You End, I Begin

“He’s fucking invited me for dinner with his parents!” I huffed, as I sat down on our couch as Roxy sat at the other end.

“That seems like a pretty normal thing for a couple to do,” she smiled.

“But we’re not a couple, he’s not my boyfriend.”

“Isn’t it about time you two decided what you were?” Roxy asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked looking up from my phone screen that I was tapping away on.

“I mean, you and Joel have been visiting each other for over two months now, you are constantly talking to each but you won’t call him your boyfriend?” she explained. “What is up with that?!”

“I don’t know, I just...” I trailed off. “I guess I don’t know how to be someone’s girlfriend so I just don’t want that label.”

“But Abby, it’s so obvious he loves you, I bet there’s so many girls out there that are jealous of you right now,” she continued. “Do you not think you should just admit you’re in a relationship with him?”

“We’re just friends, Rox, please, can you just leave it?” I asked, trying to get off this topic of conversation.

“But you two are so cute together!”

“Rox, seriously, just leave it.”

It wasn’t that I didn’t like Joel, because I knew I definitely did. I just didn’t want to get to the stage where we became so dependent on each other that we couldn’t do anything else. I had never been the type of person to rely on another to make me happy and I wasn’t about to let that start. I was happy with how things were for me and Joel at the moment and I didn’t want giving each other labels to change that.

But the more I got lost in my thoughts, I began to think of it in a different way. What if Joel did think of us as more than friends, or wanted to be more than friends and I had somehow hurt his feelings by constantly referring to us as ‘just friends’. Dinner with his parents? That was something two people who were pretty serious about each other did. Not two people who were just supposed to be having fun and enjoying each others company.

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“You didn’t have to come get me,” I said, as I watched Joel drive.

“I wanted to,” he told me, staring straight ahead before turning to look at me. “It seemed right, since you’re coming to my house and all.”

“Well, thanks,” I smiled.

After a short drive from my mom’s house to his parents, he parked on the drive and we got out. He immediately took my hand and let himself into the house.

“Mom? Dad?” he called out.

“In here,” a woman’s voice called from a room to the left of the house and Joel led me through to what I guessed was the dining room. “Hi Joel,” she smiled, upon seeing us.

“Hi mom,” he said, letting go of my hand and hugging his mom. “This is Abby,” he introduced, turning back to me.

“Ah yes, I remember,” she smiled. “Good to see you. How are your mom and brothers?” she asked.

“Yeah, good thank you,” I nodded, returning her smile. “Getting there slowly, I think.”

“It will take time of course, but with each other’s love and support it will get easier with time,” she continued to smile.

Joel’s dad joined us and not long after his mom began serving food for us.

“It’s so nice to have you here, Joel’s been talking about you a lot,” his mom said, as she passed around dishes. “It’s about time we get to know you better.”

Over the next hour or so, we all chatted away, I told Joel’s parents things about me and my family, they told me stories of Joel when he was a child. I was very much at ease with Joel’s family and it felt so nice.

“Let me help you clear up,” I said, beginning to stand up as Joel’s mom gather plates.

“Don’t be silly, Rick, make yourself useful!” she instructed, handing Joel’s dad a pile of empty plates. “You kids relax and enjoy yourselves.”

“Best do as she says, mother knows best after all,” Joel smiled, standing up. “Here come with me,” he said, taking my hand and leading me out of the doors at the back of the house.

As we stepped out, I gasped slightly as I looked at the open space in front of me.

“Does this all belong to your house?” I asked, my eyes going wide.

“Yeah, it’s pretty amazing.”

“I’d say,” I smiled, taking as much of it in as I could.

“Here, come with me,” he said as he led me through the yard some more, until we reached a big tree that had a swing hanging from it. “Have a go if you want,” he suggested, pointing to the swing.

I sat down and began to slowly swing back and forth as he stood and watched while the sun beat down on us, making his hair glow.

“I’m glad you came,” he told me. “I was worried you’d cancel or something when I mentioned meeting my parents.”

“I would never do that,” I smiled, I slowed down on the swing until I stopped. “I’m happy to be here. This was nice. You have really great parents, Joel.”

“Thanks, I think they’re special,” he nodded.

I got off the swing and we sat down in the shade of the tree, Joel took my hand and I rested my head on his shoulder. We sat in silence as I felt his shoulders rise and fall as he breathed and his thumb traced circles on the back of my hand.

“OK, what is it?” he suddenly asked.

“Huh?” I asked, completely confused

“You’re thinking something, so just say it.”

“How did you...? How do you do that?” I asked, lifting my head. “I was just thinking that today has been really great, thank you.”

“But?”

“Seriously, how?!” I laughed softly, before the smile dropped from my face. “What do you want from this?”

“Hmm?” he asked, as his head lowered to look at mine.

I took a deep breath before saying my next thought. “What do you want from us, me and you?”

“I don’t know...I guess I never thought about too much,” he shrugged.

“Now that’s a lie.”

“Yeah, I suppose it kinda was,” he said quietly. “I think about it a lot, actually. But I know it’s hard for you, I don’t want to scare you off by being too committed.”

“And are you? Committed, I mean?”

“Well, yes,” he continued. “If I’m being honest.”

“Then I guess I should be too,” I said. “I push people away. I don’t let myself get too close to people,” I said, now refusing to look at his face. It would just break me if I did. “I’ve never had that one person I can turn to when I need someone. Until you.”

“Well I love you, so you’ll always have me, no matter how much you try to push me away,” he told me, putting his arm around my shoulders.

“Yeah, and then there’s that,” I sighed and felt Joel turn to look at me and met his gaze. He looked confused. “I don’t ‘do’ love. I don’t believe it, it doesn’t exist. Not anymore.”

“I don’t understand where that’s come from,” he said.

“People leave, or forget about you or they change,” I explained. “How can you love someone if you end up letting them down? I don’t let love exist anymore.”

“It’s OK, you will one day, and then you’ll understand how much I love you right now,” he said.

“How can you love me?”

“Because there isn’t anything about you that I don’t like, I love you for all that you are and all that you’ve ever been and will ever be,” he told me. “For the past three months, I’ve seen strengths in you I didn’t realize were possible in anyone and I don’t think you realize just how incredible you are.”

“Joel, I don’t deserve you,” I said, bowing my head down.

“No Abs, I don’t deserve you,” Joel smiled slightly. “You deserve the world.”