the one and only Kennedy Brock with a smirk on his face.

God, I hate him.