We Only Breathe for so Long

“This is so boring!”

I yawned and lifted another spoonful of cereal in my mouth. It’s been two weeks since Kennedy asked me to go on tour with him and it’s been a week since I’ve told him my answer which was “yes”.

“Why are you even here Isa?” It was really a surprise to wake up first thing in the morning seeing one of your friends casually watching television while you looked like a zombie come back to life.

Isa just shrugged and pursed her lips, flipping through the channels in hopes of finding a good show. I doubt it.

Streaks of sunlight peeked through the thin curtains, causing the room to have an eerie glow. The television was set on some channel showcasing kitchen products which I didn’t really care about. Isa groaned and tossed the remote somewhere beside her. She tucked in her knees and yawned. I glanced over at her and wondered what time she came here.

“How long have you been here?”

“Since 5 am.” I blinked twice.

“What?”

Isa turned to face me and gave me a half-smile. Just because she was my friend, does not mean that she has the right to barge in this house at that time in the morning. My mom would have killed her if she wasn’t a pretty lady who was my friend.

“I was getting bored of my house! I figured it would be more entertaining here but alas, it’s not.” I rolled my eyes and ate more of my cereal.

“Gee thanks.”

“No problem.” Isa said, pinching my cheeks. I swatted her hand away and rubbed the now pink-ish skin. That hurt.

I continued eating my cereal, getting more bored by the second. My mom left us to have some “girl time” while my Uncle was out. I have no idea where he went.

The lady in the tv kept babbling about some kitchen knife and how sharp it was and how good the grip was. Boring. Isa kept twirling her hair over and over in the same clockwise motion. Boring. This cereal tastes bad. Boring.
I finished eating my cereal and leaned on Isa’s shoulder, imagining dragons bursting through the walls. I was that desperate. And bored. I sighed then Isa sighed and it became one big sighing fest. It was 10 o’clock.

“Do you have any movies?” Isa asked.

“What kind?” I replied in a monotone voice.

“Any.”

“Uh there’s no such genre as ‘Any’.”

“Haha very funny Lisette.” I shrugged and closed my eyes. The band, plus Isa and I, were going to leave for tour in two days and I couldn’t contain myself. I would have never guessed that I would be going around the states with people who are more or less, special.

Since the band was going on tour, they had been awfully busy. Kennedy told me in advance that they wouldn’t be able to hang around that much anymore and that the bucket list thing had to be postponed until we were on the road. Which was in two days. Holy guacamole.

And so, the past two weeks had been really boring. No calls about eating for lunch with the band or going to some mall to explore. Majority of the days I spent reading some books and listening to some cds my mom had. I also went to Isa’s house a couple of times but it was boring there too. It’s funny how people change your life. Before, I wouldn’t care about these things at all but now… it seemed as if they are the only ones who complete me. Cheesy.

“I wonder what the guys are doing right now…” Isa trailed off. My thoughts snapped back into reality: the realm of boring.

“Probably tuning their guitars to practice another song.” I replied. She sighed and slouched further in her seat. I glanced at her face and to be quite honest, I didn’t expect her to look so lonely. I was here but then I wasn’t enough.

“You okay?” I asked, getting lonelier because of her lonely face.

“Define okay.”

“Well uh, um…” I trailed off knowing that even I wouldn’t be able to answer that. There are actually a lot of definitions of the word okay and for each person, it may vary. I didn’t want her to tell me if she was okay and the basis of that okay would be my standards.

Isa scoffed and placed a pillow on top of her lap. “I’m feeling tired that’s all.”
“John?”

Isa nodded. I licked my lips and looked up the ceiling, trying to divert her attention away from John. And that’s when it hit me. She still hasn’t told me about her and Garrett stalking Kennedy and me at the park.

“And right now I’m guess that you want to forget about him am I right?” She sucked in her breath and shook her head.

“Yes and no.”

“What?” This was confusing. She waved me off and urged me to continue with what I was supposed to say. As much as I support John and Isa, I’m not quite sure if their relationship is healthy for each other.

“Well anyway, I wanted to ask you about that incident where in you followed Kennedy and I.” I raised my eyebrows smirking at her. She scoffed and twirled her hair.

“It was an innocent act.”

“Innocent?! You were invading our privacy!” I half-yelled. I don’t know why I was getting so worked up over this issue. I mean, it happened two weeks ago for Christ’s sakes and yet I’m bringing it up.

Isa laughed and turned to look at me, her blue eyes gleaming. “Come on Lisette, it’s not like we saw you kiss or anything.”

“I—“I stopped and shut my mouth. That didn’t happen but why am I getting so flustered over it. I fumbled with my fingers and shook my head. I could feel Isa giggling over how ridiculous I looked. If only I could smack the life out of her but of course, John and Garrett would kill me.

“Shut up.” I mumbled at last, burying my face in one of the pillows in shame. She was getting on my nerves.

We stopped talking and just watched another advertisement about this curling iron and how it was supposed to make your hair absolutely fabulous. I beg to differ. We sat there in silence when we heard footsteps outside the house, loud and heavy. I stiffened and looked at Isa who was feeling alert as well. Mom wasn’t supposed to be home until 5 and my Uncle had some serious business.

“Lisette what are we going to do!” She hissed at me. I shook my head and glanced at the window. The shadow was just behind the door. I thought fast and grabbed the nearest object I could find. Isa did the same and we were ready to pounce on the victim. Even if we are girls, we had to defend ourselves. We weren’t going down without a fight.

“Ready?” I nodded fiercely and fixed my gaze on our door.

“1…” I took a deep breath and repositioned myself quietly.

“2…” The knob started to turn and my breath was caught in my throat. I heard Isa sneer at the sound. That scared me.

“3!” At the same time she said this, the door opened and the two of us threw the objects we had. I grabbed a pillow while she grabbed the remote and her bag.

They flew and hit the man right in the face. We high-fived each other and watched carefully as the man tried to stand up. Isa ran all the way to him and sat on him, making sure he doesn’t try anything funny.

“Lisette! Get the umbrella!” I jumped up and got one of the umbrellas from the rack and gave it to Isa. She pointed the umbrella at the stranger and poked his head. We couldn’t see his face since it was still buried in the pillow.

“Who are you and what do you want!”

“Get off me!” The person growled. My eyes widened when I realized who it was. I laughed out loud and clutched the door knob for support. I couldn’t believe this.

“What? No!” Isa retorted. I laughed even harder and approached them.

“I swear Isa, this isn’t funny!” The voice was clearly muffled which might be the reason why Isa didn’t recognize him.

“Of course this isn’t funny! You tried to break in—wait how did you know my name?” The confused look on Isa’s face was priceless.

“Come on Isa, leave the man alone.” I told her and patted her shoulder. She huffed and didn’t move an inch.

“Hell like I would.” She replied and crossed her arms.

I was about to tell her who the man she was sitting on really was when the door opened once again and in came the guy who made my heart skip a beat. Just kidding. Well a little.

“Kennedy!” I said, a little too enthusiastically.

“Lisette!” He grinned at me before looking over at Isa and… her position.

“Isa? What are you doing?” He looked as if he was torn on either laughing or helping out the poor guy sprawled on the floor.

“I’m sitting on the bad guy!” She replied, matter of fact. He chuckled and gently pulled her up.

“If you think that Garrett’s the bad guy, sure go ahead. But I don’t think he would like you sitting on him.”

“I—wait what?” Isa’s eyebrows were furrowed as she turned to look from Kennedy to the man who was still on the floor, fixing his hair.

Garrett was obviously not expecting either of us to tackle him on the ground like that. His face was flushed and his eyes were surprised yet terrified. I bit my lip as to not laugh at him. It would be rude if I do that.

“Really?!” Isa snapped at me who was laughing quietly to herself.

“I tried to stop you! You just wouldn’t listen.” I pointed out. She groaned and helped Garrett from the floor. There was something going on between them but I’d rather not say.

“So, what happened?” I snapped my attention back to Kennedy who was looking confused.

“Well,” I casually went over to him despite the flock of sheep running in my stomach. “We thought there was a burglar and decided to ambush him.”

He chuckled and shook his head.

“Garrett? Burglar?” I rolled my eyes and slapped his arm playfully.

“It was a common misconception!” I replied, defending myself with a pout. He only laughed some more.

“God, I’ve missed you.” He smiled at me with that crooked smile of his which in turn made my heart flutter. I was blushing and I had to act nonchalant.

“Of course you did.” I replied with a small smile on my face while I looked away. I will not guarantee him the satisfaction of seeing me being all flustered and giggly because of what he said. Nope. I am not permitting myself to do so.

After a few seconds of composing myself I turned to look back at him who had this big smile on his face. I smiled as well feeling happy that he was actually here talking to me. His hazel eyes were so mesmerizing, I could just stare in to them forever and that was exactly what happened. We stared at each other for so long, I thought it was forever. That was cheesy.

I heard someone clear their throat and that’s when I broke eye contact with him. That was… awkwardly cute.

“Aww, that’s so sweet you guys but let me ask: Are you guys done flirting? I would really love to know the reason why you guys are here.” Isa said pointing at Kennedy and Garrett.

I blushed a deep scarlet when she used the word flirting. We were definitely not flirting with each other. Kennedy didn’t seem fazed by the idea at all though.

“We wanted to ask you guys if you wanted to bungee jumping today.” My head snapped up to look at him. Was he serious? If he was then…

“Oh my god, yes! We’d love to! Right Lissy?” Isa looked at me, pleading with her eyes. I laughed and nodded. I would say yes either way. This was part of my bucket list and no way was I going to miss this opportunity to just live and let go.

“Great! We’ll meet you at John’s house. If that’s okay with you guys.” Kennedy looked over to me and Isa, thinking that we would object. I was fine with it but it was Isa who I was worried about. She did say that John was a very murky subject.

I was about to protest but Isa caught my off-guard.

“Sure! We’ll be there in around 15.” I gaped at Isa who only looked at me with a smile on her face but the thing was it didn’t reach her eyes.

“Alright. See you then.” Kennedy replied, dragging Garrett along with him. I crossed my arms and watched the two of them leave my house. The corners of my mouth were pulled down and I wasn’t even that aware of it until Isa pointed it out.

“Why are you frowning?” I bit my lip and shook my head.

“It’s nothing.”

“Really?” Isa raised her eyebrows while I shook my head again even if I knew the reason why. It was confusing. These feelings I was developing for a guy like Kennedy. We hardly knew each other but why did I care so much over the fact that he didn’t say goodbye?

“Yeah. I’ll just go change and get my phone upstairs. Will you change?” I asked Isa who looked down at her outfit before laughing.

“Definitely. I’ll be back in 10 so you better be done by then! Hey that rhymed!” Isa laughed again before grabbing her phone from the table. She placed it in her pocket before turning to me with a small smile on her face.

“I’ll see you later!” She said before skipping out the door, her hips swaying in the process.

Even if she acted all giddy and excited I knew that something was bothering her deep down inside and I was guessing John had something to do with it. With a sigh, I turned towards the stairs to change my clothes. I wasn’t up to wearing some pajamas when going bungee jumping.

I climbed up the stairs two of a time with my head in the clouds. So far I’ve ticked off three things from my bucket list. Seven more to go and we’re done…

“We’re done.” I mumbled to myself as I went inside my room, the gears in my head working.

After we were done with the bucket list, we won’t be together anymore. I mean, the only reason we’re even in this whole situation was because of my bucket list and when we’ve finally done everything on it, I doubt we’ll talk to each other again. Sure we have gotten to know each other a bit more but I think the only reason he’s even talking to me was because of Jordan. I groaned and walked over to my mirror, staring at my pale face. The blood was drained and my eyes looked dull and lifeless. They shouldn’t be that way.

I shook my head trying to clear those unwanted thoughts in my head and went over to my closet. Now’s not the time to think about unwanted goodbyes and unreturned feelings. I took out a pair of shorts and a nice shirt that expressed my love for peace.

I quickly put them on and searched my room for my phone. I let my hands run over the bed sheets, trying to figure out where I last put it. My hands felt nothing but soft sheets that covered my lonely bed. Confused, I went over to my mirror thinking I placed it on top of the table. No luck. Where did I leave it?

I tied my hair up into a ponytail and grabbed the house’s keys before going out of my room in search of my phone. Maybe I left it in Jordan’s room? I had been hanging around there for some time.

I went of my room and walked over to Jordan’s which still had boxes and boxes of things left untouched. The corners of my mouth twitched at the sight right before me. Nothing will ever be the same. Ever. I sighed and started to search the room: I looked at the dresser, the cabinets… everywhere.

Dust motes danced around the room as the sunlight bathed the room. This was supposed to be her room but now it felt empty. I wasn’t even supposed to be here but the thought of having Jordan’s memoirs with me gave comfort. I snapped out of my thoughts and focused on the task at hand. My phone.

“Where the hell is it?!” I groaned out in frustration and looked around some more. My search rendered no clues as to where my phone was and I was starting to think that maybe Isa got my phone instead of hers. I was about to give up when I saw one of the boxes open real wide. I haven’t looked in there…

Whenever I came to Jordan’s room, I would look at some photo albums and reminisce our time together. Even if it hurt looking at the past they brought back memories I wouldn’t dare forget.

I walked up to the back and sat down crossed legged and peered inside. Sure enough, my phone was inside vibrating from a call. I took it out and immediately answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Lisette! Can you go down and unlock the door? I’m scared of rapists.” I laughed and shook my head. That was fast.

“I’ll be right down.” I ended the call and tucked my phone in my pocket. I glanced at the box once again and saw a small red book with a locket. It was unlocked which was a little suspicious. Shouldn’t it be… locked? I raised my eyebrow and picked it up, looking at it from all angles. Looked like a diary. I tucked it under my arm and walked out of Jordan’s room. I’ll take a peek at this book later. Not to go through people’s privacy but Jordan wouldn’t mind… right?

I ran down the stairs and unlocked the deadbolt on the door to see Isa with her arms crossed. Her car waited by the curb and she was tapping her foot impatiently.

“Come on Lissy! We’re burning daylight!”

“Alright alright jeez.” I replied, locking the door in the process. She rolled her eyes at me and went right ahead inside the car. The Arizona sun was burning down on my skin and I wondered if our bungee jumping would bring about sunburn… of course it will.

I clutched the red book in my hands, containing myself until I get inside the car. Isa looked at me and raised her eyebrow, seeing the book I held in my hands.

“What’s that?” Isa unlocked the car doors and jumped inside. I sat down on the passenger seat and fixed the seatbelt. I wouldn’t want to die now. Not with my bucket list unfinished.

I looked at the red notebook in my hands and flipped it over and over, trying to prepare myself with its contents. I was sure this was Jordan’s. She loved red.

“I honestly don’t know. Something of Jordan’s I guess.” I mumbled. I peered at Isa from the corner of my eye and saw her nodding.

“Okay.”

We lurched forward, the silent hum of the engine accompanying us for the entire ride. Isa didn’t bother turning up the stereo for reasons I don’t know. She didn’t even say a single word to me. I was guessing she had some thoughts in her mind. Taking this as a cue, I opened the red notebook and the first thing I saw was Jordan’s handwriting saying: Property of Jordan. Do not read!

I turned the page and ignored the warning even if the guilt was slowly consuming me. I wanted to know more about Jordan. Because of my weak body I haven’t really gotten to know the twin I had. I never really had a glimpse of what her life was outside the hospital walls. This might be my only chance to know her better.

I flipped through several pages, stopping whenever one caught my eye. I read one entry about how she failed her bio exam and how she cried in a stall in one of the bathrooms at school. I read an entry where in she “accidentally” placed gum in Tifanny Sheppard’s hair, whoever she is. All in all, I laughed at some parts and at some parts I felt my heart getting squeezed by this unseen force. I wished I was there for her. She was always there for me but I was too weak. I felt bad for letting her endure all of this without her sister being there to help her get through it all.

I was sniffling but the tears wouldn’t come. I could feel Isa’s gaze on me but she didn’t ask why. She kept quiet and I thanked her for that. I wanted some time to think.

I flipped through some more pages trying to find a happy entry when I came across this particular page with red ink. I raised my eyebrow in confusion. All the other pages were written in black ink and this was the only one in red. I glanced at Isa and saw her eyes focused only on the road. Okay.

Dear J,

I don’t know how long it took me to notice it but… I’m in love.

Yes I know this is very overrated but I have to express my feelings in some way. Lisette isn’t here with me and I can’t even talk to my best friend about my feelings. As much as I wanted to confine in him I couldn’t. There was only one thing that was hindering me from doing so.

Fear.

The thing is: I love my best friend. Not that feeling were in you care about a person but I truly love him. This is the feeling where in you want something more from that certain person. It took a while for me to figure it out… but I did.

At first I disregarded it as something silly. Whenever I saw him with other girls and this pang in my heart would appear, I would think that I had some heart disease. Whenever he held my hand, my heart would beat faster but I blamed it all on the heat. Then my cheeks would turn tomato red whenever he would tease me about the most irrelevant things. It was nothing. That’s what I tried to tell myself but then I realized it was most definitely something.

No best friend would get mad if her best friend went on a date with a girl. She wouldn’t snap and yell at him for being a player when in fact it was his first date. Oh god, I was so ashamed. That’s when I realized that yes, I was in love.

I really thought that my feelings for him would stay the same but unfortunately, over the course of time, it changed. Now I’m hopelessly wishing he would feel the same but how could I confess when we were moving to a far away place? I know it’s all for Lisette but sometimes I couldn’t help but think: What about me? Wow, I am such a horrible person.

I better stop before I write something I would regret.

All in all, I fell in love with my best friend. I fell in love with Kennedy Brock.

I stopped reading, taking all of it in. Jordan loved Kennedy. For some odd reason my heart started to hurt and my breathing turned shallow. I… what was happening? I blinked back the tears forming behind my eyelids, perplexed why it was even there.

“Lisette, we’re here.” Isa’s voice brought me back to reality. She already jumped out of the car leaving me alone with my thoughts as well as my beating heart.

Jordan loved Kennedy. Kennedy loved Jordan.

“And I promise to never hurt my dear sister and, to never steal the love of her life.”

Then I remembered the promise I made to her.

Then I started to cry.

Then I realized that I loved Kennedy as well.