Say Nothing

I sat and strummed my guitar as Shaun sat next to me, whining and complaining. I ignored his begging and pleading for me to join him in going to a 'holy crap, we missed the Forth of July and didn't have a party!' party. Some of my old friends decided on having a late Forth of July party, which really, is a lame excuse to shoot off illegal fireworks in their backyard.

“Please! Frank, come on. You don't do anything anymore!” Shaun whined for the millionth time in the past five minutes.

I rolled my eyes and strummed a few notes that I liked as I said, “No, Shaun.”

“For just an hour?” He begged.

“Why do you want me to come so bad?” I smiled at the note I just played. That note sounded really good with the others. I took a mental note to write this down and attempt to make some lyrics with it.

“Because! I'll be all alone! My ex, Ellie, will be there and she's a bitch! I need my baby Frankie-” I winced a little at the nickname “-to protect me from the dreaded beast named Ellie.” Shaun threw his self on my side. I looked over and bugged my eyes out at him, annoyingly.

“Fine, fine. You owe me, though.” What is wrong with me? Why am I agreeing to this?

Shaun jumped off my bed and excitedly pranced around my room. I rolled my eyes playfully and strummed the note I liked from before. Shaun darted his way towards me and smashed my cheek with a wet and slimy kiss. I moaned out an 'ew' and pushed him away.

Shaun laughed and said, “I'll be back at ten, Romeo.”

“Whatever, Juliet.”

~*~

I was wondering around the house and the loud music, looking lost. I've been here almost an hour and all these drunken idiots have done is danced like whores, take shots, hits from a joint, some were upstairs making crazy sex noises (almost sounded like mating horses with broken legs), and not to mention that they weren't shooting off any fireworks. Somewhere in the middle of this, Shaun disappeared with his 'dreaded beast' of an ex. I do believe they were making out.

I bumped into a girl and apologized. She shot me a dirty look. I took off into the bathroom and locked the door. I sulked at myself for coming here. Why did I listen to him? I sighed and pulled out the two letters that Juliana wrote me. I carry them everywhere with me. I quickly read them and smiled at the memory of her.

I tucked away the letters in my pocket and left the bathroom as a couple busted in there after me. I glanced over and noticed it was Shaun and his 'beast' of an ex. I rolled my eyes and left the house all together. On the sidewalks, you could hear the music blaring and the partiers talking and such.

I walked for a few good twenty minutes away from the party and made my way to the beach. I looked at my wristwatch; it read 11:30. I was a little bit early, but that's okay. I looked at my other wrist, at the bracelet that Juliana gave me on the last night that I saw her.

I made my way to the rock I usually sat on and took my seat. I looked out to the ocean and watched it for the longest time. I thought about Juliana and how much I missed her. It was a really pretty night with a full moon and all. I twisted my bracelet around and listened to the fireworks that people were setting off down miles away at the nearest pier.

I looked at the fireworks and watched them for a while as they shot up and danced gorgeous shapes and colors in the sky. The ocean reflected the colors in the mesh of waves. I couldn't but help to think that Juliana would've loved to see this. Some of the colors were a neon green and they made me think of her and her eyes.

You might be thinking, 'oh, it's been a year! Get over it! You barely knew her that long!' I don't care. I'm still hurting as if it was the day I found out she left me. Have you ever had something so perfect but not everlasting? Juliana was that for me. She was that perfect person and I did want the cliched 'we will last forever.' But sometimes, I'm almost convinced that we never happened.

I froze when I felt a small pair of hands cover my eyes. I held my breath when I felt a slim body press up against my back. My heart had beat a million times in those few seconds because the first thing I thought was 'I'm going to die.' Oh God, I'm an idiot. I'm going to die. I'm going to die without telling Juliana I loved her one last time. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

“Guess who,” the mysterious 'murderer' said.

I felt hot tears prick at my eyes when I realized who it was. I smiled as I ripped the hands away from my face and dove right for Juliana. I engulfed her in a hug and she laughed happily. I held her close and laughed with her. I didn't care as the tears of joy ran down my face.

Is this a dream?

“Is this real? Are you really here? Oh my God,” I said.

Juliana pulled away a little and replied, “I'm really here, Frankie.”

I pulled away a little a looked her over. She looked ghostly with her pale skin. Juliana got a lot thinner. Her eyes looked more sunken in with obvious rings of no sleep. I think the thing that shocked me the most is that all of her shoulder length hair that I remembered was spiked up in a short pixie hair cut. Nonetheless, I thought she still looked absolutely beautiful.

“Your hair looks fucking awesome.” I grinned as reached up to touch her short hair cut.

Juliana chuckled as she said, “And yours is long as ever.”

She reached up and wiped away my tears. I awkwardly laughed and shook my head as more escaped from my eyes. Juliana frowned and pulled me into another hug. She held onto me tight.

“I'm so sorry, Frankie. I'm so fucking sorry. I had to go, I'm sorry.” I rubbed her back as she apologized.

“It's okay... I'm just glad you're here now.” I kissed the side of her temple.

We hugged for the longest time before anyone said anything. I had this overwhelming sensation of excitement and fear. I was excited that she was here and I was in fear that she was going to leave again. I didn't want her to leave me. I hoped and prayed that she wasn't going to leave me again.

I calmed down from my tears and took in her scent. She smelled wonderful, almost like honey. I kissed the side of her head again and she suddenly took a gasp of air in. I backed away and gave her a sorry filled look.

“Your lips are so cold,” Juliana explained. I nervously bit my lip ring and she smiled. “Your lip ring didn't help much, either.” I laughed and quit chewing on my lip ring. Juliana looked up and asked, “Will you kiss me anyways?”

I leaned forward and planted a kiss on her lips. Dear God, it was such a relief being able to kiss her again. It was amazing just to hug her and have her here with me, but kissing her was on a complete different level. We had kiss closed mouth to open eyes. It wasn't awkward that we were looking at each other while kissing.

I missed her neon green eyes. They looked like they had lost their sparkle, but there was a hint a happiness planted somewhere in there. Just looking at her eyes, you could tell this past year was rough and she was straining everyday. Her eyes looked like ones of an old person with many troubles. It bugged me.

We pulled away and Juliana said, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” I grinned.

I ran my fingers against her bare arm and took notice in the fact that she's paler than last year. I ran my hand over a lump like the one I noticed last year on her neck. Juliana winced when I ran my fingers over her elbow.

“What're you doing, silly?” Juliana nervously laughed.

I shrugged and said, “Nothing. Just taking note on how your skin is so pale.” She rolled her eyes and laughed.

“You could never get over the fact that I'm so pale and I live in the 'Sunshine' state.”

“It's not that-” I giggled with my infamous girly giggle “-it's just so pale and it's reflecting the moons glow. It's not a bad thing, you just look so beautiful and I'm taking in everything I can of you because you look so much more different than last year, but you're still beautiful.” Juliana bit her lip and looked away.

“I'm sorry I left Franki-”

”Please don't talk too much baby,” I began and she turned her attention back to me. “I don't wanna know. I'm just happy that you're here.”

Juliana placed her lips on mine quickly and pulled away saying, “Can we go back to your house, like old times?”

“Of course.”

I took her hand and we made knots with out fingers. We didn't talk on the way to my house, but we held each others hand and stayed close to one another. I still could feel my heart beating a million times a minute and I felt like crying out of joy still. Juliana is here with me and I don't think I have ever been happier.

We approached my house and Juliana tugged me along with her to the porch, excited. I shook my head and laughed as I followed her newly found fast pace to my house. I opened the door, we kicked off our shoes quickly, and she lead me upstairs to my bedroom. My mom wasn't home; she was working night shifts still.

Juliana busted into my bedroom and jumped on my bed. I stood next to the bed, laughing, while Juliana fumbled around with my blankets until she was under them and cozy. She opened up the blanket and I jumped in with her. She moved closer to me and I held her close.

You don't know how many nights I dreamed about this; her being home and us just holding onto each other. You don't know how much it hurt me to wake up knowing that it was just a dream and Juliana wasn't there with me. You'll never realize how much I yearned for her touch one last time. You'll never know how many times I prayed for something that I know wouldn't happen. But, here I am, with Juliana.

My dreams have finally come true.

We laid there for an hour, not speaking much of anything, but we were just holding onto each other. I'd plant kisses on the top of her head here and there, telling her I loved her every now and then. Juliana would plant innocent kisses on my shoulder or neck, replying with 'I love you too.'

“Frankie,” Juliana said and pulled away a little. We met eyes and my heart nearly skipped a beat when I looked at her neon green eyes. “I wanna ask you something completely crazy.” I smiled and leaned over to peck her nose. Juliana's face scrunched up and she smiled back at me.

“Okay, shoot.”

“Are you still a virgin?” Juliana asked.

I looked at her like she was crazy and said, “Yeah, I am. Why?”

Juliana's head fell forward and her hands swept over her mouth as she began to cough. It was deep and sounded worse than last year. I rubbed her back and held her close as she coughed. I looked at her shoulder as she coughed, there were small bruises trickling down her back from what I could tell. I frowned.

Juliana stopped and pulled back, giving me a pleading look. “I don't know how much time I have. But-”

I cut her off and said, “No, what is wrong, Jay? Please, tell me. You know I'll understand.”

She leaned her head into my chest as she said, “I know you will. I just... I don't know, Frankie. I wanna give you something I have that no one else can have before I have to go.” I started to panic, taking deep breaths of air.

Juliana looked up at me as I stammered out, “Yo-you're leaving a-again?”

She shook her head yes. “I'm sorry, I know I'm the worst to do this to you. I'm so selfish.”

“No, I'm just glad I'm able to spend this with you.” I kissed her forehead and felt a tug of pain.

Juliana chuckled and said, “Technically, I ran away just to see you.”

A small smile formed on my lips and I said, “My little rebel.”

“You know it.” Juliana giggled and continued, “but I'm serious though... can we do what I wanted to last year? Just once, please?”

I knitted my eyebrows together in thought. I thought about what she was talking about and when I realized it, my eyes probably became the size of the moon. Once again, I found myself questioning, what is air?

“What?” I awkwardly asked, pretending I didn't realize what she wanted.

Juliana looked up at me with her neon green eyes pleading as she said, “Please? I don't know how much longer I have and I wanna experience it once before I-” I cut her off mid-sentence and kissed her lips quickly.

I pulled away saying, “It's better if we say nothing at all and just go for the gold, right?”

Juliana smiled and I couldn't help but return it. She leaned forward and kissed me like she's never kissed me before. It was sweet and innocent but full of passion and love. Somewhere in the middle of the kiss, Juliana shifted on top of me.

It felt awkward as hell having her up there on top of me like that, but I wasn't denying it. I did highly enjoy it. I almost died when she kissed my neck. I could see my own funeral when she took her shirt off and left her bra on when she was on top of me.

Something came over me and I picked her up. I shifted her around and placed her on her back. I moved on top of her so I could be on top. Juliana kissed my neck again as she tugged at my shirt. I tossed it in the abyss of my room and she tugged at my pants.

I let her unbutton my jeans and I tossed them somewhere with my shirt. When I looked back, Juliana was working off her infamous black sweatpants. As she tossed them, I looked at her legs. It was pitch black in my room, but I could see the bruises. I frowned and ran my fingers over them.

“I'll tell you soon, okay?” She whispered. I nodded my head and she continued with, “Don't worry about them. I love you.”

I leaned forward and before I kissed her, I said, “I love you too.”

Juliana held me there and we kissed for the longest time. I was wondering if she was debating on whether or not to go through this and somewhere in the back of my mind, I was wondering if this was a dream or not. I got yanked out of my thoughts when Juliana tugged at my boxers. As she sat up to remove them, I got some balls finally and removed her bra. We tossed them aside and she chucked her panties somewhere in my bedroom.

Never in a million years did I think that I would be giving my virginity to Juliana. To be honest, I never thought in a million years that I would be giving it away to anyone, really. I didn't think it would be this amazing and I didn't think that she'd enjoy it like I did, but the amazing thing was is that she did.

I've never been so much happier in my life.

~*~

I woke up the next morning to a loud knocking noise on my bedroom followed by my mom saying, “Frank!? Are you in there!?”

I shuffled around and before I could sit up, I felt a body against mine. I looked over and grinned. Juliana's sleeping body was against mine. I laid my body back down and kept still. I kissed the top of her head and moved the blankets on top of mine and Juliana's body more.

“Frank!?” My mom exclaimed and questioned.

“Yeah?” I asked, trying not to be loud.

“I know she's in there,” mom said, calmly.

I froze and realized I am in deep shit. Oh shit, Juliana is going to be in even more deep shit than I am. Didn't she say last night that she 'technically ran away to see me?'

“No, no one's in here,” I said, lying.

I heard my mom give out a heavy sigh and replied with, “Her parents are here as well as her grandmother. They are very worried and I suggest you two to wake up and get downstairs. Try not to look guilty of the obvious if you can.”

I heard my mom shuffle away from the door and I sighed out. Juliana's muffled giggled followed after my sigh. I leaned backwards a little and she looked up at me, she looked deathly sick, but still looked happy. I kissed her forehead as she kept giggling.

“Busted,” Juliana said through her giggles. I sighed and smiled.

“I guess so.”

“But it was worth it, right?” Juliana asked.

“Anything is worth being with you,” I told her and kissed her forehead again. I quickly pecked her lips and jumped out of my bed.

“Oh God,” Juliana groaned out of awkwardness and covered her eyes quickly.

I looked down and laughed heavily out of my own awkwardness. I'm naked, oh well. I quickly scooped up my clothes and got them on as fast as I could. I grabbed all of Juliana's clothing and handed them off to her. I turned around as she got dressed.

We fixed each others hair and laughed the whole time. I kissed her a couple of times before I heard my mom yelled up the stairs for me. I sighed and hugged her, to stall going downstairs. Juliana leaned up and pecked my lips on last time before taking my hand. She led the way downstairs to our demise.

There stood my mom, two annoyed looking people (who I assumed to be her parents), and her Granny. I looked over at Granny Slade and she gave me a warm smile that I returned. I looked back over at Juliana and she looked pale as a ghost. Her eyes looked dazed. It was obvious she didn't look good at all.

“Juliana Michele Slade! What were you thinking!?” the woman exclaimed.

“I'm sorry mom,” Juliana replied with no emotion in her voice.

The man and the woman, who are her parents, jumped all over Juliana. They yelled at her for being gone all night without them knowing where she was and who she was with. Granny Slade only smiled in the background. Juliana didn't say anything and just took everything they threw at her.

I took the time to look at the two people who created the girl that I adore. Her dad was tall with tan skin, platinum blonde hair, and brown eyes. She got his hair color. Her mom was short with even tanner skin, black hair, and the neon green eyes. She pretty much was the spitting image of a younger version of her mom, minus the black hair and tan skin.

“You know you can't be over-working yourself! Especially with your leu-” Juliana ripped her hand away from me pushed her mother while she was in mid-sentence. I heard Granny Slade mumble 'oh no' in the background.

“No!” Juliana exclaimed, looking back at me with worry.

Juliana's mom looked pissed and shocked all in the same moment. Juliana quickly moved back behind me and grabbed my arm. I tried to look over at her, but she was tucked behind me, hiding from her mom.

“You!” Her mother exclaimed at me. I widened my eyes and tried to not look like I was about to shit myself.

“He did nothing!” Granny Slade yelled from the couch. “I don't want to hear any of this anymore!” Juliana's parents both looked pissed as the looked over at the old woman. “Juliana is young and she wanted to spend the night with him! Leave her alone! She did nothing wrong!”

I heard Juliana giggle against my back and move forward. It took everything I had in me to not walk over there and high five that precious old woman. Juliana came into view and tugged me down. She quickly and dangerously pecked my lips as her parents were facing her Granny. My mom gave me a look like 'seriously?'

After Juliana pecked my lips, she whispered, “I love you.”

I leaned over and whispered back, “I love you too.”

Not even thirty seconds after I replied, Juliana collapsed onto me and fell face first onto my carpet. I widened my eyes as I heard the loud thud against my floor. Juliana's parents turned around, freaking out. I didn't know what to do.

“Jules! Jules! Honey! Wake up!” Her mom flipped her over and Juliana wasn't responding.

My mom shuffled out of the living room and came back a few seconds later, dialing what I'm assuming is 911. I dropped next to her and her dad tried to wake her up. She didn't move. I dipped my head over her mouth and tried to listen for something important. I felt tears weld up in my eyes.

She isn't breathing.

I immediately pushed her dad away and jumped on top of her. I began to do CPR as her mom began to cry out. Her dad helped me with CPR as I did the chest compressions and he breathed into her mouth. We went on like this for minutes on end with no response from Juliana. The ambulance sirens got louder and louder as the approached my house and I felt myself begin to cry.

“No! Jay! Come on!” I exclaimed and kept doing the chest compressions.

The paramedics came in and my mom pulled me away from Juliana. They did what they could do and I let out a gasp of happiness when I heard her beginning to struggle for air. One of the medics placed a mask of some sorts on her face before they picked her up and placed her on the stretcher. Juliana's eyes didn't open up, but she was breathing.

They quickly wheeled her out, yelling out the hospitals name were they were gonna be at. Her parents followed after her on the stretcher and my mom scrambled for the keys. I looked over at Granny Slade, who was wiping away stray tears.

I scrambled off of the floor and engulfed Granny Slade in a hug. She embraced me back and we both cried for a few minutes. We both know what the potential of what's going to happen today.

“Come on, guys!” My mom yelled out, taking off outside.

I helped Granny Slade up and we quickly made it outside to the car. Granny Slade jumped in the passenger seat and I sat in the backseat. I shook nervously, trying to stop crying. It was hard not to. I'm so scared for Juliana.

“Frankie, dear,” Granny Slade said. I looked up at her and she tried to give me a warm smile like she always does. “I think it's time you know what's wrong with Juliana.”

I felt myself getting choked up and managed to spit out, “O-okay.” through my tears.

“Honey, she has leukemia,” Granny Slade began. I felt my heart drop.

Juliana has leukemia?

“She's been battling it for the past three years now. She moved up here last summer to attempt to get new treatment, but it didn't help. Do you remember when she left suddenly last year?” I nodded my head yes. “It's because she was in the hospital. It had got so bad that she needed to go again. They wouldn't release her for the longest time.

“Eventually, she was transferred down to a hospital in Florida, closer to her parents. Frankie, dear, she almost died last year. But by some miracle of God, she lived another year.” Granny Slade wiped away some stray tears before continuing. “A few months ago, she began to refuse treatment and demanded to leave the hospital. She was released and begged to come here. A few days ago, she came here with her parents. That's when I'm assuming she made a break for it and found you.”

I cupped my head in my hands and began to cry harder. I felt Granny Slade's hand rub my head gently. It's hard to grasp all of this. Juliana has cancer and she's dying. My Juliana is going to be gone soon and I have no idea what to do with myself.

~*~

I sat in the waiting room with my mom, Granny Slade, and Juliana's parents. We've been waiting, for a while now, for the doctors final prognosis. My mom gently rubbed my back the whole time we waited. I cupped my head in my hands the whole time, letting silent tears fall freely.

Soon enough, a loud clunky of someones shoes came towards us and stopped. I looked up from my hands at the doctor who motioned for Juliana's parents to follow him. Granny Slade jumped up and tugged me with her. I followed as well as did my mom.

We stopped in front of a room and the doctor turned his heel saying, “Can we talk alone Mr. and Mrs. Slade?” to Juliana's parents.

Juliana's mom shook her head no. “Just tell us all. It's alright.”

The doctor looked around nervously and finally said, “We were able to stabilize her for the moment. She is in fact, awake. But currently, we're unsure of how long she may have left.”

Juliana's dad nodded off the doctor and replied, “Thank you so much for what you've done.”

The doctor nodded his head and left in another direction. I felt as if I couldn't breath. This was happening way too fast. Juliana's mom cried softly next to her dad. Her dad looked over at me and warmly smiled in this dark moment.

“We'll go see her first, but we'll let you have your alone time with her after us, alright son?” He asked me. I nodded my head and mumbled 'okay' as Juliana's family ushered into the room.

~*~

An hour passed by and I waited patiently for my turn to see Juliana. Her family came out and smiled at me. Her dad held open the door for me so I could make my way inside. I squeezed through as fast as I could through the door and it closed behind me.

Juliana looked up at me from the bed with an oxygen mask on her face. I could tell even from the mask over her face that she was smiling at me. She scooted over on her bed and patted the spot next to her. I walked over towards her and with each step, I felt as if I was losing myself.

“Jay,” I mumbled out through my tears.

I laid on the bed next to her. She had multiple IV's streaming through her body and I felt awful. I couldn't help but feel like this was all of my fault. I felt selfish and I felt like an asshole. It's my fault that Juliana is in the hospital right now. She'd be okay if she just-

“I love you, Frankie,” Juliana finally said, taking me out of my thoughts. I looked away from the IV's and at Juliana's neon green eyes.

“And I love you, Jay,” I told her truthfully and kissed the side of her head. “I'm sorry all of this is happening to you. You don't deserve any of this.” Juliana gave me a look of weakness and I frowned. She wiped away some of my tears.

“I'm assuming Granny told you about the leukemia?” I nodded my head to her question, feeling myself cry even more. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you.”

I shook my head as I said, “It's okay, Jay. You had your reasons and I respect that.” I draped my arm around her, trying to not touch the IV's. She held me close and laid her head on my shoulder.

I laid mine on top of hers as she said, “Please, no more crying. I don't want these moments to be sad.”

I laughed awkwardly as I replied with, “I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do.” I slowed my breathing down and wiped my tears away. If Juliana didn't want me to cry, then dammit, I will not cry.

“Thank you for such an amazing night last night, Frankie. I'm sorry about today, though,” Juliana said.

I kissed the top of her head. “There's nothing to be sorry about, Jay.”

After I said that, we laid there like that for a while. We just held each other, saying we loved each other every second we could. Somehow, we both had this silent agreement that we knew that she wasn't going to make it any longer and we tried to hold onto the last moment with each other.

~*~

Two days went by and Juliana was in the same state as she was before. I didn't leave the hospital at all except to go shower once. I immediately ran back to make sure I was there with her. I hanged around with her family a lot and I even met her older brother, James. They bother had the platinum blonde hair and neon green eyes.

“I love you, Frankie,” Juliana whispered to me through her oxygen mask.

“I love you too, Jay.” I kissed the top of her head. I laid as close as I could get with her and I held her close. “I hate knowing that soon you'll be out of my reach,” I told her truthfully. I think I surprised her because I never talked about her leaving me.

“I know, Frankie, me too.” Juliana looked up at me with sorrow in her eyes. “But, I'll always be here with you. I'll always be with you every step of the way.” I bit my lip, holding back the tears as I nodded my head.

“Will you do treatment again?” I asked. “I don't want you to leave me, Jay.” I, once again, got the sorrow filled look from Juliana.

“Frankie, I'm done trying. It's not going to save me... I'd rather not live the life of pain that I have now.” I kissed her temple and held the tears that were attempting to escape.

“I know, I understand. I'm going to miss you so much.” I felt a couple of stray tears.

Juliana brushed away from of the tears and smiled halfheartedly as she said, “I'm gonna miss you too.”

Before I could say anything else, her mom came in the room and said quietly, “Frank, the doctors want us out of the room for a while.” I nodded my head as she left.

Juliana smiled and said, “Now, put on a cute smile for me.” I chuckled and smiled. “Don't be sad, I'll always be here with you-” she poked my chest where my heart is “-I love you, always and forever.”

I nodded my head and said, “I love you too, always and forever.”

Juliana quickly looked at the door and back at me as I got up from the bed. She swiftly pulled off the oxygen mask and motioned for me to come over. I kissed her on the lips for a few seconds before pulling away, smiling. Juliana slid on the mask quickly.

I hugged her, kissed the top of her head, and walked away from the bed. I made my way to the door before I heard Juliana cough. I turned around and she smiled when she stopped.

“I'm okay, Frankie.” I nodded my head and she said, “Wait.”

“Yeah, Jay?”

“I love you.” Juliana blew me a kiss.

I pretended to catch it as I said, “I love you too.”

~*~

Another hour passed by and I was currently buying myself a drink from the vending machine down the hall from Juliana's room. I heard loud beeping noises and someone over the intercom yelled out a code for something. I heard scrambling and screeching chairs as doctors and nurses made their way into Juliana's room. I immediately left the machine and was met with Juliana's family.

“No, no, no, no,” her mother breathed out from her tears.

“What's happening!?” I quickly asked, terrified of knowing what the answer is.

Her brother, James, looked over at me with sadness in the same neon green eyes he shared with Juliana as he said, “Jules gave up, Frank. Jules gave up.”

~*~

Almost a week later since she passed away, her funeral was being held at her hometown in New Jersey almost an hour away. I sat in the back with my mom during the viewing. I couldn't bring myself to go see her in that state.

Granny Slade came over to me and said, “Frankie, dear, why don't you sit up front with us? Linda, you too.” My mom mumbled an 'okay' and I just looked at the old woman. “You were someone special to her and you belong close up to her.”

I sat next to Granny Slade and my mom during the funeral. I cried the whole time and my mom held me close, telling me it was okay. I didn't say anything as she rubbed my back. I lost Juliana. It hurts so much to think about that. My Jay is gone and she isn't coming back.

Last week, when she passed away, she wrote everyone special a letter. Mine fully explained why she did what she did and how much she loved me. The letters that were addressed to her mom, dad, brother and Granny were all filled with memories and love. Mine specifically said not to let them read it. I kept my word to that. The funny thing is that she even wrote a letter to my mom. Juliana told her thank you for being the best mom out there and thank you for bringing someone as special as me into the world.

After the service, five other men and myself (making it six) were the ones to carry her in her coffin out to the hearse for her burial. It was James, her dad, her uncle on her moms side, her uncle on her dads side, her last surviving grandpa, and then, me. I was surprised when they asked me to do this, but I accepted, of course.

When we got to the burial and final resting place of Juliana, they opened the coffin one last time before lowering her down. I tucked away letters I wrote her while she was gone in her coffin. I made extra copies of the photos we took together the year before and placed them inside her coffin. I made sure that the bracelet I gave her was still with her and smiled that it was still on her wrist.

I quickly kissed her cheek for the last time before they lowered her six feet under.

~*~

The new school year started up and I was pretty down in the dumps still. I missed Juliana a lot. I kept the bracelet on that reminded me of the last night she was with me over a year ago and when she told me she was in love with me. I still carried the three letters that she had written me; the two from when she was in the hospital in Florida and the letter she wrote me on her last day here.

“Oh my God! You guys!” the science teach exclaimed from the front of the classroom.

I sat in the back, doing all my work like a good student when she yelled at us. We've been in the new year for about a month now. It's my senior year this year; it would've been Juliana's junior year. The misfits of the class sat in the row ahead of me and were disrupting the class.

“You and you-” the teacher pointed at the two in front of me “-come here! You ruined picking out partners for everyone this whole semester!” Everyone in the class but me groaned out of frustration.

The teacher demanded that we all lined up around the classroom as she gave us new seats with our partners for the semester. I didn't care, really. I just needed to get this class over with so I could pass. I felt bad that I didn't know anyone in the class, either, but I was so warped up in my head thinking about Juliana that I didn't care about getting to know everyone in this class or this school, really.

“Frank Iero-” she pointed at me and the desk in front of her “-here.”

I quickly made my way to the seat and sat down. I placed my books in front of me and slouched in my seat. I didn't listen to the name of the person who would be my seat neighbor and my science lab partner for the semester. I felt the seat next to me shift as the person sat down.

“Hey,” a girls voice said.

I looked over at a slightly curvy girl who looked like she dripped in confidence. She was very gorgeous and beautiful. She looked like she was definitely one in a million. She had little bit longer than shoulder length black hair. Her eyes were a pretty deep brown color. Her skin was pale with a hint of tan. She looked nothing like Juliana, but the way that she carried herself reminded me of her.

“Hey,” I replied and tried to smile. “I'm Frank Iero.”

I felt an overwhelming sensation of happiness and I could see Juliana telling me, 'it's time to be happy, Frankie. Talk to her, get to know her!' I bit my lip and tried not to smile like an idiot when the girl smiled at me. Somehow, I felt as if as Juliana pushed this girl towards me as some act of fate.

The girl held out her hand towards me and I shook it quickly as she said, “Nice to meet you, Frank. I'm Jamia Nestor.”

~*~

Frankie,

Please, please, please do not let my parents read this letter. They will come find me in the afterlife and murder me (if that's possible? Haha).

I'm sorry I had to go that way. I couldn't do it anymore. I pulled the IV's and the oxygen mask away from me because when I was younger, I was the one holding my Granny's husband, my Grandpa, when he died of lung cancer. It killed me when I realized what had happened. I was the one there to watch him die.

That traumatized me, Frankie. I hope you understand that when I say, I don't want that to happen to you. I don't want you to be there for me when I pass away. I don't want you to be the one holding me while I let the last breaths of air escape my lips. I don't want that to happen to you at all. That's why I pulled the IV's and oxygen mask.

Putting the sadness aside, I'm glad I met you. I'm glad that I had you in my life for the amount of time I did because you made living so much better. You made my life worth living again. I'm so happy I was able to spend my last days with you. Thank you for being there for me during every experience possible in the short amount of time we had.

Can you believe we had sex? Haha! My mom would have a heart attack knowing you took my 'innocence' away. I'm glad it was with you, though :) I wouldn't want it any other way.

I mean it when I say that I'll always be with you because I will be. I'll be there for everything. You better find a beautiful girl and marry her and have millions of babies! Don't be afraid to be happy without me. You better do what you love and be happy. I hope you do get in a successful band and get famous someday! I know you'll save lives like you saved mine. Frankie, you're so special to me, do you realize that?

I love you so much. I knew I loved you the day that I accidentally bumped you on the beach. Did you know that wasn't an accident? I did it on purpose to get your attention (but that's our little secret). Although, I wasn't expecting Frankie, my dog, to become infatuated with Lee. But nonetheless, I'm glad it happened because I got to know you better.

I'm so glad that I had you in my life. I love you, Frankie. I don't think I'll ever get sick of saying that :) I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU!

But, for now, we'll have to drive in different cars, in different directions until we met each other again. I'll be waiting for you in heaven, alright? I'll be watching over you, okay? I'll always be there for you. Always.

If you ever feel the need to talk to someone, just talk because I'll be there to listen to everything you gotta say. I'll be there with you no matter what.

Until next time,
I love you always and forever,
Juliana xo

PS – did I tell you that I love you? If I didn't, I love you! :)