I Won't Give Up

"What did you two do at school today?" our mother asked at dinner that night. Jordan and I were only in the second grade so we were still excited to tell our family all about our day. "It was career day, right?" The two of us nodded our heads enthusiastically while we finished the food that was in our mouths so we didn't talk with our mouths full.

Jordan was the first to speak up. "We had a lot of people come talk to us about their jobs. A baker brought us cupcakes!" he exclaimed in excitement. I tried to control my laughter as the image from earlier that day of my brother with chocolate icing all over his face flooded my mind, but I couldn't really contain it. My parents and other brothers started to laugh along even though they didn't know what I was laughing at. "Then we played a game where we all wrote down what we wanted to be when we grow up and put them all in a hat, and then we would have to guess who's job was who's."

"That's exciting, sweetheart," our mother responded as she spooned some peas on to her plate, then passed the dish around the table so the rest of us would get our vegetables as well.

"You wrote that you want to be a hockey player, right Jord?" Eric questioned and Jordan nodded less than happily.

"So did almost every other boy in the class," he answered, sounding a little discouraged.

"Don't get your hopes down, JJ. You can kick all their butts. I believe in you, that's all that matters," I interjected.

"Here's how I see it, Jord," Marc started. He had that snarly tone in his voice, so I knew I was about to become a victim. I rolled my eyes before Marc even continued. "Hockey is a tough field to get into, but at least you a better off than Joey." Ding ding ding. Family fight time.

"Don't be rude, Marc," our mother scolded. Eric took a spoonful of peas and flung them across table and they scattered all around Marc. "Eric! We don't throw food here!"

"What did you say you wanted to be when you grow up, Joella?" our father asked from the head of the table. I beamed and opened my mouth to speak, but was cut off.

"Is that really a question, Dad?" Marc laughed. "Of course she wrote that she wants to be an actress. Everyone probably guess actress was her too. Am I right, Jord?" My twin nodded his head slowly but his eyes stayed glued to his plate of food in front of him. "Because all the other little eight-year-olds already realized that becoming an actress from Thunder Bay is simply not happening."

This time, peas were flying at Marc from both Eric and Jared's direction. I couldn't help but smile, knowing that my brothers were more bothered by Marc's words than I was. I had learned to just ignore Marc when he got hostile like that, but Eric and Jared always felt the need to defend me.

Jordan on the other hand, sat silently in his seat as things got hectic around him. Of all his brothers, Jordan was closest to Marc. But I'm his twin, so he was very conflicted when Marc and I would fight.



I didn't go to Philly.

I locked myself up in my room instead.

I had a hard time facing the world. It only took a matter of days for all of my dreams to come tumbling down. First New York and then Pittsburgh. It was like the world was telling me I wasn't going to reach my dream. "Sorry kid, this dream just ain't happening. Better find a new one." I had spent way too long trying to prove the people around me wrong and still chase my dream of performing on Broadway to give up and let them win. I couldn't do it.

But there wasn't much else I could do. Besides mope. So that's what I did.

"Joey," I heard Jordan call from the other side of my bedroom door for what had to be the millionth time. I lost track of how many days I was locked in my room. It could have been weeks at this point.

I didn't reply. I just wanted him to leave me alone; I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. I was at too low of a point to let anyone see me. It's not like they could do anything to help anyway.

"Mom and dad are here, JJ," my brother's voice rang in my ears. Mom and dad. Mom and dad. Jordan must have thought that they were the only people that could save me at this point and asked them to come down and see me. He was right, though. If anyone could save me, it would have been my mom and dad. But I was past the point of no return. "They wanted to stop by for a day or two on their way down to Eric's for Christmas."

Christmas? When the hell did it become Christmas time? Ever since we started doing Christmas at Eric and Tanya's house in Raleigh, my parents started going down there about two weeks before Christmas so things didn't get too stressful with the kids and the holiday season and Eric still leaving on road trips. So it must've only be the first week in December. But how did so much time go by without me realizing?

I vaguely remembered Thanksgiving. Even though Jordan and I are Canadian, we celebrated American Thanksgiving and invited the entire Penguins team over for dinner. And Jordan still did that this year. I don't know who cooked, it was always my job, but I do remember it smelling good for bring cooked by some hockey players.

And I remembered Sidney coming to see me, and I surprisingly let him in, because I knew in the back of my mind that he wouldn't act like a porcupine in a room full of balloons. He didn't even bring up acting or anything like that. He talked to me about his life and how he found himself a girlfriend that he really wanted me to meet. According to him, no girl would be good enough without my approval. And he brought me a piece if apple pie that apparently my brother made. It was really good too! Who knew Jordy could bake?

"Can you come out and see mom and dad please? They need to know what you want for Christmas, or you're getting socks."

You want to know what I wanted for Christmas?

I wanted my life back.

I did eventually get up to see my parents. No one brought up my acting, for fear of me going back into my cave and never coming out. My dad did make a joke that I had about an inch of my natural blonde roots showing at the top of my hair because I hadn't bothered to dye it brown since my world crumbled down.

"If she keeps this up, maybe we'll actually look like twins for the first time since we were, what, thirteen?" Jordan joked and the corner of my lips pulled into a slight smile for the first time in a long time.

*~*~*~*~*

Since it was beginning to reach Christmas time, I decided to be active despite how much I just wanted to ignore the world. As much as Jordan didn't want me to leave the house just a couple of weeks ago, he was basically shoving me out the door now. He even went through the trouble of packing a bag and piling my stuff into my car for me.

He was shipping me off to Philadelphia.

According to my brother, it was my responsibility as The Flyer's girlfriend to go and be part of all the charity events and activities the other wives and girlfriends do during the holidays. Damn responsibilities. I had never met any of these women before so it was a little nerve-wracking.

"Everything will be okay, baby sister," Jordan reassured me as I was sitting in the driver's seat, engine running, and we were saying our final goodbyes.

"I do believe I was born first." He stubbornly ignored my comment with a roll of his eyes.

"If they don't like you, just tell them that they are all dating stupid men," he responded with a smirk.

"You know, I'm dating one of those stupid men you are referring too," I laughed and he let out an exaggerated sigh.

"I like to pretend that that's not happening."

"Jackass," I mumbled under my breath before laughing along with my brother's small chuckle.

"Alright," he sighed as our laughter ceased. "If you don't get out of here now, you're gonna hit bad traffic and won't make it to Philly in time for your precious Claude's game tonight." I smiled and nodded my head in agreement. We finally got to the goodbye part of the conversation and I was off.