Dirty Little Secrets

--John--

The next morning I carefully unwrapped Danny’s arms from around me and picked up her cell phone. I texted Carlos to meet Danny (really me) at the park a few blocks away. When I arrived, I saw him looking around for her as I walked up to him.

“Hey, John is it?” He said and shook my hand. I reluctantly shook it.

“Yeah. Can I talk to you about something?”

He nodded and we sat on opposite sides of a nearby bench. “What is it you wanted to talk about?” He started to light up a cigarette.

“Can I bum a smoke?” I asked him before cutting to the chase. He handed me one and a lighter. I blew out a cloud of smoke. “Are you in love with Danny?”

He looked at me quickly then looked away and took another drag. “No.”

“Well I know why you would be. She’s amazing. She makes people feel like they’re the only one in the world that matters. And she doesn’t judge anyone for their faults. Someone like her only comes along once in a life time.”

“What are you trying to do?” Carlos asked.

“I’m trying to get you to admit that you love her.”

“And what if I do?”

I shrugged. “That really isn’t up to me. I know how I feel about her and you know how you feel about her.”

“What are you saying? You’d let her choose between you and I? I don’t know why she wouldn’t pick you.”

“Curiosity, maybe. I’m the only guy she’s ever been in love with. Who’s to say she doesn’t want to step out of the box?”

“You’d be okay if she picked me?”

“No. I’m always going to love her, no matter if she chooses someone besides me.”

“Why would you let her choose then? Why don’t you want to keep her and not give her a choice?”

“Because there’s a possibility that she doesn’t want me. And that scares the living shit out of me.”

“Don’t you want to fight for her?”

“You can’t contain someone like her. I proposed to her to keep her mine but I think all I did was push her away. And I know she feels something for you.”

It pained me to ever think about letting Danny go. But to sit here and talk to someone else that’s in love with her was just beyond me. But I had to know. Carlos had to know. We walked back to Danny’s apartment together and she was sitting up on the blow up mattress while Jared was making toaster waffles.

“John, where’d you go?” She said and her face lit up.

“Can you come out here for a second?”

She obeyed and walked out into the hallway to see Carlos standing there. “What is this?” She asked.

“I want you to go on a date with Carlos.”

She looked at me as if to beg me not to do this, then she became confused. “John, what’s going on?”

“Look, I’m not stupid. I know you like him. And instead of making you resent me for holding you hostage, I want you to make your own decision.”

--Danny--

After minutes of trying to talk John out of his ridiculous plan, he wasn’t budging so I finally agreed to have Carlos take me out to dinner. Yeah, I liked Carlos more than I should have, but I never felt like I was being held hostage nor did I ever want to actually be with anyone besides John. But the most awkward part was getting ready for a date I wasn’t going on with John in front of him, Eric and Jared.

“You look...nice…” Eric said when I walked out of the bathroom.

“John, I don’t want to do this.”

“Pretend like you’re not dating me.”

“Are you kidding me? This is stupid.”

A knock came at the door and I answered it before one last silent plea. What the fuck was John even thinking? Why is he making me go on a date I don’t even want to go on?

Carlos and I arrived at a high end Italian restaurant and I hated to admit that I was having a pretty good time. Now that John knew about him and was making me go on a date, I didn’t really feel guilty about having a good time this go-round.

“Is this as weird for you as it is for me?” He asked and took a drink of his soda.

“Extremely. If not more.” We laughed together and I caught a glimpse of his white teeth. “So what’s going to happen after all this? With John and everything?”

“How should I know?” He said and chuckled. “He’s got his own thing going on and he only has his sights set right in front of him. I guess that’s why you two are together.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He shrugged. “Once you know what you want, you’re gonna do anything you can to get it. And he’s like that too. You guys make a good couple.”

“Thanks? So why did you start to like me?” I had a crooked smile on my face and my arms were crossed in front of me while I waited for him to talk.

“Well, I started liking you when I thought you didn’t have a boyfriend, or a fiancé at that, which is all your fault by the way. I don’t know what it was about you. You were different –”

“I was different than any girl you’ve ever met, right?”

“I’m not bullshitting you. You are. I wondered why you didn’t have a boyfriend – little did I know, right?” He paused for me to giggle. “And I don’t know. I thought you’d be a cool girl to chill with and talk to and everything. Maybe I’m not in love with you after all. Maybe I was just love struck.”

“I don’t blame you for liking me. It’s pretty easy to do.” I leaned back and put my arms in front of me to stretch. “Considering I am pretty awesome.”

“You’re so modest,” he said with his toothy smile. “You know, you are pretty amazing. I’ve never had this much fun with a girl with a boyfriend before.”

“Since John told me I was supposed to pretend like I wasn’t dating him, would it be okay if I kiss you?”

“It would be more than okay.” He smiled as I leaned across the table, turned his face to the side and kissed his cheek. “Oh, you’re going to play me like that?”

I shrugged. “I didn’t say where. You were being sweet so I thought you deserved one. But I bet that’s how you draw all the ladies in.”

“I admit, I have said some lame cheesy things in my life. But I always mean everything I say.”

After dinner and many fueled conversations, we started heading out. “Well, I had a very nice time with you tonight.”

“We’re not done.”

“We’re not?”

“Oh no.”

We took a taxi across the city and stopped in front of Radio City Music Hall. “It says the hours are over at 3.”

“Oh, damn.” He didn’t seem fazed, just took my hand and took me around the corner.

“Hey Carlos,” this beefy guy said that was standing in a doorway, then opened it up for us.

“I know some people,” he said before I could ask any questions. I held onto his arm as we stopped in the middle of pitch darkness. “Stay right here.”

“Yeah, because I can see to move somewhere.”

He shushed me playfully then suddenly the lights came on and I saw that I was standing on stage. He came out from side stage with an acoustic guitar.

“Are you going to play me a song?”

“Is that too cliché?”

“It’s happened to me before.”

“And I see it led to somewhere good.”

We sat down across from each other and he began to play the guitar. I watched as his fingers moved intricately along the fret board and before he began singing, I planted a kiss on his lips.

****

To make things a little bit more fun and a lot more awkward, Eric and Jared decided to put on a contest show. It was just like Miss America or something along those lines. There was a swimsuit portion, a dress up portion, a talent portion, and then they had to basically state why I should pick either one.

Jared and Eric judged the dress up and swimsuit portions because they thought my opinion would be biased. John ended up winning the dress up and Carlos won the swimsuit contest. For the talent contest, Carlos played the same song he did the other night at Radio City and John put on the Pussycat Dolls and started dancing to Don’t Cha. Of course I voted for the dance moves, but Jared picked Carlos’s song and Eric was the deciding vote.

“I gotta go with John,” Eric said. “He gets up there and embarrasses himself but he makes it look cool. That’s talent right there.”

With John in the lead, Carlos was first to speak. “I think you should pick me because we’d have a lot of fun together. You’d never feel like you were a hostage if you were with me. We’ve had a lot of meaningful conversations and you know me better than my own family does. I don’t open up to people a lot. So opening up to you says a lot right there. You’re everyone’s dream girl and I’d love it if my dream became a reality.”

I smiled at him as he sat down on the barstool. John stood up next and looked at the floor, then he looked at me like I was the only one in the room.

“I shouldn’t have to stand in front of people as a testimony to how I feel about you. You know how I feel about you. But if this is a hard decision for you, then I’ll leave. I don’t want to make your life complicated. If you have to think about something like this so hard, it’s obvious the choice is not me. I’ll always love you, Danny. No matter what you choose.”

Jared, Eric and I were conspiring and talking it over in the bathroom while Carlos and John sat in the kitchen together. The truth was, I had made up my mind after Carlos and I kissed at Radio City. And after Carlos spoke, I knew what I wanted.

“Carlos,” I said when I came out of the bathroom. I had a smile on my face as he walked over to me and gave me a meaningful hug. I looked at John’s hurt face and didn’t know how I was going to break it to him. “Carlos,” I said again. “I like you. A lot.” I began smiling more than I already was. “But nothing compares to how I feel about John. There’s no one in the world I’d rather be with than John. He means everything to me. He is my everything. I’m sorry Carlos.”

He looked down at the ground and nodded and walked past John and out the door as John ran over to me and picked me up into the air. “I love you so much,” he said.

“I love you. Now how many times do I have to tell you I’m never going to change the way I feel about you? Not even a cool guy like Carlos.”

He shushed me. “Don’t bring up anyone else anymore.”

“I won’t. You’re the only person I’d ever want to see by my side with gray hair and grandchildren running around us. I want you to be my first and last everything.”