There Goes My Hero

When Kirstie left, I changed into my suit and put on sunscreen. But I ended up not leaving the room and instead, laying on the bed. Just when I'm doing okay, he comes up in my mind again and I find myself feeling depressed again. I pulled my hat over my face and sighed, laying completely still and fiddling with the diamond studs he had given me. I knew this vacation was so I could relax and forget about everything but it was harder than it seemed. I didn't want to ruin the vacation for everyone else and I knew I would be pouty out on the beach. I sighed and had myself a little pity party, laying in my bikini alone in Kirstie and I's room. My phone sang Yellow Submarine, Kirstie's ringtone. I silenced my phone and rolled over onto my stomach, burying my face into the fluffy pillows. I didn't have tears anymore, I'm pretty sure I cried all of them out over the past few weeks. I was just drained and felt an empty spot in my heart. I had briefly considered quitting S.H.I.E.L.D for fear of having something like that happen to me again. I hadn't talked to Kirstie much about this. I didn't want her to worry and I didn't want to bring her down from her Steve high. I felt completely alone and utterly useless. I just wanted to go back in time and never join so I would never have met him.

I got up and went into the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror. Sure, I looked just like myself but I knew I wasn't myself. My eyes were duller and I found myself trying less and less to seem happy and okay. My body and mind were exhausted, I even found myself giving up on speaking English at times. I could say whatever I felt in Norwegian and nobody could bother me about it. I could scream about how hurt I am on the inside and no one will know what I say. I let out a sob and leaned against the counter, putting my head in my hands. Just when I thought the tears were gone, they came flooding in, my whole body shaking with sobs. I didn't hear the door open or the footsteps coming into the room. But once I heard the voices, I wanted to run and hide. Everyone was suddenly right outside of Kirstie and I's room.

“Katie.” Loki said softly, pulling me into his arms and holding me tightly. I didn't want them all to see me weak like this but it was too late to try and dry my eyes before they arrived. They appeared and I was caught. I couldn't hear what they were saying but I know they were talking. I could make out Kirstie's voice and then the door was being shut.

“I didn't want to ruin everyone's vacation.” I said into Loki's chest.

“You're not ruining anyone's vacation.” he said quietly, rubbing my back gently.

“I just want to forgot, why can't I?” I said. He sighed and rested his chin on my head, completely wrapping me up in his arms.

“You will never forget. But it will get less painful in time, I can promise you that.” he said.

“That's not fast enough.” I replied, my sobbing finally stopping.

“You have great friends to help you. Let us help.” he said. I sighed and looked up at him. He wiped a few stray tears from my cheeks and held my face gently. “Please, stop crying.” he said softly.

“I want to. It just keeps happening.” I said.

“It will stop eventually...but we all want you to have fun on this vacation.” he said. I nodded and took in a shaky breath.

“Okay.” I said after a few deep breaths. He dropped his hands but wrapped an arm around my waist as he lead me out of the room. Everyone had left, which was a huge relief for me. We walked out and onto the beach, where they all were either in the water or lounging around. Kirstie sent me a smile from her spot in the big beach cabana. She was reading a magazine but she put it down as we walked over.

“You okay?” she asked.

“Yeah....yeah, I just needed some time.” I said. She smiled and patted the spot next to her. I looked over at Loki but he was already looking back at me. “Thank you.” I said. He nodded and let go of me, walking over to where Thor was, leaving me with Kirstie.

“Don't worry, Katie. This will be a fun time, it's only the first day.” she said, trying to reassure me.

“You're right.” I said, taking a spot next to her.

“It'll get better.” she said quietly, sending me a reassuring smile.

“Thanks, Kirstie.” I said, smiling a little now.

“There we go! Now, let's have fun.” she said. I smiled again and nodded, looking out to the beautiful island in front of me.