The Nomads

In the desert heat, the sand

It’s warm – too warm for spring, for March which was on its second week, passing and determined to continue forward. It was warm when the sun was out; it would wrap around your heart, bringing it out from the seasonal tragic that was now on its way.

Blows like ice-cold snow

But it’s dark now, a little humid but still warm. But he feels dead, empty and lifeless. His hair is sticking to his face, he’s panting slightly, breaths still erratic. The palms of his hands are hot, the muscles in his legs are strained.

The night soon spreads its wings

His eyes shoot around, casting dirty looks whoever was on his way, whoever was already taking semi-circles to get by, cautious. They try to avoid him, try to get by.

Hyunseung doesn’t care – he knows what he has to do.

He has to leave – again.

Nothing but the wind to escort the nomads

It was a thought that hit him suddenly – a thought he should be used to, which should be easy, effortless. There should be no hesitation towards tomorrow, he shouldn’t be suffering because he has grown up with it – with the big gap inside his heart, a gap which is always distant and cold.

It’s supposed to stay that way.

It’s an instinct, he’s often been told.

That is the way they wander from one day to the next

He steps one foot in front of another, carelessness in his walk, in his loose steps as his glance paces around. His eyes squint when he remembers, his teeth bite into his lip when he feels it, feels everything all over again. The anger, the irritation, the frustration, the grip around his heart. The hope, the dryness in his throat, the stinging pain that never seems to leave.

It’s all so overwhelming and he wonders since when has it been like this.

And then there is the happiness.

That is the way they wander from one life to the next

The happiness that tied him down but which never had any future. It was something brief, something to cherish and remember. It was like a childhood memory, your childhood home which you’ll forever long for. But it can never be obtained, not when you leave.

It wasn’t something to regret.

Then why does he feel so lost?

He wants to run back, wants to snuggle under the blanket and when Junhyung would move, he’d say everything was alright, that he was there to stay. He would assure him as long as it would take him to believe, as long as it took him to make the chaos disappear for that short moment.

But he can’t – he can’t stay still, can’t stop his nature moving forwards. It isn’t him, it isn’t Hyunseung and as if starting this hadn’t already been a mistake big enough, he has to make up for it.

Even if it means hurting more. If it means he has to become emotionless, dead. He can’t care, he can’t think – he isn’t allowed to.

There is only one thing he can do.

That is the way it weaves an invisible path

He has to leave.

Has to leave it behind. One of many but one of the most special. One that has made him want to give up, one that made him think on settling down but he remembers. It still echoes in his head. That there is no solution.

He can only leave.

He can only explore, travel.

He’s not supposed to get attached.

on them, it waits until you are ready to take the risk

It’s not for him – this lifestyle. Morning cup of coffee brought to bed can never be for him. He should never be given too much control over a heart – he knows he’s bound to break it soon. He’s the worst type of a man one could meet.

It was a risk which had turned out to be a mistake.

Mistake with a good lesson behind its back.

Being dependent is not for him, having little small dates was bound to get too much, the bliss was soon to turn into a nightmare.

It was time to leave.

It carries only frozen souls

But it’s agonizing. He feels how his soul has been left behind – pieces have been ripped out, harshly, without a warning and it can’t be fixed. They break down, they are being ripped apart and they disappear, leave.

They have left to stay, to comfort whom he had hurt – will hurt.

As soon as the run rises, when the morning dawns. When he awakes, when he finally notices.

The moonlight makes their shadows

He’s not to come back. He isn’t allowed to, it’s forbidden. His job now is to disappear, to make himself unseen, to never show himself again. If he wants this to succeed, he has to make sure he’s never seen.

He would never be able to drink coffee, he would never even take a step into Seoul. He’d avoid radios, he’d avoid everyone familiar. Like a prisoner who has ran away.

And it would be only a matter of time to meet someone, a friend who would make him give in.

They’d start asking questions, cast pitying looks. He hates it, he thinks he’d hate it for sure.

Warmth in a ray of sunlight

These years have passed too fast – months feeling like weeks, weeks like mere days. Hyunseung isn’t surprised that he hasn’t noticed the time. It had dragged on for too long and he had become unable to let go. Making excuses for staying was his hobby - he became stressed, until he found he had no choice.

He would grieve, regret, suffer. But it had to be done.

Hyunseung thinks that this time, that this time he doesn’t know what will happen.

He’s not sure if he can get on his feet again.

is what the morning brings once again

If he’d ever dare again, if he’d lock himself up for good.

It’s going to be hard to live on.

But for their own sake...

He’s willing to take the blame.

That is the way.