You End, I Begin

I drove over to Joel’s from my mom’s house. He was home for the weekend so I decided to go back to Phoenix for a couple of nights too so we could spend some time together. He had invited me to his for the night, so I had packed my bag and was making my way over there.

“So, I’ve got a surprise for you tonight,” he said, after I been there a while.

“Oh yeah?” I said, with a wink. “A surprise, huh?”

“It’s probably not what you’re thinking, but we can do that too,” he laughed.

“Alright then, what is it?”

“I’ve got some songs to show,” he said. “You know the songs I told you about before, the ones I wrote...about you.”

“Oh,” I said. I wasn’t expecting that. Not so soon anyway.

“They’re just demos at the moment but I want you to hear them before we actually properly record them.”

“Fine, lay them on me,” I said. I wasn’t excited for this, not one little bit. My mind was split between wanting to hear them but at the same time, hoping this moment would never happen. But I’d already told Joel that I wanted to hear the songs so I couldn’t go back now.

He opened his laptop and clicked on a song and it started to play. The first one started out alright. Didn’t seem too bad, until it got to the chorus.

Your love is forbidden, I want to be the last one taking you on,
Give me a reason, why you want to run when you got it all?...

I’ve been waiting for you to forget, the past is running wild in your head...

It sounded so much like when we used to be friends before we finished high school. As the song continued, I definitely heard things that reminded me of our old friendship, the one that became a triangle with Carlie. The one that destroyed everything and hurt feelings. But I guess it showed me how Joel really felt.

That song ended and before I could say a word, he start the next. The first line immediately made me frown.

You are the definition of a shooting star, somewhere in the atmosphere,
Then you went ahead and disappeared...

I don’t think you know how far I’d go for you,
I don’t think you see all that we can be,
I can’t go and make you fall for me...

This song made me realize how much I’d really held back from Joel when he’d been so open about his feelings for me. He’d always said he didn’t mind that I could never say the same things back but he obviously wanted me to say something at least. Or he wanted us to be going somewhere.

Then came the last song and at this point I didn’t really know what to expect.

Why don’t you wait until I’m dead and gone, to tell me you need me?...

Why don't you leave me here, leave me with the broken memories on the floor?...

You are my weakness...

One thought went though my mind. He thought there would never be a day that I’d finally be able to tell him how I felt and would fully commit to him.

“Soooo...there it is,” Joel said. After the songs had finished, I had stayed quiet, really trying to process what I’d just heard.

“Is this how you’re going to keep the lyrics?” I asked.

“Yeah I think so, we all liked them.”

“Right,” I sighed.

“Just say it, Abby,” he told me, as if reading my mind like he always did.

“Joel, I just think you’re more wrapped up in the idea of me rather than the real me,” I said, getting frustrated. “The way you’ve written about me, it’s not right. That’s not me.”

“Abby, it’s just part of how I write,” he began to explain. “Plus, it is you. Every word I’ve written about you and how I feel about you is true.”

“No, it’s not.”

“I wrote them, I think I know what I wrote is true,” he said, a slight laugh to his words.

“That’s not me you’re singing about,” I said, flatly. “Not the real me anyway. Just the me you think I am. Or the me you want me to be. The one I can not be for you.”

“No, it’s the version of you that you won’t believe you are,” he smiled. “The one that is so special to me.”

“I can’t even process this,” I said, getting frustrated and running a hand through my hair. “You know how I am, why did you ever think this was OK?” I asked, my angry becoming more obvious.

“I wrote most of it before we were even together, some before we were even friends again!” he explained, although his voice was raised.

“So? Doesn’t matter if we were together or not, how can you put this on an album?”

“It’s three songs, there’s going to be so many more than that on the album,” he said.

“Four, including Bleach Blonde.”

“I don’t get what the problem is.”

“I DON’T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW THIS IS ABOUT ME AND HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT ME WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING ME.”

“Abby, the songs aren’t just about you,” he told me. “I mean, they are about you, but there’s bits of other people in there too. Don’t you think this is a little bit selfish?”

“SELFISH?!” I was shouting much louder now. “NO, I DON’T THINK IT’S SELFISH. I don’t want some teenage girls who don’t know me to think this is about me and start talking shit about me. And it being about more girls other than just me makes it worse.”

“How does it?”

“Joel, I’ve got to go,” I said, picking up my bags and starting to walking out of the room.

“Please don’t run from me,” he called, as I walked faster out of his house. “Just talk to me about this.”

“Don’t,” I paused to look at him briefly. “I can’t do this. Don’t call me, please.”

“ABBY!” he called again as I marched towards my car. I couldn’t speak to him anymore and just shook my head as I got in and drove away.