I Could Never Pretend

“And what time do you call this!?”

“Sorry Steve! I overslept. I think I’m still jetlagged from flying back from England.” Amelia apologised profusely as she stood on Steve’s doorway, waiting for her to let him in. Two little dogs were jumping up and down, excited by the visitor.

“I don’t mean the time today, I mean where the hell have you been for the past three months!” He demanded in his raspy voice, trying to maintain a serious expression on his face.

“I’m sorry Steve. I’m a rubbish friend.” She sighed, before he pulled her into a bone crushing bear hug, only exciting the dogs further

“It’s ok. I think I can forgive you.” He laughed after he let her go. “Come on in and meet Walter and Bernie.” He motioned for her to follow him into the apartment, calling the dogs to heel. Steve was still in the sober living complex but he had been clean for seven months and looking all the better for it. He had even re-homed two rescue dogs. Amelia smiled as he gestured for her to sit down and offered her a soda. She was happy to see her friend looking so well.

“So how was England?” he asked, joining her on the sofa. They had spoken briefly over the phone during the past few months but Amelia had been a little hazy on the details, preferring to talk about Steve rather than the blossoming romance between her and Johnny.

“It was great thanks.” She grinned. “It was nice to see my parents again and...”

“And Knoxville?” Steve cut her off, grinning.

“What about him?” Amelia laughed, trying not to blush at the mention of Johnny’s name.

“Are you two, you know...”Steve pretended to hump the arm of the couch, earning a smack from Amelia.

“Steve!” she exclaimed. “Don’t be so crude.”

Steve simply shook his head, giving her a ‘what do you expect’ look before folding his arms dramatically, awaiting the details.

“Fine.” She sighed but she couldn’t suppress her laughter. “Be as crude as you like, who am I to try and change you.” She stuck her tongue out, but Steve was still not satisfied.

“Come on Amelia, you know the deal. I stay sober for you and in return you give me all the gory details.” Amelia looked pointedly at Steve and he shrugged his shoulder. “Ok, Ok, so I’m not just staying sober for your benefit.” He corrected himself with a grin. “But you still have to spill the beans.”

“Are you sure you’re not a woman?” Amelia raised an eyebrow. “I thought it was us girls who liked to gossip.”

“I could do the double back for you if it would make you feel more comfortable sharing your sex life with me?” Steve offered with a smirk.

Amelia shook her head definitely. “I do not need to see that again Steve. Once was more than enough. I still haven’t recovered.” She closed her eyes and tried to block out the image of Steve’s favourite party trick.

“Jeez Amelia, there’s no need to be so rude about my lady bits.” Steve cried in mock offence.
Amelia elbowed him playfully and took a sip from her coke can. She had missed Steve more than she had expected. Spending time with him always took her mind off what was going on in the rest of her life and for this she was extremely glad. She had already told Steve about Bam over the phone when she had called to arrange this visit. She had her first appointment with Johnny’s solicitor later that afternoon and she was thankful that Steve wasn’t bringing the custody issue up. As much as she had been trying to ignore the problem, it was still dwelling in the back of her mind and she hoped that speaking to the solicitor would make her feel better. Now, every time she looked at her son she felt dread wash over her, as she couldn’t help but imagine what would happen if a judge were to take Bam seriously. She could not lose Brandon.

“So...I’m still waiting.” Steve nudged her, bringing her back from her thoughts.

“You know, I’m sure you could just call Johnny up and do this via guy talk instead of sitting here trying to embarrass me.” Amelia laughed but stopped in horror as Steve pulled out his phone.

“What a brilliant idea, thanks!”

“No, I was joking Steve, don’t...” She trailed off hopelessly as he started to ring Johnny. Amelia knew Johnny would pick up because he said he was going into the office today before meeting up with her to see the solicitor. It was Amelia’s day off and she had left Brandon at Laura’s for a few hours.

“Hey dude, what’s up?” Steve grinned into the phone and proceeded to start a casual conversation with Johnny. Amelia could not hear Johnny on the other line but she felt her face glow red as Steve started to talk about England.

“Yeah I just called for a quick catch up. I’m seeing Amelia soon but I didn’t want to put my foot in it, so to speak, so I figured I’d just check in and see how things are with you guys.” Amelia had to hand it to the guy; he could be subtle when he wanted to be, subtle and very convincing.

“Ah no she won’t mind dude. She’ll probably be glad that you’ve already filled me in. It will make it less awkward for her.” Steve winked at Amelia.

“Steve, stop it!” Amelia hissed, wanting to curl up in a corner and disappear. She could only imagine what Johnny would tell him.

“What? Oh no that was just Walter.” Steve laughed, ignoring Amelia and explaining away the hissing noise by blaming it on one of the dogs. “So what was I saying? Oh yeah; you and Amelia. So what’s the deal? ...Yeah of course I’ll keep it on the down low... You are? Oh that’s great.” Steve turned to Amelia grinning and gave her the thumbs up with his free hand.

“So have you shagged her yet?” Steve asked bluntly, making Amelia cringe. He saw this and it only encouraged him further.

“Speakerphone?” he mouthed to Amelia and she shook her head in horror. “Suit yourself.” He mouthed again and continued his conversation with Johnny.

“Oh come on tell me dude, I’m your bro! It will go no further. I promise... Seriously dude I promise I won’t tell her that you told me.” Steve looked so proud of himself. If he hadn’t been trying to humiliate Amelia she would have found it quite funny.

“Yes! Nice one dude. Way to go! ... Any details? ... No? ... Fair enough, I understand. Well I’m really happy for you guys. You should drop by sometime soon... At the weekend? Yeah, look forward to it! ... Yeah I know, you’re a busy man. Well it was nice to chat... You too... Catch you later dude.” And with that Steve tossed his phone aside and smiled innocently at Amelia.

“See, that wasn’t so hard was it?”

“You’re a piece of work, you know that Steve-O?” Amelia folded her arms. She wasn’t annoyed with Johnny for telling Steve, they were friends after all, she just wished she didn’t have to be around to hear the one sided exchange. Still, it could have been worse. Steve could have put Johnny on speakerphone and she really didn’t want to hear it from the horse’s mouth, so to speak.

“That’s why you love me.” Steve batted his eyelids innocently. “And you can’t fault my methods. They get results.” He winked at her.

“Ok fine Steve, you know that me and Johnny are sleeping together. Can we please change the subject?” Amelia sighed exasperatedly.

“Well sure. But you know, the jokes on you. I didn’t really ring Johnny.” He showed her the call history on his phone and sure enough, the last outgoing call had been made to her that morning. “I think you’ll find that I just called your bluff.” Steve looked ecstatic. Amelia’s face fell. She had been well and truly pranked.

“You are an ass Steve.” She scolded. “I can’t believe I fell for that!” She had to admit, it was very clever of him, but she was annoyed with herself for not having her wits about her. She would have to remember in future, trust no one.

“It’s good to know I’ve still got it, but you know you could have made that a whole lot easier for yourself by just telling me in the first place.” Steve smirked. “Or are you all nervous and embarrassed. Aww that’s so cute.”

Amelia threw a cushion at Steve but it missed and the dogs ran after it.

***

“I shouldn’t laugh, but that is actually pretty funny.” Johnny grinned after Amelia told him about Steve’s prank. They were in his car driving through down town LA to the solicitor’s office. “I can’t believe you fell for it though. Did you really think I would just tell him that we had sex?”

“I don’t know.” Amelia shrugged. “Don’t you guys talk about that kind of stuff?” She looked out of the window at the buildings rushing past. She was more than a little nervous about how this meeting would go.

“Well yeah...” Johnny admitted. “But you’re not supposed to know that.” He chuckled to himself and put a reassuring hand on Amelia’s knee. “You fancy a takeaway at Jeff’s after this meeting? Or we could just pick Brandon up and I’ll take you home if you’re feeling stressed?”

“No let’s go to Jeff’s. I’d like that.” Amelia smiled. “I’m sure I’ll feel a lot better once this meeting is over and done with.”

“That’s the spirit.” Johnny squeezed her knee.

Before she knew it, they had pulled up in a car park behind an office building and Johnny started rooting through his pockets. Amelia watched curiously as he found what he was looking for and swapped his shades for his proper glasses. “Ahh that’s better. Serious Knoxville.” He grinned before pulling a stern face and putting his hands on his hips.
Amelia laughed and gave him a quick hug before climbing out of the car. “Thanks PJ. All I seem to do lately is thank you. You’re just too damn helpful.”

“Well I can stop if it’s causing you an issue.” He joked and put his arm around her shoulder as they made their way to the entrance of the building.

“I thought I told you not to change.” She laughed. Johnny removed his arm from her shoulder and took her hand instead, squeezing it gently.

“You’re really not going to like my surprise then.” He whispered.

“Why, what is it?” She glanced at him as they walked through the automatic doors of the office.

“I’m getting a sex change.” He said, sounding deadly serious for a second or two, after which he doubled over and the whole room was filled with the sound of his infectious laughter.

“Oh you’re terrible Johnny.” Amelia shook her head but she found herself laughing too. It was unavoidable in his presence and she hung back to compose herself while Johnny went ahead to the reception desk.

“Hello Mr Knoxville.” The woman behind the desk smiled, obviously familiar with Johnny.

“Hi Cathy, my friend Ms Jones has an appointment to see Mr Clark.” Amelia heard Johnny say. She was so grateful for him being here with her. She really didn’t want to go through all of this alone.

“Oh yes he’s expecting you. Follow me.” Cathy smiled and Johnny held out his hand for Amelia to take.

They made their way down a long corridor before coming to a stop outside a well polished oak door, which was inscribed with the name Mr H Clark, Family Law. Amelia had already gathered that Johnny had used the services of Harry Clark when he had been going through his divorce with Mel. Although from what she had heard, their situation had been significantly more agreeable than Amelia and Bam’s.

“Mr Clark, Amelia Jones is here to see you.” Cathy popped her head around the door and after receiving the go ahead from her boss, she stood back to let Amelia and Johnny enter.

“PJ! It’s good to see you again!” Amelia looked over at the man at the desk who was obviously on first name terms with Johnny. She had expected an older, more official looking guy, but instead she found herself face to face with a man who could be no older than Johnny, with a big sparkling grin and wearing an expensive looking suit.

“Hey Harry.” Johnny grinned and approached the desk to shake the man’s hand. “Long time no see.”

“I know.” Harry nodded and gestured for the two of them to take a seat at the desk. “How did the movie go? The last time you were here was to sign the contract.”

“Yeah, it went great thanks.” Johnny turned to Amelia. “Harry and I are old friends. He specialises in family law but he helps me out with all the legal film shit too.” He explained.

“It’s nice to meet you Amelia.” Harry smiled and reached over to shake her hand too. “PJ has filled me in on your situation and I’ve had some time to work on it.”

“Thank you.” Amelia smiled. Harry seemed like a nice man and he put her at ease with his casual attitude and calming demeanour.

“Would either of you guys like a coffee before we get started?” Amelia and Johnny nodded and Harry buzzed the request through to Cathy. “Right then. “ he slapped his hands down on the table forcefully. “Let’s begin. First things first, I have all the documents you need to get started with the divorce which you can complete in your own time. I will also notify Mr Margera of your wishes and no doubt we shall be hearing from his people sooner or later.” Harry paused as Cathy brought the coffees in and waited until she had left to continue. “Do you have any questions about the divorce proceedings?”

“Not right now.” Amelia replied. Johnny had offered to go through it with her some time.

“Alrighty then. Now this is an unusual case because your husband has gone right ahead and filed for custody without divorce. So for now we’ll put the divorce to one side and focus on the issue at hand. You want to object to Mr Margera’s file for sole custody so I’ve drawn up a letter to send to his solicitor and to West Chester County Court informing them of this.” Harry passed a copy of the letter over to Amelia and Johnny for them to read. “That’s basically just a formality. The main thing will be the hearing in January. That is, if Mr Margera still wishes to go ahead.” Harry began to talk them through the proceedings and Amelia filled him in with any additional information about her relationship with Bam that could be used to build a case against him.

After he was finished Amelia felt relieved. “You are extremely likely to win this case Amelia. In fact, based on what you’ve told me about your husband you would have a good chance of gaining sole custody yourself if you decided that was for the best.

Amelia shook her head. “I don’t want to stop Bam from seeing him.” As angry as Bam made her, Amelia did not have it in her to stop him from seeing his son and it was not fair on Brandon either.

“Of course not. But like I said, I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about. I will keep in touch and if it does go to court I’ll arrange you a lawyer over in Westchester.”

Amelia and Johnny thanked Harry for his time and help and made their way back to the car. They walked in silence as the meeting had left Amelia with a lot to think about. Harry had certainly put her mind at rest with his confidence in her chances of stopping Bam. Now all she had to do was fill in the divorce papers and wait until the court case at the end of January. That was, of course, if Bam had not changed his mind by then. It would not be the first time.

It wasn’t until Johnny had started driving that he broke the silence. “Meels?” He glanced over at her.

Amelia was shaken from her thoughts and turned to look at Johnny, feeling a little guilty for practically ignoring him up until now “Yeah?”

“You wanna prank Jeff?”

Amelia took one look at the childlike and mischievous expression plastered across Johnny’s face and she broke into a huge smile.