Our Goodbye's

After Clinton and Bailey left to go to their room I stayed awake but didn’t move. My jeans dried from the snow and James’ hoodie engulfed me. His smell was everywhere and I never wanted to take it off. Slowly I uncurled my body and looked at the clock. 2:23 was flashing in red at me. My room was completely dark except for a sliver of light coming from the bathroom.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes, getting used to the light and my surroundings. Without direction from my brain, my legs stood up and walked over to the door of my room. I stopped thinking about the past and how I messed everything up and walked down the hallway. Once I reached the door Kris went in, I froze and took a deep breathe. Softly I knocked on the door and prayed silently that no one heard.

I wasn’t lucky. A minute later foot steps approached the door and the locks were undone. My breath caught in my throat as a half asleep James opened the door. He looked at me in shock and his mouth opened slightly. Before he could say anything, I wrapped my arks around his waist and buried my face in his chest. Slowly he gained his senses and wrapped his arms around my back and put his face in my hair.

We stood halfway in his room and the hallway froze in time. Neither of us felt the need to move. Wrapped in his arms I felt safe and every doubt I had before went away. Finally he pulled away and stepped back. That’s when I noticed he was only wearing a pair of sweatpants. The TV in his room was on and I had a feeling his roommate was awake. James walked away and deeper into the room. He said a few words to Kris and grabbed something off of his night stand.

When he walked back to the door he put his hand on my back and I led him to my room. No words were exchanged as I opened the door and stumbled inside. I slid into my bed on the far side of the room and he followed. Once his arms were wrapped around me and my face back on his chest, he opened his mouth to talk.

“I want to ask why, but I don’t want to know the answer.” He whispered and looked down. Our foreheads touched and my eyes met his.

“Then don’t ask.” I whispered back and closed my eyes. His lips softly met mine. I jolt of electricity went through my body. I hadn’t kissed a guy since I left. Before I could fall into his trap and deepen the kiss, he slowly pulled away.

“I want so badly to hate you but find my self defending you every time someone says something.” He said. I felt his breathe on my neck and I tired to move closer to him. His arms locked around me and my hands found their way to his bare chest. He seemed to be bigger and have more muscle since he left for Pittsburgh. I took a deep breathe.

“I hate my self enough for the both of us.” I said. He shook his head softly.

“Don’t hate your self, please. Seeing you wanting to cry is killing me.” He said in an airy voice. I sucked in a sob and I tried to grip his sides to keep from losing it. Why was he being so nice? I was the one that left him with no reason or explanation. He was supposed to be mad at me and never want to see me again. That was the only reason I even agreed to perform at the game.

“Just calm down and go to sleep. We can talk in the morning.” He whispered and kissed the top of my head lightly before loosening his grip and rolling onto this back so I could lay my head on his chest. I put up no fight and for the first time in a year, I fell asleep with out being exhausted.

~~~Flash Back~~~

The princess cut diamond ring on my finger felt like a hundred pounds instead of its usual light, airy feeling, the walls of the elevator felt like they were closing in on me and the two minute flight to the sixth floor was taking two hours. Sweat started to make an appearance on my brow and my palms couldn’t stop shaking. I assumed the aching feeling in my heart and the pounding in my head was reasonable for what I was planning to do.

My hand could barely open the door and I dropped the key twice. On the third try, I successfully opened the door to my apartment and slowly slinked down the front hallway and into the living room. I could hear James in our bedroom and the sight of our home almost brought tears to my eyes.

“Hey! I thought you were going to Clinton’s.” James said from behind me in a sleepy voice. When I turned towards him we was wearing a pair of sweatpants too big for him and a thin t-shirt. The sight of his messy bed hair and the sound of his groggy voice made the tears spill out of my eyes. His face turned into complete confusion as he took two steps towards me to close the gap between us.

“What happened?” He asked softly and tried to wipe falling tear off of my face but I side stepped and backed out of his grasp. My mind was running a hundred miles an hour as I tried to make a quick decision. I could have blamed my hormones on my period or tell him I had a fight with Bailey, but instead I looked him in the eyes and pulled my engagement ring off of my finger.

“I can’t do this.” I whispered and before I could hand him the ring, my shaking fingers dropped it onto the tile floor. His eyes flashed waves of anger and confusion before he could pull a mask of no emotion over his face. The stone cold expression James’ wore broke my heart again.

“What do you mean?” He asked in a voice that I had never heard before.

“I can’t marry you. I can’t be with you James. I’m sorry.” I choked out in between sobs. He took a step back and leaned against the pale wall behind him. His face started to drain of color as I tried to control my sobs. I hated seeing James sad, but I tried to convince myself I was helping the both of us.

“Why?” He whispered.

“We’re only 22 James. We can’t get married that young. You have a hockey career you need to focus on, not me. I will never fit in with the WAG’s, you know that.” I said and tried to reason with myself.

“You don’t have to fit in with them. The guys all love you. You aren’t a distraction I need you here when I lose and win.” James tried weakly to convince me.

“Maybe I don’t want to be here all the time.” I snapped. “Maybe I want to chase my dreams and I’m not getting any where near than in Dallas. I need to go to Los Angeles or Hollywood.” My real, selfish reasons came pouring out before I could even think to keep them inside. The hurt flashed across James’ eyes. He crouched down and picked the ring up off the floor, then walked towards me. I was paralyzed as he stepped right in front of me and grabbed my hand. Slowly pulling my fist open, he set the ring on my palm. After he closed my hand into a fist again he lightly kissed my cheek and wiped a tear away.

“Every time you look at this, I want you to remember everything you left. I want you to think about what you could have had. Good luck in California. Maybe send me a postcard or two.” He whispered in my ear then walked out of the kitchen and slipped into one of the rooms down the hall.

~~~End Flashback~~~

A pair of warm arms was wrapped around me as I slowly came to. The heat radiating on my back caused me to turn and bury myself in the heat source. It had been so long that I woke up near anyone that I craved the companion ship. As soon as I curled my body around the person, I shot back. The strong arms caught me in place, only allowing me to back up a few inches.

James laughed lightly but kept his eyes closed. I sighed in frustration and let my head drop against his shoulder. The events of the past night came back into my brain and I groaned out loud. He laughed again and grabbed his phone from behind me.

“It’s 11, we missed breakfast.” He said in a groggy voice.

“You would be thinking about food right now.” I giggled and sat up. My legs curled into Indian style as I turned to face James. His long hair was messy and sticking up more than usual and his eyes were still glossy from sleep. He looked the same as every other time I woke up next to him.

“What are you doing today?” James asked as he scrolled through his phone. I shrugged and played with the sheets.

“I have to rehearse with Drake then probably hang out with Clinton and Bailey.” I told him and sighed. I was friends with Drake but not in the mood to perform a new song in front of guys who never even knew I could sing.

“Are you going to the draft?” He asked timidly.

“I wasn’t planning on it.” I replied. “I was just going to watch it on TV tonight.” James nodded and folded his hands over his chest.

“Can we talk after? I mean really talk Ashton. I don’t want you to back out and give me some stupid vague answer. I want to know exactly went through your head when you left. Can you do that for me? If you want either of us to move on I need closure.” He said in a serious voice. I looked at him in shock, but nodded slowly.

“Text me after you’re picked.” I whispered as he rolled out of the bed and gave me a hug. I watched him walk out of the room and stared at the door even after he shut it. Two hours later I was lying in the same place I slept in and watched a Project Runway marathon. Right as the second episode ended, my room door swung open and Bailey came strutting in, wearing short sweater dress with black leggings and flats. Clinton was right behind her wearing normal clothes.

“Why aren’t you ready? We have to meet Drake in twenty minutes!” Bailey exclaimed. I just looked at her blankly and her eyes scanned the bed. “Oh my god! He did not sleep here last night!” She screamed and I rolled my eyes.

“Sorry to disappoint you, but he did.” I said flatly. Her face was pure shock as Clinton wore a huge smirk.