I'm Nothing Without You

February 10th, 2006

[It was February, one of the coldest months in New York yet one of the most beautiful. I watched the cars drive by, honking and weaving in and out of the traffic. I somehow felt a calmness sitting here, alone. I knew that it wasn’t but moments until he would come home. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my waist to keep in the warmth. I glanced up at the dark sky and watched as tiny snowflakes fluttered to the already white ground in the light of our porch. A cloud of what resembled smoke escaped from my lips as I let out a small cough.

“Cam?” My dad’s low voice slurred as he stepped out of the yellow taxi and onto the snow covered sidewalk. He stumbled up the steps and peered down at me like he didn’t realize it was me sitting bellow him. I could smell the alcohol on his breath and his eyes were bloodshot as he continued to stare at me.

He leaned down close to my face, steading himself on the railing. “W-why are you out here a-alone?”
I backed away as far as I possibly could, my back pressed against the brick wall and I swallowed. “I was waiting for you.”

My dad chuckled to himself and inched closer and closer to my face. I balled my hands into fists, ready to strike at any moment. “Well here I am, is this what you were waiting for?”

I didn’t respond and he moved his lips closer and closer to mine. I could feel his breath on my face as
he closed his eyes. I took my hands and pushed against his chest. His confused features quickly turned to rage and he pounded his fists against the brick wall beside my face. I jumped as he grabbed my arm forcefully. “Who do you think you are?!”

“Get off of her.” Spencer warned as he stepped out of our loft.

Dad glanced up at Spencer with an amused look on his face and slurred, “Or what? You’ll hit your old man?”

Spencer looked down at me as I trembled beneath our dad and then back up at him. “I mean it, let her go.”

He eased his grip on my arm and stood upright before saying, “No wonder your mom left you guys.”]

My eyes fluttered open to the sound of clanging pots and pans. I glanced around the room that I was in and quickly realized I was in Ryan’s apartment. I kicked the thin fleece blanket off of my body and sighed into the stiff couch pillow. It had been only a few hours since Spencer left for New York and I was already having nightmares about Dad.

“Oh, you’re up.” Ryan stepped into the living room and wiped his hands on his sweat pants.

“How long was I asleep for?” I sat up and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

Ryan glanced at the clock and sighed, “About three hours, you started to talk in your sleep after an hour, something about your dad.”

I checked my phone, realizing it was only noon and I had no messages from Spencer. I sighed heavily and stood up from the couch. “I guess I should head home.”

Ryan grabbed my hand and held it up to his lips. He kissed my palm and placed it on his chest. I could feel his heart beat beneath my fingers and I felt my stomach flip as he stared into my eyes. “I don’t want you to go.”

I studied Ryan’s features. His dark brown hair was messy from waking up so early and it fell into his eyes. He stared at me with his deep brown orbes and he licked his lips ever so slightly, sending shivers down my spine. Ryan placed his hand on the small of my back and pulled me closer to him. I could feel his breath on my face as he stared into my eyes. I glanced down at his lips and then back up at him and he smiled slightly before inching his face closer to mine.

“If you don’t want to, you can say no.” He muttered under his breath as his lips hovered over mine. I shook my head and grabbed the back of his neck.

“I want to.” With that his lips crashed into mine with such force it about knocked me backwards onto the couch. He steadied me wish his hands and his lips moved in sync with mine. I pulled him closer to me, every part of our bodies touching. I could feel his warmth beneath me and he laid me on the firm couch.

His body rested on top of mine as we continued to kiss. I had never felt something as thrilling as this, kissing Ryan Ross. My entire body ached for Ryan as he moved his hands slowly down my torso. He slipped his hand up underneath my shirt and I wrapped my legs around his waist.

“Ryan.” I whispered as his lips moved to my neck. I could feel him smirk as his tongue trailed down to my collar bone. I shivered as he kissed the hollow part of my neck.

I pulled on Ryan’s shirt and he sat up and slipped it off over his head. I admired his skinny frame and noticed he had been working out due to his toned arms. He scooped his head down to mine and kissed my lips gently before asking, “Are you sure?”

I nodded and smiled up at Ryan’s concerned expression. “More than anything.”

He reached for my shirt and pulled it up over my head, exposing only my bra. He stared down at me with lust in his eyes and slowly started to unbutton my pants. I lifted my hips so he could slide them off of my legs. Before I knew it we were both completely naked and our bodies were pressed together. Without breaking eye contact, he slid into me.

I couldn’t tell you how I felt in that moment. I wasn’t overwhelmed with love for Ryan and I didn’t feel happy with myself, I just felt...

worthless.