I'm Nothing Without You

I stared down at my half empty cup of coffee and then up at Denise as she spoke softly to a couple in the booth beside me. She had been consoling me periodically for the last few hours after I arrived from Ryan’s. I couldn’t bring myself to go home, I knew that once I stepped foot into the apartment I would be overwhelmed with the realization that I was alone. I sighed heavily into the booth and let my head rest on the marble table.

“Want me to refill your cup, Honey?” Denise’s sweet southern voice cooed and I glanced up at her aging face.

I nodded and lifted my cup up to her and she quickly filled it up with the steaming hot liquid. I lifted the cup to my lips and took a small sip. I cringed at the taste and quickly realized that what I was drinking wasn’t coffee, it was hot chocolate. I looked up at Denise’s smiling face and she gave me a knowing stare. “Honey that would have been your third cup of coffee in the past three hours. I’m saving you from a long night of insomnia.

I smiled softly up at her and took another small sip of the sweet liquid. “I don’t think coffee will be what keeps me up tonight.”

Denise glanced around the diner and then sat down across from me at the booth. “Tell me what happened, Camellia.”

I felt a lump form in my throat as memories of this afternoon flooded my mind. I couldn’t get it out of my head. How could I have been so stupid? I should have never let Ryan kiss me, let alone take away something that I had been holding onto so desperately, my virginity.

“I made a mistake, and I can’ take it back.” My voice didn’t sound like my own, it sounded almost childish.

Denise reached across the table and grabbed my hand. Her hands were cold against mine and I glanced down at the small diamond ring on her finger. “Darling, you can fix your mistakes. No matter how bad you think things are now…you will soon realize that it’s not as bad as it seems.”

I studied Denise’s face. She wasn’t pretty, per say, but she had this look to her that made you feel loved even when she was a complete stranger. Her dark green eyes popped against her pasty white skin which only brought out the darkness in her curly hair. She had her mess of curls pulled back away from her face in a loose bun and tiny wisps of hair framed her thin face.

“Cam, whatever you did, it’s going to be okay.” She smiled softly at me and then stood up from the booth when she heard the small ding of the cafe door. A group of elderly women walked in from the heat with identical books in each of their hands.

“The Friday evening book club is here, I’ll talk to you later okay, honey?”

I nodded at Denise and watched her greet the old lady’s with open arms. I reached into my pocket for the five dollars I had shoved in my pocket earlier today and pulled out the small note Ryan had handed me from Brendon.

I reached for my phone and dialed Brendon’s number. I lifted the phone to my ear and waited as it rang.

“I thought you’d never call.” I could tell he was smiling and I rolled my eyes.

“How would you feel about having a movie night? I need to get my mind off of everything and I really don’t want to be at the apartment alone tonight.”

Brendon was silent and the moment Ryan and I had instantly popped in my head. Did he know? After a few beats I heard Brendon chuckle and say, “Yeah that sounds like a good idea.”

Relieved I threw the five dollar bill on the table and walked out of the diner with a new feeling of hope. “Great, I’ll see you then.”

~-~-~-

I slipped on my gray Hollister hoodie and shivered slightly as the cool July breeze whipped the small wisps of baby hair around my face. I breathed in the fresh night air and walked over to my window seat. I climbed on top of the bench and stuck my head out of my window. In the distance I could see the slight shimmer of the ocean against the moonlight and I smiled softly to myself. It wouldn’t be but a few minutes and Brendon would be at my door step and for some reason that worried me.

I stepped off the bench, closed my window, and made my way into the living room where I had the movie ‘The Alphabet Killer’ lying on the coffee table. I glanced over at Spencer’s bedroom door and felt a lump forming in my throat.

I walked over to his door and pushed it open slightly. The wind from his open window hit me in the face bringing his scent with it. I stepped into his room and eyed his unmade bed. I walked over to it and ran my fingers over his dark blue comforter. I smiled, remembering the day that we bought this comforter and then felt tears well in my eyes.

“Um, Cam?” Brendon cleared his throat and I spun around to see him leaning against the door frame.
I hadn’t even heard him walk in.

“Oh, I-I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were here.” I stumbled over my words as I attempted to compose myself.

Brendon uncrossed his arms and walked over to me standing next to Spencer’s bed. “You miss him?”

“A little.” A little was an understatement and he knew it. Brendon wrapped me in his strong arms and
I took in his scent. He smelled of Old Spice and fabric softener and I oddly found comfort in it.

“It’s okay to be sad, Cam. You can’t pretend like you don’t care anymore.” He held me out arm’s length away from him and searched my eyes.

I averted my eyes from his as Ryan popped in my head and I pulled myself away from him. “I have a movie laid out for us, but you can pick whatever you want.”

Brendon looked at me with hurt eyes and followed me into the living room. He picked up the movie case and a smile crossed his face. “Feeling a bit morbid?”

I mocked a laugh and snatched it out of his hands. “The Alphabet Killer is one of the best thriller movies I have ever seen, thank you very much!”

Brendon held his hands up and sat down on the couch, Spencer’s couch. I shook the thought out of my head and popped the movie into the DVD player. I sat down next to him and pulled my knees up to my chest.

Brendon glanced over at me and sighed. “I’m glad you called me, Cam.”

It took all I had in me not to look over at him, and I continued to stare at the screen. “Why’s that?”

Brendon grabbed my hand and I sucked in a breath. “Because I have been wanting to do something since the first moment I saw you…”

I suddenly had the urge to vomit and I quickly pulled my hand out from underneath his. “Brendon…”

He pulled me so that I was facing him and he stared into my eyes with his chocolate brown ones. I bit my lip, hoping he would stop. He leaned in closer to my face and I turned my head away from his.

“Brendon, we can’t.”

He let go out of my hands and stared at me in disbelief. “I’m sorry…I thought this is what you wanted.”

I shook my head and stood up from the couch. “It is, it was.” I raked my fingers through my hair and said, “We just can’t, I can’t.” Those were the hardest words I have ever had to say. I watched his face fall as he quickly realized what was happening.

He stood up and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I’m really sorry, Camellia.”

I nodded and he pushed past me and walked towards the door. It took all that I had in me not to stop him, turn him around, and kiss him like I have been wanting to for so long. “Brendon, you don’t have to go.”

He shook his head, his hand on the doorknob. “Yeah, I think I do.”

With that he walked out the door, leaving me alone.