Dirty Little Secrets

--Danny--

It had been about a month since the wedding and I hadn’t really spoken to John other than when I brought Daisy to his house. He was bringing her back today and I’d made plans with her friends’ moms to have a get together at Chuck E. Cheese.

“Hola,” he greeted rather cheerily as he walked up to the porch where I was sitting. I gave him a small smile as I turned my attention to Daisy.

“Are you ready to go?”

“Go? Where are you going?” He asked.

“Uh, she’s going to hang out with her friends at Chuck E. Cheese.”

“Oh. Can I come?”

“I-I mean, I guess. If you really want to.”

I hated to admit to myself how juvenile it was of me to have butterflies in my stomach as he sat next to me in the car. I also hated how juvenile it was that I couldn’t tell him how I felt.

John and I were standing next to each other talking and laughing as we watched Daisy play with her friends and Laura and Carly’s moms were a few feet away talking to each other.

“So how long have you two been married?” Rachel, Carly’s mom, asked.

“Oh we’re-” I started but John quickly took over.

“We’ve been married for almost four years now.” I looked at him suspiciously for a moment then looked at them with a smile.

“Yep. Four years this October.”

“Wow, you got married when you were 23?”

“Yeah, I mean we’d been dating since we were 17. And I just love her so much,” he side-hugged me and kissed the top of my head.

We continued the conversation and it led to topics such as the fact that we had Daisy so young and how successful our so-called “marriage” was for being so young.

“Why’d you do that?” I asked him once we were alone.

He shrugged. “Why not? I needed some excitement in my life.”

“And that excitement is going to come from faking a marriage with me?”

“Yeah. You know, a while ago that wouldn’t have been too far of a stretch.”

I stared at him for a moment then two giant pizzas were set down in front of us.

“Dais, tell your friends it’s time to eat,” John said.

Once all the tickets were traded in for prizes, we were headed back home. I just wish john were there to stay.

“So, you got any ice cream?” He asked, making his way to my kitchen. As much as I didn’t oppose him being here, it was odd.

“You seem to be taking everything well.”

He pulled the ice cream out of the freezer and didn’t look at me. “How should I be feeling?”

I shrugged. “I would just think you would be a little bit sad, I don’t know.”

“Well yeah it makes me sad that I hurt her. But it would have been a mistake to marry her.”

“I would ask why but it’s not really my place.”

“No, you can ask.” I stood there and waited for him to continue. “We didn’t know each other. She never admitted to it but she was a fan of us before we met. She knew about you way back when and that’s why she hated you... But she was just really excited to be marrying her celebrity crush. She didn’t really know me.”

“Then why did you propose?”

“Because I was really excited to be married that I didn’t know her either.”

“Well you had everyone else fooled that you were in love.” By everyone else, I meant me.

“I loved her, but I was never in love with her.”

“At least you had the good sense to follow your gut before you actually got married.”

He smiled sheepishly. “How are you doing?”

“I’m great. Money could be better, but I’m fantastic. Daisy is a pain in the ass though. She’s starting to rebel against me. Did she tell you she got detention the other day at school because kicked Michael in the shin?”

“Michael? Isn’t that that boy that she’s had a crush on since kindergarten?”

“Yep. She told me she wanted to hurt him so he wouldn’t hurt her.”

“I just feel like an idiot for having put her through this. I could have easily avoided the situation but I really thought I was in love with him.” But he’s not you.

--John--

We talked a little longer about less deeper issues and I started to leave. I wish I could just stay with her or at least give her a kiss goodnight. I got in my truck and got my cigarettes out of my pocket and searched other pockets for my lighter. “What the hell,” I said quietly as I pulled a napkin out of my back pocket. I could tell there was writing on it so I curiously unfolded it and saw Danny’s handwriting scrawled on it. There was a pizza stain on it and I smiled as I read to myself:

John,
Unless I get the nerve to tell you how I feel today, I wrote this for you. I think it’s really stupid how nervous I get when I think about telling you how rad of a dude you are. Like it’s so junior high that I can’t tell you to your face that I’m in love with you. I always thought to myself that I didn’t know why I ever broke up with you but I do know why. It was never that I didn’t love you or the fact you told me to make you a sandwich (how stupid of a reason is that?). I just wanted to see what else was out there for me and I’ve seen it and I realized that it’s you that I want. But if you don’t feel the same, it’s totally cool. I just wanted you to know.
Danny

I was still sitting in her driveway and I kept rereading the part she wrote that she was in love with me over and over again. I tossed the letter in the seat next to me and got out of the truck and opened her unlocked door. She was standing in the doorway to the kitchen and looked like she was about to cry or collapse or something.

“Danny.”

“John,” she said softly.

“Hey.”

She smiled. “Hey.”

“I didn’t really think this through before I came in here.” She continued to smile as I rubbed the back of my neck. “I got your letter.”

“Oh, you did?”

I didn’t say anything, I just walked towards her and she began walking towards me and all I did was give her the most meaningful and comforting hug. Her scent intoxicated my thoughts and brought me back to our last embrace before we broke up.

“When I said I didn’t want to have kids with Joel, I really wanted the rest of my kids to be with you.”

“When I was smiling at the altar, I was looking at you because I realized I wanted you to be up there with me.”

We pulled back and I looked into her teary green eyes before I kissed her. I wiped her eyes as she smiled brightly.

“I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time.”

“Because I haven’t been,” she said and wrapped her arms tightly around me. She pulled back abruptly and hit me in the chest. “What took you so long?!”

“I thought you hated me. You know, I tried telling you how I felt back when you went on that tour with Joel.”

“How? By walking around drunk and shirtless? Is that your mating ritual?” She laughed as I pulled her down on the couch and she put her legs over mine and rested her head against my shoulder.

“You left to go take care of Daisy and I called you and left you a voicemail saying that I loved you...but I rerecorded over it.”

“This could have all been over in 2010 if you would have just kept that,” she said assuringly.

“I didn’t think you wanted to be bothered with my feelings and bullshit. And me? What took me so long?! What took you so long? You had like sixteen opportunities to tell me how you felt before the wedding.”

“I did have a lot of opportunities...” she started. “But you always looked so happy when you would talk about her or the wedding and I didn’t want to take that away from you.”

“And here we are. We’re the same scared teenagers afraid of saying the things we want to say only a few years older.”

“Never leave me again,” she said and held herself closer to me.

“Never break up with me again.” I kissed the top of her head and traced my fingers along her arm. “I love you,” I finally said.

“I love you.”