It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing...

I stared at him in shock. Mr. Sunshine? And a razor? No. No way. It’s not possible. He was just making fun of me.

“Thanks for the gesture, Tristian, but I don’t believe you. I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but- whoa! Dude!” I covered my eyes as he stood and began undoing his pants. He laughed nervously. “I don’t use my wrists, dummy. Just look.” I lowered my hands slowly to see him holding the leg of his boxers up. I stared a second, then met his eyes furiously. “ and you yelled at me you hypocritical ass!” I yelled, standing up and storming into the living room. I sat on the couch and wrapped my arms around my knees, resting my head on them. I heard him moving around in the kitchen, but that wasn’t my concern.

He was yelling at me when he was obviously doing the same thing. He was such a…. hypocritical ass! I mean damn he could have at least toned down his anger with me when he saw me doing it. Obviously it’s not that big of a deal if he’s doing it too. I mean, fuck mine are worse then his but I have a feeling he’s had a bit more practice then I have.
I felt the couch move suddenly, making me jump.

“here.” He murmured. I looked up, glaring at him, and he flinched, but held out the cup of coffee. I took it and sipped it slightly. He leaned against the couch, sighing and rubbing his eyes. “ ok, so, I guess it’s confession time for me. I’m about to tell you something no one, not even Freddie or Timmy or Frank knows, not even josh knows, ok? So I need you to keep this right here, between us. And I swear to you that your daughter will stay right here, between us as well.” I studied him for a minute, and he was squirming before I nodded. “Fine. That’s only fair.” He relaxed immediately, laughing nervously. “If you would have said no, I just might have went crazy.” He paused, then muttered “Well, crazier then I am anyway.” He looked at me suddenly.

“Ok. So, here’s my story. When I was 12, I was diagnosed with chronic Depression.” I went to say something, and he held up his hand. “No, don’t. so I had all the medicine, all the therapists, and my parents almost put me in a home for a month before the meds kicked in. thank God they didn’t. Anyway, at 16, my medicine stopped working. I started cutting myself, and my friends noticed immediately. What they didn’t notice, and still don’t, is after I quit taking the medicine, since it wasn’t working, i…” he paused, rubbing his head, then shook it violently. I watched him, taking a sip of coffee again.

“I hear a little voice in my head that isn’t mine.” He blurted, snapping his head up again. I froze with the cup halfway to my lips. I studied his exspression. It was a bit frantic, and he had a glint in his eyes I couldn’t place, but he was telling the truth. I sat the cup on the coffee table.

“..ok, so, what does it say, exactly?” I asked slowly. He looked completely shocked. “You believe me?” I frowned.

“of course. I can tell when you’re lying to me directly, remember? Now, what. Does. It . say.” I said again. he sighed, rubbing his face and giving a nervous laugh. “My God, you really do. I’m so happy. Wow. I mean, I didn’t think you would, honestly. I-“

“Tristian. I watched a girl go from completely, utterly happy to so depressed she ended up slitting her throat, but not before telling us the only reason she’d been happy was because the voice in her head was telling her that we where all just too imperfect for her and therefore she had to kill herself to get with the people that where ‘perfect’ like her. All in the matter of five minutes. So yes, It’s a little odd that Mr. Sunshine cuts himself and has a voice inside his head making him bonkers, but it’s not something I haven’t seen before.” I gave him a pointed look, and he grinned again.

“Well, it’s not so bad. As long as I take the medicne, anyway. They upped my dose, and for a few years I stopped cutting myself. I experimented with the drugs and the voice, and it turns out as long as I take the meds continuously it stays away. As soon as I’m off my meds though, it comes back and takes me two months of the medicine to get rid of it.” I studied his face a minute.

“So then why do you hear it now?” he gave me another shocked look.

“how-“

“You said that you hear a voice, not heard as in past tense. Therefore, you’re hearing it now.” He shook his head.

“You’re going to be a great therapist one day.”

“I hope to.”

“What?”

I rolled my eyes. “a conversation for later. Now, what does it say and why are you hearing it now?”

“It’s mostly telling me I’m an idiot, or I’m not doing this right, or that right, or some other stuff. That is, until you came along. Then it was telling me to stay away from you, and that you wouldn’t be any good for me and stuff. And then it stopped coming around for days at a time because, as it said, you drive me nuts enough.” I laughed at his expression. “Well, I guess I kind of do, sorry.” He smiled, a real smile I haven’t seen from him in awhile.

“And as for hearing it, I had missed my medicine for two weeks right before you showed up. Remember our trip to walgreens?”

“The cart from hell.” I said, nodding. He laughed heartedly. “Yes, the cart from hell. Anyway, that was to pick up my script, two weeks too late. Like I said, one day off and I get the voice back for two months.”

“My God that must suck. I’m so sorry.” He shrugged, smiling slightly. “in all honesty, I’m just glad you believed me. If I would have told one of the guys, they wouldn’t have. The voice had me thinking you wouldn’t have either.”

“But you told me anyway.” I said, amused. He nodded, sighing. I tilted my head to the side.
“You know, where did the lip ring come from? I mean, you seem like such a goodie two shoes.” I teased suddenly. He looked shocked, then laughed.

“My God, the entertainment never ends with you, does it?”

“Only if you catch me when I’m tired.” I pointed out. He shook his head. “Let’s get you to bed then. Common.” He stood and held out his hand, and I took it relunctantly. He hauled me off the couch and led me to his room, where he deposited me on the bed. I rolled to my stomach and buried my face in my pillow as he moved around his room, changing into something to sleep in. the pillow itched my nose, and I sneezed before I could try to stop it. He sighed.

“If I got you sick, Josh is going to kill me.” He muttered as I saw the lights go out. I rolled to my side and sighed. “If you got me sick, I will kill you. Do you know how hard it is to sing with a sore throat?” I felt the bed shift behind me, then felt his back next to mine.

“Are you really going to do it?”

“Yes. I feel like I should.” He was quiet a long moment. “Well, good.” He said softly. I felt him roll suddenly. “Why do we always fall asleep with our backs together, and half the time I wake up and my stomach has become your pillow?” he asked suddenly. I felt him looming over me, but I ignored it. “Because I sleep funky? I don’t know.”

“Well, it’s dumb. Come here.” He pulled me closer and wrapped an arm over the top of my stomach. I sighed. “Fine. No guarantees you don’t get kicked though, just saying.” He chuckled slightly. “ I think I can handle it.” We where quiet for a long time, until I thought he was asleep. Then I relaxed completely, rubbing my eyes slightly. I was tired, but if I had a bad dream I didn’t want to wake him up either.

“You ok?” he asked immediately, apparently fully awake.

“Yeah, fine. Caffeine getting to me is all.”

“you had, like, two drinks of that damn coffee. What’s really going on.” He said. I was surprised he’d noticed how much I drank earlier.

“nothing, really. I think I’m so tired I can’t fall asleep. Honest.” He sighed. “Well that’s not good.” He muttered. I shrugged. “Sorry.”

“Not your fault. Here, I have some Nyquil. We’ll kill two birds with one stone if you are sick.” I laughed slightly. “I’m not sick!”

“We’ll find out tomorrow, wont we? Now hold on.” He shifted and was gone. I heard him shuffle to the bathroom door, then heard it open and saw the light turn on. A moment later he came out, a bottle in his hand, the light still on.

“Drink up.”

“No.”

“Down the hatch.”

“Uh-uh.”

“Dammit, open up the tunnel before the choo-choo train rams into your goddamn teeth!” he hissed. I started laughing so hard I couldn’t take the drink for a minute. I finally swallowed it down, still giggling slightly.

“Yes, I’m a real comedian. You should hear the other guy.” He muttered as he went back to the bathroom and put the bottle of medicine back after washing out the cup. I laid back down and rubbed my face again. I grimaced as I realized I did feel a little warmer then usual. I shot him an accusing look, but the bathroom light was already off.

“Tristian?” I called. I heard something right before he stumbled into my side of the bed. I gasped as his elbow rammed into my stomach and his other one hit my cheek.

“Dammit, dammit, I’m sorry! I spun around too fast and got disoriented. I’m sorry!”

“it’s alright, just remove your elbow from my solar plexus! I gasped out. He scrambled over me immediately, wrapping an arm around me and rubbing my stomach over the spot he’d hit. “Dammit, I bet it leaves a bruise. Did I hit you anywhere else?”

“My cheek, but not too hard.” I lied. My cheek felt worse then my stomach. He sighed, settling down behind me again. “I’m sorry. Go to sleep.”

“No spooning.” I teased. He laughed.” Believe me, I happen to value my life.” I gasped. “Hey now! I’m not that violent.”

“no, but your brother is.”

“Timmy is a little angel!”

“The other one. You know, the big one? Yeah. He scares me.” I laughed. “ok, Josh is pretty intimidating when he wants to be.” I admitted. He laughed. “yeah, I know. I’ve received quite a few of his ‘lectures’ over the years.”

“I don’t know, Josh, Right now I don’t care!” woke me up. I groaned, rolling over and covering my head with my pillow.

“Wait, she’s awake! Gracie, how are you feeling?”

“Like crap. Why did you let me play in the rain last night?” I moaned, trying to get rid of my headache. No use. He snatched the pillow away from me and I growled, making him go wide eyed. “calm down, I’m just going to check your tempature.” I huffed, but let him put his hand on my forehead, then my cheek, then back to my forehead. He had a phone held to his ear.

“No, she’s definitely warm. What hurts?” he asked me. I shot him an evil look and he actually flinched. “My stomach. My head. My arms but don’t tell Josh that.” I turned my head and he gasped. “Uhm, josh, I’m going to have to call you back.” He hung up quickly.

“I thought you said I didn’t hit you that hard!” he exclaimed. I lurched foreward and grabbed his shirt collar, yanking his face down within inches of mine.

“if you value your life, you will keep your voice at whisper level. Got it?” I growled out. His wide eyed look was priceless, but my head hurt too much for me to really enjoy it. I cradled my head in my hands, muttering as many profanities as I could think in one long stream aimed in his direction. I know it wasn’t exactly fair, but it was early and I hurt.

“oh, jeez. Gracie, what am I going to do with you?” he muttered. A moment later he was next to me on the bed, pulling me down to lay almost on top of him. I buried my head in his shoulder and he held me to his side.

“Love me?” I joked. That had always been my answer to that question, mainly because my dad had always been the one to ask it. He sighed, but strangely didn’t say anything after that. I let it go and began falling asleep again.

next time I woke up my brother was yelling. I sprang from the bed and slapped a hand over his mouth, suprising the both of us. I was surprised he was that close to the bed, and he was surprised I’d sprang up like that.

“Voice. Level. Down. Now. Headache.” I hissed. He nodded, and I let his mouth go, slumping back onto Tristian’s bed. He came up behind me and felt my forehead, then muttered something I couldn’t hear.

“See, Tristians got the voice level thing down. I didn’t even hear him.” I muttered. Josh laughed nervously, making me flinch.

“Sorry sis. You stay in here, ok? I need to talk to Tristian.” I groaned, laying down again. “nooooo. He made a nice pillow.” I mumbled. Both of them laughed at that.

“You can have your pillow back in a moment, I promise.” Josh said gently. I nodded, not sure I could do much else, and I heard them leave. I laid there forever, it felt like, before my pillow was back. I rolled and sighed as my forehead touched his chest. I realized he was cold.

“Geez, you’re freezing.” I muttered.

“no, you’re just that hot.” I giggled slightly.

“Thank you!” he groaned. “Not like that. we’ve been trying to get your tempature down for awhile now.” I frowned. “Wait, so you don’t think I’m hot?” I asked, confused. I mean, I was the most beautiful girl out there, but a guy doesn’t just tell a girl that, right? He groaned again.

“That’s a loaded question. So I’m just going to say that yes, you are a very pretty, younger woman, and leave it at that.” I hesitated, but thinking confused me. “Fine. Ok. Good night.” I snuggled into his side again, and he sighed.

“When you get better you’re going to hate yourself.” He muttered.

“Well I’m not better yet. So it’s ok.”