I Only Have Myself To Blame

I sat on the bus staring at my twitter feed seeing the ridiculous things people were posting about life. This was my life now. Sitting on a bus with my best friend Andy when he wasn't singing. It was his idea of getting me out and he just kept bringing me along ever since. I loved it. I loved meeting random amazing musicians. I loved seeing Andy doing what he loved but it all came with a price. The price of my emotions. Sure after three years it was barely there but sometimes I'd look at Andy and replay the good bye in my head. This is what he spent years pursuing and this is what he became.

I hate sounding like I'm ungrateful for what Andy has been doing for me. I mean, he has practically given me the entire world at my feet by letting me tag along and do nothing on the tours except hang out with him and the band.

I hated myself for hating him. I hated myself for leaving the way I did when I should have stayed. We could have fixed things.

"Mady! We're all going to grab a bite to eat since they finally closed down and they're letting the bands eat now. Wanna come?"

"Hell yeah. I'm down." I said grabbing my beer from beside me and walking beside Andy. My shorts were shorter than needed, and my shirt almost too tight but I didn't care. I liked what I looked like. I liked getting funny stares from people with no life.

"So how did today go?"

"I got told that a girl had a hotel room and room key for me. Uhm.. Someone wrote a song for me which was cool. I mean, it's become the norm for tours like this. Warped tour is the 'expect the unexpected tour' for bands." he said laughing as we got to the tent. It was packed with so many people but it had enough room for us all.

"What do you want? A burger? Hot dog? Mac n cheese? What?"

"Oh I'll just eat whatever I guess. I'm going to find the rest of the group." I said hugging him before scanning around spotting Jake at a table.

"Jake!" I screamed marching over.

"Well hey there hot stuff. How much?"

"You're not funny, but I adore you regardless."

"I know. I know. Are you getting food?"

"Andy's getting me some. How did the set go today?"

"It went pretty damn swell if you ask me." he said chuckling to himself. "So many smokin' girls in the crowd today. I mean, I know that Carolina is full of sexy women but still."

"Oh my God Jake. You're absolutely awful."

"I'm not awful. Just extremely observant."

"I got you a little of everything." Andy said grabbing two chairs sitting them beside me.

"Well thank you kindly sir. It looks delicious." I said smiling up at Andy.

The thing with Andy was after two years of knowing him not only I saw how much he liked me but everyone else saw it too. Honestly I was flattered but after everything that I went through the past few years I couldn't bring myself to have feeling for anyone. I hated myself for feeling like I was leading him on. It was almost like just saying hello made him think I felt the same way. I wish I could feel the same way, I'm just so numb to emotions at this point I can't.
"So have you met some of the other bands yet?" Jake said stealing some fries off my plate.

"Nah.. I haven't."

"Well damn. That's a must do by the end of the night." Andy said smiling. "I can take you when you're done eating if you want. I really want you to meet Sleeping With Sirens. They're chill as fuck. You're gonna love them."

"Alright." I said looking around the room.

When I finished we mingled through the crowd going table to table. I met what felt like five hundred people from newer musicians not even on labels yet to major ones like All Time Low; Mayday Parade; We the Kings. Everyone I could have imagined was pretty much on this tour and in this room

"And this is our really good friends Sleeping with Sirens. Guys, this is our friend Madalyn. She's chilling with us for the tour." he said draping his arm around my should. "Mady, this is my friend Kellin."

It didn't hit me until I saw his eyes. They pierced straight through me.

"Oh uhm.. Hello guys, Andy.. I think I might head back to the bus soon.. I need another drink. I might go find Kyle and see if he has something stronger than beer right now." I said wiggling out from his arm.

"Mind if I tag along.. I uhm.. I could use a drink?" Kellin said lightly standing up.

"No uh I'll be fine." I said weaving through the tables before I got out of the tent.

"Are you alright Mads?" Andy said pulling me closer almost instantly.

"Uhm.. I don't know.. I just.. I need a drink. Or a smoke or something. I need out of here."

Andy nodded waving goodbye to his friends while we rushed out.

"Mady! Wait." Kellin's voice called from behind me as he grabbed my hand.

Andy went tense almost as if he knew Kellin was who I was avoiding.

"Want me to stay?"

"No... I'll be okay. I'll meet you at the bus."

"Oh Mady.. It's really you.. You're.. Different." Kellin said brushing the hair from his face.

"What do you want Kellin.."

"Are you okay."

"I'm fucking perfect. Now let me go get a drink and some other grand stuff to get you off my mind."

"You're not okay.. Well then please tell me what's wrong.. Tell me what I did to make you hate me so much."

"Tell you what you did? Are you kidding me right now or are you that much of a fucking moron you really don't know. You left me Kellin. You left me all alone back home. I had to leave everything I knew and loved to get away from the memory of you or what could have been us."

"It's been three years.. Can't we finally talk about things.. Please?"

"What is there to talk about Kellin! Nothing! You left ME. I left town. I grew up and and made new friends and you party and do gigs. What's there to be said. You're doing so fucking great with out me."

"I am not. Mady I haven't stopped thinking about you for three years. I went to your house the night you left and I read the note before you parents. I went out AFTER you and I couldn't find you. I breached my contract to attempt to find you that night and almost LOST my record contract and my band. Doesn't that say anything about what I feel for you??!"

"It says you were just as pathetic then as you are now. If you cared about me back then you wouldn't have signed that contract until I left for school like you promised. I never did go to school. I never did become that doctor I had so much hope to be because I couldn't go back there. Now please.. Let me go find Kyle and see if he has alcohol and weed and want's to chill. I need it now that I know you're here."

"This isn't you. Please.. Just.. Come to my bus. I have alcohol on there.. We can hang out and drink and fix things. Just.. Please."

"I really don't think that's a good idea.." I said holding my arms against me. "Being around you isn't a good idea.."

"Please Mady.. I need you. I need you to understand that I did this for you. I did all of this because I love you that much. I did back then and I still do now Mady.. Just please."

Kellin wrapped his arms around me pulling me into his embrace. I didn't fight him off I just feel into him and cried. I missed him. I missed being so close to him we were almost inseparable.