What You Live for Now is Dead

“I love you.” I whispered into Andy’s ear. “I fucking love you.”
I meant it. I didn’t think it was humanly possible to love someone this much, but here I was.
Sitting down by the beach with the love of my life in my lap. My arms wound across his slender waist; I never wanted to let go of him.
We were only in high school, but I already knew I wanted the spend the rest of my life with him.
I didn’t want anybody else.
“I love you too.” he sighed, pressing his lips to mine.
“I love you more.” my smile turned into a smirk as his eyes widened in mock horror.
“Bullshit Ashley! I love you more and you know it.”
“You’re so cute when you’re angry.” I laughed, kissing him again.
Everything was absolutely perfect.
He turned, so his head was resting on my chest, listening to my heartbeat.
“I don’t believe there is anyone more perfect than you baby.”
His cheeks heated up, an adorable blush lighting up his face.
“Thanks.”
I kissed his forehead, resting back on my elbows. The grains of sand felt like a blanket of velvet underneath me. The sun was starting to set, giving off a lazy orange glow. The moment was absolutely perfect.
“Andy?”
“Yeah?” he looked up, a small yawn escaping from his perfect lips.
“There’s something I want to give you.”
He sat up, scooting so he was sitting on the sand next to me.
“What is it?”
He sounded excited, and it was adorable.
I found my jacket lying a few feet away from us. Digging through the pockets I took out a small white box.
“Oh?”
He could tell it was a jewelry box, a smile on his face.
“Open it.” I told him, wrapping an arm around him.
Lying inside a bed of cotton was a bracelet. It was a piece of braided white leather with three silver beads.
The first and last bead was engraved with the letter A in scripture, the middle bead was a heart.
Looking into his eyes I could see the sparkle as he understood the meaning of the bracelet.
“Ash.” he smiled. “How did you know I loved Asking Alexandria.” he smirked.
“Because I know you so well.” I joked back.
“It’s beautiful. Andy ‘hearts’ Ashley.” he kissed me tenderly.
“Actually it’s Ashley ‘hearts’ Andy.” I corrected, kissing down his jaw line.

“I don’t think that’s possible, considering I love you more.”
“Oh shush babe. Let me put it on.”
“Okay.”
He gave me his hand, lost in thought. I pushed up the thin black fabric of the long sleeve he was wearing, draping the bracelet over it.
I turned his wrist over to clasp it.
I wasn’t expecting that.
Littering the insides of his wrist were fresh looking cuts.
“Baby…” I trailed off and I swallowed back my tears.
It seemed to click in his head what I meant just as I clasped the bracelet over his left wrist.
“Fuck.” he whispered, paling slightly.
“What’s this?”
I already knew he self harmed, hell I was helping him stop! Why didn’t I know about these?
“…”
“Why?” I asked, looking into his crystal blue eyes. They were bright and wet as tears filled them up.
“I’m sorry love…”
“Why?”
“Last night, when we…” he trailed off.
“Argued?” I supplied.
He nodded, my heart sinking.
“Again?” I didn’t mean to raise my voice, but I did.
“Don’t yell at me!” he flinched, hiding behind his long ebony hair.
“I’m not fucking yelling! You want me to yell at you, I will fucking yell at you!” I fought to keep my voice down.
“There you go again! Do you even fucking care about me?”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
“Of course I care about you!”
“If you cared about me you wouldn’t be doing this! Where’s the motherfucking sympathy?”
“Oh shut the fuck up.”
His eyes widened, tears escaping. The wet trails on his cheeks saddened me, as they left black marks from his eyeliner.
“Baby, I didn’t mean that! I was just getting annoyed.”
“Whatever.”
I sighed, fuck it.
“I’ll just go.”
“What?” he looked up at me in surprise.
“I’m not helping here. I’m just making you feel worse, so I’ll just go.” I stood up.
“Are you really going to leave me?” the tears were falling faster and I couldn’t bear to watch.
I wasn’t helping anybody by sticking around.
“Okay.” he whispered, looking back down at his hand. His fingers were playing with the beads on the bracelet.
Walking away from my love I could faintly hear him call out, “I love you.”
“You shouldn’t.” I mumbled under my breath.
He shouldn’t love me. I was a monster, all I did was hurt him. I had said it too softly for him to hear.
As he got no response his sobs became louder.
It would be so easy to let go. I was worthless, I never did anything right for Andy.
I crossed the street, picturing a car coming and just hitting me.
Killing me.
It wouldn’t be that hard, and I was actually tempted to.
I couldn’t.
Not to Andy.
I loved him, I couldn’t let him go through that.
“Fuck.”
Why couldn’t life be simpler? Life sucks and then you die; but you never die when you want to…

(Time Lapse; Months Later)

“Thanks. That’s all I needed.”
I watched as Andy stood up, brushing dead grass off of him.
I can’t believe I let him go.
My love.
My life.
My Andy.
I loved him to death but being in a relationship just wasn’t good for him. I was emotionally unstable, I was a worthless excuse of a person.
I never hurt him, physically at least.
Emotionally.
Always emotionally. I couldn’t even look in the mirror anymore, knowing I caused the pain in his beautiful eyes.
Knowing I was the sole reason behind so many of those cuts on his tiny wrist.
I broke us up, knowing it was the best thing to do.
If he wasn’t attached to me, he could find someone worth his time. Someone who helped him up and never hurt him.
He’d never find someone who loved him as much as I do though.
When we broke up I knew he would fight back. To come back.
That’s when I started dating a girl; knowing just how much it would hurt him.
He couldn’t have a chance.
To top it off, they hated each other.
He was barely around me, just like I had planned.
Like I had hoped for.
I didn’t actually believe he loved me that much.
Turns out I was wrong; instead of letting go he had held on tighter.
I couldn’t believe I had hurt him worse apart than when we were together.
He gave me a weak smile, starting to walk away.
“Where are you going?”
Was this all? Did he just want me to say I hated him?
I didn’t!
What else could I say to him? That’s what he wanted to fucking hear!
“I’m letting go.”
Was this it?
Go our separate ways, never to speak to each other again.
The closure he needed?
Somehow I couldn’t believe that.
“Letting go of what?!”
“Life.”
What the fuck.
He started walking away towards the street.
I don’t know where he was going. He didn’t live that way!
“Andy!” I called out, but he gave me no sign that he heard me.
Reaching the edge of the street he stood before the passing cars.
They showed no sign of slowing down as the frantic drivers were eager to get home to a dinner with their families.
In the back of my mind I remembered all the times I passed this street.
How I wished one of them would just kill me.
No!
I started running towards Andy, but I knew I would be too late.
He stepped off the curb, walking towards the middle of the street as if there was no one around him.
“Andy!” I called out again.
He threw something behind him, just seconds before a car hit him.
It was a large SUV.
Oh, fuck.
The car was swerved over the side of the road, crashing into another car. Andy was lying on the ground, being swarmed with worried people.
“I love you.”
I heard him whisper to me when he had found my face. With his last breath before his eyes closed.
I was frozen in shock.
The wail of the sirens pushed me back into reality and I forced myself through the people.
They were carrying Andy onto a stretcher, a paramedic checking his pulse.
He shook his head, casting a frown to the man inside the ambulance. He came out, holding a white sheet in his hands.
They draped it over Andy’s still figure.
Andy.
My precious little Andy.
This couldn’t be happening.
I fell onto my knees, a sob escaping from my lips.
Tears fell steadily.
I rarely cried, there was never reason too.
The last time I cried was the night I broke up with him
My hand felt something cold, and I expected a bottle cap or something.
Instead it was a bracelet.
The one I had given Andy months and months ago as our two year anniversary present.
He had worn it all this time, even after we broke up.
I couldn’t consider the painful reminders it must have held for him every time he saw it.
I couldn’t look at it.
“Wait!” I called out to the paramedics before they loaded Andy into the ambulance.
They looked at me, confused.
“He needs this.”
I handed them the bracelet, before walking away.
Even if he was dead, the bracelet was his.
It always was, and it always will be.
Just like my heart.
“I love you Andy.” I whispered softly, tucking my hands into my jacket pocket.
“Always and forever.” tears silently fell down my cheeks as I walked home.