On The Ledge
one - the darkest hour
Northern Wind - City & Colour
____________________
Liv looked down at the pictures of the Penguins first practice of the new season. She smiled as she scrolled through each one, seeing how well she'd done but she stopped on one and kept her eyes fixed on him and those eyes.
James Neal was one of the newer guys on the team, just having come into the Penguins organization at the trade deadline last season. This would be his first full season with the team and he wasn't quite sure what to expect of it.
"Liv!" Liv turned around to face her best friend, Sidney Crosby. They had grown up together in Nova Scotia and she landed her dream job when she landed in Pittsburgh, and with her best friend no less. She smiled at him and put her camera strap around her neck, "Hey Sid, all finished?" he just nodded and ran a hand through his hair, still damp from his shower, "Ready to head out?" She nodded in response and hung her bag over her shoulder.
Ever since Sidney had his concussion he hasn't practiced alot and of course when he did it was no contact, but he skated with the team today and I knew that would get the attention of the media pretty quickly.
"Feel good today?" she asked him. He sighed and responded, "Still feeling the symptoms a bit, but skating felt good"
I sighed as well. knowing how much this was hurting him. I hated seeing him hurt and I knew the longer he wasn't playing the more irritant he was going to get, and he wasn't pleasant to live with when he was like that.
--
James shoved his hands into the pocket of his sweats as he stepped out into the mild September air. He hated leaving the arena because he knew he was headed to an empty house, a quiet house. Even after 4 months the words still ran through his head I'm sorry, there's someone else someone else someone else 123 days to be exact. Over and over it rang like a sad song on repeat that he couldn't turn off.
He sighed as he started his car and laid his head back on the headrest for a moment, taking in a breath before he left for home. Everything seemed to be fine when he first moved to Pittsburgh and he felt like it was home, until she left and everything completely fell apart and now he wasn't so sure of himself or Pittsburgh anymore.
He stepped into the house he once shared with who once was thought of as the love of his life. Sometimes her voice still echoed through the halls when it got really quiet, which is why he always had something on to drown it out. The pale yellow walls she loved so much seemed bland, the kitchen was messy, the house was messy and he couldn't seem to stand the quiet I need to make it stop he thought.
But he never seemed to know exactly how.
--
She didn't know him but there was something that intrigued her when she saw his face. she always seemed to go back to the picture of him. He wasn't smiling as if right now hockey was a chore and uninteresting. There was something behind those eyes that broke him that he's never spoke of to anyone. She wanted to know him and she didn't even know how to approach it He's a mystery I want to solve she thoughtI just don't know how.
"Sid?" she asked setting her camera on the coffee table. He looked up from some sports magazine he was reading and set it down on his lap, "Hmm?"
"James Neal...do you know his deal?" he just shrugged in response, "Well he came in February and I don't know him too well. I just know that February he was a lot happier to be here than he seems to be now"
"Well it was only the first practice" she reminded him. He nodded, "Yes, but most guys are pretty excited to get back on the ice after a long off season, he just wasn't into it"
"Oh..." she looked back at her camera and was still unable to completely read what he was feeling. Usually she was pretty good at reading people and their emotions, but this guy was different. He was truly broken in more ways than one.
"Why do you ask?" he asked. She ran her hands through her light brown hair and shrugged, "I just saw the same thing you did, but I think there's something that broke him"
"Don't go and try fixing him" he warned, "He might not want to be fixed"
"How can you not fix something that's broken? How do you just let it deteriorate?"
He sighed, "Sometimes misery is the best company"
--
Right now the wine bottle was his best friend and her favorite song on repeat. He sat next to his bed and took another drink, three quarters of the bottle gone in less than an hour. He sat there in the dark and could care less when his phone rang next to him. He stared at the wall and the memories flooded with every word.
You're the northern wind, sending chills down my spine
You're like falling leaves in an autumn night...
It felt like a movie was running through his head with every verse and every moment they spent together from the day they met to the moment they moved to Pittsburgh and the day she left and took every part of him with her.
Oh my love, oh my love, oh my love
You don't know what you do to me...
In a swift moment he threw the bottle across the room and watched as it smashed into tiny pieces. The adrenaline was flowing and he wished he had something else to throw, something to hit or something to break. He heard his phone go off again but it was a text message from the same person who had tried to call him. Matt Niskanen, his former teammate from Dallas who came in the trade with him at the deadline to Pittsburgh. He knew what had happened, he was about the only one that did.
I need you to pick up your phone...
He dialled his number and listened through three rings before he picked up, "Are you okay?" Matt asked, "I really hate when you don't answer"
"You don't need to be so worried" he snapped back, "I just don't want to talk"
"What's going on?"
"It's just one of the bad days" Neal replied, "I just need to be alone" before any objection from Matt, James hung up the phone and threw it backwards onto his bed. He wanted desperately to sleep but he knew it would be another long night. This night would not be different from the rest.
That morning he stepped into the Iceoplex with an exploding head, dark circles under his eyes and a face that hadn't seen a razor in three days, "Rough night?" asked Staal clapping him on the back. The impact alone made his head throb and he closed his eyes, "May have had a few" he sighed sitting down in his stall and putting his head in his hands. He heard a few other guys come in chattering and laughing and he felt another hand on his shoulder that he jerked away quickly and looked up, "Staal this isn't--oh" he looked up to see Matt and he sighed, "I'm fine" he said quickly, "I had a rough date with a bottle of wine last night"
"It's getting worse" he said sitting next to him, "You need to move on with your life James. This isn't going to make things better"
"That house is too fucking quiet" he snapped, "It's the only way to keep her voice in there..."
"That's exactly what's going to ruin you"
There were a few whistles and chatters when Sidney came in with Liv behind him. The guys were pretty familiar with her since she got her job with a local sports magazine. She had her hair in a loose braid with a black beanie over it. She was wearing a v-neck t-shirt with the Penguins logo, jeans and flip flops. James looked up and noticed how much she seemed to look like her, the brown hair, the blue eyes, the smile.
"Matt..." he kept his eyes on her while Matt spoke, "That's Liv, Sid's friend, like a sister to him"
"It's her eyes" he said. Matt looked over at her and sighed, "James, this isn't helping"
He watched as she talked to Sidney and her head fell back as she laughed at some stupid joke he told while Jordan snuck up behind her and squeezed her sides and she jumped up with a squeal and playfully punched him in the arm. Sidney spoke in her ear and pointed in James' direction and suddenly he looked down and grabbed his skates to look busy before he caught her looking.
"James?" suddenly she was in front of him and a little too close for comfort. He stood up and nodded, "Yes?"
"Okay this might sound odd, but I'm doing an article on you for the next issue and I was wondering if we might be able to sit down and chat sometime?" he looked over at Matt who put his hands up in defence and walked towards his own stall. He was alone now and had no idea what to say. He was completely zoned out and she waved her hand in front of his face, "Still there?" he shook his head and sighed. He ran a hand through his messy dark hair and Liv felt her stomach tie up in knots, "Are you sure you want to talk to me? I'm not that interesting"
"I beg to differ" she replied crossing her arms across her chest, "We all have a story" That's what he was afraid of.
"You don't want to know mine"
"You're the newest guy and people want to know about the new guy in the room. It's a little while of picking your brain and that's it. It's nothing strenuous, I promise" he sighed and felt like he really had no other choice. Maybe it would get his mind off of things and help him move in the right direction. He shrugged, "I suppose it won't hurt"
Her smile gleamed and for the first time in months he actually smiled back at her like he couldn't help it, but it didn't last long, "Awesome" she replied excitedly grabbing a pen from her back pocket and grabbed his hand writing her number down, "Just call me when you have some time to grab a coffee" she said shoving the pen back in her pocket, "Oh and I forgot to mention I'll be taking pictures at practices and games as well, so don't freak out if you find me snapping a few" he just nodded without saying a word and she smiled big again, "Really nice to meet you James" He nodded again and grabbed her arm before she left, "Wait...I didn't catch your name"
"Olivia Taylor, but everyone calls me Liv"
"Nice to meet you too Liv"
____________________
Liv looked down at the pictures of the Penguins first practice of the new season. She smiled as she scrolled through each one, seeing how well she'd done but she stopped on one and kept her eyes fixed on him and those eyes.
James Neal was one of the newer guys on the team, just having come into the Penguins organization at the trade deadline last season. This would be his first full season with the team and he wasn't quite sure what to expect of it.
"Liv!" Liv turned around to face her best friend, Sidney Crosby. They had grown up together in Nova Scotia and she landed her dream job when she landed in Pittsburgh, and with her best friend no less. She smiled at him and put her camera strap around her neck, "Hey Sid, all finished?" he just nodded and ran a hand through his hair, still damp from his shower, "Ready to head out?" She nodded in response and hung her bag over her shoulder.
Ever since Sidney had his concussion he hasn't practiced alot and of course when he did it was no contact, but he skated with the team today and I knew that would get the attention of the media pretty quickly.
"Feel good today?" she asked him. He sighed and responded, "Still feeling the symptoms a bit, but skating felt good"
I sighed as well. knowing how much this was hurting him. I hated seeing him hurt and I knew the longer he wasn't playing the more irritant he was going to get, and he wasn't pleasant to live with when he was like that.
--
James shoved his hands into the pocket of his sweats as he stepped out into the mild September air. He hated leaving the arena because he knew he was headed to an empty house, a quiet house. Even after 4 months the words still ran through his head I'm sorry, there's someone else someone else someone else 123 days to be exact. Over and over it rang like a sad song on repeat that he couldn't turn off.
He sighed as he started his car and laid his head back on the headrest for a moment, taking in a breath before he left for home. Everything seemed to be fine when he first moved to Pittsburgh and he felt like it was home, until she left and everything completely fell apart and now he wasn't so sure of himself or Pittsburgh anymore.
He stepped into the house he once shared with who once was thought of as the love of his life. Sometimes her voice still echoed through the halls when it got really quiet, which is why he always had something on to drown it out. The pale yellow walls she loved so much seemed bland, the kitchen was messy, the house was messy and he couldn't seem to stand the quiet I need to make it stop he thought.
But he never seemed to know exactly how.
--
She didn't know him but there was something that intrigued her when she saw his face. she always seemed to go back to the picture of him. He wasn't smiling as if right now hockey was a chore and uninteresting. There was something behind those eyes that broke him that he's never spoke of to anyone. She wanted to know him and she didn't even know how to approach it He's a mystery I want to solve she thoughtI just don't know how.
"Sid?" she asked setting her camera on the coffee table. He looked up from some sports magazine he was reading and set it down on his lap, "Hmm?"
"James Neal...do you know his deal?" he just shrugged in response, "Well he came in February and I don't know him too well. I just know that February he was a lot happier to be here than he seems to be now"
"Well it was only the first practice" she reminded him. He nodded, "Yes, but most guys are pretty excited to get back on the ice after a long off season, he just wasn't into it"
"Oh..." she looked back at her camera and was still unable to completely read what he was feeling. Usually she was pretty good at reading people and their emotions, but this guy was different. He was truly broken in more ways than one.
"Why do you ask?" he asked. She ran her hands through her light brown hair and shrugged, "I just saw the same thing you did, but I think there's something that broke him"
"Don't go and try fixing him" he warned, "He might not want to be fixed"
"How can you not fix something that's broken? How do you just let it deteriorate?"
He sighed, "Sometimes misery is the best company"
--
Right now the wine bottle was his best friend and her favorite song on repeat. He sat next to his bed and took another drink, three quarters of the bottle gone in less than an hour. He sat there in the dark and could care less when his phone rang next to him. He stared at the wall and the memories flooded with every word.
You're the northern wind, sending chills down my spine
You're like falling leaves in an autumn night...
It felt like a movie was running through his head with every verse and every moment they spent together from the day they met to the moment they moved to Pittsburgh and the day she left and took every part of him with her.
Oh my love, oh my love, oh my love
You don't know what you do to me...
In a swift moment he threw the bottle across the room and watched as it smashed into tiny pieces. The adrenaline was flowing and he wished he had something else to throw, something to hit or something to break. He heard his phone go off again but it was a text message from the same person who had tried to call him. Matt Niskanen, his former teammate from Dallas who came in the trade with him at the deadline to Pittsburgh. He knew what had happened, he was about the only one that did.
I need you to pick up your phone...
He dialled his number and listened through three rings before he picked up, "Are you okay?" Matt asked, "I really hate when you don't answer"
"You don't need to be so worried" he snapped back, "I just don't want to talk"
"What's going on?"
"It's just one of the bad days" Neal replied, "I just need to be alone" before any objection from Matt, James hung up the phone and threw it backwards onto his bed. He wanted desperately to sleep but he knew it would be another long night. This night would not be different from the rest.
That morning he stepped into the Iceoplex with an exploding head, dark circles under his eyes and a face that hadn't seen a razor in three days, "Rough night?" asked Staal clapping him on the back. The impact alone made his head throb and he closed his eyes, "May have had a few" he sighed sitting down in his stall and putting his head in his hands. He heard a few other guys come in chattering and laughing and he felt another hand on his shoulder that he jerked away quickly and looked up, "Staal this isn't--oh" he looked up to see Matt and he sighed, "I'm fine" he said quickly, "I had a rough date with a bottle of wine last night"
"It's getting worse" he said sitting next to him, "You need to move on with your life James. This isn't going to make things better"
"That house is too fucking quiet" he snapped, "It's the only way to keep her voice in there..."
"That's exactly what's going to ruin you"
There were a few whistles and chatters when Sidney came in with Liv behind him. The guys were pretty familiar with her since she got her job with a local sports magazine. She had her hair in a loose braid with a black beanie over it. She was wearing a v-neck t-shirt with the Penguins logo, jeans and flip flops. James looked up and noticed how much she seemed to look like her, the brown hair, the blue eyes, the smile.
"Matt..." he kept his eyes on her while Matt spoke, "That's Liv, Sid's friend, like a sister to him"
"It's her eyes" he said. Matt looked over at her and sighed, "James, this isn't helping"
He watched as she talked to Sidney and her head fell back as she laughed at some stupid joke he told while Jordan snuck up behind her and squeezed her sides and she jumped up with a squeal and playfully punched him in the arm. Sidney spoke in her ear and pointed in James' direction and suddenly he looked down and grabbed his skates to look busy before he caught her looking.
"James?" suddenly she was in front of him and a little too close for comfort. He stood up and nodded, "Yes?"
"Okay this might sound odd, but I'm doing an article on you for the next issue and I was wondering if we might be able to sit down and chat sometime?" he looked over at Matt who put his hands up in defence and walked towards his own stall. He was alone now and had no idea what to say. He was completely zoned out and she waved her hand in front of his face, "Still there?" he shook his head and sighed. He ran a hand through his messy dark hair and Liv felt her stomach tie up in knots, "Are you sure you want to talk to me? I'm not that interesting"
"I beg to differ" she replied crossing her arms across her chest, "We all have a story" That's what he was afraid of.
"You don't want to know mine"
"You're the newest guy and people want to know about the new guy in the room. It's a little while of picking your brain and that's it. It's nothing strenuous, I promise" he sighed and felt like he really had no other choice. Maybe it would get his mind off of things and help him move in the right direction. He shrugged, "I suppose it won't hurt"
Her smile gleamed and for the first time in months he actually smiled back at her like he couldn't help it, but it didn't last long, "Awesome" she replied excitedly grabbing a pen from her back pocket and grabbed his hand writing her number down, "Just call me when you have some time to grab a coffee" she said shoving the pen back in her pocket, "Oh and I forgot to mention I'll be taking pictures at practices and games as well, so don't freak out if you find me snapping a few" he just nodded without saying a word and she smiled big again, "Really nice to meet you James" He nodded again and grabbed her arm before she left, "Wait...I didn't catch your name"
"Olivia Taylor, but everyone calls me Liv"
"Nice to meet you too Liv"