Caving In

"H-Hi,” Matt stuttered, nervously rubbing at the back of his neck.

“What are you doing here Matt?” I questioned quietly, an arm wrapping protectively around Mason’s shoulders and bringing him closer to my side.

“Can…Can I come in?” he asked softly, his hazel eyes burning holes through me from behind the glasses.

I moved away from the door slowly, Mason hugging tightly onto my hip as I opened the door wider to let Matt in. After a moment of awkward silence I motioned for Matt to sit down on the couch while Mason and I sat quietly on the loveseat across from it. No one spoke for several minutes and the silence was threatening to kill me.

Matt sat stiffly on the couch, twiddling his thumbs and studying the small boy on my lap. Shying away from him, Mason tucked his head into the crook of my neck, his small hands wringing around the hem of my tank top. “What are you doing here, Matt?” I repeated, my gaze hardening as his eyes met my own.

“Well, I was in Long Beach when you called last night, and…since I’m finally home for one of his birthdays, I wanted to see Mason,” Matt smiled a little as I felt Mason move his head, hearing his name.

“You weren’t on tour on his last birthday, Matt, so where were you? LA? Miami? You surely weren’t here singing happy birthday,” I hissed, cradling Mason’s head to my chest. I didn’t want to fight with the father he had only just met but I hated the fact he thought he could just barge in on the two of us. I inhaled sharply, remembering what I had told him the night before.

“I’m here aren’t I?” Matt mumbled, pressing his hands down on his thighs.

“Listen Matt-,”

“I just-,”

“Daddy?” We both stopped, looking down at the five year old staring wide eyed at Matt. Sitting still, Matt waited for what Mason had needed to tell him, shock still clearly painted on his face at the little boy calling him ‘Daddy’. Mason climbed slowly off my lap, taking careful steps towards Matt, as if he was afraid the older man would get up and run away if he moved too quickly. Stopping just in front of him, Mason crawled onto Matt’s knee and wiggled his little arms around his father’s middle. Matt stiffened at first, confused by the closeness, before wrapping his own arms around the little boy. He sighed contently, resting his chin gently on Mason’s head as he closed his eyes. I wanted to snap a photo and keep it locked away forever, afraid this moment would be gone too soon.

We sat that way for a while, nobody speaking or even making a noise. Matt rubbed a calloused hand up and down Mason’s back, lulling the small boy into a deep sleep. “I’ll put him to bed, which room is it?” Matt asked quietly, standing up slowly as to not wake the sleeping baby in his firm grasp.

“Last door on the left,” I mumbled quietly, getting up as well. He shuffled down the hallway, quickly disappearing into the directed room.

I sighed, pushing a hand through my hair as I began walking around the small space in the living room. This was my nightmare coming true. Here he was, in my apartment, putting my son down for a nap. What was he going to do next? Come in here and tell me ‘Mason doesn’t have enough toys in his room, so I’m taking him with me.’ I couldn’t let that happen.

“Allie?” Matt asked softly, leaning against the wall, crossing his leather clad arms over his chest. He looked great; he a black leather jacket, dark wash jeans and expensive mirror aviators that he’d pushed to the top of his head. His once gelled back hair was now gone and replaced with a buzz cut. Compared to him, in my tight tank top, baggy sweat pants and hair done up in a messy bun, I looked like trash while he shined like a million bucks. Clear evidence of the lives we lived. He was pampered and had money to spend on expensive sunglasses. I didn’t. “Can we talk? Please?” Matt walked across the carpeted floor slowly, sitting down on the same couch as before, motioning for me to take my place again. I didn’t speak as I sat down, only watching Matt carefully as he nervously scanned the living room. “I…uh like what you have done with the apartment. It wasn’t much when you moved in, I mean from the photos my mom has shown me,” he stated, not looking me in the eyes as he spoke.

“Yeah, well a lot of things change Matt, you’re just never around to see them,” I sighed, throwing my legs over the arm rest of the loveseat.

“Have you changed, Albany?” Matt asked sounding torn.

“Of course, Matt. And so have you,” I snapped, hating the way his eyes begged me to talk to him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he questioned defensively.

“It means that you are not the same Matt I used to love! That Matt, would have never left me the way you did. He would have never left me to raise our son by myself for six years,” I growled, glaring at his flawless face.

“Are you saying that you don’t love me anymore?” Matt asked, sounding genuinely shocked.

“No! And how could I when you abandoned me! I was in a terrible place! You left me alone and scared to death, 6 months pregnant might I add. The only people nice enough to take time out of their lives and help me out, were you’re parents! Where were you, Matt?” I accused, pushing myself out of the loveseat and walking towards the door.

“Albany, I…I,” he stuttered, standing up too and following me to the door.

“Get out,” I demanded, turning away from him and his sad hazel eyes as I opened the door for him again.

“Don’t do this, please,” he pleaded quietly, trying to make me look at him as he reached for my hand.

“Just go,” I choked, contracting my arms so that they folded protectively over my chest, hating that I was pushing him away from his son when all I have ever wanted was for the three of us to be a family.

“Fine,” Matt grunted, stepping out the door. “But I want you to know, that I’m not going away,” he vowed.

“I’m not asking you to,” I whispered, leaning against the jarred door for support. “I want you around. For Mason, I mean.”

“I want to get to know him, Albany,” Matt explained. “Please let me do this.”

“Alright, come by your parent’s house at 4 tomorrow,” I agreed, closing the door and leaning against it once it was shut behind me. I wanted Matt to be there for Mason, but I was so terrified that he would try to take my son away from me. Sliding down the door quietly, I listened as Matt’s heavy footsteps disappeared down the hallway and eventually down the stairs. I wished sadly then, that Mason would wake up from his nap and make me feel a hundred times better, the way only he could.