It Was Always You.

The next two weeks passed quicker than I thought. It was the night before we were to leave to go home to Vegas. Brendon and I were throwing clothes across our room to gather the perfect outfits to coordinate with the weather.

“Lo, you okay?” Bren asked, looking concerned.

“Mhm. Just tired of packing and ready to be home,” I replied, closing my eyes and daydreaming of finally seeing my family again.

“Sorry, I just want to make sure you’re fine, honey.”

I nodded and walked over to him, pulling what he was holding out of his hand and tossing it on the floor and planting his hands on my hips. His natural reaction was to kiss me roughly. This was a side of Brendon I hadn’t known and I sort of liked it. He gently pushed me back on the bed and straddled my hips, moving his kisses down my cheek and against my neck. I let out a soft moan.

“B-bren?” I whispered.

“Yes, baby?” He said, looking at me in all seriousness.

“What a-are we doi-ing?” My voice cracked.

“Did you not… I mean, I don’t mind waiting until you’re more comfortable.”

I blushed and looked away – my signature move to let people know I was uncomfortable, but that I wanted something.

He kissed my cheek innocently. “I’m sorry, Lo.” He pushed himself up and went back to folding clothes and packing.

I sat up watching him – dazed about what had just happened. I felt bad. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t find myself having sex with Brendon until I was comfortable. I didn’t want it to become something we did all the time and that was it.

The rest of the time he packed, he didn’t make eye contact. He kept up the small talk about school and Kyoko. I knew there was something wrong. He was being distant.

---

After we packed, I took a shower and put on some warm pajamas to help me sleep. When I walked into our room, Bren was already asleep. His quiet breathing and slight snoring pulled me closer and closer. I climbed into the bed and curled into him, feeling him tense and then relax.

“Harlow?” His tired voice muffled.

“Yes babe?” I replied, cuddling into his hair – my nose against his neck, taking in his scent.

“Just making sure it was you,” He murmured.

I kissed his neck and wrapped my arms around him, nuzzling my warm body against his cooler one.

“I love you,” I whispered into his ear.

I felt his back tense against my words. “I love you too, Lo.”

His sleepiness made me tired enough to fall asleep.

---

Around three, I woke up to some violent moving around – thrashing, even. I had rolled back over to my side. I looked at the clock and rolled over to Brendon having a nightmare. His panicked state in his sleep scared me so much. I grabbed ahold of his shoulder and started yelling his name at him to wake him up.

Brendon woke up, sitting up quickly, tears pouring down his face. His arms quickly wrapped around my body and pulled closer, nuzzling his wet cheeks into my neck.

“Lo, I’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry…” His voice quivered and broke into silence. Tears continued to stream down his face and I couldn’t help but start crying with him.

“Brendon, what’s wrong?” I asked, tears dripping from my cheek into his warm brown hair.

The tears just kept flowing and at one point I thought it was a panic attack. But it wasn’t. There was something legitimately wrong and Brendon wasn’t talking to me. I didn’t want to pry if that’s not what he wanted.

I held him close, trying to steady his emotions. He quickly fell back to sleep, and I listened as his breathing steadied and turned into light snoring. My mind wandered as to what his deal was about that. Normally, his night terrors turned into something real and this could only have meant one thing.

---

The car ride to the airport was the most silent it had been in months. The airplane ride to Vegas was just terrifying and cold. When we stepped off the plane into the Vegas sun, we knew we were both home. We wandered around the terminal and found our luggage, as well as both sets of our parents. The reunion was full of hugging and kissing.

Brendon’s idea was to get us a hotel, but with our families living in town, they both offered to take us in. We decided to switch off during the weekend and spend time with both families.

As Brendon’s parents took us back to my house, we were asked random questions like, “When’s the big day?” and “Have you even started planning yet?” Brendon and I played it off like it was nothing out of the ordinary.

When we got to my house, my parents had thrown together a party. The excitement that ensued was perfect, but Bren and I seemed to become more and more distant.

Later, after the party, Brendon and I sat in my room, resting from the day and the slight jetlag. It had been so nice seeing everyone again, but it wasn’t so nice seeing Bren seem so upset and so quiet to me.

I flipped through an old magazine at my desk while Brendon prodded away at his laptop and cell phone – probably making plans to get back into the studio before we got married (if that happened). I didn’t want to interrupt what he was doing, but the nagging feeling was just becoming overbearing and making me extremely upset.

“Bren, can I ask you something?” I mumbled, setting the raggy magazine down.

“Mhm?” He replied, not looking up from his laptop.

“What was last night about? I know that isn’t like you unless something is going on and I feel sort of… distanced from you.” I looked down and picked at my nails – a serious nervous habit I hated.

“I guess wanting to have sex with you overcame me and I thought back to something that’s extremely unimportant. It doesn’t matter, Lo. It’s in the past and I love you. Right now, though, I’m busy.”

I nodded and went back to anxiously picking the skin around my nails. I wasn’t sure how to take this kind of silence, especially from Brendon. I wasn’t ever sure. He’d always been able to tell me something and he never hid it.

I looked back up at him – his face all pinched and worried. I opened my mouth to say something to him and a knock interrupted my train of thought. My dad opened the door.

“We’ll be back. We just have to run to the store for a while. Mike went out with some friends from school and the kids are coming with us to give you two some quiet time. Love you!” He said, shutting the door.

I sighed, standing up and walking over to Brendon, shutting the laptop and taking the phone out of his hands. I didn’t care to see what he was looking at; all I wanted was attention. He looked up at me with frustration as I sat the electronics on the floor and straddled him, almost like the night before.

“Harlow Richie, do you realize I was in the middle of some important stuff?!” He cried, almost too infuriated with me to understand what was going on.

“I do,” I said slyly, and kissed him – the first kiss all day.

The anger from Brendon and my confusion created some amazing tension that eventually turned into passion. He seemed a bit hesitant at first, but as the feelings continued, he softened a bit in his kisses. They trailed the same distance down my neck and his hands trailed underneath my tank top.

He looked up at me with his brown eyes and I nodded reassuringly. His fingers caressed places my body had never felt and it stung like fire. My hands found their way to the bottom of his t-shirt and he moved back for me to take it off. I threw the shirt across the room and Brendon’s gaze burned into me. The fire and passion that mixed in his eyes warned me of what was about to happen. I bit my lip nervously awaiting his next move – something he absolutely loved. His hands pulled at the hem of my shirt and I arched my back so he could remove it. He kissed my collarbone and moved back up my neck to my ear.

He whispered, “Harlow, don’t be afraid. Know that I love you.” He bit my earlobe and his fingers traced across my covered breasts. He undid the plain bra I decided to wear that morning. I didn’t care what I wore because he loved me all the same. Before he took off the bra and expose this new land of my body, he pushed me onto the bed. The cool of the sheets against my warm back was something almost terrifying. He pulled the straps off of my shoulders and down the length of my arms, leaving just the cups covering me.

I blushed at the thought of Brendon and I actually having sex, but to be in the moment was so different. I knew he loved me. I knew that I wouldn’t regret this. And I knew in my heart that I loved him.