Voices Carry

Harry didn’t like waiting. He paced back and forth, his heart racing each time the door opened, hoping that the doctor would appear and give him good news about Louis. But each time he was disappointed when the doctor didn’t come for him.

It’s all your fault.

And there they were; the voices. Returning and forcing Harry to believe that it was true. He had been replaying the scene over and over again in his head so much that this feeling of guilt and anger within himself was starting to take over.

And he was letting it happen. He wanted to punish himself. Punish himself for not doing anything the moment he realized something was wrong when Louis stumbled before leaving. He knew he should have gone with him...or not let him go at all. He wanted a do-over and he wanted it now. But he wasn’t going to get that.

“Those here with Louis Tomlinson?”

Harry jumped at the sound of Louis’ name and hurried towards the doctor standing there. He had wished that Louis’ family was here already, but he just couldn’t wait any longer. He needed to know what was wrong with Louis.

Dr. Tucker and Harry walked down what seemed like a never ending hallway and headed in the direction of Louis’ room. There was silence for the most part and Harry wasn’t sure if the news the doctor would have was going to be good.

As they stood outside the room, Harry took a deep breath and finally turned to face the doctor, basically pleading with his eyes to just give it to him straight. And by the look on Dr. Tucker’s face...he knew it was bad news.

“The size of the tumor is what we’re worried about. It’s...” The doctor hesitated which made Harry’s stomach drop. “It’s not looking good.”

“What can we do?”

“If we were to start treatment right away then that can help to slow down the progress of it, but...”

“But?”

The doctor didn’t say anything for a few seconds; as if he was trying to find the best words to say at this point. “But we’re afraid that since treatment has been delayed for so long that it won’t stop, what seems to be, the inevitable.”

“So you’re saying he’s going to die?” Harry said through clenched teeth, not sure if he was ready to hear this.

“I’m just saying that we need to have hope for Louis. And that he needs to be as comfortable as he can be.” He placed his hand on Harry’s shoulder, gesturing to the door. “You should go see him.”

But we’re afraid that since treatment has been delayed for so long that it won’t stop, what seems to be, the inevitable.

Harry stared at the door with his hand on the doorknob. He was afraid. He was afraid to see Louis like that; hooked up to machines. And he was afraid to see him, knowing what he knew now; that it seemed that Louis was really going to die.



“Well what took you so long?” It hurt Harry to see Louis looking so happy while sitting in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines. “I heard your voice outside the door.”

“Yeah...I needed a minute...” Harry looked down at his feet, afraid to get any closer to Louis in case he might do something wrong again that would hurt him even more.

“You okay?” Louis cocked his head sideways, smirking.

“You’re the one hooked up to machines in a hospital and you’re asking me if I’m okay.” Harry rolled his eyes and pulled a chair slowly up to Louis’ bed.

“I’m guessing the doc told you...” The news didn’t seem to affect Louis at all...and it worried Harry that he was acting this way.

Harry shook his head, trying to wrap his mind around it. “How are you so calm about this? I’ve been freaking out.”

“I guess it just affects one differently when they basically get a death sentence.”

“Don’t talk like that. You’re not going to die.” Harry took his hand, his eyes tearing up slightly. “Please...please just don’t talk about stuff like that.”

“We can’t ignore it, Harry. I’m sorry...but I’m getting worse.” Louis placed his hand over Harry’s and smiled. “Now we play the waiting game.”

“Louis...I love you.” Harry looked up, meeting Louis’ eyes which lit up.

“I’ve been waiting so long to hear you say that,”

“And you love me...” Harry was going somewhere with this and after a few seconds Louis figured it out.

“Harry, no.”

“Louis, please!” Harry’s eyes pleaded for Louis to understand. “Even though the surgery is out of the question, we can slow it down...if you start treatment now.”

Louis retracted his hand and crossed his arms, being absolutely stubborn. Harry sighed and sat back in his seat.

“You’re being absolutely ridiculous.”

“I’m the sick one! I’m allowed to be ridiculous!” Louis complained, getting upset.

“But Louis you refused to have the surgery! At least do treatment so that it can help!” Harry begged before smiling slightly. He rose from where he was sitting and leaned over Louis. “If you don’t do something to help you...then you won’t get any more kisses.”

“What?!” Louis’ jaw dropped as he glared at Harry. “You tease!”

“That’s the deal, Lou. Start treatment and you won’t have to worry about it.”

Louis sighed, rolling his eyes. He was afraid of what was to come now and he didn’t want to admit it. He wished at that moment that his secret would have never come out so that nobody would worry about him and nobody would pressure him to do things he didn’t want to do.

But this was Harry. And he knew that he had to do this if not for himself...then for Harry.

Louis smiled slightly and nodded. “Okay fine. But only because you were threatening.” He laughed and tugged on Harry’s hand, pulling him towards the bed.

Harry laughed and wiped the tears in his eyes away before climbing into the bed next to Louis and wrapped his arms around him.



October 5th

Harry tried comfort him through it all, but he wasn’t really sure how. Louis had been on bed rest for weeks and just seemed to be getting worse and worse. Every time Harry walked into that bedroom his heart just broke, watching Louis wither away before his eyes.

Louis’ physique was beginning to change and he was tearing Harry’s heart apart. Not only was Louis’ hair falling out at a rapid speed, but he was losing a lot of weight too. He looked so weak and unhealthy, though his attitude never changed. He smiled every day, making jokes and teasing Harry. It was like none of this was affecting him when Harry knew it was.

And Harry knew one way to help road block his heart break.

“What’s wrong?” Louis looked up from the book he was reading and stared at the glassy eyed Harry. “You don’t look so good.”

Harry wiped his eyes and cleared his throat. “It’s, um...It’s nothing.” Harry smiled sadly at Louis as he stood up from the chair he was sitting in. “I’ve got something I need to do.”

“What’s that?”

“Huh?” Harry looked back at Louis, completely out of it.

“What do you have to do?” Louis placed his book down, feeling the tenseness between the two of them.

Harry hesitated, trying to come up with an excuse. “I...promised Liam I’d go with him...to the store.” The worst lie he had ever come up with. “I got to go.” He quickly retreated out of the room, shutting the door fast behind him.

Harry leaned his head back against the door, sighing. It wasn’t right hiding things from Louis, especially with everything that had been going on. But he couldn’t help it. He didn’t want Louis to know. Nobody could find out again.

May 2012 – 6 months earlier

“You are out of control, Harry! Out of fucking control!”

They were right. All of them were right and Harry knew it. They knew his secret and they all knew he was out of control.

But he couldn’t stop. He didn’t want to. For once in his life he felt invincible and great. Like nobody could stop him or bring him down.

Everyone else, on the other hand, had a different opinion on the matter.

“You boys are on holiday for the summer. In this time you are to check into rehab and get this situation under control or else you are going down and this band is going with you.”

“I won’t go,” Harry argued, “I’m completely fine. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re addicted to drugs, Harry!”

“Shut your fucking mouth! I’m not addicted to anything and I’m not going to rehab!” Harry had enough. He didn’t want to listen anymore.

“And what about your drug friend? What’s his name, T?” Harry looked up, a bit shocked. “He ratted you out for money and then hightailed it out of here.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Harry looked away.

“What’s causing you to do this Harry? This isn’t like you at all. Is it because of the critics talking about the last gig?”

“I don’t want to fucking talk about that either.”

“You need help. You have no choice but to either go to rehab or not be in this band.”

Harry sighed, knowing that this was serious and he couldn’t get away from talking about it. He stood up and headed towards the door. “Well maybe I’m not in the band anymore.”

Present Day

“Harry Styles? Back in the alley way?”

Harry ducked behind his rain coat, hoping that nobody, other than the 3 guys in front of him, would recognize him.

“Still in denial?” The tall one with a buzz cut exchanged a somewhat friendly handshake with Harry and smirked.

“I’m not here to talk about that shit. You still dealing, T?” He whispered the last part, looking around slightly.

“I may be. Who’s lookin’?” T crossed his arms as his 2 bigger “friends” surrounded him.

“I am.” Harry reached into his pocket, pulling out a wad of money and tossing it to T. He eyed Harry carefully and looked through the money before giving his simple finger-nose movement to motion his lackey’s to keep an eye out at the alley entrance.

“So has the fame gotten to your head already? Rehab too hard for you so you come running back to your old habits? Your other dealer not selling to you anymore?” T laughed and reached into his pocket, pulling out a small bag filled with white powder inside.

“You know nothing about me and you don’t need to know. I pay you and you hand it over. I’m not here to talk about my life story.” Harry snatched the bag and pocketed it quickly.

“The same old Harry. Still afraid and denying that you have a problem?” Harry glared up at T, who held his hands up in defense with that same smirk. “Hey, I’m not judgin’ brother. You’re paying my child support so I don’t give a damn if you have a problem or not. But you better watch yourself, Styles. Don’t want to end up back in rehab, do you?”

And with that Harry had had enough. He shook his head and pulled the collar of his coat up and ducked out of the alley as if nothing had just happened.

But he couldn’t shake the feeling that T was right. That he was denying what was happening again and that he knew this could lead back to rehab. And he wasn’t ready to head back there quite yet. Not while Louis needed him.

"You're really going to do this to him? When he finds out he's going to be mad."

There they were again. The voices in his head judging him and making him feel like shit. But they couldn't do it this time. He wouldn't let it.

“Fuck it.” Harry shook the feeling of guilt away and headed back home.