This Elevator Only Goes Up to Ten

Three days later, I woke up with Mikey in my face.

"What the hell do you want?" I groaned.

"I want to know why you're with him," Mikey stated.

"With Frank?"

"Yes. He's only seventeen. And it's illegal to have sex with him. You could go to jail."

I groaned again. "Only if someone finds out. And I know you won't tell. Unless you hate me."

"I don't want to tell, but I will if I have to."

"What do you mean by that?" I stared at Mikey. He wouldn't actually tell anyone about me and Frank, would he?

Mikey pushed his glasses up his nose. "I don't truly know, but I promise I won't tell as long as you don't hurt him. And by that I don't want to see you break his heart. He may say he loves you, but does he know what love is? Do you know what love is? Hell, I don't even know what it is!" Mikey looked down at his shoes.

I sat up and pulled my brother down next to me. "What's wrong, Mikey?"

"It's Sabra. She dumped me."

I breathed. Mikey was in love with Sabra since seventh grade. She was a cute little blonde with a great taste in music. She wore all black and didn't give a shit what people thought about her. She seemed like she loved Mikey, a lot.

"What happened?"

"I don't know if you want all of the gory details but I guess it won't hurt. We were making out, about to have sex, when I noticed her arm. She was cutting again."

I understood why it was hard for Mikey to talk about it. He had helped Sabra stop cutting, and he felt proud of her and himself for doing it.

Mikey continued. "So, I asked her about it and she broke into tears. And as you know, Sabra's a strong girl. She doesn't cry. But she did and so I kissed her wrist and she grabbed it back. I asked her why she did it and what she said crushed me. She said she cut herself because she had cheated on me." Mikey closed his eyes for a second. "I asked her with who and she said she didn't know his name. All I know is that she slept with him and that he didn't have glasses. I thought she loved my glasses."

"I'm sorry," I said. I meant it. "I thought she was perfect for you."

"That's what I thought. So I don't want Frank to be like me. Thinking that he's loved when he's just being teased."

"I'm not teasing Frank!" I said, a little louder than I intended.

"I know that, but Sabra wasn't either. Not at first." Mikey stood up. "I should go. And can I take my bass? I left it here the last time I came over."

"Sure, it's in the kitchen."

"Cool, see you later, Gerard."

I grunted. I thought about Sabra for a moment. I went out with her for a little bit my Junior year in high school. She was also the girl I lost my virginity to. Mikey lost his virginity to her, he told me. It sucked, I don't even think Sabra remembered sleeping with me. She was, sorry to say, a slut. She was the girl that slept with everybody in your biology class. It wasn't that she liked sex, it was more that she needed love so much that sex was the only option.

I picked up my phone and scanned through my contacts. When I found the one I wanted, I hit the call button.

She picked up after two rings.

"Gerard," Sabra said.

"Sabra," I said back. This is how we usually started conversations.

"What do you want? Is it because of Mikey?"

"Why did you sleep with that guy?" I wish I knew his name, so Sabra could feel the bitterness when I said his name.

"He was willing."

"But you love Mikey. And he loves you! You two we so fucking perfect! Why the fuck did you fucking leave him?" I knew I was saying 'fuck' a lot, but I needed to.

"Did you forget that we had sex years ago?" Sabra said dryly, ignoring my question.

So I guess she did know it was me she screwed. I sighed. "No, I lost my virginity to you. That's kind of hard to forget."

"I lost mine to you." I didn't know that, and I didn't believe it at first. "I was so stupid, I wasn't on the pill and you didn't wear a condom. I got pregnant. So I took this other pill that made the baby-" She didn't finish the sentence.

I felt tears fall from my eyes. I could've been a father. But at the wrong age. I hurt Sabra in more ways than imagined possible. That's why she hated me so much, not because I wouldn't let her smoke, but because I got her pregnant.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered. I wasn't even sure she could hear me.

"I know. And I want to take that night back. Nothing against you, or the fact about me getting pregnant. That's the night I turned into a whore. And I hate it, now I need sex. I want Mikey back." I could tell by the change in her voice that she started crying. "Look, I have to go." She hung up and I threw my phone on the ground.

I hated myself right now. I walked to my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. For a second I saw myself when I was fourteen; unattractive, weak, ugly. I looked at myself now. My hair that was too long for its own good, my teeth that refused to grow, my thin lips. Why did Frank want me? I glanced at the razor just sitting on my sink. It wouldn't be that hard to just slide it across my throat. Sure, it would be painful, but it would get the job done. Only a couple of people would miss me. My mother, because she's my mom; Frank, but he would move on; and Mikey, because he was my brother. I shook my head and grabbed the razor. I pressed it against my neck when I saw the picture on my mirror. It was a picture of Mikey and Sabra; she was laughing and he was smiling. Sabra was about four feet and ten inches, so Mikey hovered over her by a large amount of inches. They looked happy in this picture. And they were staring at me. I crushed the razor in my palm, causing it to start bleeding. I glanced at the cut and laughed. That could've been my throat.

"FUCK!" I screamed, throwing the razor at the mirror, shattering it. I heard a faint knock at the door.

I walked to the door and opened it, with a sour expression on my face. It was, of course, Frank.

He looked at my arm, which was now covered with blood. "What happened?" he asked.

I decided to twist the truth. "I was putting away a razor when I gripped it too hard and it cut my skin." I showed him the gash in my palm. He flinched. "I haven't had a chance to clean it off yet. What's up?"

"Not much but I know you're lying. I can see the shape of a razor on your neck. Why, Gerard, did you want to do that?" He wrapped his arms around me. "I love you," he muttered as he kissed my chest. "Promise me that you'll never do that again."

"I promise," I said. I hoped it was a promise I could keep.