All or Nothing

Eliza’s scream ripped through the room.

“I told you to go easy,” Val said, raising an eyebrow.

“Bite me,” Eliza said and another scream ripped through her as Matt pressed on her shoulder.

“How about you just stick to running, okay?” he asked as he looked at her.

She’d come to Val’s to apologize for beating Kaicey on her floor, and to make sure she didn’t make a huge mess. When she’d gotten there, she found Matt in the basement working out and had decided to join him. Unfortunately for her, she had so much pent up anger that when she punched the huge punching bag, she dislocated her shoulder. Matt was currently trying to shove it back into place without hurting her but he was afraid.

“Just slam it back in, Matt. I promise it’ll be okay,” Eliza said. He looked at her with a skeptical expression and she rolled her eyes. “Fine, if you won’t do it, I will.”

He didn’t understand what she meant, but with his right hand holding her arm and his left hand pressed against her shoulder blade, she violently sat up and slammed her shoulder back into place. A scream escaped her lips and tears welled up in her eyes. A sigh emitted from her lips and she looked up at Matt.

“I’m fine. I think I’m just gonna go for a run, okay?”

“Can I talk to you first?” Matt asked, his eyes looking a bit worried.

“Yeah, sure.”

“I’m going upstairs to call Katie,” Val said, hooking a thumb over her shoulder pointing to the steps. “I’m not running, and you need someone to go with you.”

“Wait, you aren’t going to go run with me?” Eliza asked, looking at Matt.

“Hell no; I hate running.”

“You work out for fun…how do you hate running?”

“Because running sucks asshole.”

“Whatever,” Eliza said and rolled her shoulder around, grimacing every few seconds.

Val walked upstairs and when Matt was positive that she was out of hearing distance, he sat down on the floor beside Eliza.

“I know you don’t care if Val is here for this, but what are you going to do about Brian?”

“I don’t know,” Eliza said honestly.

“He’s been listening to this song over and over again,” Matt said, pulling out his phone and pressing some buttons before music started playing through the speakers.

“Not Meant to Be” by Theory of a Deadman filled Eliza’s ears. She sat with her hand covering her mouth as she listened to the words. She knew Brian felt horrible after everything he did, and she felt horrible for being a bitch to him the previous week, but she was so furious at Kaicey that she’d accidentally snapped at him. She knew he’d been beating himself up, but she didn’t realize he was giving up. She decided to ask Matt about it.

“Is he giving up on me?”

“He doesn’t want to, but he thinks he doesn’t have a choice,” Matt said, putting his phone back in his pocket. “Do you want him to give up, Eliza?”

“No,” she answered immediately. “I don’t want him to ever give up. I shouldn’t have yelled at him like I did, Matt. I was just so mad at Kaicey and I was still fuming and I was caught up in the moment.”

“Well, then I’ll make sure he doesn’t give up,” Matt said smiling.



“I fucking hate you,” Katie said as she wheezed her way to a stop. She bent over and put her hands on her knees. “How could you fucking leave me?”

“You were being slow,” Eliza said, squinting up at Katie from her place in the sand.

Katie rolled her eyes and fell down in the sand next to her. “What’s going on?”

“I miss him a lot,” Eliza said, looking away from Katie.

Katie followed her gaze and realized they were sitting on the beach outside of the house Eliza grew up in; the house that Brian had bought for her and was living in.

“He’s been with Jimmy the past couple of days. From what I can tell, they’ve been going and getting drunk every night. Zacky usually has to go get them,” Katie said as she looked at the house that held so many memories for herself, not to mention Eliza.

“Yeah, I heard that, too,” Eliza said looking over the back of the house. “I miss sitting out here with him. We came out here every night. Even before he and I got together, when he was still with Amber, he would come over to the house, make coffee, and pull the bench down here on the sand. We’d grab a blanket, his acoustic, and the coffee and stay out here until the sun came up. I remember the first real sleep I got since dad had gone into the hospital was the first night Brian and I came out here. I fell asleep lying on his chest and he carried me inside.”

Katie didn’t say anything, she just let Eliza talk. They’d talked about things before now, of course being best friends, but Eliza was opening up on a different level now and she didn’t want to interrupt.

“There was one night we came out here and we danced on the beach. He asked me to dance and I said something about not having music, so he pulled out his phone and we slow danced to some fast-paced scream-o song. It was so awkward, but it was one of the best nights. After we got together, we just kept coming out here. We wouldn’t stay out here as long as we had before because we could go in and go to bed together; neither of us had to leave and we just enjoyed each other’s company. I miss it so much.”

“He was a big part of your life,” Katie said, seeing a movement on the second floor.

“I think he’s giving up on me, Katie, and I haven’t given him a reason not to. I don’t want him to give up, but I can never find him to talk to him anymore. I haven’t tried to call him because I feel like he’ll just ignore it.”

They sat in silence for a few more minutes before Katie piped up.

“If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?”

“Him. Easiest question ever, Katie. I would have things go back to the way they were. I would have him light up at seeing me like he did when I surprised him at the video shoot. I would have him hold my hand in the car. I would give anything to be with him again, to remember why he looked so angry when he was at the hospital. That’s all I can think about is the look on his face when you told him I didn’t want to see him. I just want to know what happened between us…”

“Eliza, I know what’s going on,” Katie said. At Eliza’s questioned look, Katie continued. “When you were in the hospital, Brian stayed. When I say he stayed, I mean he was there every day and every night. He didn’t want you to die because you were addicted to drugs—”

The phrase “addicted to drugs” triggered something in Eliza’s memory. No one had mentioned her “incident” since she’d gotten out of the hospital. She was tired of people acting like she was a China doll, but she understood why they didn’t want to talk about it.

Now, as Katie rambled on, Eliza paid no attention to her as flashes of images filled her mind. Brian sat in a chair across from her and then the next minute he was looking up at her while she was on stage. She suddenly stood up as a smell crossed her nose and she wasn’t sure if it was her imagination or if she really smelled Brian’s cologne. No, he was at Jimmy’s house.

“What are you doing?” Katie asked suddenly seeing Eliza stand up.

“He called me a drug addict,” Eliza said, her eyes moving around in confusion as she struggled to remember.

He’d come upstairs to make sure she was alright because she’d had a huge nightmare. She’d grabbed his hand because of how sweet he’d been. She didn’t want him to leave her and he hadn’t. She saw flashes of Brian looking down at her, passion heavy in his eyes, whispers of his love in her ear. Next, she remembered him yelling at her and she screamed for him to get out of her apartment while Jimmy and Katie were there. She saw bits and pieces of the concert, but what stuck out the most was after the concert. She’d gone home and gotten attacked.

A sob escaped her lips as she remembered waking up with a huge tube down her throat. She was sleepy, so sleepy, and she’d rolled her head around, wondering what she was doing there, wherever there was, and she’d seen Brian looking at her. She tried to yawn and she couldn’t, but she felt her eyes closing again as she looked at him. He’d whispered he loved her and she was out again.

“No wonder he was so mad,” Eliza said through tears. She brought her gaze to Katie beside her. “He stayed with me, just like you said.”

“Eliza, don’t beat yourself up over this,” Katie said, sensing where her best friend was going with her statement. “You couldn’t know! You had amnesia.”

“I remember now, though!” Eliza cried with fresh tears coming to her eyes.

“Eliza, wait!” Katie said as she watched Eliza take off running to the house. Her eyes got wide and she saw another movement at the window before she took off after Eliza.

She reached the back porch and began to frantically search for something. When she couldn’t find what she was looking for, she moved to the door and jiggled the handle, wanting to get inside.

“Eliza, what the fuck are you doing!?”

“I need to get in! I have to talk to him!”

“Eliza, he’s at Jimmy’s!” Katie cried, pulling on her arm.

“Katie, I really need to talk to him as in right now!” Eliza said, almost frantic-sounding.

“I know, sweetie, but he’s not here; why are you trying to get inside an empty house?”

Eliza looked at her friend and then at the house. Fresh tears came up to her eyes and she shrugged before shaking her head. She pulled her arm from Katie’s grasp before jogging back down the steps and around the house. She looked both ways on the street before she broke out into a run to finish her jogging.

Katie walked down the steps and to the side of the deck to stare after Eliza.

“Thanks for that,” a voice said from beside her.

She glanced to her left and up a bit to see Brian leaning against the railing with his head turned so he could watch Eliza as she finished her run.

“I couldn’t let her in when you were there.”

“Yeah, it would’ve ruined all my plans,” he said, taking a sip of coffee.

“She remembers everything, though. She heard something or something and it triggered her memory.”

“Good, that’ll make this even better.”