Smash Into Me

“Do you guys want to come with us to…dinner…I guess that’s what we’re going for, right, Si?” Kayleigh asked, looking over at her friend sitting upside down on the couch across from her.

“No.”

“No?” Kayleigh repeated.

“No,” Sierra said firmly. She slid off the couch and laid on the floor for a minute, ignoring the stares from everyone. She sat up finally, and turned to Kayleigh, looking her directly in the eyes, “It’s just gonna be you and me. No one else.”

“Glad to know you love us, Si,” Garrett noted from his spot at the table across from Kayleigh.

Sierra just shot a smile at Garrett before turning back to Kayleigh, “I’m serious. You and me.” Sierra wasn’t about to have The Maine ruin her plans of getting Kayleigh and Josh to talk. If they did ruin it, she’d actually kill all of them. She was sick and tired of bitchy Kayleigh. The only way to get rid of bitchy Kayleigh was to have Josh pull that stick out of her ass.

“Alright, jeez, I got it.”

The bus came to a slow stop. Sierra and Kayleigh both sprang up and threw themselves to the couch, pressing their faces against the window. “Hotel!” They yelled in unison. Everyone else on the bus shot glances at each other.

The girls scrambled out of the bus and to their bus. Bus fifty-three had gotten here before bus sixty-two, The Maine’s bus.

“Hey, girls,” Mike greeted as they climbed on the bus. Mike was the only one left on the bus, obviously he had stayed behind just to see the girls to their room. What a good tour manager. “You two are in room five forty-three,” He said, handing them both plastic keycards. “Don’t get in too much trouble, okay?”

“Okay, Mike,” Sierra said, tucking the plastic keycard into her back pocket. She brushed past him to go to her bunk. Hers and Kayleigh’s bags were sitting in the bunk. She grabbed both bags and made her way to the front. She tossed Kayleigh’s bag at her.

“Jesus, warn me next time,” Kayleigh groaned, picking the bag up off the floor. “Where are we even gonna go for dinner?”

“Dunno, wherever the wind takes us,” Sierra shrugged.

Kayleigh rolled her eyes and followed Sierra off the bus and in to the hotel. They silently made their way through the lobby and to the elevator, the lack of sleep creeping up on them and making its presence known in the form of yawns slipping out and drooping eyes.

“Should we go out to dinner?” Kayleigh asked as they step on to the elevator. Sierra pushed the button with a 5 on it.

“Yes,” She replied softly, leaning back against the back wall of the elevator. She shut her eyes for the ride up. As Kayleigh opened her mouth to say something like “let’s not”, Sierra held up her finger, her eyes still shut, “We’re going, and that’s final.”

Kayleigh let out a sigh and shook her head, “If you fall asleep on me wherever we go, I’m not dragging your ass back to the hotel.”

“That’s fine with me,” Sierra said as she stepped out of the elevator behind Kayleigh, following her down the hall to room 543. “You open it, I’m too lazy.”

“Of course you are,” Kayleigh muttered under her breath. She pulled out her keycard and swiped it, opening the door. “I’m gonna change.”

“You go do that, girl,” Sierra passed by her, giving her a thumbs up as she went. She threw her bag on the bed closest to the window. Sierra always had liked the beds close to the windows. Kayleigh did, too, but she always let Sierra have that bed. “I’ll be…here.”

Kayleigh laughed lightly and dropped her bag on the other bed. She opened it and dug through it. She pulled out a pair of dark jeans and her American flag shirt. She pulled a leather jacket from the bottom of her bag and threw it to the top of the bed. It was kinda chilly out there, and knowing Sierra and her, they were gonna wander for a while. A jacket was necessary.

She quickly stripped her dirty clothes off, then put on the clean ones. She peeked over at Sierra, noticing that she was typing away on her iPhone. Who the hell had she been texting?

“Are you gonna…get ready?” Kayleigh asked as she pulled on a pair of brown leather boots.

Sierra glanced up from her phone. She just waved a hand dismissively. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll meet you down in the lobby. Just gonna…change my pants. Yeah. Be down there in a minute,” She rambled on, dropping her phone down on the bed before going through her bag. “Go. Seriously, I’ll be there.”

Kayleigh grabbed her jacket off the bed and slipped it on. “You better fucking be,” She warned, pointing a finger at Sierra.

“I promise I will be.”

Kayleigh nodded and headed out of the room and down the hall towards the elevators. She pulled out her phone, needing something to keep her occupied in the lobby while waiting for Sierra. She lurked Facebook the entire elevator ride down, catching up on people back home through poorly worded status updates. While she loved being on the road, seeing the country, with her best friends, she really did miss home. She missed the lazy days spent around the house or down on the pier, when she didn’t have to get up after only four hours of sleep and sit an entire chaotic day in the sun. Home was simple.

The doors slid open and she stepped out. She walked over to the little sitting area, eyes still glued to her phone as she read a post from Sierra’s sister, Cheyenne. Not noticing Josh sitting, watching her, she took a seat in a chair across from him.

Josh eyed Kayleigh. She didn’t notice him, or maybe she did and was just ignoring him. Knowing her, it was the latter, Josh thought.

Josh cleared his throat. Kayleigh looked up, surprised. “Oh,” was all she said before going back to her phone. She quickly shot a text to Sierra telling her to get her ass down to the lobby as soon as she could.

Right after she had pressed send, Josh was up and in front of her, looking down. “Can…can we talk, please?”

“Why? So you can accuse me of sleeping with someone else?” Kayleigh snapped. She wanted to get up and go back up to her room, but Josh was standing right in front of her, preventing her from even moving her legs.

Josh let out a heavy sigh, “I’m sorry.”

Kayleigh narrowed her eyes, “What?”

“I’m really sorry,” He said as he took a seat next to her. “I’m…so stupid for thinking that you would ever do that to me. You know, Devin almost beat the shit out of me for being so stupid. I wish he’d done it, too. I jus – ”

Kayleigh thought fuck it and stood, shoving Josh out of the way. Josh stumbled back a bit, bumping the backs of his knees lightly into the end of the table. He watched Kayleigh run to the elevator and hit the button about twenty times.

He started to make his way over to her when she pointed at him. “I swear to God, if you follow me, I’ll fucking rip your balls off,” She threatened.

Josh sighed and headed to the stairs. He was following her despite her threat. He needed to talk to her, and he wasn’t about to wait until she came around. Who knows when that would’ve been.

Kayleigh stormed down the hallway to her room. She banged on the door, screaming for Sierra to “open this motherfucking door before I break it down.”

Sierra opened the door a crack, looking like she’d just rolled out of bed. “What are you doi – ” Kayleigh shoved her way into the room. Sierra slowly shut the door behind her.

“What the hell, Sierra? Were you behind that!?” Kayleigh screamed.

“Behind what?”

“You know what I’m fucking talking about! Don’t play dumb!”

Sierra’s eyes widened a bit, “Oh, that.”

"'Oh, that?'” Kayleigh echoed.

“You weren’t supposed to come back up here! You two were supposed to talk things out, then go back up to his room or whatever and fuck like crazy, dammit!” Sierra exclaimed, throwing her arms up. “You,” She said, now pointing at Kayleigh, “You are fucking frustrating! Just listen to the damn boy! He’s sorry! I know you really like him. I know you want to forgive him. God, I know you better than you know your fucking self!”

“How the hell can I forgive him? He accused me of cheating on him with John,” Kayleigh said as she sat down on her bed. She had sounded like every inch of life was taken out of her.

“He was just…insecure,” Sierra said softly. “I don’t think that’s the right word, though. But you get what I mean, right?”

“I guess. It doesn’t excuse him.”

“You need to talk to him about all of this. I am not playing messenger.” Sierra grabbed a jacket lying on the end of her bed and slipped it on. “Now, I’m going down to the bar with the guys. You’re welcome to come after you’ve worked things out with Josh.”

“But – ”

“I mean it,” Sierra warned, pointing a finger at Kayleigh. “I wouldn’t be making you do this if I didn’t think he was sorry, and you know that. Just…please.”

Kayleigh nodded wearily, “Okay.”

Sierra gave a weak smile and left the room, nearly bumping into Josh as pulled the door shut behind her. “Dammit,” She cursed under her breath.

Josh backed up a bit and motioned to the room behind Sierra, “Oh, uh, is Kayleigh in there?”

“Yes,” Sierra nodded, pulling out her keycard. She shoved it into his hand before saluting him and wandering off down the hallway.

“Huh,” Josh watched her, amused, as she turned the corner, singing something loud enough for him to hear. She was something else. He turned his attention back to the keycard in his hand. His fingers curled around the edges of the card, encasing it in the palm of his hand. He didn’t know if he wanted to go in; didn’t know how she’d react to seeing him enter the room instead of Sierra; didn’t know if he wanted to scream and fight with her tonight.

He felt like he was fighting a losing battle.

Stuffing the keycard into his back pocket, he let out a shaky sigh. Not tonight. Possibly tomorrow. Kayleigh would’ve had enough time to cool off by then. They could talk nice and calm, hopefully.

As he turned to head down the hall to the elevator, the door clicked open, the sound filling the entire hallway. Josh hadn’t noticed how deafening the silence was until the sound had disappeared, making the hallway quiet as hell again. The silence seemed even worse now that he’d turned around and met Kayleigh’s stare.

There was no noise from either of them, each waiting for the other to speak.

Josh swallowed hard, stepping back to Kayleigh standing the door of the hotel room. “I’m sorry,” He said. The words tucked themselves into the space between the two, waiting for Kayleigh to grasp onto them.

“Do you want to go for a walk?” Kayleigh asked. She stepped into the hallway and shut the door behind her.

Josh smiled, “Yeah, I do.”

*

“So you went to Sierra for help, huh?”

“Yeah.” Josh noticed Kayleigh stuff her hands in her pockets, and held back the sigh that wanted to escape. She must’ve noticed his hands swinging and ghosting towards hers. Too soon for that.

“Of course you did. She wouldn’t have helped you otherwise,” She said.

Josh forced out an uncomfortable laugh, then nodded. “Yeah…” He said slowly. He didn’t know how to pick the conversation back up. The air between them was awkward, yet neither of them said anything. They just continued to walk down the sidewalk, to God knows where, in total silence with their hands stuffed in their pockets and gazes locked firmly on the sidewalk.

Tired of the silence, Josh let out a long sigh and stopped. He grabbed Kayleigh’s arm, pulling her back to him. Kayleigh turned and stood in front of him, eyes looking everywhere but his. Now or never, Josh thought. He hooked his finger under her chin and tilted it up.

Kayleigh’s eyes widened as Josh’s lips landed on hers. She stared at him for a moment, her brain overloading. She wanted this. But she was mad at him. Kisses couldn’t make up for calling her a whore.

Palms pressed against Josh’s chest, Kayleigh shoved him away. “No.”

“No?” Josh asked.

“No,” Kayleigh repeated. “You called me a whore, Josh. I – no.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry I thought I could just…kiss you and make everything all better. I’m a complete twat,” Josh said, laughing a bit to himself. “Everything I’m doing is wrong. You know what? Here, take this and…I don’t know.” Josh pulled a folded up piece of paper out of the back pocket of his pants and shoved it at Kayleigh. He turned around and headed back to the hotel, hands stuffed in his pockets, shoulders hunched a bit, and head ducked down. He looked and felt defeated.

Kayleigh stared down at the folded piece of paper in her hands. Feeling that damn lump that always climbed her throat right before she started to cry, strangling her, she stuffed the note in her pocket and headed in the opposite direction of Josh. There had to be a diner around here somewhere. She was going to sit, read whatever was burning a hole in her pocket, emotionally stuff her face, and she wouldn’t give a damn what anyone else thought of her.

After walking straight down the sidewalk for a good twenty minutes, Kayleigh found the diner she knew had to be around here. The sign was still flipped to open, so she marched right in, asking for that little empty table in the corner.

She ordered pancakes and eggs – home weighing heavily on her mind. She missed her mother’s home cooked meals, breakfast especially. She made the best pancakes and bacon. No diner in America could even hold a candle to her mother’s breakfasts. She missed how her mother would hum to herself while the bacon was sizzling and Kayleigh was getting herself a glass of raspberry tea.

She found herself thinking of home more and more. Maybe touring wasn't for her. That was a thought for another day, though, because that note was burning a hole through her pocket. She pulled that damn piece of paper and her phone out. Only one missed call from Sierra. She must’ve seen Josh in the hotel without her.

“I miss you” was all she sent to her mother before setting the phone to the side.

Kayleigh picked up the piece of paper and slowly unfolded it. Blue ink scratched across the page. Josh didn’t have the best handwriting.

Kayleigh’s eyes floated across the page, reading Josh’s note line for line. That lump scratched its way back up her throat halfway through.

“All I want to do is write a song, but everything I say just comes out wrong.
I guess I'll just throw my thoughts away, maybe pick them up another day.
I just lost control.
I just wanted you to know, when I'm on my own, I feel invisible.
I just lost control.
I just needed you to know, when in front of you, I feel invincible.

I want to write a song that makes you smile
One that keeps you around for a while
I wish for the small things
Like losing this feeling
I've seen this coming
I've seen you leaving.

I know I've said and done some things that made you feel a little empty.
I've got a whole lot to learn.

I’m sorry. x.”

It felt like someone had kicked her in the stomach, and wrapped their hands around her throat.

She stared at the note, rereading and rereading it, each time feeling so much closer to breaking down and crying. She didn’t notice when her waitress came over and placed a plate of scrambled eggs and pancakes in front of her. All that mattered to her right now was that note – Josh’s heart on paper in her hands.

She set it down carefully next to her, almost as if she was afraid she was going to shatter Josh’s heart if she set it down too hard, and grabbed her phone.

“Come to the diner down the street please. I want to talk to you.”

The plate in front of her went untouched as she waited for Josh. Her appetite had been thrown right out the window the moment she read the first line.

The little bell above the door rang and Kayleigh’s head immediately snapped up. Josh was there, looking quite out of breath, talking to the waitress and pointing to the back booth Kayleigh was sitting in. Kayleigh offered up a weak smile as Josh walked over to her.

“Hi,” He said as he slid in the seat across from her. He noticed the note sitting slightly to the right of her hand on the table. “So, yo – ”

“I feel invincible, too,” Kayleigh said softly.